A/N
Liam Payne without the L.
**
Harry didn't mean to say it. He'd actually settled on not saying anything and hoping it would just go away.
It was painful knowing in two weeks he would be leaving this life behind. The one he created with Louis. If Louis would have him, Harry would try for long distance. But the fact it had almost been a year and there was no labels made Harry doubt.
It was a Saturday. Late afternoon. Harry had let himself in to Louis' place, Lottie being out with friends and the younger girls at their Grandparents. His mother was working and Harry was looking forward to just spending the sunny day laying in bed with Louis. Maybe even, if Harry was being delusional, which he was, Louis might say those words Harry's been dying to hear.
"Hello there." Louis rolls onto his side, laying on top of his messy white bed sheet, his golden skin glowing like an actual God. Harry didn't belive he was real. Everytime he moved his muscles rippeled and Harry wanted to vomit rainbows and glitter because he was so in love it made him feel sick
Louis had no right to make him feel this way.
"Hey." Harry greeted, closing the door behind him and leaning on it coyly, glancing at Louis' laptop that was open. "Watcha doing?"
"Hopefully you. Soon." Harry grinned and walked over, flopping on top of Louis and hugging his back, his hands curled into fists on Louis' chest. He kisses Louis' shoulder and inhaled.
He smelt like strawberries and sweat.
Harry was in love.
"Hopefully." He mutters and eyes Louis' laptop screen. "Manchester? I though you were taking a gap year?"
"Yeah but I need to understand what they want on the application form, so I can work on it, you know? Also I want to do a course in something I just don't know what."
Harry hummed and traced his finger on Louis' shoulder blade, his fingertips dancing on the golden ocean of Louis' skin. He ran it down Louis' side and Louis froze. Harry paused, his finger in the dip of Louis' waist.
"Don't stop." Louis breathed and Harry traced it back up. Louis' muscles un tensed. Harry leaned in and kissed the back of him neck, placing his lips gently up, his hand holding Louis' side. Louis sighs contently and pushes back against Harry. Harry smiled to himself and swung his leg over Louis, clinging on to him and holding him close. Maybe if he refused to let go Louis would never leave him
Louis shut his laptop and rolled over to face Harry, his arm slithering up to run his fingers through Harry's hair. "You're so beautiful." He whispers and kisses Harry gently. Harry moans into his lips and Louis tugs his curls lightly.
They break apart eventually, Louis rubbing his finger over a fading hickey under Harry's collar. Harry watches Louis' eyes as he does it. Harry wonders if they're an entrance to the heavens. If Harry was to go to heaven that's the way he wanted to go.
"Have you applied to any university's yet?" Louis lays his head on the pillow and stares into Harry's soul. Harry swallows and looks away. He doesn't want to lie but he doesn't want this to end. He meets in the middle.
"Yeah." He mutters. Louis raises his eyebrows.
"Oh? Where?" He grins, "You're so smart you'd probably get into Oxford." Harry blushes and shrugs.
"I don't know. Around. I'm studying the arts, a vast variety," He draws invisible strings over Louis' chest and Louis follows his finger with his eyes. "Mostly writing and poetry though." Louis hums quietly and pulls Harry in by the waist.
"I don't want you to go." He breaths, "Can you stay tonight? Please?" Harry's stomach flips. Was there some kind of meaning to that he couldn't read? Something he needed to figure out? Something Louis was trying to tell him through eye contact and body language and tone?
"Yeah. I can stay. I don't want to go either."
Louis kissed him delicately, "Good."
They lay in bed for the next few hours, for a while just making out lazily in the golden sunlight, for a while just playing with each others hands in the air in front of them.
They walked downstairs after a bit, Louis fitting into Harry's side like a puzzle, his hand around the taller ones waist. They made Mac and Cheese in the late afternoon and Lottie came home, kissing Harry on the cheek before punching Louis' arm and running upstairs, saying she was staying over at her friend Julies. Louis grinned.
"You know what that means." He leaned over and kissed Harry's ear, "Let's get drunk."
Three hours and many Mac and Cheese packets later, they lay on the carpet of Louis' hallway, staring at the ceiling. Louis doesn't say much, his hand beside the empty beer bottle on the ground. Harry tries to swallow the feeling of sadness that's creeping in. Louis doesn't seem to pay attention.
"Do you think..." He blinks, "Do you think you'll stay with me forever, Haz?" He whispers, eyes darting around the ceiling. Harry's brain feels fuzzy. He wants to giggle. He's had one to many drinks he thinks.
"What do you mean?"
"Like this. With me."
"Like..." Harry's head spins, "Kissy friends?" Louis' voice sounds like he's smiling.
"Yeah. Kissy friends, H." Harry nods even though Louis isn't looking at him. His eyes feel droopy.
"Of course I will." He mumbles. "America can wait."
"America?"
Harry's mouth clamps shut like a clam. His heart cracks just a little. He wants Louis to pull out a wrench, wedge it in and rip it in two. Get it over and done with.
"Um." Harry's mouth feels dry. He blinks the clouds away. "Yeah. I'm going to America. For university."
Louis sits up. Suddenly Harry feels more sober. He sits up onto his knees. Louis stares at him, his eyes a mixture between hurt, anger and regret. Harry doesn't want to pick it apart but of course, his stupid brain does it without a command.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Louis whispers, his voice hollow. Harry's chest suddenly feels empty, his heart stopped.
"I..." Harry shakes his head, "I-"
"How long have you known?" Louis interrupts.
"About a month and a half."
"What?!" Louis exclaims and struggles to stand, Harry follows slowly.
"I'm sorry." He stares at his feet, not darling to look up. He couldn't bare it. "I wanted to tell you so bad, you don't understand how hard it's been." Louis sighs and Harry looks up. Mistake. Louis has tears running down his face.
"I can't believe you're..." He runs his fingers through his hair, "I can't believe you let me f..." He looks away from Harry. "I'm sorry Haz. I need to be alone." Harry bites his lip.
Fuck he was so stupid.
"You'll call me?" He says so softly he's surprised Louis heard. Louis nods.
"Yeah." His voice is bland. Harry is breaking apart inside. "Maybe." Harry decides that's the best he's going to get, hurrying down the stairs and to the front door, running out into the fresh air.
He runs, his vision blurring with tears and it hurts so bad his body feels like it's ripping in two. He reaches for his phone, collapsing on a corner of a street a few blocks from Louis' he rings his sister.
"Gem? Can you come pick me up?" He sobs, "Please. I need you."
**
"Do you think some animals know they can't fly?" Louis' voice whispers, his hand tracing the lines on Harry's palm, trees rustling nearby. Water lapped at their feet.
"What?" Harry laughed.
"Like," Louis wet his lips, "Do you think a rabbit sees a bird and thinks, I can't do that."
"I don't think they're that complex to be honest."
"That's sad."
Harry hums a yes in response and Louis slides his fingers in between Harry's, locking them together. The lake is empty in autumn. Harry liked to come here when no one else was around. It calmed him. But so did seeing Louis. So why not do both?
"What are you thinking about?" Louis' voice interrupts his thoughts. Harry tilts his head in question. Louis laughs, "I don't know where you go when you think. Sometimes, you get this dreamy look in your eyes and you drift away. What do you think about?"
"It's really not that exciting."
"I don't care." Harry glares at him before they both break into a smile.
"I don't know. This. You. The lake. All of the above." Louis' ears turn red and he looks down at their hands. Harry shifts his arm so he's laying more comfortably and watches Louis. "What are you thinking about?" Louis looks up at him. Harry feels like this moment should be in black and white, on a billboard somewhere. The front cover of a movie or something.
"You." Louis whispers and Harry can't seem to find a reason to be sad. And he usually can.
"Oh?" His face heats up, Louis leans in and nudges their noses together, kissing him innocently. There's nothing else to it. It's just a kiss. "Oh." Louis smiles at him.
Then it fades away into a memory and Harry is alone in his bed, watching it rain in the middle of summer.
The argument resolved with time, as they often did. Their was a certain sadness to them now, like an army was on their horizon and they were preparing for war.
Over the week it gets easier. But the date is getting closer and closer and now Louis knows the weight only seems heavier.
They don't discuss it. They honestly act like normal, or try to, but there's a storm waiting for them and they're stranded, no way out.
Harry thinks it's fine when Louis texts him, saying he has a movie to watch, if Harry wanted to with him. Harry agreed and Louis came over in the early afternoon. They ended up laying on the couch together, Louis' arm slung around Harry as they watched silly little men so their silly little war stuff on Harry's TV.
Harry exhaled slightly through his nose, it must have felt warm against Louis' neck. Harry thinks the butterflies in his stomach are lonely but then Louis inhales shakily and Harry glances up to see him biting his lip.
"You okay there?" Harry asks in a quiet voice. Louis nods but Harry can see his eyes flickering around the room anxiously. Then he looks down at Harry and suddenly his fingertips drag up his arm and leave goosebumps behind.
The movies gone silent, like it was never on.
Harry forgets his name.
He shifts up and they lock eyes. Louis swallows and Harry's eyes follow it down. Louis' hand rests on Harry's jaw. They both breathe heavily against each others lips. Then Louis whispers something that breaks the silence. And Harry's confidence.
"What are we doing?"
Harry's head drops. Then a flare of anger rips through him. His heart beats faster.
"What are we doing? What are you doing?" He pushes away, his voice breaks, "You can't keep toying with my heart Louis. It doesn't work like that."
Louis sits up and rubs his hand over his face. "I don't know what you want from me, Harry."
"I want you to love me!"
Louis stares at Harry in shock. He looks pale. Then he looks away.
"You're leaving Harry. For years."
Harry takes Louis' hands into his. "We can figure it out. Together." He whispers, thumbs dragging across his knuckles. Louis watches their intertwined fingers for a moment, feeling Harry's fingerprints.
Then he shakes his head slowly and looks up with tears in his eyes. "I can't." He whispers, "I can't love you like you want me to."
"Please," Harry begs, "Please Louis, we can make it work." He sobs, "Please."
Louis untangles their fingers and stands from the couch. "I would rather say I love you now and leave then see you heartbroken when I can't love you properly later." He stares at Harry as if looking at a piece of art, knowing it will burn away soon. "I love you."
Harry wants to beg and plead but the only thing that comes out of his throat are sobs, heart broken, heart shattering, will breaking sobs.
Then Louis walks out the door, leaving Harry wilting away on the couch, a flower that lost it's sun.
**
Harry's final few days in Doncaster were hollow. He drifted around like a ghost without anybody to haunt. There seemed to be no meaning to life at all. Not only had he lost the love of his life, but he'd lost his best friend too. He wasn't sure which part hurt more.
He had to get out of here. Everything reminded him of Louis. The football field, the school, the paths, the houses, the trees, the clouds, the sun. Oxygen. He couldn't seem to escape.
School seemed meaningless now, and Harry and Louis avoided each other like the plague. Harry allowed his heart to hurt. Because it had never stopped hurting since the day he new he liked Louis, why was now any different?
He hadn't gotten a proper sleep in weeks. Every time he closed his eyes he only saw Louis. He tossed and turned through the night and woke up looking like he'd been resurrected from the dead.
The morning of Harry leaving for America was warm. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue. It reminded Harry of those eyes.
Would he miss Doncaster? Or would he miss the boy who was still there?
Harry knew Louis would get into Manchester someday. He was sure that one day he would turn on the TV and see Louis playing football like he'd always wished to. But it sent cracks through Harry's heart to think he wouldn't be there to cheer his boy on because he didn't want Harry. He couldn't love Harry. Or maybe he just didn't think Harry was worthy of love.
Maybe he wasn't.
Harry trudged downstairs with his suitcase. All his boxes of things had been sent away a few weeks ago and he only had his suitcase to take on the plane. He couldn't bare to look at the couch in his living room anymore. It sent spikes of pain into his chest and sent his brain into a spiral all over again.
He walked down the front porch and threw the suitcase in the car. He ran his fingers through his curls and sighed. He'd made an effort to look good today. It was his first time going out since about a month. A voice cleared their throat from behind him.
"Hey." They said. "Are you going?"
Harry closed his eyes. He couldn't bare to turn around and look him in the eye. "Yeah." he whispered.
"Oh." Harry could tell Louis was staring at his feet. "Mum wanted me to come and..." He exhaled. "Um, say goodbye for her. She said she'll miss you."
"You know she can still talk to me." Harry shoves his hands in his pockets. "I'm not dying. I'm just going to university. I have a phone."
"Yeah," Louis sniffs, "But, um, I think she's worried you won't reply and you'll... forget. About her."
Okay. So they definitely weren't talking about Louis' mum.
"We could've talked." Harry whispered, his vision blurring with tears, he looks up at that sky and blinks them away, but one escapes. "Instead of arguing."
"I know." Louis' voice is quiet. Soft. Harry wants to turn around and run into his arms. But he can't. "I know, Haz..." Louis takes a step forward. "I, um, I want you to know..." He sighs. "It wasn't just something stupid. To me. I really wanted you."
Harry's lip quivered and a tear dropped onto his jacket. How could Louis stand there and talk about this and not expect Harry to breakdown into nothing?
"Please." He whispered, "Don't say it again." He inhales shakily. "If you say it again I can't cope and I'll never leave this place and we'll destroy each other."
"What..." Louis' voice cracks, "What do you mean?"
Harry finally turns around. Louis looks so small in his green hoodie and sweatpants. His eyes are red. Harry wants to cease to exist.
"Because, Louis, you know us! You said it yourself, I'm too needy, you'd get bored. I want to travel and explore my writing and you want to stay somewhere and make a home. I can't do that right now." Louis' staring at him in shock.
"Harry. I never said that, I love everything about you." Harry sobs and falls back against the car, his insides breaking slowly. "Baby..." Louis whispers and steps forward to comfort Harry but Harry puts his hand out to stop him.
"No. Don't." Harry swallows, "If you come any closer I'll hold on and never let you go and we can't do that. You said it yourself."
"Yeah? Well now I want you." Louis said, his voice firm. He stands taller. "We can make it work and we can-"
"For fucks sake Louis!" Harry yells suddenly, "We can't! It's not like I'm in the next town and we can take trips to each others on the weekend! I'm in another fucking country!" Harry inhales slowly, "Louis." He says in a more controlled manner, "I love you. And I have since I was fourteen years old. I'm so in love with you it's physically painful and I can feel it in my chest every time I see you or something that reminds me of you and it fucking kills me that I can't be with you but you're going to get sick of me so fast."
Louis' eyes soften, but Harry keeps talking, "You'll get bored when I'm away and you'll meet someone else and slowly you'll stop calling and stop texting and you'll forget all about me and get married and live happily ever after. I was never designed for love, okay? I'm too clingy and needy and I need you to tell me you love me all the time just so I might Be able to convince myself that there's a possibility you still want to be with me because I'm so broken."
They both stand in silence and Louis looks down at his shoes. "You're not broken Harry. You're hurt."
Harry blinks away tears, "It's the kind of broken I have to fix myself. I'm not blind Louis, I'm just..." He sighs. "I can't do this. I'm sorry."
He turns and walks back into his house.
Louis can only stand there, watching the place where Harry stood.
The last time he would see him for three years.
**
A/N
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