Greetings Proxies. One of my favorite YouTubers out there, HoodHoodlumsRevenge (really awesome to check out if you haven't already) does stuff like analyzations of creepypastas, blind readings, and top tens, and he's a rad dude, but he brought something to my attention.
Our grammar is fucking atrocious.
There's a phrase to describe this grammar.
Fucking stupid.
Now, where do I even begin with this. More than likely I'll be making multiple parts to this, because God help me, we'll need it.
Now where to start...
Numbers in writing have always bothered me. Okay, here's a general grammar rule when it comes to numbers. Spell out the numbers one through ten/twenty (the rule is slightly flexible) and write everything up in numeric form.
Don't write that you, "... ate only 1 pancake...", because it makes you look ridiculously lazy. However, it's equally terrible to write "There are seventy-thousand-four-hundred-and-thirteen people in my town" because that is a clusterfuck to the eyes and can be difficult to follow.
And punctuation. Oh boy, where to start on this one...
Let's start with the fact that you don't need twenty exclamation points or question marks for emphasis. One is just fine, and it makes you look childish when you do put "Dude that's so awesome!!!!!!!".
And ellipsis, my favorite form of punctuation, also called dot dot dot or triple dot. It gives that faraway mystical effect, and it's the perfect mood setter. It's a very powerful mood tool when used properly.
"I... I'm pregnant, Sam..."
"She's... Dying, sir."
"Please... Don't forget me, okay?"
However.
When you give stupid people powerful tools, they tend to hurt tthemselves, and that's no different here.
We do not need twenty thousand dots. Again, clusterfuck to the eyes. It's painful to look at, like, persay, a wall of text.
Three sets the mood just fine.
And unless someone is dying, in labor, or out of breath, do not have every other word be separated by a dot dot dot.
And of course, I have to mention the Oxford comma. If I didn't, could I say I was really teaching you about grammar?
I use it. Personally, I just think it looks better. That doesn't mean you have to.
For those who don't know, the Oxford comma is the last comma in a list of things.
"I like cheese, eggs, waffles, and grapes."
The comma before the and is the Oxford comma, and some people say to leave it out. However, I kinds like the little guy. I can't just stop using him now. However, if you do, that is fine. Either way, its correct.
I can't emphasize this enough though.
Do not, I repeat, do not, write your story like a script or use emojis or emoticons in your story unless it is a conversation happening over text message.
This isn't your text to your friend or the script your handing in for your drama class. This is a story that you made public for the whole internet, and you look like a buffoon.
We wouldn't just say, "I love the ice cream, thanks dad, smiley face!"
You write out that you're smiling. That's the point. "I love the ice cream, thanks dad!" I smiled happily, eating away at the ice cream he'd bought for me. It substitutes the word said.
Speaking of using words other than said... Don't use the word said. There's entire websites dedicated to other words than said. Just fucking Google image search "synonyms for said" and you will have hundreds of results.
Alright, that's all for this time, but trust me, there will be a part two. Believe me. There will. My next part will be on Jeff in specific, and his incredibly tragic real life origin.
Yeah, this is gonna get dark.