"Annika Di—" she looked into the rear view mirror. Both Rudra and Om were holding their seats tightly.
"Slow down." Rudra requested in small voice. "To find Shivaay bhaiya we need to stay alive." He pleaded Annika sighed as she slowed down the speed of the car much to the brothers' relief. "I'm a good driver..." She trailed off as she stopped at the signal. Her fingers tapping against the steering wheel impatiently. "But not in right mental condition." Om said as matter-of-fact. She glared at Om through the mirror. He gulped and shut his mouth.
They reached the guest house. It was nearly out of the city. Annika wondered why Shivaay had come to such secluded place. That too alone. It was not safe. At all. She thought as she eyed the dark environment around her. There were barely any lights outside the building except for in the walkway.
The watchman greeted them.
"Is Shivaay inside?" Om asked. The watchman nodded. "Yes, Shivaay sir is inside." And they heaved relieved breath. Just let her get her hands on him—
"Open the door." Annika called as they knocked on the door furiously, unaware of the fright they just gave him.
"Shivaay?" She called. Something was off. Why wasn't he opening the door?
There was a sharp knock on the door followed by a yell of his name. He froze in his spot. His eyes darting to the door.
His heart dropped when he recognised the voice. Annika.
He wiped his tears hastily. His eyes falling on the fresh wound in his palm. Annika would get worried—Tissues....they should be here. He looked around worriedly.
The knocks got rapt and he heard Om and Rudra's voice in the background over the door. He rushed.
".......open the door..........down." he heard a muffled voice. He was startled when the fringes of the door swung open and his brothers stumbled in. Their eyes growing round on the sight of the room.
"Shivaay!"
"Bhaiya!"
"—m here." He coughed out. They rushed to his side as he pushed himself back on his feet.
Annika rushed inside the room after Om and Rudra. Her heart clenching painfully as her eyes took in the appearance of his room. It was in ruins! The room was dark. The lights switched off. What was Shivaay doing in this darkened room?
She walked around. Where is Shivaay?
"—m here." She heard his voice call out from the dark. Her frowned deepened when she noticed the weakness in his voice.
She walked around the darkened corner. Her eyes falling on the shards of vase clattered around the table. And the one covered in blood?
Blood.
Panic rushed to her.
She couldn't spot anyone else in the room. Was it Shivaay's? And she dreaded the answer of her question.
"Shivaay?" She rushed his sides. Her hands coming to cup his cheeks. Her heart dropped when she felt moisture in her hand.
"R-rudra turn on the lights." She instructed quietly as Om helped him stand up. "N-no" Shivaay immediately stopped him, coughing because of his raspy voice.
"Om, Rudra. Leave." Shivaay spoke. His voice was tired. She felt relieved that she wasn't asked to leave. Though she wouldn't have even if he had requested her.
Om frowned, "Have you looked at yourself? How can we leave you here? Like this?" Shivaay sighed.
"That is exactly why I am asking you to leave...." His voice trailed off in the end. Rudra was going to argue. But Om shook his head stopping him. He realised that Shivaay doesn't want them to see in this way. He looked at Annika, his eyes falling on the protective hold she has over him. They left, knowing that Annika is with him.
"But we are sending Khanna to pick you both up." Annika mumbled out a small yes when Shivaay didn't answer his brother's words.
Shivaay knew his words were hurting his brothers, but he will never let them see him at his lowest. They were never meant to witness this. Neither did Annika, but she won't listen to him. Besides, she knows the story. Om and Rudra doesn't.
Annika led him to the couch. Her feet careful of the things thrown around. Shivaay holding his hand behind his back. She noticed it but let it slide off for the moment. The lights were still kept off at his request. She noticed that he didn't removed his hands from his back. In the dim light she spotted the dark stain smeared on the beige trousers that Shivaay had been wearing. And her eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"Show me your hand, the one you're holding behind your back." Annika instructed. Her eyes sharp. Shivaay slowly held up his hand. Annika's heart clenched painfully when she noticed the darker region over his palm. It was blood. She felt the dried blood on the back of his hand as she held his hands.
"What have you done Shivaay!" She winced as she took his hands in her tenderly. She blew on it softly. "Do you have bandages?" She asked as she looked around. Shivaay shook his head. He took his hands back. "Don't worry about it, I have dealt with worse before. Don't you remember?" He asked with a chuckle. But his smile dropped at the sight of her glare. She looked at him unimpressed.
He sighed.
"What's troubling you Shivaay? I have been noticing this ever since I have come here." She spoke quietly. In the dim light she could only make out his features. Her hands caressing his cheek, she chuckled to herself when his beard grazed her hand. She shivered.
His gaze dropped.
"Shivaay?" She urged. "I know you are troubled after seeing her again after all these years...but you need to open up. You don't have to bottle it inside, not when I am here to listen. I'm here for you." His gaze met her and dropped his gaze at their joined hands. His injured palm held carefully between hers.
He didn't know what to do. Should he tell her? He leaned into her touch. His eyes closing in momentarily, and Annika realised how tired he must have been.
"I have never told you about my years abroad. Have I?" His voice was a soft whisper. The words were spoken so low that she had to strain her ears to hear it. He was looking up at the ceiling as he leaned on the back of couch. His gaze was empty.
"Shivaay—" She frowned.
"I spent five years in therapy." What? Annika's eyes widened as Shivaay chuckled. "Nobody knows that." He said his eyes not moving from the spot. She didn't know what to make of the information. Her hands squeezed his in a comforting gesture. But Shivaay looked lost. Like he was reminiscing what happened in the years of her absence.
"What happened when you left Manali, Shivaay?" She asked directly. He didn't look at her when he answered.
"We have shifted to Mumbai. After I got the results of the final exams—I left——I had no idea what I wanted to do. I felt like I had no purpose." Shivaay chuckled.
"I mean, I had devoted my whole childhood to Om and Rudra. To raise them up." Annika knew that, but she couldn't help but frown. His dadi— and as if sensing the change if expression he continued.
"Dadi, well she was never around. It had always been us three." He spoke and he gave out a bitter chuckle. "I mean she had been grieving yes— but can you believe that a child had to take up the responsibilities when an adult was around to do so? I wished she paid more attention to what was happening. I lost my parents too that night. Never I had her comforting me." Shivaay spoke for the first time. Annika's eyes widened and she realised that he was voicing out all the frustration he had nurtured deep inside. The emotions that he has bucketed in.
"I don't hate her. I am not angry, though I really wished she took over when the time was right." He spoke. "I wouldn't have lost myself in the process." His eyelids drooped. And she felt her heartbreak.
"You know, those therapies made me realise how broken I was from inside." He chuckled. "The first couple of years it was just me trying to open up. But I never could, all I could do was relive the moment again and again. Those two years the therapies did more harm than good." He stopped for a second to take a deep breath.
"And by the end of the second year........I was diagnosed with depression." And she felt numb. He went through all this alone? Without anyone by his side?
"And it got worse." She feared what he was going to tell her next.
"The third year has been hardest for me." A year escaped his eyes. She wiped it with her own hand. Her fingers massaging the skin there soothingly.
"They used to say that the incident had triggered all my emotions that I have kept inside—still keeping, to crash all at once. That was the reason I was unable to cope up." She realised what he was talking about. She never expected that the incident will trigger him so much.
"Three months passed of the third year, and in between I stopped going to therapies. They weren't working. Atleast not for me." He spoke. "But apparently that was a bad decision."
"Because the next step—" he paused and swallowed. He sat up and averted his gaze away from her. Her hands drew circles on the back of his hand. "—drove me to have an attempt on my life." He spoke the words quietly.
"What?" Annika couldn't stop herself from exclaiming. Her heart throbbing painfully as her eyes widened and vision turned blurry for a moment. Did she heard that clearly? Shivaay tried to take his life? It didn't make sense. He flinched at her loud tone. But he didn't look up.
"I thought—that they would help." And her disbelief turned into horror. "You thought—" her voice was gone in the mid of sentence. Her grip tightening on his hand. Tears shined in his eyes.
Shivaay's eyes were burning painfully. Burning with tears. He thought he had cried himself dry. But apparently that wasn't the fact. They were irritated. He knew the reason. Probably because of the hours he spent here. He thought he will never open up to anyone. But Annika, he turned to look at her. He knew she was going through an inner turmoil. He knew her well.
"You couldn't have done anything, Annika. Itbwas bound to happen sooner or later." He spoke. Annika felt her tears escaping, Shivaay wiped them with a smile, "how can you say that?" Her voice seemed tearful. What are you doing Annika? You should be the one comforting him.
"I have to acknowledge the dark that may inside me." He spoke. His fingers interwining with her own.
"I immediately realised what I have done was wrong. Very wrong. I had bandaged my arm immediately. But it took left an everlasting mark." Annika watched as he traced fingers over his wrist, dread settling in. Did he? She felt sick to her stomach. "The second time I did it, I was disgusted with myself."
Shivaay felt a sudden weight on his body and his eyes widened. Annika was hugging him. Her body was thrown over his. Her hands wrapped tightly around him. He felt her body trembling in his hold. She was crying. For him. Unknown tears welled up in his own eyes. He was returned to feeling numb once again! Why was he crying now? He didn't know. But the tears escaped his eyes one by one.
"I'm sorry Shivaay—" Annika sobbed in the crook of his neck. Her voice filled with regret. "I was never there" a whimper escaped her. "Never there when you needed me." And he felt her tears wetting his shirt.
"Hey, what are you talking about?" Shivaay asked frowning deeply. "Do you know how I overcome those moments?" He asked. Annika's tearful gaze regarded him in confusion. "It was your hope. Your promise. They gave m-me strength Ani." His gaze turned soft.
"You know, sometimes when I couldn't speak in those therapies. I ended up imagining that it was you that I was talking to." He smiled. Annika's tears didn't stop at those. Instead they may triggered some more.
"You had promised me that we will be friend's forever. That you will be my side forever?" Shivaay asked, there was a childlike twinkle in those. Annika's smile was teary.
"You were there! With me the whole time!" She frowned, confusion overtaking her features. He chuckled. "Not physically, yes. But in a different way." He raised his arm. The watch she had given him. The bracelet. "You were always there with me Anni. Never feel that you weren't." He spoke, his words clear and sincere.
"You are the best thing happened to me." He said with a chuckle. Annika couldn't stop hers.
"Everything happens for a reason." He spoke suddenly. "it all did too. Maybe that step was required so that I met the darkest parts of myself. Those broken pieces. The ugly ones—" Annika's hand on his mouth stopped her from saying anything else. Those her eyes were teary they had narrowed down into her infamous glare.
"They aren't ugly, Shivaay." She spoke softly, sniffing slightly. "They are a part of you." She paused her eyes searching something in his. "And trust me, anything that is a part of you can never be ugly to me." Shivaay's hand stilled.
"You are beautiful inside iut, Shivaay. You need to embrace yourself. Even those parts." She laid her head on his chest. "Broken or not, they are precious to me." And Shivaay couldn't control himself anymore. What had he been expecting? Annika held him. She held him throughout all the tears he had shed from that moment on. Her grip never wavering over him. Her heart was breaking each passing moment, with every cry that escapes past his lips. She stroked his hair.
How much have you kept inside, Shivaay? All this while! All this while I thought you were healing. Everything was fine! It isn't fair that you keep your sorrows to yourself and sacrifice your happiness for us. They are far more precious.
"What was my fault, Annika? Wasn't I deserving of a happy childhood? Why was I robbed out of one!?" He asked her. She closed her eyes ashamed. She didn't knew the answer. Life had been so unfair to him. He lost every person he whi had become his solace. At a point he lost her to. But she was back. His tears didn't subside.
"Do you think if my mother? Or even my father? Did they ever love me?" He asked. The broken voice scared her out of her wits. And she didn't realise when he fell asleep crying in her arms. She didn't release her grip.
"You know all my life—" he closed his eyes. "I wondered that if I am deserving of something good in life. But then the life gave me the most beautiful answer ever." Annika wiped out those tears and looked at him curiously.
"You."
Her heart fluttered. There was a soft smile on his face. Her cheeks were burning she didn't know whether they were because of her roughly wiping her tears or his words.
"You came into my life, Annika. You picked up the pieces that you never broke. You are doing it even now. I keep taking and taking from you. I know it's selfish—" she tried to stop him.
"—no, let me speak. Please." She stopped. "But, you're the only one that I could call my own." His voice was barest of whispers. It made her wonder was she ever meant to hear it at all? But she is glad that she did.
Khanna had come to pick them up. Om and Rudra were sitting in the living room when they reached the Mansion. She and they helped Shivaay back to bed. Om was looking at his brother worriedly.
Annika's eyes fell on Shivaay's sleeping form. His eyes were shut tightly together. She saw his eyebrows furrowed, she gently smoothed them out. And his features relaxed. A sigh escaping her.
Annika exited from his room. The expression on her face was grim. She passed a reassuring look to Om.
Rudra eyed the door longingly before he finally gave in, and went inside. He quietly tucked in the bed beside his bhaiya careful not to disturb his sleep. His eyes not taking of the bandage that was wrapped around his hand.
'You Rudy is here with you bhaiya.' Rudra quickly wiped the tears and laid back down. His hands going to Shivaay's, a soft clutch on the sleeves of his white kurta. Om watched everything with a small smile. He sat at the edge of the bed, beside Shivaay's feet. You have done so much for us Shivaay, now let us do something for you.
Annika went to poolside. Where she and Shivaay had spent so much time together, even in the shorter span she had been there. Sometimes talking about the most random things, or sometimes just it was her listening to his stories, or sometimes it was him listening to her attentively, the concentration he showed her when he listened to her words made her briefly wonder if she had ever shown such in her class. Or sometimes they would just stayed quiet, with their legs dipped into waters enjoying the cool it provided.
She was sitting on here now, alone. Shivaay's words ringing in her head.
"Nobody was there for me. Anni, I didn't deserve all this, right? I had always tried to be the son that badi maa and bade papa could be proud of. The brother, on whom Om and Rudra can always turn to. Their leaning pillar. Tried my best to be the ideal grandson that dadi expected of me."
And his next words, they managed to bring a smile on her lips.
"I have never thought about all such when I with you. I felt, I-i can be me. Just Shivaay. Not the son, not the elder brother, nor the grandson. You always looked at me just the way I was."
But what broke her heart even more was that it was true.
She felt tears prick her eyes. He had never lived his life for himself. His life was a tragedy. With only small rays of sunshine which got shadowed by the dark clouds too soon for him to get used to the feeling of warmth.
She held back the sob. She remembered Shivaay's hold on her. It was tight. Desperate. It held fear. Fear that she will go away? It was trembling. His hands were shaking. His voice was resembling soft pleas.
How his eyes were shining with the tears.
"You will be with me, forever right?"
She never hesitated to answer him a yes. But why did her heart fluttered at the request? Why did his words manage to make her smile when she had been crying? She tilted her head in confusion her eyes staring at the fluttering lights casted on as the reflection on the ceiling by the waters.
Why did she hung on for him all these twelve years? There must be some sense to these questions. Or as to why,
Why did he make her heart race?