Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't have these thoughts in my head.
If I didn't feel this fear constantly rushing through me. This fear of living. Of actually enjoying living.
I didn't fear the enjoyment so much as the fall I always eventually felt. Like how freeing flying seemed, only to realize the pain of hitting the ground made it all not worth it.
It is never simple for someone to grow up. But everyone seems to be adjusting to it more skillfully than I am. The human race is meant to endure, and it appears that I am one of the bad apples. Things that seem insignificant to others tend to overwhelm me. I am not able to change who I am on the inside, to make myself into what I need to survive. I am unable to live the life I was created for. Before the cosmos determines that I'm ready, I would remove myself.
These thoughts all race through my mind as I make my way through the grass, the light of the moon lending me not nearly enough assistance.
I attempt to recall the colors he has in hand, but my brain is long-fried. Showing similarities to those old drug commercials.
This is your brain. This is your brain when it's surviving on three hours of sleep and a lifetime of internalized trauma. Any questions?
I hum quietly to myself, providing a small ounce of external stimulation. My eyes scanned the woods in front of me.
My ancestors were hunters and gatherers, a dark forest wouldn't cause their heart rate to spike as much as mine does. And they had many more creatures that were created just to kill.
Here I was looking for a neon light, contemplating if he left the car unlocked. Could I turn around before he realized?
Would I make it to an overpass? End the night and my life early? Escape this place I didn't want to stay in.
I can't see my breath as I breathe out, but it chills my mouth as I take it in. Causing me to cough as it dries my throat.
My hand wraps around a stick in my pocket, rubbing my thumb up and down repeatedly. The smoothness allowed me a moment of grounding.
I highly doubt I'll find him in the remaining ten minutes. I've walked a path in the grass repeatedly. Each step digs a deeper trench into the dying green. As though staying out of the woods I knew he was hidden within would make the time pass quicker.
I kicked at a patch, watching as pieces of it flew into the air. I could hear a howl in the distance and hoped it wouldn't get any louder.
I yearned for the bed I thought I'd be lying in by now. Even his passenger seat was welcoming compared to this. I could sit in it like I used to do when my mom would run errands. Turning the radio up and putting my feet against the dash.
I still hated grocery stores. Food had become less and less appealing as my appetite changed, and the people there always seemed way too keen on making a home in my space.
Hitch never complained though. He'd knock on my apartment door twice, and place the bags on my counter without many words.
A few days prior, he had accessed my freezer and organized a frozen dish on the highest level. He made a face, questioning aloud if it would match the image on the front once I took it out of my oven.
He rarely asked for input on what he'd pick up. Just scoped the fridge and cupboards before leaving, taking count of everything available to me and what I wasn't touching.
He'd very quickly learned I wasn't much of a cook. Or at least I didn't generally put in the work anymore.
Step by step, I kicked at the grass as I strolled in front of the forest's border. A grunt filled the air as my foot connected with a hard object.
Glancing down, I saw Hitch lying on his back, holding a bright green light in his palm. My eyes lift to the sky, landing on a cluster of stars. The closed tightly shut.
"Two minutes to spare. Can't believe it took you that long. I thought I'd gone easy on you." He stood up, wiping grass off of his pants.
"You've earned this." He hands over the light, the liquid inside tilting slightly.
"Oh, yeah, I earned this. I'm sure it took some real skill to find you." I mutter sarcastically, gaze falling back down to the flattened patch of grass in front of me.
His face was somewhat illuminated by the screen as he looked at his watch.
"Are we out of time? Is the game done?" The glowstick was tucked into my back pocket.
"Not quite. It wouldn't be fair to not give me a fighting chance, now would it?" He took some steps backward, his hands slightly outstretched.
"Besides, why waste such a beautiful night? This is a great place to kill time. I can't wait to see what you do." He says while absentmindedly stepping further from me. "Plus, these sticks aren't going to crack themselves. Don't make them go to waste."
My arms crossed over my chest, my head falling back on my neck, my face aiming towards the sky.
"What do you expect me to do? Climb a tree like some fucking monkey? I'm not going to break my leg just for this stupid game.
"I just wrote it down to get you off my back. My whole list is gibberish. I found most of the ideas online."
"Well, that's on you for not taking it seriously enough. I told you how it worked, you chose not to listen." He shrugged, his feet digging into the dirt underneath the grass.
I shake my head. "I thought you'd have given up on it by now." I thought he'd have given up on me by now.
I gave him nothing in return for his giving. I was like a pet cat, without the occasional affection. A being that ate his food, and slept at strange hours. Using emotional claws for him to understand the distance he needed to keep.
My mouth tightens, and I shift my focus elsewhere. "Fine. You want me to play this stupid game? I'll play along. Close your eyes, turn around, do whatever you need to do."
"That's more like it. Love the enthusiasm. Fifty seconds on the clock. I'll see you again soon." He turns his back to me, humming under his breath.
"Hey, don't hide too well." He turns his head and grins, and when my eyes fling up to his, he winks.
He looks away from me once more, and I watch as his hands encircle his elbows.
"You know you can be a real asshole?"
"I've already started counting." He called out, his face still away from mine.
I grumbled to myself, stepping on foot into the wooded area. "If I die, it's on you."
"It already would've been" I can hear the smile in his voice.
I'm not trying to focus on the risk as a branch breaks under my foot. If I don't find a spot soon, he'll surely hear all the steps I take. My feet are heavy on the dirt.
I crack a random glowstick, watching the green light illuminate my feet. My eyes refuse to leave the ground, careful for holes and tree roots.
The air is quiet save for my steps, making them ever the more noticeable to anyone on the search for me.
I scan for tall trees and deep trenches. Refusing to allow him to show a smug smirk as he towers over me.
I've never been overly competitive, but he brings out the worst in me. A person I don't recognize and would prefer never to meet on the street.
She seems meaner, angrier, more frustrated with life than exhausted. She hasn't broken yet, but there are cracks in her. Unable to contain the deep feelings that rush within.
Squeezing my eyes shut tight, I shake the feelings off and try to go back to my search. But I'm getting nowhere as I begin to hear Hitch's voice call out numbers. All he wants to do is hear his voice, taunting me from the field.
It sounds like a song, the chorus repetitive and shallow. The meaning is easily lost behind the idiocy of the lyrics.
It makes me want to itch at my skin. To rid myself of the annoyance he causes me.
"I'm giving you ten extra seconds!" His voice calls out, as though he were granting me a favor. It sounds distant, but not nearly far enough away to warrant my safety. It would be an easy chase for him.
"Fucking prick." I groaned quietly to myself. He was far out of sight, but I could still picture his grin every time I closed my eyes. It wasn't something he did often, but when he did it felt all the more unnatural.
"This is going to be easy. I can still hear your footsteps." His voice was taunting. A threat I wasn't sure was true or not. "This is much easier a task than bungee jumping. Thank you for that." He didn't sound as though he were moving, but surely the time was up by now.
"Have you settled on a spot yet?" He asked, still no sound of movement. "I'd like to make it a full game if possible." I wondered how he sounded in his mind. If he thought he was the hero of his own story, or simply the villain in mine.
"Eaven." He called out. I heard his voice become slightly louder as it eased closer. A twig snapped as he stepped into the wooded area. "Don't tell me you've gone silent on me. I'm getting lonely here." His voice sounds sharp. "Who am I supposed to finish the list with if you've gone and abandoned me?"
I lay my back against a tree, the green in my hand partially obscured by my sleeve. My frame was by no means tiny, but the rough-barked tree was thick and tall enough to fully cover me. I heard his steps travel away from me, and I watched the green reflect off of the white of my sweatshirt.
"I'm flattered you're trying here." Hitch laughed, his feet heavy against the ground. It was the only sound I could hear in the quiet night air. The woods were wide, easily keeping a distance between us.
As I heard him walk to my left, I carefully took the sleeve of my sweatshirt in my hand, slowly slipping the fabric off of my arm. My feet froze to the ground, the bark of the tree scratching against my hand.
"Where are you hiding? Do you want to give me a hint?" I could picture his eyebrows moving above his eyes, wiggling slightly with his words. A constant need to poke at anything I choose to expose to him. He focuses on me rather than choosing to look inward at himself.
I slip the other sleeve off of my right arm, both appendages now wrapped in fabric. The softness feels nice, but I know the light fabric will give me away. My grey sweater won't be much better, but it will be an improvement.
"Are you ready to give up?" I hear him grab onto a bush, the leaves rustling close to my ear. If he looked slightly to his right he had a good chance at seeing the green glow on the ground. The glowstick dropped while I struggled with the cloth.
My body froze, my torso wrapped in a cocoon of white. I saw his navy blue sneaker in the dirt. Could hear him muttering to himself. He looked to his left, running his hand through his hair. A deep breath filled his lungs.
The fear I felt inside was mixed with a tinge of excitement. The idea that I was so close to being discovered, but was not necessarily in any true danger. I shuffled my foot slightly to cover the glow partially.
A twig snapped underneath me, and my heart ceased to beat. Swallowing saliva my eyes widened to his frozen image. His eyes scanned behind him. Unable to discern the true direction of the sound.
Expletives filled my mind as I watched his footsteps travel in a diagonal direction. Both away and towards me. I lost sight of him but could hear his every slow step. His breathing was now silent compared to my own.
"It's not very nice to hide from your guest at a party." The voice was further now, but still too close for comfort. "Hello!" He called out into the night, the sound echoing through the empty air. As though he were trying to use echolocation.
I crossed my arms underneath the sweatshirt, not budging from my spot behind the tree. I didn't invite him. A wooded night is no place for a party. He was not a guest, if anything he was a crasher.
I slowly slipped the white over my eyes, as the sound of him disappeared into the night. Possibly traveling into the grass. My foot rolled the glowstick repeatedly underneath it. Arms attempting to free themselves noiselessly.
"I guess I'll just go home. Too bad, I was looking forward to splitting one of those cheap gas station pastries on the way back." His voice held me up, causing me to freeze with the fabric still over my face. Like a blinding straight-jacket.
I tried to listen to his footsteps. Still in the silent night. The darkness not providing me with any more clarity. My senses jumbled together, and my breathing echoed back to me against the cotton.
I shimmied slightly, moving as though in molasses. Or rather as though I were a victim of a flood of it. My throat attempting to keep my breath hostage. My heart knocking against my ribs like a raven against a door at night. Driving me deeper into dark insanity.
Damn him for making me feel fear again. Fear for myself. Even in this ridiculous way, I wasn't thinking about anything except him discovering me behind this tree. All other thoughts were gone with the daytime noise.
It would be a crime to allow him to find me. Inhumane to me to give away my location. My elbows spread wider against the fabric. Everything would be fine. He's nowhere near me at this moment. His irritating voice no longer hits the air.
I couldn't hear him at all. My glasses rubbed against the cotton as I struggled to remove the mask. My heart leaped as I heard him once more. "Am I getting under your skin? Couldn't handle the pressure?"
I jumped up, the back of my head hitting against the tree's trunk. I pulled the rest of my sweatshirt off, his grin being revealed along with the starry night.
In an instant, he reduced the distance between us. My shoulders smacked on the bark as I just about shuffled backward. He bent down, one arm braced above me, reducing those few inches separating us to a breath. My throat tightened as I inhaled. He whispered two words into my ear, his voice low: "Found you."
He leaned fully down, picking up the green glow off of the ground. He dusted some dirt off of it, slipping it into his back pocket. He held his hand out and I passed my sweatshirt into it. No further words passed between us.
An involuntary shudder rippled down my spine, but before I had time to process it, he had stepped aside, leaving me dazed and breathless against the tree trunk. Making his way to the grass, as I followed quietly behind him.
It all seemed so simple for him, his feet were silent as he walked. As though he manages to miss all the branches that blend so easily into the dirt. His steps were smooth and calculated. Always a step ahead of mine.
It was an easy comparison to the first day I met him. How he moved like a predator through the wilderness. Stalking his prey silently. His coat becomes one with the environment. And I had no means to protect myself.
"Was that all a game to you?" I practically whispered, getting the words out as fast as possible. Two eyes laid themselves upon me, tracking my every movement as I made my way out of the woods.
"That's the point, is it not?" He folds my sweatshirt up, placing it in a patch of grass behind him. The blades blocked the white from view more than I ever could. "It's a game. It's meant to be won. And to be lost.
"Oh gosh, should I have waited longer to find you?" He exclaimed, heavily implying that he knew where I was the entire time. Which he had. But I didn't need reassurance of that. I preferred being blissfully ignorant.
"That's terrific," I said, ignoring the heat spreading up my neck. "I'm so honored you thought I was worthy of your lies." I stuck my hands in my back pockets, my hand rubbing against the glowsticks.
"Congratulations." He offered me a polite but warm smile that was so different from the cheeky grin he usually spared for me, I stared at him just to make sure he was the same person.
I didn't feel truly special. I felt conflicted. I couldn't read him. I never could. His words could mean anything behind that face. Delaying the inevitable seemed like his favorite pastime, as though he enjoyed the long game over a quick win.
"You promise you've never played this?" He narrowed his eyes at me as he placed his hands on the back of his neck, stretching his back out slightly. "For a solid two minutes, I genuinely thought you'd found a good spot.
"Of course, I'm no expert on the game either, so in theory, we should be evenly matched." He replied to himself. As though he knew I wouldn't respond, and just needed to fill the empty spaces with his very being.
"We'll consider those practice rounds if it makes you feel any better." He tsk-ed, the glowstick twirling in his hand, passing from finger to finger. Spinning like a drummer might do at a show. Filling time with tricks.
"A challenge would be nice." He scratched his chin and pulled out his phone. "I figure we can get a few more rounds done in an hour if we shorten the search time. Say, ten minutes for me, and however long it takes you to give up for you?
"Maybe thirty minutes?" He replied to himself, taking a seat in the grass. "I'll even let you go again right now, we can get it over with faster that way." His eyes watched the light of the glowstick as he continuously moved it in his hand.
I practically sprinted into the woods, quick to lose the sound of his voice ringing in my ears. The taunting was becoming tiring. Adrenaline still pumped through my system, and I knew I just needed to move. I would stop his pestering any means necessary.
I settled myself near a bush, the branches scratching against my revealed skin. It might leave marks later, but at this moment I couldn't find the energy to care.
I crouched down low as I heard twigs crack near my ear. It was clear he had followed my lead and started his search early. I fished into my pocket quietly, cracking a stick and watching blue light slowly fill it.
I tucked it into my front pocket, the slightest sliver of light peeking out of the top. The steps came from behind me, breathing heavily and footfalls equally so. An attempt at mockery once more.
The branches scratched me more as I crouched lower into the leaves. The slight noise was disguised by his ever-increasing confidence. He said no words, and that seemed to be the method he was going with now.
A pressure was pushed on me by the unknown. Knowing where he was at all times, as he hoped for me to slip underneath the weight of it all. For it to get too much, and I falter. For my legs to give underneath me and he can find me stained with dirt and failure.
That wasn't how I was going to fall though. If I was going to be taken down, it would be fairly. And he would have to earn the reward. Just as he's making me earn the right to die. An eye for an eye, and then we can both walk around whatever comes after this blindly.
A sense of calm fell onto me as I heard his steps fall away, his deep breath traveling farther to my left. Making his way away from me. His feet seemed to fall on every twig he could find. So unlike how he usually moves.
I start to wonder if the show has been going on since we entered the field. If he attempted to make my walls fall as easily as his feet found those holes. The unnaturalness of every step he took.
It was a realization of how much I knew about him just by watching him, yet I was still so illiterate to his very being. How I was never quite sure about the madness his method contained. And I wasn't sure I ever would.
A distant sound pulled me out of my thoughts, the footsteps stopping in front of my hiding spot. Still too far for me to feel threatened by them. If it weren't for the singular sound that now made its home in my blood.
A sound that wasn't entirely recognizable to me until it was followed by another. Finishing the narrative.
The cock of a shotgun, followed by a shot ringing through the air.