I continued on reading while Suze was on her way back to her place to grab her stuff.
Too focused on the book, I had reassured myself that it was all going to be okay.
Too worried about how much she's changed in a short amount of time, but am I just scared of change or am I scared of myself accepting the new fondness in it?
Putting my feet on the coffee table, the day was gonna come to an end as the sunset had started.
The orange-yellow shine came through from my window as it visibly showed its presence on the tips of my toes, illuminating my kitchen and parts of my front door and living room.
Y/N - huh. Pretty.
Talking to myself in just words made me feel like I wasn't alone but it was all just me. I might be a little manic but it made me feel safe.
Safe.
Growing up the way I was, I always felt safe but yet not.
Maybe because I felt alienated, being the person I was, the family I resided in, not everywhere took a liking to how I was, especially in the country I lived in most of my life till now.
I won't stray away from my original intent, I won't.
I'm still me at the end of the day, I won't lose my self identity but I need to be better than this.
I need to learn that things need to happen, that they help me grow.
Suze.
Maybe I was all over my head over her. But I know how I feel.
These emotions.
The tightness in my chest when I see her, I understand it.
Although I feel the same towards the girls. Nat, Jules, Belle but not Haneul.
It's different.
It's different with you Suze.
God damn it.
Maybe I'm just contradicting myself.
I'm over my head again.
I got suddenly ripped out of my head as my phone rang on the coffee table.
It vibrates violently, causing me to throw my book to the side and sat up suddenly to grab it off the table and answered it
Y/N - Yeoboseyo?
Belle - Y/N?
Y/N - hey Belle, what brings you to me?
Belle - I'm gonna be home in a bit and uh- mind if I come over?
Y/N - sure of course, I don't mind some company. Though Suze had just came back from Spain and she's out right now
Belle - ah that's fine, I just wanted to go see you anyways
Y/N - oh cool, don't mind me asking but why are you coming to see me right now? Aren't you girls busy?
Belle - oh we are, I'm just finished for the day, I'm heading home first but they'll be home in a few hours
Y.N - okay okay, see you then?
Belle - see you then.
I hung up the phone and put it back on the coffee table.
Sighing to myself, I looked at my book and grabbed it
Y/N - next time bud
I got up, holding my knees and then walked over to my bookshelf and put it away, I sat my sights on the kitchen
Y/N - aw shit, did Suze make enough?
I had to go check since Belle would be hungry when she gets here, so walking over, I checked everything and saw everything was empty since like I thought, we ended up eating everything
YN - well, I should get started then
Rolling up the sleeves of my cardigan, I grabbed the various pots and pans and put them in the sink where I began to clean them.
After a short while of organising the wet dishes and pots, I got started by grabbing some free ones from my cabinets and thought of what to make.
Y/N - hmmmm.
Thinking for a bit, I ended up deciding on what to make for Belle since I knew at this point what she liked.
My mind barely thought of anything while I cooked, all I could think about was
"Did I measure that right?"
"Please don't burn"
Nothing else could occupy my mind right now, I was waiting for two girls but at the same time, I wasn't worried at all.
After the short while I took to cook something up for Belle, I heard my door knock indicating that she got here on time
Wiping my hands clean and turning off the heat after letting it simmer, I patted myself down from anything that could've been on my clothes and walked up to the front door.
I took a breath and opened it
Belle - hey!
Y/N - hey how you doing
She hugs me while I hugged her back, I pat her on the back and she lets go of me
We walked towards the couch where she took off her jacket and threw it on the couch, letting it fly beside me where I sat.
She sat down beside me, putting my elbows on my knees, leaning over to look at her while I was at it
Y/N - you want coffee?
Belle - yeah please, and honestly. Some food would be nice
Y/N - you're lucky, I just finished up making some for you
Belle - oh really? Thank you
Y/N - no probs lemme get at it
She smiled as I got up and headed over to the kitchen where I grabbed some bowls and some chopsticks for her while I put in the food, and at it. I made a cup of some iced coffee for her and brought it over to her and sat it on the coffee table.
She thanks me once more before digging in, I quietly sat on my seat and crossed my arms
Belle - you not gonna eat?
She tells me with some food in her mouth, I wave her off
Y/N - it's okay, I ate beforehand.
She nodded while I quietly stared at my kitchen, zoning out.
After what felt like only a minute or two.
I got snapped back into reality with a snap from her finger, causing me to turn towards her
Belle - hey?
Y/N - hm? Yeah?
I look up at her and then at the coffee table which already had been cleared out of the bowls and also her cup of coffee
Belle - you alright there? You wouldn't respond to me the entire time
Y/N - oh sorry, must've zoned out.
I rub my face with my hands, taking a sigh before looking back at her
Belle - for like 20 minutes?
I shrug, not sure on how to answer that
Y/N - yeah?
She sat back down beside me, the both of us facing each other
Belle - you okay? You've haven't been yourself lately
Y/N - what do you mean?
Belle - I don't know... I mean, you haven't been as talkative as you once were. And everytime I come over, you're always so quiet, so responsive towards your actions. I just want to know how you are.
Y/N - I'm okay Belle, really.
Belle - you sure?
Y/N - of course, but anyways, how was the album thing going?
She straightens up, grabbing a pillow and putting it on her lap where her elbows sat as she leaned in to talk to me.
Belle - going great, it's a new single by the way, but we are working on releasing one later this year
Y/N - oh cool, whatcha guys doing for it?
Belle - nothing much yet, we got the next concept planned out but after we go through promotion of the new single, we'll work towards the album more
Y/N - how does that process usually go?
Belle - depends every time, we would go into a meeting with PD-nim and the staff, talk about it and stuff. Then we would go record, do all of that stuff and then record some music video's when the songs are finished and- it's just a long process
Y/N - interesting. I was wanted to do know how it went
She laughs, her eyes sparkling towards me
Belle - well at least you know some secrets haha
Y/N - then I'm glad I know. Do you want to do anything?
Belle - well, I just want to chill and crash out here, mind if I sleep on your lap?
Y/N - sure? I only do this with Nat and Haneul
Belle - I know, they told me
Y/N - oh really?
Belle - Y/N, we know stuff too, we're not idiots
Y/N - right. Sorry.
Belle - shut up
She laughed again while I readjusted my position while she prepared herself to put her head on my lap.
She slowly sat herself down where I then, just look up to the ceiling
Belle - what are you doing?
I look back down at her where she softly lets out a chuckle, scratching the back of my head
Y/N - sorry. I just be thinking
Belle - about?
Y/N - nothing at all really. You know I just zone out once in a while and my mind- just
I waved my hands up in the air while she smiled, she admired the way I was which was part of the reason I admired her too, she liked those parts of me that were awkward in a way. But, she didn't seem to mind at all.
Belle - I get it, hehe.
Y/N - right.
I scratched the back of my head, a habit that usually still remains.
Belle - so. What are you gonna do while I maybe, I don't know? Nod off?
Y//N - not sure. Suzy might be home any minute so I could wait for her, but other than that, I don't really know.
Belle - well. Maybe I might just scratch off the nodding off part, I could get more of a chance to talk to you.
Y/N - I thought we talked enough?
Belle - but not recently.
Y/N - oh right.
Belle - tell me Y/N, what's been going on in that empty mind of yours?
Y/N - hm.
I took a few seconds to think to myself, really pondering on what occupied my mind.
Y/N - eh.
I had came up with the answer, but I didn't want to tell her about the frequent thoughts of Suze that were in my head a lot
Belle - what do you mean 'eh'? Come on, you got to have something in there
Y/N - I don't have a lot Belle, really. All I think about is dealing with my students papers, or what to eat when I get home or if Suzy is home or if you girls are home
Belle - hm, you know.
Y/N - hm?
Belle - I forget that Suzy-sunbaenim sort of unannounced that she moved in here a while back, what do you guys even do?
Y/N - we don't do anything, she just basks in whatever I do and she does her own thing
Belle - which is?
Y/N - cook, clean up the place while I'm gone or I do the same when she's gone. We just share the same duties. She usually does the same thing like what we're doing right now when we have time, we talk about anything, maybe about work or some project she has coming up. Then when it's night, we would go out or sleep in together
Belle - sleep in together?
I kept quiet after that, I just continued to caress her hair while I look in front of me, just staring blankly but I could tell that she was trying to grab my attention
Belle - Y/N?
Y/N - yeah?
I looked down back to her, her face expressing curiosity
Belle - what do you mean sleep in together? Don't try to run from me
Y/N - I mean.
I took a sigh, having to let the cat out of the bag
Y/N - we sleep together in the same bed, I mean Jules knows about it but I thought the rest of you would since you guys live with each other
Belle - so.... Do you guys like hold each other?
Y/N - I guess so? I don't but she does, but I only like. Put- like- uh- my hand on her back when she lies on me, she just likes to do that.
Belle - i- is she your girlfriend?
Y/N - no. not at all.
Belle - so. Why do you guys do, that type of stuff?
Y/N - look Belle, let me get this straight with the both of us. We talked about it, about that night. About everything, and it's still the same with Suzy. she's just her and her little antics towards me
Belle - I get it, but ain't that a bit too close?
Y/N - y- yeah
Belle - does she kiss you? Do you guys fuck?
I could tell it was getting a bit tense, her eyes furrowed in an obvious jealous manner, but also angry from the fact that I made everyone feel excluded from the relationship that me and Suze had.
I know I'm an asshole, I'm aware of what I've done.
I don't want to be the fucking villain of it all, but yet I felt.
Guilty.
Y/N - no- w- we don't
She sat up from my lap, turning to face me
Belle - be real with me Y/N, because I will fucking leave right now if you don't tell me!
She hasn't shouted at me like that before, and now. I truly felt the guilt set in as it was. She stood up, putting her finger to my chest in a fit of anger
Y/N - yes! Yes! We fucking kissed! She does it to me all the fucking time! We don't fuck, at all! But if I could, I would've! But we don't! We don't at all!
I stood up too, the both of us looking into each other's eyes.
It was something like no other.
The anger, the jealousy, the guilt, everything all of it just thrown into a pot
Belle - so how is it any fucking different with me! Or any of us! You're just fucking using me!
She slaps me across the face, but I remained straight faced, standing where I was
Y/N - I'm not! I'm fucking not! Do you think I wanted this!? Do you think I know what to fucking do most of the fucking time?! I wouldn't use any of you fucking girls for my own fucking gain or- or- or my own pleasure?!? Do you think I get off of that shit?!?!
Belle - then tell me why the fuck you let Suzy- out of everyone else? Any fucking else?!? To treat you the way that she treats you?! I wanted the same with you! The exact FUCKING same!
Y/N - because I don't understand all of it! I really fucking don't know! I'm just some fucking guy to you guys, why do I matter in between all of you at all?!?!
Belle - because I want you Y/N! Is that so hard to ask at all?!?
Y/N - no it's not! It's really not! But I told you I just can't fucking work a relationship, a romantic fucking relationship in the middle of what I came here for!
Belle - But you can fuck around with Suzy? You can fuck with my own heart? Just because you feel like you're more so fucking important for your own beliefs?
Y/N - I- I'm trying to understand everything, literally everything since I came here, I'm trying to make ends meet here Belle, putting myself in anything that could just, get in between of it will get me distracted an-
Belle - and? AND? AND WHAT?!
Y/N - I'M FUCKING SCARED BELLE CAN YOU FUCKING NOT TELL!?
At this point, it was just a screaming match between the both of us. I could tell that the both of us didn't want to leave, but rather get our point out there to the both of us.
Belle - SCARED OF FUCKING WHAT?
Y/N - LOSING WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE RIGHT NOW, I HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR ME IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY THAT'S STILL UNKNOWN TO ME! I HAVE A JOB I LOVE! I HAVE A HOME! I'M SCARED OF BEING THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT YOU ACCUSE ME WHEN I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO BE MYSELF AND I'M- I'M CAUGHT IN BETWEEN IN YOUR OWN DESIRES WHILE I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY OWN!
Belle - YOU FIGURED IT OUT AGES AGO WHEN THE MOMENT YOU LET SUZY IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE, TO LET HER DO EVERYTHING TO YOU, EVERYTHING THAT I WANT!
Y/N - THEN FUCKING DO IT! DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO TO ME!
Belle - YOU-
She looks me straight in the eyes, our veins popping out of each other's skin in heat, after the intense standoff with each other.
Her eyes teared up, with both of them falling on her face while we both hyperventilate, trying to get our breath back
But she suddenly eased up, her hand going to her face to wipe off her tears
Belle - I'm- I'm sorry.
I eased up too, my shoulders dropping after the realisation of what we did and said creeping in as it hit
Y/N - I'm- I'm sor- sorry too.
Now it felt really awkward, I grabbed a tissue from the tissue box on my coffee table and gave it to her, she wiped her eyes clean, her mascara staining her face.
Y/N - look.
I cleared my throat, sighing as she cleared herself up
Y/N - I still meant all of it that night, I'm still not ready. I didn't know I was gonna get roped in what Suzy wanted okay? She has her reasons too. I can tell you when she feels comfortable about telling you about it one day, but I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry if I feel like I've been leading you on so I can be with Suzy, but that's not it. Not at all.
Belle - are you su- sure?
Y/N - I'm sure. And I don't want to lie to you. Neither of you, all of you. It's the last thing I would do because I hate making you girls cry, I hate making myself cry too because of the shit I do or say. That night, when we got drunk. I didn't hate it, I didn't push you off because I didn't have the strength, but because I liked it too you know. But it just didn't feel right for me because I just didn't expect it at all okay?
She nods, she holds her arm while she looked at the ground, glancing at me every few words
Y/N - you're a great person Belle, you really are. We're both conflicted right now in how we feel but I'm not going to say no to your desires in what you want, but you understand that I can't pursue one right now. Me and Suzy, we still both agreed on it too. Just today, she told me she couldn't get me out of her mind and I couldn't either, I admit it. Maybe Suzy has been on my mind but you girls have been as well. Not in the way you think but because right now, I don't feel alone. I don't feel unwanted or alienated because of what or whoever I am, I feel wanted, I feel like I belong here and I love being with you guys.
Belle - you mean that?
Y/N - of course I do. I enjoy the days any one of you girls come over or when you guys invite me over for dinner, I still enjoy making your lunches eventhough I kinda forgot the last few days
She softly laughs before finally looking up at me
Y/N - Suzy has been a great pillar for me and you guys have to. Jisung as well, I just want to live my life right now and I need to prepare myself for the future you know, I couldn't know if you girls would suddenly blow up and then move away all of a sudden you know, or if Suzy one day decides to leave me or if I lose my job. I'm scared of all of that too. Just, understand Belle. I'm not you guys, I'm not an idol, I don't make much money, I'm not. Special.
Belle - but you're special to me. To us.
Y/N - but I don't feel that at all.
Belle - that's what I've been trying to do for you. You're just some, average guy. You're not another hot idol, or some fucking. Playboy. You're just you. That's what I like about you Y/N. It's why I even tried to kiss you, or even tried to get with you.
Y/N - you still can. But you know about what I want to at least try.
She nods her head while I scratched the back of my head
Belle - can- can we just be the same way? Can we?
Y/N - we can, it's not like this is gonna make me hate you. Why? Do you hate me all of a sudden?
Belle - no. just really cleared up my emotionally charged thoughts, I really needed it
We both softly laughed, our gazes fixated on each other
Y/N - I'm glad. I'm sorry for screaming at you
Belle - me too.
Y/N - well, we can be the same way as we always were, maybe with the benefits that you wanted
Belle - r- really?
Y/N - well, If I can do it with Suzy, it won't be long till you girls start asking and we have a repeat of what we just did so I mean, I shouldn't restrict it any longer and hey, gives me a longer life to not argue at all.
Belle - are you really sure?
Y/N - it's better for me, I'm a guy after all. Though I am a bit lacking in certain parts
Belle - like your dick?
Y/N - huh? What? No? Does that matter?
Belle - no, not at all.
Y/N - oh.
Belle - then, can I hold you then?
Y/N - yeah.
Belle - kiss?
Y/N - yeah.
Belle - can we like- have sex?
Y/N - maybe pass that part till I feel comfortable about it.
Belle - okay. I mean, it's not that important but sure.
Y/N - oh. Cool.
Belle - how long till Suzy comes back?
Y/N - not sure. She's taking her time.
Belle - so can we get on the couch, and can we continue what we were doing that night?
Y/N - absolutely.
She giggles to herself while I go on the couch, she positions herself to climb onto me.
She gets on top of me, her butt on my thighs while my hand makes its way to her cheek while our faces were close to each other.
Belle - I'm sorry about this.
Y/N - why?
Belle - I've been thinking about it alot.
Y/N - I can understand.
Belle - are we really gonna try this?
Y/N - we can. And maybe one day, it could be so much more.
Belle - do you feel bad for saying that?
Y/N - I always do. I always felt a little scared after breaking up with my ex, to pursue another relationship. But maybe that's just me
Belle - no, I get you too. whenever you feel comfortable, or when it's right for you. Promise to tell me?
Y/N - I will.
Belle - and if Suzy claims you first, maybe we can experiment if she agrees?
Y/N - I think she wouldn't mind, what if your members as well?
Belle - eh, they wouldn't mind.
Y/N - you sure? I feel like Jules or Nat would get jealous easily
Belle - I was literally just screaming to you about how Suzy practically took you for the past few months
Y/N - right
Belle - I guess it wouldn't hurt to share
Y/N - but with me?
Belle - for you. Yeah. I guess we all pretty much like you
Y/N - Haneul too?
Belle - eh, maybe. Though I hear her giggles from her room when she holds that plushie you gave her
Y/N - huh. I wouldn't expect it
Belle - she's quite odd a bit but that's just her
Y/N - heh, yeah.
I leaned in to kiss her after a few seconds, the atmosphere more lighter than earlier as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
We remained that way for a while, her attack on my lips, slowly going into our mouths as it guided itself in there.
It felt, hot to say the least.
Belle - fu- fuck
She took a breather to take off her top, putting her in her bra
Belle - do yo- you mind at all?
Y/N - nope, Suzy sleeps with me in her underwear
Belle - wow that makes me for adamant to sleep with you
Y/N - when we find the right time
Belle - mhm
We continued on, not caring about how long the time had passed.
After a while, I heard something come through the front door but I had took it as some wind or whatever until I felt someone sit beside us, causing us to both yelp in panic as we looked to our side
Suzy - heya
She had a big grin on her face where Belle fell off of me, putting her top back on in a hurry
Belle - Suzy-Sunbaenim!
Suzy - I think we're a bit past the sunbaenim part now Belle
I looked at her a bit scared, but she assured me with a kiss of her own, grabbing me by the back of my head and giving me a long, sensual kiss before letting go as I turned my head towards Belle who was both beyond terrified and intrigued
Belle - w- wh- what the-
Suzy - sorry. Had me a bit in heat there watching you guys
Y/N - you w- were watching?
Suzy - oh right, you didn't hear me come in. looks like you guys reached first base, and without me too.
Belle - s- sunbaenim-
Suzy - yah, call me unnie now since you took my man
Y/N - I- I'm yo- your what?
Suzy - babe, I didn't know you would end up with her like this as soon as I got back.
Belle - Sunba- I mean- unnie. I'm sorry
Suzy - for what? Me and him just talked about this earlier, about time jeez. Especially after helping his ass with you that night
Belle looks to me as I just shrugged
Belle - y- you told her?
Y/N - I nee- needed help okay?
Belle - r- right.
Suzy - what's with the two of you?
Y/N - I th- thought you would kill me
Suzy - you? Babe I would kill you if you died, which. Actually doesn't make sense but hey, I'm not mad. Why would I be? Haha
Me and Belle looked at each other as she took a seat beside me
Suzy - anyways hey, I got the car around and uh, I guess we're gonna catch that drink later then?
Y/N - oh, I forgot
Belle - uh- I might j- just leave
She gets up, grabbing her things while I stood up, grabbing her hand
Y/N - you don't have to
Belle - t- the girls are gonna come home soon, it just came to my head that I have to make some dinner for them,
Y/N - Belle, are you?
Belle - no, not at all. Just, we can do this again right?
Y/N - yes we can
Belle - I just remembered to do some of my stuff okay? Thank you for accepting me, sorry if I sound off
Y/N - it's okay
I let go of her forearm, letting her grab her things while I glanced at Suzy who was quietly watching us with a smile on her face
Belle - we're the same right?
Y/N - we are.
She kisses me, with a big smile on her face
Belle - then, I'll see you tomorrow okay? I'll come by again maybe by? The afternoon?
Suzy - don't forget to bring condoms!
She blushes a bit, before giving me a quick peck on the lips before holding me by the cheek, pinching it a little
Belle - don't mind her, I can see you like her too.
Y/N - I like all of you.
Belle - hehe, then this is the start of something new.
Y/N - it really is.
I walked her over to the front door, letting her put her shoes on and saw her off.
Going back to Suze, I sat down beside her with a big sigh
Suzy - why the long face?
Y/N - so much shit happened while you were gone
Suzy - I mean, aside from the obvious fucked up voice you have, looks like you guys did some talking to with each other
Y/N - mmhm. I'm tired, Suze.
Suzy - tell mommy what's wrong
Y/N - I'm not argue with you about that again
Suzy - you love it, don't deny it
Y/N - okay maybe a little.
Suzy - that's my man
She grabs me by the cheek, letting her kiss me.
Suzy - well, I guess you have two girls to deal with now
Y/N - and maybe 3 more
Suzy - well, I'm not against sharing, remember?
Y/N - I know.
Suzy - L/N Y/N, I would've never known that I would fall in love with you. I couldn't be much more grateful for a man like you in my life
Y/N - wow, I'm honoured
Suzy - you little prick, god your mean comments gets me on
Y/N - I was joking, ew. I love you too.
Suzy - ah shut up. I'm tired too, let's rest together in the bed for a bit before heading out?
Y/N - mmhm, I don't mind.
We both got up while I groggily walked over to my room with Suzy jumping on my back, grabbing her.
I carried her into the room, laying her down softly onto the bed as she quickly gets into the blanket while I slowly got in there
Suzy - something on your mind?
Y/N - a little
Suzy - which is?
Y/N - you're a bit different
Suzy - ah. Me? Being all so happy and not like my usual alluring self?
Y/N - we- well. Yeah?
Suzy - it's because I've grown comfortable with you dumbass, I'll still flirt with you the same way, maybe be a little bit chic, but I'm still me babe.
Y/N - hm.
Suzy - don't you worry about a damn thing okay? We still got each other at the end of the day
Y/N - yeah.
Suzy - now let's get some rest in and if we sleep in till 1am, we're going on a night ride
Y/N - sounds great to me
She kisses me as she positions herself on top of me, her head lying on my chest.
Suzy - see you in a bit handsome
Y/N - see you Suze
She closes her eyes, seeing her smile on her face from where I laid, making me smile too as I stared up at the ceiling
"Hm"
Before eventually closing my own eyes, still in awe of what just conspired all in one day.