𝙾𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙾𝚆𝙽 𝙻𝙾𝚆

𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙿𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚁𝚃𝚈 𝙾𝙽𝙴

"ms. willams experienced what's known as an ectopic pregnancy." the doctor explained.

"a what?" malik asked.

"it means that the fertilized egg implanted outside of the uterus, usually in one of the fallopian tubes as we have here. its usually detected within the first trimester. so unfortunately, this was not a viable pregnancy, and it could've be life-threatening for ms. willams if it were left untreated."

"you mentioned she uh...underwent surgery...last night?" i asked.

"yes, the surgery was necessary to remove the ectopic pregnancy and prevent further complications. the embryo was growing in the fallopian tube, which cannot support a pregnancy and could have ruptured, causing severe internal bleeding. it was a great thing she came in before that happened."

"she goin' to be okay?"

"yes, she's stable now. we were able to remove the ectopic pregnancy and address any internal damage. with proper care, ms. willams should recover well physically, but emotionally, she may need support during this difficult time. we'll do everything we can to support her recovery. if you have any more questions or concerns, don't hesitate to ask."

"thank you" i whispered, feeling a lil...i don't even know.

"you're welcome, you're free to go in whenever you're ready" he nodded then motioned for the door before walking away, his intern scurrying away after him.

i looked at malik who just stared at me straight-faced, no fucks given. i know he couldn't care less about kyah or the baby, but a lil bit of sympathy during this time would be great. just a thought.

"i'm gonna...go in" i said before pointing to the door which he mostly stood in front of.

it wasn't really me telling him not to, but more so that i knew he didn't care to be here so he didn't have to if he didn't want to.

he nodded then stepped aside, making way for me.

i took a deep breath then adjusted my grip on the bouquet of flowers i held along with the teddy bear before approaching the door.

after three gentle knocks just to announce my presence, i gripped the door handle and walked in. surpsingly–but not really since he was holding the balloons–i felt malik's presence right behind me, but enough distance away so that it wasn't sus.

again, to my surprise–only because i really wasn't expecting them, the room was filled with her family members. not family members as in her rich aunts, drunk pervy uncles, lame cousins, and snob-nosed neices and nephews. just her mom, god-mother, grandmother and of course devon. then right by her side, crystal.

as if it wasn't already bad enough that i was the one who technnically landed her in this position, i was also the last person to be in the room when i arguably should've been one of the first. at least that'd be the case had we chosen to actually have the kid.

then to add the cherry on top, 'cus why not, everyone but crystal turned their attention to us as we walked in. we stopped barely a foot in as everyones eyes communicated to us wondering why we were here. everyone but her mother i should say.

of course it would be my awkward self to be put in this situation. malik can't even save me on this one 'cus he shouldn't even be here for real.

despite all their eyes on us though, mine were focused on kyah. she wore a saddened look on her face. not a typical frowning type of sad face you'd expect to see. instead, her eyes held a distant sorrow, as if grappling with a weight too heavy to express in mere tears. she looked not to be in any physical pain, but more so as if her soul had been stripped away from her.

i can't just stand here though, i thought to myself. i need to say something. not just anything though, something of value.

"hi" was all i managed to get out after swallowing the huge lump in my throat.

"nigga, hi?" devon asked.

i knew it wasn't the best thing to say, but could it really be worse than saying "thank you" after being told you're liked? i personally don't think so.

"devy!" kyah's mom yelled out before scolding him.

after that she stood up and made her way over to us, opening her arms and engulfing me in a big hug.

unlike mine, her mom has genuinely liked me. we don't have the relationship where we call each other and talk outside of kyah, or even really ever spend time together without her. we actually don't even interact much. we're just cool. she likes me and i like her, just like that.

judging by her reaction to seeing me and the hug, i'm guessing ky hasn't told her we broke up yet. or maybe she did but didn't make me out to seem like a dick. only devon's reacting as such.

"i'm so sorry" she whispered as she hugged me tighter.

sorry?

i mean i know this isn't exactly how things were supposed to go, but the result ended up the same. the sorry shouldn't be meant for me, i don't think.

thankfully, yet once again surprisingly, kyah spoke up so that i didn't have to respond.

"can we get the room" she asked softly.

everyone began to turn their attention to her, questioningly, yet still beginning to gather themselves.

i guess visitation time was over for them anyways 'cus they all started to pack their stuff up basically. all but crystal.

after doing so they each went to go say their goodbyes to her while malik and i kinda shifted over some, that way we weren't blocking the door.

"you sure?" i could hear crystal whisper to her as it was her turn to say goodbye.

i could tell she'd be back though because there was another spend-the-night bag in the corner which i knew was her's 'cus i helped kyah pick it out for her as a gift.

kyah simply nodded yes which indicated to crystal that yes she wanted to speak, as if that wasn't already given when she first asked. i hate girls friends, i swear.

as the rest of the family walked out and crystal gathered some—but not all—of her things, malik made his way over to kyahs bed. he placed the balloons near the foot of her bed, then stood in place, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"i'm uh...sorry this happened. i hope you get well soon" he said with a hint of sympathy before nodding then following crystal out the room.

kyah didn't even bother responding to him, not that he even gave her the chance to.

but finally it was just us.

the whole way here, as we went to the store to grab this stuff, and throughout the long drive, i thought of what i would say to her in this moment. "hi" was not exactly what i had in mind but in the moment i guess it sufficed.

but now...now what do i say?

god may have blessed me with looks, intelligence, and some other great things; however, communication skills, especially in situations like these, i was not equipped with the required skill set. but you already knew that.

"h-h-how're you feeling?"

i was more nervous now than when i first lost my virginity; and i almost didn't even put it in the right hole that time, so imagine me now.

"three questions, then i don't want to talk about it anymore" she said.

she then began to scoot over a lil in the bed, which i could tell was slightly uncomfortable, at least by the faces she was making. she then patted the now empty, less than half, space on the bed indicating for me to lay down with her.

obviously given her condition, that wasn't really something i was ecstatic to do. but of course i gave in.

after resting the flowers and teddy bear next to her on the night stand, i kicked off my shoes and walked over to the other side of the bed.

"you sure this coo?" i asked as i sat down, about to swing my legs onto the bed.

"you want that to count as a question?" she asked.

okay then.

i laid down next to her, keeping as much distance as i could between us, meaning i basically had one cheek hanging off the bed, as half my body was not on it. i kept my distance 'cus i didn't exactly know the state of her condition and i'm sure no doctor would recommend doing this.

but in reality, the real reason why i'm keeping my distance is 'cus of last night. and not just because of last night, but because i haven't showered since then.

malik and i ran out of the hotel room as soon as crystal informed me of what had happened. in hindsight a shower would've only put us behind time like thirty minutes, and us arriving that time wouldn't have changed much, especially since we stopped for gifts.

and although i don't smell bad, not to mine nor malik's senses, i still felt dirty. actually i am dirty. i have dried nut on and in me from not only myself, but at least malik and karim.

laying next to her when she just had surgery a few hours ago definitely isn't sanitary. i'll make sure to let the nurses know on our way out to change the sheets asap. i've done enough to her body as it is.

i would just choose not to lay next to her, but then she'd wonder why and i don't really feel like making up an excuse right now. i'll just try and keep my distance.

"three questions" she spoke, breaking the silence i wasn't even aware of.

three questions. sheesh. i could understand that though because she just went through something traumatic and has had to tell it to at least three people recently, i'm sure she doesn't want to spend all day on it.

i stared up at the ceiling, thinking of questions that i genuinely had and questions that would get me the most information, deciding to somehow combine them
to make three good questions.

"uh okay...i guess we can start with...what exactly happened? like how'd you end up here?"

i think that's a pretty solid question.

she sighed then began to play with her fingernails, which i noticed to be plain. i've rarely ever seen her without her nails being done—typically only in between nail appointments. she's not really the type to get three-inch-long nails with the over the top designs, but she always keeps a nice, clean, expensive set. only today it was just her simple natural nails, all cut to the same short length.

"like two days ago i started to notice some lower back pain that i had. but you know, with pregnancy and all i thought it was just normal. then later that night i had some spotting. that i did not think was normal, but it was light spotting so i once again ignored it. that was until yesterday.

"yesterday i couldn't even get out of bed with how much pain i was in. it was like being on period cramps kind've but even worse. i can't explain the feeling. anyways crystal came over first thing, then we called the doctor who did the initial test. she was concerned and advised us to come to the hospital.

"after that it was just a bunch of tests till finally they told me what was going on. after that they gave me the options of letting my body do the job naturally and expel it, take a pill and go home, or surgery. you can obviously see what i chose."

dang.

"you in any pain?" i asked, immediately remembering after that i was limited to three questions.

"um...right now? not really i'm kinda numb from all the meds they gave me. if i move a certain way, or cough, or sneeze, then yeah, but only for that moment. other than that, no, not really"

i nodded my head, satisfied with that answer. i don't want her to be in anymore pain.

"what else do you want to know?" she then asked, her voice getting softer.

i don't even know what to ask. i have questions, but like...which one did i care to have answered the most right now? that's the real question.

"umm" i said, trying to buy myself some time to think.

"how do you feel about it?" i asked.

"like not the circumstances, but you know, the bigger picture i guess" i clarified.

this time it was her taking her time to think about what she wanted to say. based on how long it was taking her though, i felt like i already knew the answer.

"if i'm being honest, relieved"

okay, maybe i wasn't exactly expecting that.

"that's uh—"

"i know, you're glad to hear to that" she said cutting me off.

"nah, that's not what i was gonna say. i mean well yeah, but..."

let me shut the fuck up.

"it's okay," she nodded "i know it's not what you wanted anyways"

true. but as we already talked about—wait...not what i wanted?

i wanted to bring that up, but given the timing and the circumstance, it's probably not the best time. why would she say that though?

"is it sumn you wanted?" i asked instead—genuinely curious now.

"that's four questions" she responded.

"you being dead ass?" i asked, turning my head to face her.

she too stared up at the ceiling, looking deep in thought. this whole time she'd maintained a strong composure, looking lost and hopeless rather than sad. but now i could see a tear forming in the corner of the one eye visible to me, teasing to drop.

"i'm sorry, don't cry" i said while bringing my hand up to her face, using my thumb to wipe away the tear as it fell.

"it's not you...it's these hormones" she explained.

oh.

we laid there in silence, just like that for what felt like an hour—but in reality it was probably only a few minutes.

i'm not gonna lie though, i kinda missed this. the moments when we'd just lay down, neither of us on our phone or anything like that, and just enjoying each others presence. it honestly started out as her idea, she used to call them "nap dates." yeah, it was a real thing.

as i was thinking randomly about something unrelated, i felt my hand being grabbed. at first i flinched, honestly not expecting it, until i realized it was her and relaxed to her touch.

"i was gonna keep her" she whispered, squeezing my hand gently as she said that.

i once again looked over, this time to see her looking back at me. once again tears were forming in her eyes, but i didn't call any attention to it in light of her "hormones."

"yeah...i know" i whispered back.

she kinda looked taken back by my response, but then shrugged.

honestly, i did know. maybe not 100%, maybe not even 75%, but a part of me knew she would end up not going through with it. deep down i know she'd want to, and she probably would make it all the way down to the planned parenthood. but i knew that the second they propped her legs up, she'd tell them to stop.

kyah's just not that girl, and i knew that. i had hope she would go through with it, i honestly did. and i did have faith in her to do it, but lowkey i knew she wouldn't.

"when would you have told me?" i asked.

"i honestly don't know. i only just decided while all this was going on. the night it started, when the spotting happened, i realized how scared i was. i was scared for this...seven weeks of clumped cells life. it made me wonder, why would i be scared of losing something i didn't intend to keep in the first place?"

hmm.

"anyways later that night i had a dream..."

i've heard this story before.

"i'm not sure if you've ever heard of this, but pregnancy dreams are like fortune tellers in a way, or at least that's what they say. so in this dream, we had a daughter, maybe two or three, couldn't be much older than that really. i spent the morning with her, got her dressed, did her hair, that kinda stuff. after some time she disappeared down the hallway or something. i could hear her laughing and giggling before it stopped. then in the dream our daughter is calling out to me for help. i vaguely remember going to the hallway and seeing her running towards me, at this point i'm unsure if she's in tears or crying out of laughter. then suddenly you appear chasing after her and that's when i woke up, not knowing what happened next.

"i was so lost 'cus that had been my first dream about it, after finding out. somehow i took that to be some sort of sign to protect our daughter and all this other stuff i convinced myself of. i guess that's when i officially decided i wanted to keep her. literally hours before i found out she was never mine to begin with. isn't that something?"

i didn't know what to say. i was at a loss for words.

had this not happened, i might've been a father in a few months. most guys would be cheering for joy and celebrating right now. however, while i am relieved, i can't help but still feel some type of way.

kyah doesn't deserve this—arguably no woman does—but right now i can only speak on her.

it makes me feel guilty knowing that while she was going through all of this last night, i was...you know...yeah.

i held her hand last weekend in her bathroom and promised her that i'd be there for her every step of the way, yet i failed to be here when it required me the most. i know i couldn't have done anything about it, but i could've at least been here. it's quite literally the least i could do, and i failed to even do that.

"i'm sorry" i figured i'd say.

i wasn't only saying it 'cus it felt like the thing to say, but because i genuinely meant it. she wouldn't know exactly what for, but at least she'd get to hear it.

"i'm sorry too" she said before beginning to silently cry.

as much as i didn't want to, i knew i couldn't just leave her be with all her hormones and all, so i shifted over a little bit so she could cry into my shoulder.

i still kept my lower half on the edge of the bed whilst i reached over and wrapped my arm around her, fully engulfing her and allowing her to be vulnerable.

i know to someone looking in from the outside they'd find this all stupid given that she was already going to get rid of it. but, ignoring the fact that she wouldn't have went through with it, this still isn't the ideal way for the job to have gotten done anyways. instead of doing it on her own time, in her own way, the choice was taken from her. that's what i think makes it harder for her. losing the baby i knew she would eventually get over, even if she grew to want it. she's said it before, she likes her body how it is and she's not ready. but for it to be done like this? i know she'll definitely need some time to recover, and i don't mean physically.

she cried for some time, soaking the shoulder of malik's hoodie that i wore in tears. eventually she drifted off to sleep with me just watching and listening to her breathe.

that happened to be just enough to put my already-tired-from-last-nights-activities-ass to sleep. i don't know exactly how long i was out for, but it couldn't have been that long before...

"yo" i heard malik's voice as i felt my foot being shaken.

i slowly opened my eyes to see him at the foot of the bed, staring down at me. to add onto that, crystal was now back in the room, seated over on the side where kyah's family was before.

"we got practice" he continued.

oh shit. i definitely forgot about that.

i contemplated for a second asking him to skip, but considering how we lost yesterday, and his comments about the teams performance, i don't think that's exactly a good idea.

trying my best not to disturb her, i slowly pulled away and maneuvered myself out of the cuddling position we were now in, and managed to get myself up without waking her.

after that we said bye to crystal—who seemed uninterested in my bye, but entertained maliks—then quickly left the hospital room.

neither of us spoke a word to each other as we walked through the hospital building, through the parking lot, and upon sitting down.

we drove about a good ten minutes until we pulled up at a gas station until finally he broke the silence.

"she good?" he asked as he got back in from refilling the gas.

i just shrugged. physically, yeah she's doing good, but emotionally, that's gonna take some time.

"well it's over with now so you don't gotta worry 'bout that" he said before putting the car in drive.

i wasn't really worried to be honest.

in there beginning, finding out, yeah. but after that i kinda accepted it. if she did have the baby, so what? neither of us are teenagers. our parents used to get married and would be popping kids out all at 18, 19, and 20. yeah the economy and everything is different now, but we would've managed. i wasn't worried. it wasn't necessarily what i wanted given where i am in life right now, who i'm with, and the fact that ky and i aren't together anymore, but i would've pulled through and did what i needed to do. it would've been fine. i would've been fine...with it.

"she was gonna keep it" i whispered to myself as he drove out of the gas station.

he didn't respond, which made me think he hadn't heard me, as it wasn't really intended for him to hear. but i was quite mistaken. he didn't respond initially.

"wait...so when you tol' me the clinic was booked and y'all was gon' get it done in two weeks, that was cap?"

"wha—no"

"so then she was finna keep it without tellin' you?" he guessed again.

"no. can i explain or you want to throw sumn else out there?" i asked.

he shut up and nodded his head yes. finally.

"she said that she just decided yesterday while she was goin' thru all the pain that she wanted to keep it. said she felt a need to protect her or sumn"

"y'all knew it was a girl already?"

"no," i shook my head "she just felt like it was based on a dream"

"oh"

i whispered "yeah" then turned my attention to my window, assuming the conversation was over.

"would you have been down for that?" he asked.

once again i shrugged. yes and no, for the reasons i basically just thought about.

"i would've stepped up if she decided to keep it, but it don't matter anymore anyways"

"hmm" he said.

"what?"

"nothin'. i was only askin' 'cus when crystal tol' you about it on tha phone, you was scared. you seemed worried. i thought that maybe meant...you cared for it or sumn"

"well yeah ky was in the hospital carrying our kid, i think that's sumn to be a lil worried about. you don't think so?"

"i do. that's...that's not what i'm tryna say. you should've been, ion think you being worried about kyah is a problem at all. it's who you are, i expected that"

"so i'm confused then"

"don't be, it's no problem, forget it"

"nah, what's up?" i asked.

"it's stupid, i was just overthinkin' shit"

"tell me"

he sighed then gripped his wheel tighter.

"i just...when you were on the phone with crystal earlier you just said sumn"

"when i asked how she was?" i asked, not knowing what else could've been conversation-worthy.

"nah, you ain't ask how kyah was"

i very much did.

"huh?"

"you ain't ask 'bout ky. you asked if the baby was okay?'"

"yeah. i asked if she and the baby were okay?"

"no no no. you ain't ask if she was okay. you only asked 'bout the baby."

oh. i guess i ain't realize. in my head i really meant them both. i guess i considered them one in the same, so by asking 'bout the baby i was inadvertently asking 'bout her too. or at least that was what i instinctively thought.

"and i ain't sayin' that's a problem" he continued "i just find it uh...interesting, i guess. you knew y'all wasn't keeping it, at least at that time that's what you knew, yet when you found out what happened your first thought was 'bout how it was doin', not ky. that's very paternal of you if you ask me. you was cut out for this"

"hm, aight" i nodded, understanding what he was saying.

"you good?" he asked after some time.

i nodded my head in response. i was. but i can't lie, i still had some questions. didn't matter though.

"aight" he said before reaching for my hand and bringing it to his lips to kiss.

"i can't make any promises, but if you really want, we can start trying for our own. no guarantees i'll be as good of a mom as kyah though, but i'll do my best"

i turned my head to look at him and stared blankly.

"too soon?" he asked with a smirk.

i simply rolled my eyes and turned away, knowing he don't ever take shit seriously anyways. i can't be mad at him for sumn i already know and put up with from time to time, but imma for sure be pissy about it.

"vale, lo siento" he said, squeezing my hand gently.

"whatever"

"you like my spanish?"

i shrugged.

"practicing for next sunday"

"what's sunday?"

"dinner...with your mom"

once again i turned to look at him, this time with a questioning look.

"while you was sleeping with yo shawty, i called her, asked to do dinner on sunday. i figured that'd be a great time to break it to her, if that's cool with you."

i rolled my eyes at the "yo shawty" part, but ultimately nodded.

malik and i, as boyfriends, to have dinner with my mom.

that should be...normal i guess, given that malik is usually at my place for dinner at least once a week anyways. it should be smooth, i can't see why not.

— 𝙾𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙾𝚆𝙽 𝙻𝙾𝚆 —
𝚅𝙾𝚃𝙴 | 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃 | 𝚂𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙴