In the days after that emotionally eviscerating moment with Adam at the dilapidated cabin, I was a complete and utter wreck. Like, zero chill whatsoever. My first love and my first real heartbreak were all tangled up into one incredibly messy ball of feelings.
I basically barricaded myself in my bedroom for a solid week, only emerging for basic sustenance. The rest of the time, I was holed up under my covers in an endless cycle of watching self-healing videos and those lame "how to get over your first love FAST" clips on YouTube. It was a pathetic brand of self-care, but scrolling mindlessly and zoning out to strangers' advice beats falling into a black hole of wallowing, right?
Anyway, my parents obviously noticed my total emotional shut-down after a day or two of me refusing to leave my room except for meals. I started feeding them one flimsy alibi after another about period cramps or feeling under the weather. When I ran out of semi-valid excuses, the alibis just got sillier and more nonsensical.
Belle must have caught on that I was in crisis mode, because one day she came barging into my pit of despair without knocking. She all but physically dragged my butt out to the living room, despite my dramatic protests about being "too fragile" for human interaction. We argued for a bit, but then she whipped out an actual LIST she'd made of anime for us to binge together.
"You promised we'd watch together!"
I remembered how the last time I was home from college, Belle had jokingly declared she was going to curate the perfect anime watchlist for "next time."
"Fine."
One promise of "one more episode" was inevitably followed by another broken promise, and then another. Before I knew it, I'd spent days doing nothing but binge-watching, barely moving except to shovel food into my mouth.
It was...actually a pretty great distraction from the never-ending ache in my chest over Adam. The melodrama and escapism were perfect for avoiding my own melodramatic, histrionic feelings for a while.
After two solid weeks of barely leaving the couch except for bodily necessities (much to my mom's annoyance), my family finally managed to pry me away for our first big beach getaway of the summer. We piled into the car and drove the hour out of Pinecrest.
I had just emerged from the sparkling waves, saltwater still dripping from my hair, and made my way over to where we had our blanket set up.
Swiping wet tendrils out of my face, I made my way over to the little patch we'd claimed with our jumble of beach towels and the faded red-and-white striped blanket Mom always insisted on bringing. Belle was already laying out in one of her scrap-sized bikinis, working on cultivating her summer glow.
Mom was beside her in a modest navy one-piece, looking utterly content under the floppy folds of her sun hat. And Dad was crouched over our wicker picnic basket, unpacking an array of sandwich fixings and getting things prepped for lemonade.
I flopped down on the blanket, still catching my breath from my swim. Droplets of ocean water darkened the fabric beneath me as I pushed my damp hair back off my shoulders. I shot a sidelong glance over at Belle practically coating herself in an oil slick of tanning lotion.
"You know they make sunscreen sprays now, right, Belle? Might be a little quicker than spending an hour greasing yourself up."
She rolled her eyes so hard that I was surprised they didn't get stuck. "Oh, har har, you're so hilarious." Squirting more lotion into her palms, she started meticulously smoothing it over her shoulders and legs. "This way ensures full coverage. Can't risk any missed spots or I'll end up a streaky, patchy mess."
"Well, with all that oil on, I'll just have to sic a flock of seagulls on you. They'll think you're a delicious french fry!"
As my sister huffed at my joke, I thought about how nice it was to be here with my family, laughing and relaxing without any cares in the world. Which reminded me...I had something I wanted to run by them.
"So...I've been thinking," I began, figuring I might as well get it over with. "You guys know how Jay and Adam had a really great time...life-changing experience in Nepal, right?"
Mom and Dad exchanged looks. Belle kept rubbing lotion on her legs, seemingly ignoring me for the moment.
"Well," I continued. "I've been giving it some thought, and I think I might want to take a gap year before starting college again in the fall. Maybe do some traveling of my own, see some of the world, you know?"
There, I'd said it. I watched Mom's eyebrows raise incrementally as she processed this. Dad had gone still, the bag of chips he'd been opening now froze in his hands.
"A gap year?" Mom finally spoke. "Doing what exactly?"
I drew a steady breath. "Well, traveling. Maybe backpacking through parts of Asia. But eventually, I want to spend an extended period volunteering in Nepal. I've got plenty of savings leftover from working at Brown's the last four years, so financing it shouldn't be an issue."
Belle shot me an incredulous look, opening her mouth to no doubt ask a million rapid-fire questions. But Mom beat her to it.
"What brought this on all of a sudden?" Mom frowned slightly. "Everything okay?"
I could hear the uncertainty in her voice and tried to lighten the mood a bit. "Everything is perfect. I just want to do this." Putting on a grin, I joked, "And don't worry, Mom. I won't get lost in the Himalayas and join a Buddhist monastery or something."
She still looked skeptical, but Dad smiled a little at my quip. I knew he was concerned, but he was trying not to dismiss the idea outright.
"It's just...this seems very sudden," Mom said carefully, giving me one of her signature concerned-mom looks over the tops of her sunglasses. "First you refused to leave your room for days. Then you became one with the couch for two weeks straight. And now this?"
She gestured vaguely at me, laid out on the blanket, squinting against the sun's glare.
Crap. I knew exactly what she was getting at—my strange, shut-in behavior and sullen mood over the past few weeks. But there was no way I could tell them the real reason behind my melodramatic spiral.
Forcing what I hoped was a casual, unbothered smile, I gave a dismissive wave of my hand. "Everything's fine, I promise. I was just..."
"Broken-hearted over Adam and Karen," Belle blurted out.
My head whipped around so fast, I'm surprised I didn't give myself whiplash. Belle's eyes were wide but unapologetic as Mom and Dad exchanged one of their laden Parental Looks—Mom's forehead creased with concern, and Dad visibly surprised.
I reached over and smacked Belle's arm hard enough to sting with one of the beach towels.
Dad pushed his sunglasses up into his salt-and-pepper hair. "Now Wendy, I know Adam's your best friend and you're protective of him. But Karen seems like a lovely young woman. Adam's lucky to have -"
I forced an even brighter, fakier smile, trying to lighten the mood. "Yeah, lucky guy. He finally found the human embodiment of a golden retriever—boundless energy, eager to please, cute as a button."
Belle opened her mouth, clearly gearing up to try explaining the whole thing to our oblivious parents.
"Anyway!" I cut her off, raising my voice to overpower hers. "Nepal just sounds like an incredible place to experience a new culture and get some humanitarian work in. And, like I said, Adam and Jay were just talking it up so much, about how eye-opening and perspective-shifting the whole experience was. I figure, why not seize the opportunity to do something like that for myself while I'm still young and unattached, you know? One year, and then I'll be refreshed and reset, ready to dive into the next phase.."
"Is that really why you're taking a gap year?" Belle asked as she arched one eyebrow. "Joining Jay for some self-discovery trip in Nepal?"
"Of course." I kept my tone as nonchalant as possible.
"Really?" Belle drew the word out obnoxiously.
"Stop it, Belle," Mom cut in, shooting her a warning look over the tops of her sunglasses. She turned back to me, her expression softening. "If traveling is something you truly want to do, Wendy, your father and I support you fully."
She reached over to pat my arm reassuringly. "But just like when you called about working for Urban Playhouse and ended up missing out on so much family time with us over breaks and holidays..."
She trailed off, giving a small shake of her head, a faint crease forming between her eyes. "And now this—you'll be miles and an ocean away from us for who knows how long this time."
"Only for a year, Mom. I promise."
"But didn't Adam just stay there for two years?" Belle piped up again, unable to resist needling me further.
My hand stilled on the sandwich fixings as I felt three sets of eyes laser in on me. I attempted to keep my expression blasé as I shrugged one shoulder.
"Well, he met Karen, so that was probably why he extended his stay," I reasoned, hoping I sounded more convincing than I felt.
Truth was, I had no idea if meeting Karen was actually the reason behind Adam's elongated travels or if it was the volunteer gig itself that made him want to stay longer. Meeting his future wife just felt like a more plausible explanation to feed my family.
"And how sure are you that you won't meet some cute Nepali guy or volunteer from Europe who convinces you to stay longer?" Belle's grin was teasing but laced with mischief. "Or maybe even get married over there?"
I rolled my eyes hard. "That is highly unlikely, and I'm not going to purposefully look for a relationship, Belle."
Before the bickering could escalate further, Mom smoothly intervened. "Let's talk about this more when we're home; get all the details sorted out properly."
I knew the topic of my seemingly out-of-the-blue Nepali gap year plans wasn't going away so easily.
As I bit into the sandwhich, feeling relieved at having navigated that conversational minefield, I couldn't help pondering my potential "gap year" a bit more. Getting away from familiarity for a while, striking out on my own in a brand new setting was exactly what I needed to clear my head and find my balance again.
I smiled to myself, feeling more settled on the idea already.