⚠️⚠️⚠️Authors note : PLEASE READ !
this one is going to be extremely upsetting. it will include mentions of c/a and csa . so please if you don't feel comfortable or angry that I have chosen to write this please do not leave hate comments ,
with someone who has been through csa to me this is like spreading awareness and healing some of my mind knowing I'm not alone . thank you for ur time and thank you for reading it . This one hit home for me 🤍
📍MALIBU
⏰6:08pm
⚠️ : mentions of child csa / ca , self harm , flash backs , angst , sad , nightmares , fluff
2024
***
he was once again day dreaming for the millionth time in these past couple of weeks.
i stared at him from across the couch wondering what he must be thinking about
I noticed his body went tense so I tapped his leg that was next to me as he was laid on thr couch but on the other side.
his long legs were on my side.
"ax " I said as I tapped his leg immediately grabbing his attention. he looked a little startled when he looked at me a little bit of fear was in his eyes making me very confused but when he realised it was me his green eyes softened.
"mm what " he said quickly and I moved from the couch and laid next to him. I saw his eyes on me and his body shifted a little to me
he placed his head on my chest and hugged my waist tightly
"you okay ?" I asked him and he nodded rather quickly
i didn't believe him. "yeah im fine" he flashed me a quick smile and looked down. his lifted his chin up and he looked up at me
he didn't seem like his normal self at all
he was drifting somewhere else
"are you sure ?" I asked and he nodded at me once again rather quickly
i leaned in a pecked his lips and he pecked mine back
"you know you can talk to me about-"
I was cut off by axl getting up from the couch
"I'm going in the studio to go finish off a song" He said to me and I didn't say anything.
i knew he was lying because he finished it 2 months ago.
he leaned down and kissed my lips once again and then moved to my stomach and planted a sweet kiss to my pregnant 7 month pregnant stomach
i was having a girl.
Axl headed off into his studio which was down stairs.
the door slammed and echoed through the house but soon enough my 2 year old son started to cry on the baby monitor that was sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the living room
i sighed brushing my hair back and waddled my way upstairs into our sons nursery. I opened the door and I saw him standing up in his crib with rosy chubby cheeks , his eyes were puffy due to him just waking up and little tears were rolling down his cheeks
his green eyes looked into mine. Definitely got his fathers eyes. Gunner made grabby hands to me repeatedly crying the word 'mama' .
his ginger hair looked curly and big and it was going in all different kinds of directions,sticking out one place and another.
he gets his curly hair off me but he colour of his hair off his father , Axl.
"what's with all the tears" i pouted at him ,walking over and picking up out from his crib. i rested him on my hip and his arms wrapped around my neck as he held me tightly.
"did you want mama" I asked swaying side to side trying to ease him and calm him down from his crying
he nodded his little head as I began to walk out the room.
by the time I got downstairs he stopped crying and lifted his head looking around where he was .
"papa " Gunner mumbled looking around for Axl. i brushed his hair back and kissed his cheek looking at him as I grabbed his bottle of milk that was from the fridge.
"here " I handed him it and he ignored it but held it. He was still looking around for Axl. "he's busy gunner " I say and gunner pouted.
he looked so cute. "daddy busy " gunner pointed at the hall way as he knew where the door to downstairs to axl's studio was.
"yeah daddy's making new sing songs " I said picking up his pacifier off the couch were he left it before he had his little one hour nap..
Gunner frowned at me and his bottom lip started to tremble. his eyes began to get watery and he pouted at me
"daddy will see you later honey don't worry "
I reassured him but that wasn't enough. He started to cry and started to squirm from my hands trying to get down.
i sighed putting him down and he ran off out the living room and down the hall. I knew we're he was going
"daddy " I heard him cry and yell and lots of banging
"Gunner ,no daddy's busy " I yelled after him
i walked down the hall to see him banging on the studio door and it opened revealing axl.
he didn't look too happy. he looked a little pissed off if I'm honest
Gunner jumped up and down excitedly and pointed to Axl looking at me with a big cheeky smile on his face
"look daddy" he pointed and I smiled nodding walking over to them.
i looked at axl and he rubbed his forehead. He seemed very stressed.
"how about we leave daddy for a little awhile baby he's busy " i said to gunner who was hugging axl's legs and tugging on his shirt to be held
"come on baby let's go watch a movie " i said and he shook his head no at me who was now making grabby hands to axl
Axl looked down at our son not saying anything.
"daddy up up " gunner bounced on the spot and lips started to tremble getting upset.
"listen to your mother son " Axl said pointing at me ,grabbing his hand and leading him to me.
"noo , want daddy " gunner pouted turning back to axl and and tugged on his shirt.
"come on daddy will be done soon " i sighed grabbing his hand and he pulled his arm back and folded his arms
"go with mommy ,gunner " axl said sternly but he didn't listen
"but want you " gunner argued shaking his head.
"now" axl said pointing at me and gunner once again said no and started to throw a fit
Axl sighed rubbing his face and his eyes once again. He was so stressed and he didn't know what to do
"gunner " he sighed and gunner shook his head wanting to be kicked picked up by his father , held , feel comforted , loved and care for.
"no I wa-"
" NOW " Axl snapped and pointed at me looking down at gunner . His face was full of anger and stress.
gunners bottom lip trembled and he jumped by the sound of axls tone of voice. To be honest I was expecting him to do that
i jumped a little too and the house fell silent. Gunner looked up at his father and tears poured out of his eyes.
I looked at axl and he rubbed his forehead knowing he fucked up
"come on baby " I said quietly holding my hand out for him
gunner walked to me with his hands over his eyes hiding himself from crying.
Axl looked at me and his eyes softened and I shook my head looking at him
"babe , I "
I cut him straight off
"just remember he's two Axl not fucking 20 " I shot him a look and Axl sighed
"I didn't mean to snap like that y/n " I ignored him and picked up gunner who put his face in my neck
he's crying because of the shock. That's the first Axl has ever shouted at him. He's not used to people shouting at him.
he's sensitive to that stuff
"let's go watch a movie mmm " i hummed told
Him and kissed the side of his cheek and he just cried in my neck as I rubbed his back in a comforting way
"babe " I heard axl said and when I turned the corner he slammed the studio door and I heard something crash.
4:09am
it was currently 4 in the morning and I was wide awake. I couldn't sleep at all.
Axl was beside me sleeping soundly , his forehead pressed against my arm and his long tatted arm was over my lower abdomen just under my pregnant bump.
after the incident with gunner earlier he hasn't talked to me.
he came out of studio at 11 but by then I was already asleep and so was gunner.
i heard him coming up the stairs and I quickly checked the time then I fell back to sleep in a flash
gunner fell asleep in our bed too but now he isn't so I guess Axl took him in his own bed when I was asleep
Axl started to shuffle his feet under the covers. A little groan left his lips and he moved his head .
i looked to my right and saw him moving his head in a 'no' motion. i was confused to be honest.
"n-no" it came out as a tiny whisper.
I went on my side and watched him intently. i was confused.
what was he doing or what was he dreaming about ?
i saw a salty tears escape from his eye and roll down the side of his face onto the white pillow he was laying his head on.
He began to shake his head more in that 'no' motion.
"n-n-no" he whispered again and I reached up to his hair that was on his forehead and he suddenly stopped as he touched him.
he was sweating like mad. He was drenched. He was definitely having a nightmare again. He 's been having loads lately and I don't know why.
I Brushed his little strands of hair back and kissed his forehead.
"shhhh" i shushed him and stroked his cheek trying to calm him down.
"it's okay baby" i kissed his cheek and he put his face into my neck and I heard little sniffles.
it broke my heart . It really did
i stroked the back of his soft finger hair and kissed his forehead over and over again
"it h-hurts " I heard him sniffle. I frowned and looked down . He was still fast asleep but dreaming.
"mmm?" I hummed looking down at him and I felt his hand around my waist and he hugged me tightly . Very tightly.
"daddy n-no"
i frowned
"I-it hurts-s"
my heart broke into a million pieces. now I knew what he was having a nightmare about.tears pricked my eyes
he's explained to me before that he does have nightmares about his childhood but he never talks during having one. This is the first time I've heard him say something like this in his sleep
Tears welled up in my eyes more and he pulled back shaking his head.
i sat up and he started to move around a lot. He was now panicking in his sleep. "ax wake up honey " I say shaking his arm but nothing
i needed him to wake up now. It was too much. Even for me . It was breaking me
"axl wake up " I shook him more on his arm and rubbed down his bicep
suddenly he sprung forward panting like a dog. droplets of sweat was coming down his temple and forehead.
Without saying anything I touched his hand but he gasped in shock , he pushed me on my shoulder quite hard and he quickly jumped back away from me on the bed.
He moved further to his side of the bed
I put on the lamp and it flicked on. I was now sat there holding my pregnant stomach looking at Axl.
he was hugging his legs and put head on his knees and began to rock back and forth.
it was heart breaking seeing him like this.
"Ax ,it's me" I say and started to move forward to him and he was still rocking. It sounded like he was mumbling something as I got to him.
"baby " I put my hand out and gently put it on his arm.
i felt him tense up but this time he let me do it. Let me touch him
"I-I fucking hate him " axl mumbled and I rubbed my eyes trying to process it all
i grabbed his hand and pulled it a little. Axl lifted his head up and looked at me.
his eyes were streaming with tears.
"I-I just want it all to go away y/n" he sniffled. I moved further forward to him and pulled him to me by his hand I was holding.
he fell into my arms and hugged me tightly. his head was in my neck as he started to cry
I've never seen him like this before. He was so vulnerable, weak and so closed off.
he was breaking down
"I-I was a f-fucking kid "he cried in my neck. Tears left my eyes and I rubbed his back slowly up and down
"I'm so sorry baby " I kissed his shoulder and held him very close to me
"and in the airforce museum -" he paused and cried harder.
he has told me all this before. "I know honey I know" I gulped trying to keep my tears and cries out.
"I understand I was a little shit but I was a kid" Axl sniffled again and a few tears left my eyes.
"look at me " I say pulling back and he pulled back looking down not looking at me and he was shaking his head
"please look at me baby " I wiped away my tears and he did. He looked up and i cupped his cheeks.
his green abs blue eyes were now all red , his cheeks were red and tear stained.
"even if you were a little shit he had no right to do that shit to you or Amy and Stuart " I said looking into his eyes
"you didn't deserve any of that " i sniffled and stroked his cheek with the pad of my thumb.
"no one deserves that " I whispered and lightly smiled at axl.
"you were a baby " tears fell from my face and I sobbed.
Axl grabbed my arms and wrapped them around his neck. He pulled me gently on his lap and being careful due to our daughter inside of my stomach
"I'm sorry my love " I whispered softly into his ear and I kissed his cheek.
i kissed his cheek and pulled back and he looked at me. i reached up and wiped his tears away
i leaned in and kissed his cheek. Axl lifted his arm and grabbed my chin to face him properly. His lips smashed onto mine
He pulled back and he hugged me. He put his head in his neck once again and I felt his
Hand rubbing my pregnant stomach
i smiled feeling her kick were Axl was rubbing.
i rubbed his sweaty back and kissed his head. "how about I go and put on a shower for you "
I said and he nodded .
"thank you " and he left little kisses on my neck.