P. S. There's a little inconsistency in the 'i' and 'I', but I can't be bothered to edit the whole thing so please bear with me.
🔬
I met him for the first time when he was sixteen. My teammates found it easy to befriend him. They said 'he is just shy, you will have to make the first move'. But i found him intimidating, that was absolutely my singular opinion.
As the years passed, it only got harder for me to be in his vicinity. To be in the same room, to be batting partners and 'friends'. I could never see him as just a friend. It might have taken me a couple of years to come to terms with my own feelings and preferences, but I knew for sure that Shubman could never be just a teammate or friend for me.
When seeing him and being around him became inevitable, I tamed my heart from going haywire every time Shubman was near me, holding hands or even sharing a side hug after matches. Now i just feel happy with whatever i can have and before I knew we have become roommates.
One fine evening Shubman barged into my room and decided he wasn't shy anymore and claimed the other side of my bed, half my room and my whole wardrobe, his. And all i could do was go along with his shenanigans, at least i could be close to him.
But it was the worst thing i could've done to my poor heart that yearned for him in ways unfathomable. Shubman never seemed to question why the outgoing and ever so loud I, was the quiet one among the duo. We just became the inseparable best friends and the 'couple' of the ICT.
Then the IPL happened. We were both in separate teams thus separating the inseparable duo. But did that stop Shubman from invading my room? Rival team member's room? Nope. Yet just like someone wise had said a long time ago, nothing good lasts forever, our little paradise that i cherished was invaded by a third person.
Maybe it was for the best or for the worst, Shubman got a girlfriend. Like everything that had happened with us, unexpectedly he told me one night while we were in bed, trying to find something to watch that he was seeing Simran. They have been friends since high school and the only girl he kept in touch with through his cricketing career.
I thought, it was for the best. Now the other team members won't tease us anymore, the fans won't talk about us anymore and i could move on, maybe find someone.
'Par yeh dil hey ki manta hi nahin'.
My number of failed attempts at finding someone could be counted with just one hand. But the effort is what matters, right? I asked out a girl i saw at the bar only to be invited for a threesome, a guy approached me with a 'no strings attached' and then came in Mayank. He had asked me out once before and i was so quick to brush him off but now that Shubman had a girlfriend and the whole world knew about it, he popped in again. And this time i wasn't that quick to push him away so i gave being boyfriends a chance. So yes three times, i tried.
Mayank was a good guy, a perfect boyfriend material. He did everything right from buying me gifts and making me feel special to being my emotional support. And that's how we went from being boyfriends to best friends. My journey of moving on lasted three weeks and some very, very bad attempts at sex.
If my hungover and blurry brain had stored the information right, then it was during a party after our victory against CSK, i blurted my guts to Mayank. He had said those three magical words expecting me to consider his feelings when i replied with a bigger blunder. I had said as he recalled, ' I love you too Gill so so so fucking much' and cried my eyes out.
Since that day we have been tied to the hips, you can say Shubman was dethroned by Mayank. Shubman was no longer my 'best friend' he was the friend i had feelings for since the beginning of time but i put up a facade of brotherhood. Did that hurt Shubman? Yes. Was it blatantly evident? Yes.
Shubman had confronted Mayank a few times before he brought the topic to me.
" Yeh Mayank kabse tera bestie ban gaya? You never even mentioned him before and now you are ALWAYS WITH HIM. And the most frustrating thing is he says he is your best friend like the fuck he is"
He was pacing the room murmering and shaking with anger when my roommate Tilak walked in, yes this was my Mumbai Indians team room i shared with the younger. Shubman wasn't even supposed to be in this city let alone this room. Given his state i didn't risk asking any of the obvious questions.
" Tu idar kya kar raha hey? I'm staying here tonight. Go somewhere else". He didn't have to be told twice, Tilak left with a 'good night' directed just to me.
" Shubman, stop being a nuisance to our downstairs neighbours and come sit here", i coaxed him to the bed before he knocked something off or walked into the wall.
" Ish you can be mad at me later but right now i wanna know what's going on"
It didn't feel right to say Mayank was my best friend who i actually trusted with my secrets to Shubman's face or maybe i wanted to see if it would affect him as it had affected me when Simran was brought into the picture. So i said something i didn't imagine in my wildest dreams.
"We are boyfriends"
"Oh Now you call boys best friends as boyfriends wow. Then i should be your boyfriend"
" No Shubman. Mayank is my boyfriend. As in we are dating"
" What? You-"
" Yes, me dating Mayank"
" No, that's not- so it was just me you didn't-"
" Yes, Shubman i could date too, you know", why was i offended by his 'no' I've no idea. But i was.
" No that's not what i meant but when did you even start liking boys like that? "
Oh hell! I didn't think about that. Coming out to your very straight 'best friend' you had feelings for wasn't very wise but blurting out i have a boyfriend was not better either so defence was my weapon of choice.
" I don't owe you an explanation. You never asked me and I didn't feel it necessary to be said. You ain't entitled to each and every detail of my life Shubman"
" Ish, that wasn't my implication. But you can't seriously like guys like that right? All these years together and you never once showed any interest towards me. You-", but before finishing the sentence he walked out of the room banging the door shut.
The clock had added an hour to its time when i decided to text Shubman as he was not showing any signs of coming back.
" Shub I'm sorry for concealing something so important from you but I didn't ever wanna make you uncomfortable being around me. I didn't hide it for any ulterior motives I just didn't wanna lose my best friend.
I understand if you don't wanna be in the same room as me anymore but don't go back now it's already pretty late. Stay in the hotel"
I didn't wait to see the reader's receipts, so I just locked my phone and was staring at nothing in particular when i heard a timid knock on the door.
"Ishan I'm sorry. Meri baton ka aisa matlab bilkul nahi tha".
He engulfed me in a tight hug and i led him inside the room towards the bed. We sat there talking about my 'relationship' with Mayank and how it all happened before sleeping in each other's arms.
But i knew this night would change a lot of things between us when Shubman asked me, " can i hold you while sleeping like always?"
And i was right, for someone watching from afar nothing was different but for the two of us. Shubman didn't stop invading my room and neither did he stop hanging out but something had changed. We didn't talk as much as we used to, Shubman didn't call me every day anymore and didn't come to me at every minor inconvenience. It hurt more than when he called Simran his girlfriend, it hurt more than when Shubman had asked Siraj to stop calling us 'couple'.
This was at the beginning of last IPL and now we are at the playoffs of another season. Today I'll be reuniting with Shubman after four months. The longest we have been apart since he barged into my room and made it his. If the last IPL season was just a hallucination then we would have met a million times during these four months and went on vacation together. Unfortunately, it was not and he didn't even stay with me during the last game against GT.
Practice and pre match pleasantries were exchanged as if on a repeatative script. Shubman came while i was already in the nets, engaging in a banter the very next second, standing beside each other speaking nonsense and then parting with a side hug and cheers for the game.
GT won the toss and elected to the field. Rohit and I were the opening pair for the day and i was feeling rather hot than usual or it was the early signs of me losing my mind to insanity. It was only the second over when i decided, i didn't want a helmet anymore while facing Mohmmad Shami. Good decision? Absolutely not.
It was either Shami bhai was being generous or my mother had disturbed the gods to the max that i was intack till the fifth over. First ball of the sixth over right after a boundary, i was hit at the right side of my forehead with a fierce delivery.
I clutched my head with both my hands and lowered to the ground kneeling. The throb was unbearable but by god's grace or maybe because i ducked at the right time for the ball to grace my head rather than hit square, I haven't lost consciousness.
If it was not for that someone's arm around my shoulder holding me in place and chanting my name, i would have hit the ground and laid there willing my head to stop the pain. The voice calling out my name was quavering and if my concussed brain is braining then that's Shubman's voice.
Before i could console him, the medic team rushed in and started poking and probing me. Five minutes later I walked back to the dressing room, and was retired. I was ruled out of the match when i tried standing up from the examination bed and lost my balance. I didn't go back to the dug out while my team was fielding even though i was feeling better, i felt embarrassed for being so fragile.
I guess it was better that I didn't go out, just to witness my team losing but in turn missed Shubman's classic performance of 129 not out. I loved watching him bat, during matches he was a sight to sore eyes. Also, when he lifted his bat and pointed towards the dugouts before the trademark bow, i secretly entertained the thought that it was for me. Being a one sided lover you could always cook up your own delusional happiness.
I was planning on leaving soon, i didn't wanna stay back for the handshakes or the presentation. This was the last chance this season to prove my worth for the team and what did i do? Score a half century and take stupid decisions and it wasn't like i had anything better to stay back for. Shubman will be busy and anyway it wasn't like he was going to stick by my side and i didn't wanna make it difficult for Hardik bhaiyya by trying to give me attention while having other engagements.
I called Mayank before leaving just to inform him or else he'll have my head. But that has my escape plans delayed because he asked me to wait for him. He walked in right when i was planning on shooting a text and running off.
"Ishu are you really alright? And I don't mean your head 'grazing' the ball"
" Ha baba mein teek hu. I just don't wanna linger here any longer. Straight to the room and I'll just hit the bed". I couldn't resist but ask, " presentation ho gaya?"
"Nope, they were setting it up when i excused myself and yes your guy is the man of the match"
" Hey, i didn't ask for that", I faked innocents, " okay then I'll get going"
" Yeah, I'll see you at the hotel and we will talk about this", Mayank gave me a pointed look followed by a comforting hug.
"Ish"
I let go of Mayank to look at the six foot guy holding on to the door handles, huffing like he had just sprinted all the way here.
"Shubman, what are you doing here?"
"Ish, how's your head? Tu neeche kyu nahi aaya? Is the injury serious? " , Shubman looked all worked up in worry. He strode forward wedging himself between Mayank and I before examining my head then my face and even my arms.
"Shub I'm alright. It was just a-"
" 'graze'. The ball just grazed him", Mayank cut me off with a chuckle.
But the way Shubman glared at him made it clear he wasn't in the mood for humour. I wanted to assure him that it really wasn't serious and I'm perfectly fine yet all i managed to say was,
" Shubman you need to leave. Are you out of your mind? They'll start the presentation or have it started already? "
" I don't care about it baby, I can't just sit there when all i wanted to do since you left the field was run to you"
It's been so long since Shubman had called me 'baby'. Even though i was the elder one in the equation he liked calling me baby and i just enjoyed it, acting annoyed for the sake of it. However, since the day I've lied about Mayank, he hasn't once. Anywho, I didn't have the luxury to dwell in the fluttering butterflies in my tummy.
"Shubman i need you to leave now. This isn't funny"
"Ish, you're injured, you didn't get to play the whole game and i know you'll be blaming yourself for the loss"
" I'm not-", i started but he cut me off.
"No, don't deny it. I know you and I'm losing my mind. What do you think I'm making fun of here?", He said getting agitated.
I know I'm being a bitch towards Shubman but him missing his hard earned player of the match for being here with me was not acceptable.
" Alright, don't care about the POTM but you need to leave. Go to your team right now. Leave me alone", i tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
" Ish, I-"
Shubman then turned his head towards Mayank who was still here? Oh i completely forgot about him. And then back at me before taking a couple of steps back.
" It's just me you don't want here. It's always me who you don't want", Shubman shook his head eyes downcast.
"Take care Ishan. Take care of him okay?", He directed the last part to Mayank and left swiftly.
Mayank was definitely saying something to me but all i could hear was the tremble in Shubman's voice the last he spoke and the welled up eyes? Or was i imagining it?
"No, you ass. You hurt him bad this time. He was this close to breaking down" Mayank's disappointment could be heard in his voice.
"What was i supposed to do? I couldn't let him miss it. I couldn't be the reason. He won't realise it now but later he'll regret it. I know him and his impulse"
"Ishan I don't think you actually understand him"
I had the urge to scoff at his face. " Who do you think understands him if I don't? I'm his best friend and i know what's good and bad for him"
" Ishan I'm not gonna stand here and argue with you but I'll say this, that wasn't very best friend of you and whatever your reasons were that wasn't very nice of you"
I know exactly what he was saying without saying them, though I'm helpless. I can't let him make stupid mistakes and neither can i. This was good, this was for the best. We have been growing apart and maybe this will hammer it into my heart, he's unattainable.
"I'll get going then Mayank. Don't rush back. Take your time here. Okay", i avoided acknowledging his statements and fled.
The whole way back i fought with myself. I wanted to apologise to him, text him how sorry i was, call him and tell him what an idiot I'm and not to take my words seriously. But all the above would just take me back to square one and this time i really needed to move on. So i took some serious steps;
1. Deleted his number.
2. Cleared all the chats from imessage, Whatsapp, Instagram and every other app that supports texting on my phone.
3. Blocked him on socials (if i don't see him I won't have the urge to talk to him).
That would do it. Yes, i can get over him. Let people talk about us falling off, like that matters. Let the whole ICT interrogate, I don't give a damn about it. It's high time i let go of this stupid 'crush', what were you even thinking? Even if he was single, gay and super into you, we could never be together. The fans would ruin us. He would hate me for ruining his career, his life and he'll wish he would have never met me.
A/N: this is my first time writing from the first point of view 😭 and my English teacher from eighth standard wasn't lying. This is a struggle.
One hug, that little caressing 😫 is all that i needed to write 5000+ words and why are they so gentle with each other. I honestly can't stop watching it ahhhhh.
Also I won't dip after this, I will definitely post part two tomorrow. I've already completed 3/4 of it. 🤞🤞