Loki doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Every single one of these people are pissing him off, and he's sick of them all.
Unfortunately, every single one of these people is also an idiot and he doesn't trust them to make it to Siberia without murdering each other, so he's stuck going along for the ride – after he feeds Alpine, of course, and then gives Snowflake a snack so she doesn't eat Alpine's lunch.
He keeps himself invisible the whole flight. The only person who knows he's here is Wanda, and she seems very careful not to look at him. It's for the best, for both their sakes.
It's a tense flight. He can usually count on Tony to crack some jokes to keep everyone entertained; instead, the man sits with his arms crossed, silent, barely even looking at anyone. Loki's glad. He wants the guy to be miserable. He wants all of them to be miserable. It's what they deserve for being so goddamn stupid.
He will rather reluctantly admit that he does have some sympathy for the Spider kid. Objectively, he knew when he heard that he was only 14 that he was young. He's roughly Harley's age, and Harley's still a kid, too. But it doesn't really sink in until he takes off his mask that he is really just a kid. He's just a young, tired, confused kid, who really shouldn't be here in the first place.
Bruce sits down next to him, and Peter gives him a tired smile, which the scientist returns with one of his own.
"How're you holding up?' Bruce asks him.
Peter shrugs. "I'm alright."
"Not quite what you were expecting, huh?" Bruce remarks.
Peter huffs. "No, not quite," he admits. With a slight smile, he adds, "Better than homework, though."
"Oh, I would hope so," Bruce says, amused. "You know, if you need an extension on any of your work, I'm sure I can just shoot your teachers an email that you were working on something for me this weekend."
Peter shakes his head. "I don't think they'd believe it."
"If it comes from my official email, they would," Bruce tells him. "Or, when we get back to New York, if you want to come check out the compound, we can take a picture in the lab; that can be your alibi."
Loki glances at Tony instinctively, not that the compound is really his in the same way Avengers Tower was. Tony glances up at the invitation, his expression unreadable, and goes back to looking at his hands.
Peter's eyes light up at that. "That would be awesome, Dr. Banner, thank you!"
Bruce chuckles. "No problem, kid," he says. "You came all the way to Germany to give us a hand. It's the least I can do."
"I haven't really done much yet," Peter remarks.
"You stopped the Black Widow and the Hawkeye," Bruce reminds him. "That's not easy."
"Yeah, I guess," Peter admits, and the corners of his lips turn upward in a slight smile.
Steve seems less sure about this. "If he goes to the compound, there's a good chance he'll run into Loki."
Bruce waves that off. "Loki likes kids. It'll be fine."
"He did threaten to kill every single one of us today," Pietro tells him. "And I think that he was serious."
Bruce stares at him. "He did what?"
"He wasn't serious," Steve says, rolling his eyes. "But he is pissed, and I don't think it's a good idea to introduce him to anyone new right now."
Bruce nods slowly. "Right..."
Peter forces a smile. "That's okay," he assures him. "I don't think I want to meet Loki, anyway."
Loki can't blame him. Even putting aside his past terrorism, he wouldn't want to be near himself right now, either, if he had the choice.
"He really is a good guy, most of the time," Bruce tells him. "He likes princess movies and Taylor Swift and he has this weird obsession with Owen Wilson."
"Owen Wilson's the guy that voices Lightning McQueen, right?" Peter asks.
Loki stares at him.
He knows Owen Wilson from an animated movie about talking cars? That's almost offensive to this man's brilliant body of work.
"Yeah, him," Bruce says.
"Loki's obsessed with Lightning McQueen?"
"No, he's mostly obsessed with the little cowboy from Night at the Museum," Bruce tells him. "But I think he's seen every single movie Owen Wilson has ever been in, Cars included."
"Wow," Peter says. "I did not see that coming."
"Yeah, he's funny like that," Bruce says. "I know with the whole 'alien invasion' thing, he probably sounds like a bad person, but he really is a good guy. If you ever meet him, you'll see."
Peter doesn't quite seem convinced.
"You know," Natasha tells him, "there was this lady who kept randomly showing up at all Stark's parties, and all she would tell us is that she was a friend of Thor's–"
Clint cracks a smile. "Wouldn't even tell us her name," he adds. "We ended up calling her Sylvie just so we had something to refer to her as."
Natasha gestures to him. "And she would just show up and flirt with everyone the entire time. I am still to this day shocked that she and Rogers never kissed."
Steve rolls his eyes lightheartedly. Peter just looks confused.
"Well, come to find out," Natasha says, "it was Loki the whole time. He just got bored of sitting in his room and he was like, 'You know what I should do? I should go show off my boobs and flirt with the Avengers.'"
Loki rolls his eyes, too. What was he supposed to do? He was bored. Is a guy not allowed to be bored anymore?
Peter cocks his head to the side, shoulders shaking from silent laughter. "He did what?"
"The first time we had a party in the tower," Natasha adds, "we were like, 'oh god, I hope Loki doesn't blow up the building.' Little did we know..."
Is this what they do when he's not here? They just make fun of him behind his back? God, these people suck. And after all he's done for them, too! Why are these the people he has to keep sticking his neck out for? Why are these the only people he'll ever get to talk to (Thor and Frigga excluded) for the entire rest of his miserable life?
"Maybe I do want to meet Loki," Peter remarks, then quickly adds, "some day that's not today, because you guys said – I mean, just, you know, when he calms down. Someday. If that's cool with you. 'Cause I totally get if it's not–"
Bruce chuckles and pats him on the shoulder. "I think that can be arranged."
Peter grins. "Awesome."
Tony speaks up for the first time this whole flight, his voice uncharacteristically monotone as he says, "But you can't tell anyone he's here. We're getting enough flak as it is; we don't need the world to know that we've been working with Loki, too."
"Oh, yeah, no, I totally get it," Peter assures him. "Nobody even knows that I'm Spider-Man, so I couldn't even tell anyone anyway."
Tony just nods, then goes back to staring at his hands. It probably brings Loki more joy than it should.
Much of the rest of the flight also consists of talking with Peter – to keep the kid entertained or to keep themselves entertained, it's hard to tell – but finally, they land in Siberia, and then it's go-time. The Avengers waste no time in climbing to their feet, but Steve stops them.
"Nobody leaves the Quinjet until after I call Loki," he says, already pulling out his phone to do just that.
"Probably a good idea," Clint agrees. "We've made it almost four years without him murdering us. I'd hate for that streak to end today."
Natasha elbows him to shut him up, but the slight smirk on her face says she doesn't hate the joke as much as she pretends she does. Loki doesn't hate it, either, but he's not sure he'd call it a joke. If they piss him off one more time, he might kill them all, Allfather's wrath be damned.
Loki waits until Steve puts the phone to his ear before making himself visible. As far as anybody on this jet knows, Wanda excluded for obvious reasons, he has been at the compound for the entire flight.
Steve greets him with a hesitant smile. "Hey."
Loki just rolls his eyes. "There is no need for pleasantries," he says. "Let's finish this so that we can fix this mess you've all made by even entertaining the idea of the Accords, and then I can go home and you can try to go a day without proving that even the smartest and the strongest of humanity is made up of absolute fools."
Steve nods awkwardly, and Loki revels in his discomfort.
"Just, out of curiosity," Natasha says, cautious with both her words and her tone, "do you have a plan to fix the mess with the Accords?"
"Threats of violence," Loki answers. "And if that does not work, actual violence."
Natasha clicks her tongue. "Okay," she says. "Good to know."
"Hey, guys?" Bruce says hesitantly. "I think I'm gonna sit this one out, if that's okay with you guys. I just don't think that I need to..."
Loki glances at Steve and Tony. They're usually the two in charge. But Steve looks at him, like he's checking with him whether this is okay, which is ridiculous. Loki doesn't give a single solitary shit about who does what as long as they can do it without getting each other killed in the process.
When he's given no complaints, Steve asks Bruce, "Are you gonna be okay here by yourself?"
"I guess we'll see," Bruce answers.
"Do you want someone to stay with you?" Peter asks. "'Cause I can totally stay here if you think I'll be more useful here."
"I mean, if you want to," Bruce says with a shrug.
Somehow, nobody has any problem with this – further proof that he is surrounded by idiots.
Loki scoffs. "You are not leaving a child alone to watch over him!" He's almost yelling now, but he doesn't care. "Are you expecting a child to defend him against biologically enhanced super soldiers? Are you willing to risk a child facing the Hulk alone?"
He can see it in both Steve and Bruce's face that he's right – and, more importantly, that they know he's right and that they're idiots for even entertaining the idea.
Just because of the conversation he overheard and the likelihood that he will one day meet this child again, Loki tells him, in a much calmer tone, "I mean no offense to you. I'm sure you are a very capable person, but you are still a child." It would be different if he was Asgardian. This would be expected of him if he was Asgardian. But he's not, and given that everyone on this ship was once a child on this planet, they should understand how ridiculous it is to even entertain this idea.
Peter forces a smile that does nothing to hide how uncomfortable he is. "Thanks."
It seems that Tony's finally had enough of this, because he says, "Lang, stay here with Banner and the kid. Everyone else, let's go – preferably before the doc unleashes those super soldiers."
"How do you people get anything done?" T'Challa asks, the first he's spoken during the flight.
"I wonder the same thing myself," Loki deadpans.