I looked at Alan, my eyes full of condemnation.
But Alan return my gaze, looking straight into my eyes.
What is this? The usual Alan would quickly averts his gaze from mine.
Is he trying to say that he is right?
The door clicks open.
"Oh perfect, the Director was just looking for you two..." Way said with his usual smile. "Umm, did something happen?"
"No...,"I said, my eyes still on him.
Alan broke his gaze, turns to look at Way,"So, the Director.."
"He apparently has something important to say to the both of you.. Would you be able to visit his office?"
"Sure,"I answered.
"Okay."
"Actually, we've received a request from a politician in need of surgery. Matters of health are critical to a politician's career. We need this surgery to go on without a hitch and it has to be performed in absolute secrecy,"Tony said.
"The Director is asking you both to perform this operation together,"Way explain.
"I see..."
"...."
Mutual trust is critical during an operation. But I've completely lost my trust in Alan.
I cant imagine us performing the operation together.
"Is everything all right, Dr Jeff?"
"May I decline?"
The Director looked surprised, unhappy that someone actually dared to refuse his request.
"Hey now, whats the meaning of this?"
"Whats going on Dr Jeff?" Way asked, he too was surprised.
"I'm very sorry, I'm flattered that you would select me but...."
"You dont have to do it if you dont want to,"Alan said harshly. "We have plenty of other doctors who can take your place."
I looked at him with my piercing eyes.
"I will select my assistant,"Alan announced.
"Alan, you didnt have to say that..."Way said.
"I dont need people who have no motivation."
"Dr Jeff, what's the meaning of this?" the Director asked.
"......"
"Did something happened between you
two?"Way asked concernly.
"No....nothing like that...."I answered.
"Well....?"
"Its a problem with me, I feel that...."
Before I can continue, Alan cut me short.
"I've heard enough! You can go now."
I bowed. "I'm very sorry. Please excuse me."
i'm such an idiot....
How I feel its not important....
I am supposed to be on the Tony's good side.
That's what I am here for, I cannot let my emotions get the better of me.
Why did I say those things.....?
"Jeff....!"
I turned around to see Way running over to me.
"I am so sorry, Way."
"You dont need to apologize to me for anything."
"The Director's angry, isnt he?"
"Sure, but I asked him to give you a little time. I said that you've been working so hard for the past few days and must be exhausted."
"And that asking you to perform this operation with Alan puts you under extraordinary pressure. It cant be helped if you're not feeling up to the task but, its true that something happened between you and Alan right?"
"...."
"I thought so when I passed by the office earlier. You can talk to me about it, if you like."
"Way...."
But he's on the Director's side.
Explaining things would gain me sympathy but nothing else...
And he's here, following up in the Director's behalf.
This can be solved quietly.
"I appreciate your concern but I am fine. I will be fine. Dr Alan is a perfect doctor. He would never acknowledge me as a perfect doctor too. That's what was bothering me..I know I've should have explained myself properly back there,"
"Is that all?"
I nodded.
"In that case, you have nothing to worry at all. I'll explain everything to the Director."
"Thanks Way,"
Now its time to apologize to Alan.
Even if I dont agree with what he's doing.
I cant afford to be on his bad side right now.
Everything I am doing now is for my mother.
To make Tony pay for his deeds.
I must not give up.............even if I have to eat my humble pie, so be it............
"Dr Alan..."
Alan was in the office doing paperwork. He stopped to look at me.
"About what happened earlier........."
"If you mean Mr Win, I'm done talking that."
"I know. To be honest, I dont agree with the outcome. But..I shouldnt have brought those feelings into the conversation about the up operation. I am very sorry."
Alan just stare at me in the face.
"You'll do it?"
"Hmmm?"
"The operation."
"Yes, I will."
"Then look at this."
"Okay."
Alan hands me a copy of the medical chart and materials detailing the surgical procedures.
Bank Thanatip... a bigshot senator from the party that's currently out of power.
"Is the day set?"
"Its in five days."
"Five days and he has yet to be admitted to the hospital?"
"Both his admission and the procedure are to be kept secret. We dont want the media to realize anything's happing. So he'll be here the shortest time possible. He's coming in the night beofre the operation."
"So the preoperative examination is also..."
"That's right."
It would normally take about a week, so this is what people meant by 'celebrity treatment'.
"Once he's admitted, there will be no time to doubt or think. We have to drill this information into our heads before he comes."
"Understood."
I returned to my desk and begin reading the chart and surgical texts.
Its already noon...
We have this operation coming, maybe I'll try to invite Alan to lunch again..
"Dr Alan....."
Just as I stand up, Nurse Sonic runs into the room.
"Dr Alan! Something terrible happened!"
"What is it?"
"Vill Wanarot in 701 took a sudden turn for the worst.!"
"I'll be right there."
...I'm pretty sure I've seen her teenage son coming everyday to see her.
She reminded me of when my mum was here 12 years ago.
I did the same thing coming to the hospital everyday.
I believed without a doubt that they'd save her.
Feeling worried, I perk into her room and saw Alan covered in sweat, massaging the woman's heart.
"How long has he been doing this?"
"Almost ten minuted," Nurse North replied.
Alan looks exhausted.
"Take a break. I'll take over," I said.
"Thanks...."
I push past Alan and begin the cardiac massage.
"Please doctor, you've gotta save her!!!!!"
The boy clinged to his mother, crying frantically.
"The doctor is doing the best he can. Come here." Nurse North took the boy at one side.
I'll save her! I wont give up......!
Beep
The waveform on the ECG gradually goes flat.
Nooooooooo!
Come back...Your son needs you!
I am desperately continuing with the massage.
Alan tapped my shoulder," Thats enough."
"Its over."
I turn to face him. "But!"
"Continuing will only hurt her."
"....."
I fell next to the bed, feeling so helpless.
"Dr Jeff..."
Nurse North puts his arms around me and I stood up, dazed.
Alan slowly look at his watch.
"The time of death is 12:37."
"Mom....no..... Mom!!!!!!! You said she'd get better....that she was fine! You'd said we'd go home together....."
The boy's sobbing voice echoed throughout the room.
He was just like me. Like me on the day I lost my mother.......
Suddenly all my pain and heartache came overflowing my mind.
Unable to continue watching, I rushed out of the room
I leaned against the door. My head hung low.
My hand clutching my chest.
"Oh Jeff. Alan was just...."
"....."
"Are you crying?" Benz asked concernly.
"Why would I be crying?"
"Yeah, but...."
"Something got into my eyes."
"Uh...seriously? I mean...."
I dont feel like talking anymore.
"Excuse me..."
I hurried up to an empty room where I let my tears fall one after next.
Oh god...I cant stop...
At times like these, the death of a patient becomes the death of my mother....
I always think that I just have to get used to it but.......
I take deep breaths and wiped my tears away.
I'm hopeless behaving like this... I've decided on the day I vowed revenge. No more tears...
I leave the room just as Alan walks by. Wow, great timing....
I dont want him to realize I've been crying and cast my face downward.
"That kind of thing only interferes with calm judgement."
He knew...
My hands balled into fists.
"I am sorry. I was upset that I couldnt save her..."
"Its not possible to save all our patients."
"I know that."
"Then dont waste time after its over."
Waste time?
So when he loses patient, thats it? He doesnt think about anything?
"You must have something better to do with yourself than cry."
"......"
"There are other patients you should be helping."
I know that. But you dont know what I am going thru....
I bet Alan never lost somebody important to him..... so how can he understand the feeling?
I finished my rounds and return to the office.
Its still ringing in my ears, the voice of Ms Vill Waranot's son.
I sit down and stare off into space.....when I realized somebody is waving a hand in front of me. Benz?
He saw me crying. This is awkward.
"Well, dont you look tired?"
"Busted..." I replied with a short smile.
"Its not goid to push yourself so hard. Bad for your body, bad for the soul."
"Yeah..."
"By the way you know where Alan is?"
"Nope..."
"Huh...I wonder if we missed each other. He was suppossed to meet me in the Internal Medicine. I have been waiting. Since he didnt seem to be coming, I thought I'd come here but...."
"You came to Surgery a lot, dont you?"
He smiled. "You could say that. I give advice on the operations, about life.....love...."
"Really huh."
"Wow, totally ignored. You are as cool- headed as you look."
"Anyway, what am I gonna do..."
"I'll let him know when he's back. I'll tell him you stopped by."
"Yeah? That'd be a big help. So....I think I'll have a coffee."
"Huh?"
He's not going back to his floor.... Benz waltzes into the break room and reappears holding a cup of coffee in each hand.
"Here you go."
"Um, thank you...."
"The coffee here is better. Dont you think?"
"I really dont know...."
"Its not like I've had coffee from Internal Medicine."
Benz sipped the drink. He looked satisfied.
"Something different....is it the beans? No, maybe its the person who made it."
"Its automatic, I dont think it makes a difference on who presses the On button."
"So you're saying its in the beans. Ours must be cheap. They treat us poorly when we worked hard. The internists." He's rather relaxed...like he has nothing but time.
"Just now, you were thinking that I've got tons of free time, weren't you?"
"You're a mind reader."
"Hey Jeff, you're supposed to be like -Not at all!- . You could hurt my feelings."
"I am sorry."
Benz is like trying to be buddies with me.
"I suppose you and Alan have that in common."
"Whats that?"
"He can always see thru lies and flattery. He can't stand such stuffs."
"I see..."
Now that Benz mentions it, I saw what he meant..
"And? How us it going with you two?"
"I have no idea."
"Oh well, no surprises there."
"?"
"You know what he's like. Its harder to find soneone who does get along with him than someone who doesn't."
"But he's a good doctor. Dont you think so?"
"Of course I do but ...."
His technique is impeccable.
And I know that he spares no effort when it comes to his patients. Yet...he's so cold.
I sometimes think he doesnt feel anything at all.
"He's a bit too....cold."
"Yeah, well, he certainly tells it like it is. But if he didnt have high hopes for you, he wouldnt even be talking to you."
Benz.....are you comforting me? Maybe he thinks it was because of Alan that I was crying.
"Alan just.... He's showing that he expects good things from you, in his own way.
Benz, you got it all wrong but...I will just go with it...
"Thank you."
"Well, I should be going. Make sure you tell Alan that I was here."
"I will. I will emphasize how you went out of your way to be here."
"Thanks!"
Phew, I'm glad I didnt have to explain myself.
Benz seems like a good person and he also seems to understand Alan.
I will ask him more next time.
I visit Mr Win before leaving for the day.
"How are you feeling, Mr Win?"
"Well, thanks to you."
"Tomorrow is the big day."
"Yes."
"Is there anything thats troubling you?"
He shakes his head.
"If you or your family are ever worried about anything, you can call the Hospital at any time."
"Thank you but I dont think I'll be bothering my family any longer."
"What do you mean?"
"Both my daugter and son say that they wont have anything to do with me after I'm released."
"What are you.....?"
Does that mean that the hospital's decision has pulled his family apart?
"Doctor, please dont make that face.Its better this way."
"Mr Win..."
The next morning....
When I arrive at work, the nurses are standing with a bouquet of flowers in their hands.
Alan was guiding Mr Win in his wheelchair.
Close by him, is a woman who appears to be his wife.
Yesterday he was saying - they wont be bothered by me anymore-.
But his family came after all....
"Mr Win..."
"Dr Jeff, thank you for everything."
"It all happened too soon. You're leaving."
"No, if I'm going to leave, better sooner than later, right?"
He smiles at the woman beside him.
"Yes,"the woman agrees.
The two of them look so happy.
I thought his family wanted him to be treated in the hospital, but...
Is it true that he was released in order to vacate the single-occupancy room?
I guess I really dont know.
"We're so thankful to Dr Alan. Thank you gor anything and everything."
"Thats not necessary..."
"Well anyway, thank you all."
He shouldnt be thankful at all.
Alan discharged him in the interest of hospital politics...
"He's a lucky man...,"Nurse Lisa commented.
I looked at her questioningly.
"They looked so happy together....And its all thanks to Dr Alan."
What? Thanks to Alan?
"What do you mean?"