"HER POV"
"don't worry I've an idea, ... there's only one solution.." It's been almost a month, of thinking what Yuri recommended that day. the glares I'm facing and the way ji-ho always defend me, but how long??!!....
"Fatima!... Fatima bety?"
"Huh?! " looking up, was too lost in thoughts that I hadn't realized baba was calling me.
"What happened beta? You're not eating properly? " baba notices me, playing with peas on my rice plates.
I shake my head, "n.o..nothing baba.". Lie. I started lying to myself that I don't care what people say, how they see me, how I look different. but deep down it's staying in my brain 24/7.
Baba takes a deep breath after sipping his glass of water. All four of us have lunch together at only weekends, the whole week, baba at his work, Rumi and I at our institutes and maa all alone at home. She says she misses Pakistan a lot. Everyone does except Rumi, who is really enthusiastic for being here. I guess she has made a friend who admires her art, perhaps maa knows it better, I don't have much time to listen to this talking machine. And I can't deny that in just two months of university, I am getting quieter day by day. Perhaps I'm questioning myself? How can I disappoint my parents especially baba in any way, when he sacrificed his everything for me!! ..
"Fatima! I've been noticing that you're not paying much attention at home". Maa says in a concerned way.
I nod, " yeah mids of my first semester is on the way, I'm just busy there".
"Time flies very quickly, look, it's been almost three months we shifted to Korea and it still feels so new, like yesterday we came here? " baba chuckles.
Maa g nods in agreement, " yesterday I was talking to Jamila Baji. She said everyone misses us a lot especially hamza misses rumi".
Rumi pouts, " but I don't miss hamza bhai, he always hides my colors and spoils my paintings ".
" Rumi!! " maa glares at her , she immediately gets quiet, baba chuckles.
I know how much we all miss Taya and tayi jaan (uncle and aunt) and hamza (my cousin) who is years younger than me, the only heir of Taya's property and heart. Sometimes I feel all the burden on myself of how my family separated for me. Our joint family is now in two parts. All because of me.. And I now think I am not able to pay back.
Again seeing me all silent, baba asks, " Fatima! Are you stressed because of...".
"Exam". I complete his sentence.
" why beta? You're brilliant enough to get stressed of this little thing? "
"Baba! It's different now. Too much study pressure and the competition. I worry what if I.."
"You're just thinking too much, remember what I taught you, when you think that you're in difficulty, what should you do?"
Before I can reply,Rumi shouts, "Quran!! " I look at her smile, "baba! You taught us that the Quran is the cure of hearts so if we feel stressed, we should read and understand what the Quran says and the problem solve".
Baba nods then says, " Rumi! I think I've taught you something else too? "
She frowns.
"Haven't I taught you not to talk too much, especially in between two people who are already having a conversation? " this time baba pretends to be angry while showing her, his glare.
She flinches her little nose, growls, "finnnee".. Then focuses on her plate.
I look back at baba, how can I tell him my problem. He'll advise me to stay loyal to Islam but he knows nothing. How can a man understand women's problem. The judgmental stares, the mocks, the comparison. " you're right, baba! I was kinda busy, so I couldn't recite Quran majeed with concentration. I'll now.. "
Baba smiles so do I. Hiding my tensions in smile is easy than explaining the tension itself.
......
The next morning
After doing the last button of my sea- green abaya and adjusting my hijab, I see my reflection in the mirror, I may stay silent outside, but the sounds screaming inside me, tearing my soul apart;
"Rumi! Hijab is... ' your identity!'"
If there is no self-control, a man dies. But if a woman becomes immoral, a society is destroyed"
"she looks odd. Doesn't she? "
" this is worse than death for her".
"You look different from others"
"Stop it", I cover my ears as those words are bombing in my ears, taking long breaths; I remember what Yuri said, "There's only one solution!!" And I get lost back in that scene, "you don't disappoint your parents and still want to look normal. So put on hijab when you leave home and take it off when you get here in campus. Look! No one knows your background here, no one here is familiar, nor family relations. So your parents would never know. You'll be safe from all directions. Simple".
" she is right tho" I say to my reflection, more I think, more I realize that it's the only way to keep my modesty and modernism in balance.
Getting out of the room, I see Rumi is still taking her breakfast, in a stern voice, "Rumi! Let's go! ". Maa arranging the plates on the table.
"But unnie! It's just 7:04 . " she says while watching the time, on her wrist.
"I said let's go means we are leaving! ", I say while opening the main door, my tone shows no mercy.
Rumi looks at maa a little surprised, maa shrugs her shoulder, saying, " what happened to her? "
......
I enter the girl's restroom. With a sigh, I unbutton my abaya, just like I'm betraying myself. I take it off, adjust my scarf. Seeing my reflection, I want to slap myself, perhaps for others it's not a big deal, I'm not revealing myself but still a bond with abayas for years, in Pakistan everyone knows I used to wear abaya but here. I can't fight with glares anymore. It's better in everyone's favor.
"Fatima? " I turn back after putting my abaya in my locker, no one but ji-ho just standing behind me, a crooked smile appears on her face, I wonder in what sense, but my lack of confidence is fading away, "OMG! Finally I'm seeing a human without that Boring ass gown but what's with the head cover? "
"It's my hijab, ji-ho! I can't take that off," I say in annoyance. It's just my girls whom I feel comfortable enough to talk but others. Never.
"Oh well well, obviously it's your choice, but still you're looking simple enough, can I take a little chance? "
"Chance? " . Just then I see Yuri and Millie joining us, their gazes travel from my head wear to shoes, wearing a white kurta with jeans and that sea green hijab covering my head.
"Wow! Your body tone is so perfect, you look incredible without hijab...and what a height you got". Millie says excitedly like I'm the model of her magazines.
" father's genes, right? " Yuri asks. I nod.
But ji-ho is still stuck, "guys! I was asking Fatima for one more thing, ". Getting attention she continues, " perhaps a little touch of makeup? "
My eyes widen, it's not like i don't wear makeup but still in an Institute, where you're supposed to focus on studies, you become an influencer? Weird.
"You're making her miss Universe? "
I chuckle in Millie's statement, she always flutters me more than ji-ho. "Don't you think it'll get a little extra?" I ask.
Ji-ho shakes her head, slightly, "No. Not at all sweety! Just trust me I'll give you a no makeup look. And obviously you should know you're not a school kid anymore"
"Even school kids do more makeup than our Fatima. " Yuri seems to be in good mood today. I think she's accepting me as a part of this group now.
"But... "
"No buts. Don't you trust me? " ji-ho makes an Innocent pout.
How can't I trust someone who stopped eating Haram for me, who always stands for me. Even in front of her friends.
"Ok.. But no heavy makeup! "
They all smile so do I.
....
"Here it's done, " I slightly open my eyes, seeing my reflection in big mirror of bathroom, with all three of them aside me and ji-ho as my makeup artist made me feel so special.
But when I look at myself in the mirror, I smile, the smile that should be appeared when you have beautiful features but they are well defined now.
" What a beauty on earth you're Fatima! I'm jealous... Like who'll hide such perfect features if she has? Millie flutters me again with her teasing tone.
( when Fatima is checking herself in the mirror and busy with having compliments from Millie, Yuri winks at ji-ho and she nods)
Ji-ho says, "makeup is done, wait I forget to apply mascara"
I look at my empty eyes, "oh it's fine, I... Just.. "
"Shh! .. Just stay still and don't argue, "
I like her pouty face when she tries to be dominant. Hard to resist. I let her.
Just when she brought that mascara brush closer to my eye, my eye ball automatically runs in her direction, but before I could process, her hand slipped onto me, spitting the mascara brush on my hijab. Oh no!!
Everyone seems so startled
but it was planned.
Ji-ho quickly braces herself, "oh my god! What have I done? I'm sorry Fatima! " her face is frightened.
I look at her then to my reflection in the mirror, too stunned to say anything, my lips parts in shock, cause the mascara ruined my front side of the hijab completely. That dark stain is looking so bad. And my heart aches to see that.
Is this a punishment of uncovering myself?
Yuri says, "cmon! It's not a big deal, she must have a spare scarf? Right Fatima? ". Her voice which showed softness earlier is now full of mockery.
I shake my head as no.
Millie says, " then take it off, " . I feel like tearing up.
"Oh no no don't cry Fatima! I'm so sorry..Lemme do something, please take off your scarf so I can fold the front side, mmm?" Only ji-ho doesn't judge by her tone. She's a good actress.
I take it off because I'm with girls. Ji-ho takes the scarf from my hands and starts washing it, I untie my hair which was tied in a bun.
Yuri leans forward and brushes her fingers in my hair, then she looks at her short hair in the mirror then back at mine, "you're so lucky, if I had hair like you, I'd never had tied them".
I smile in a little compliment, trying to hide my uncomfortable inner self.
" it's not washing off!.. "Ji-ho complains, I look at the stained scarf, sigh. Because instead of vanishing, it's spreading more. It was a waterproof mascara.
Ji-ho licks her lips as habitual, " I can order scarfs for you but it will take some time. "
"It's okay I... "
"It's 8: 10,girls! Lecture is already started. Let's go" ,Millie says hurriedly.
I feel mmyself at the edge of crying. My heart is beating so fast to even count the beats per second. I gulp my saliva down, in a state with mixed emotions of cry, frightened and betrayed.
"Fatima! First class is important, let's take it, no one is gonna notice you if you walk confidently. After all this isn't a crime. You yourself told me that your Allah is merciful? "
I nod, can't describe my condition to everyone except Allah SWT and I know he knows my intentions weren't bad.
.....
The nervousness flashes over my face when the door of our classroom opens for me. I feel like a professional criminal who's going to take the punishment of hanging, in front of media and press conferences. I'm over thinking again, Ji-ho holds my hand and takes me in, my eyes are lower.
But I feel all eyes on my bare head, my body, I feel naked strange. Each gaze is plaqued and I'm feeling ashamed.
The whole lecture I couldn't focus on anything except my thoughts. My stupid thoughts, an urge to dig myself anywhere for a certain time. At first it felt odd But soon I feel a little relaxed because everyone is behaving normally, in just one sight, they stare at me with admiring eyes and then focus on their works. Instead of judging glares, I faced admiring stares. That was quite intriguing.
.....
While walking in the hallway, I see all stares ; but to my surprise, no one is judging as they whisper.
"Oh god! She's pretty! "
"I thought she was bald! But look at her hair". Two girls discussing in the corner.
" she's Fatima? That covered.. She's gorgeous! "
"I didn't know, she looks this beautiful with her this look"
"Haha at least she looks normal now not that prehistoric
Guys were stunned as well, I didn't make eye contact with them at all.
. At least no one is looking at me with judgemental glares, no one is mocking me. But just admiring me, my heart was still trembling but now coming at relief.
I open my locker, take out my abaya, just then ji-ho comes with a plastic bag, "Fatima! Look your scarves have arrived at the right time, it's a gift from me. ". She hands me that bag.
I smile, " thanks ji-ho. If it weren't you, I don't know what would I be. "
She chuckles, "it means you've forgiven me? "
"Forgiven you??! of what? "
" I stained your hijab and because of me you have to spend your whole day like this".
"I believe what happens It is for good. And you haven't done anything intentionally. " I know she sees me as an inspiration so I should be kind to her.
She smiles. "How was your experience without hijab? "
"It wasn't that bad.. I mean I didn't expect good comments and respectful sights unlike other days".
She pats on my shoulder, " I told you this is not Pakistan, it's Korea. Here people admire beauty and that gown and your modesty, it looks odd. Well reconsider Yuri's words. You can maintain balance if you wear it while leaving home, but here take it off. Neither you will disappoint your parents nor others. "
I nod as this is exactly what I was experiencing.
"Anyway it's time to leave, you can change, before going back home. See ya tomorrow,bye " she waves her hand and goes in the opposite direction.
I look at her going then look at the bag, she is very kind to me, caused she spoiled only my one hijab and now she returned me with a set of hijabs. Which is heart warming. I won't deny that I loved today's experience without any fear, I muttered, "Thanks ji-ho for letting me feel free and alive after such a long time".
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
( without her cover, She thinks she's free. Yes she is free ; for hungry evil sights).
.................
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To all readers!
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Your Nabi 🦋