" Sometimes what we hide from others is to protect them as well as ourselves." ~ Laughing Wolf
Katsuki sits in his bed with eyes blown wide, his breathing still fast and unsteady. His heart is beating so hard it echos through his ears while he stares at the silhouette kneeling by his bedside.
The room is mostly dark, all but the dim light of the TV on the other side of the room but knows someone is there. At least he thinks he does, he's unsure at this point if it's just another part of a shitty nightmare, one he's had before, one where he can hear a voice he'd know anywhere and see green eyes that both comfort and set him on fire all at once only to have that figure disappear from his grasp as soon as he reaches for it.
The figure is perfectly still, unmoving as the blonde hero tries desperately to calm his breathing. He almost starts to think maybe he's still dreaming until there's a soft voice breaking both thoughts and wonder.
" K-Kacchan are.. are you ok?"
The voice and the question hit Katsuki like a train making his insides instantly twist. He feels sick, like everything he's ever eaten in his life is about to come up.
That voice, or rather the owner of that voice is someone he never wanted to witness this. He never wanted those deep seas of green to see him in such a weakened state. Never wanted to see pity or pain in those eyes because of this.
Walls of defense suddenly come slamming down around him as he pulls himself to sit on the end of his bed, a broad back to those green eyes.
He clears his raw aching throat speaking low in the dark with elbows resting on his thighs running large hands through damp from sweat blonde spikes.
" What.. what are you doing here Deku?"
Something in Izuku's heart aches deeply with the tone, one that sounds broken, embarrassed and ashamed. He fights the lump in his throat as he answers.
" I.. I was at mom's for dinner. I decided to walk home and when I passed the house...."
He pauses knowing this is probably not going to go over well, he can already hear it, sense it but he continues.
" Well.. your window was open and .. I.."
The blonde finishes for him with a bitter scoff.
"And you heard my shit show huh."
Izuku swallows the lump still burning as he remembers the painful cries from minutes ago.
He's getting ready to answer when the blonde speaks again.
" How much did you hear?"
The question is futile though because it doesn't matter how much he heard, even one broken scream was one too many he thinks.
Izuku fights to find the right words, words that won't push this prideful blonde away.
"I'm.. I'm not sure. Enough to know it was pretty intense for you.", he says gently.
Katsuki chuckles bitterly.
" Yeah, you could say that. But that doesn't explain why you're here, especially when the way back to your place in the opposite direction of this house."
Izuku feels like he's been caught red-handed, because that's true, there was no need for him to be near Katsuki's house if he was only walking home, in fact it would be out of his way.
" I.. I guess I just wanted to take a walk around our old neighborhood for a while. Lots of memories here. When I heard you I just... wanted to be sure you were ok.
The blonde remains silent as he thinks about the response.
There were lots of memories here. Childhood ones where he and Izuku were inseparable as brats, always hand in hand running off some place to play or explore with talks of hero's and quirks. There was middle school and bitter memories of a cocky clueless smart ass kid who had hurt the one he cared for before he learned his lesson the hard way. There was high school the rebuilding of friendship that turned into love which turned into holding hands down these very sidewalks when they walked into their parent's houses to announce they were dating ...finally. Now for some reason those memories hurt.
The greenett breaks his thoughts.
" Are.. are they always that bad? Do you get them often?"
The question makes the blonde visibly cringe. He wants to lie, say this is the first in a long time, say that it isn't as bad as they seem but lying to Izuku was never easy and something he had said he wouldn't do.
Large shoulders shrug as he avoids the question that screams the real answer.
" It was just a shitty nightmare Deku. I'm fine."
Yes, told himself he wouldn't do it, told Izuku he would never lie to him while they were still together, and yet here he is, another promise he couldn't keep, like when he promised green eyes he'd always be there, never leave him and always love him.
Tho that last promise is one he still holds and one that still rings true from the deepest corners of a broken heart.
Izuku moves a little closer from his spot on the floor, moving slowly like he doesn't want to scare off a frightened wounded animal.
"Are you sure? You.. you don't really seem fine. That sounded bad, it's ok if you aren't fine."
The blonde tenses hearing traces of pity in that voice.
" I'm fine."
He almost follows it with the words I'm use to it but that would mean giving away the fact that this is a normal thing for him.
Izuku studies that large back in the dark he can tell by Katsuki's posture and the way he sits with his head down and his shoulders slumped that it's a lie. He shifts back a little reaching for the lamp but before he can switch it on so he can see the blonde better Katsuki speaks up.
" Don't. Leave it off."
He would beg those words if he had to, beg them so green eyes don't see the mess this makes him, green eyes who use to be in awe of how strong he was. But it's not only that, he would beg them to spare pain in green eyes that even in the dark he knows is there.
The greenett moves his hand away slowly doing as the blonde wants even as it causes the ache inside to grow. He makes another move to get closer but stops from getting too far not wanting to upset the explosive hero.
" Do.. do you want to talk about it?", he questions almost at a whisper.
Katsuki chuckles though it's not from humor.
" No Deku, I don't want to talk about it, or think about it, or have you deal with it."
" I don't mind.. I would really like the chance to try and be there for you in any way that you allow. I always wanted that."
The words are sweet and gentle but also laced with hurt, the hurt that Katsuki knows is there from when he pushed Izuku away the first time right after the war. They feel like razors to his skin.
Everything is causing a storm to brew in his chest, one he can't control. He's never been good with his emotions. Tonight's nightmare paired with his feelings for Izuku and everything that lies between them so heavily is making him anxious.
Izuku reluctantly reaches out, his fingers moving in the dim light ready to grip the blonde's tshirt but as if Katsuki could sense it he stands up abruptly walking to the other side of the room.
Green eyes watch in the dark. Katsuki always seems to be just out of his reach, so close yet worlds away still and it brings tears to emerald eyes.
Katsuki runs a hand through his hair then leans back on his wall with arms crossed far enough away so green eyes can't see the pain and fear in crimson ones.
" It's late, you should be home. Won't boy wonder be wondering where the fuck you are? I would be, probably would have gone looking for you by now if it was me, but it's not me."
The words are bitter and cause pain to hit both chest like a boomerang with barbed wires that bounces off one and hits the other only to circle back around to cause the same damage.
Izuku fights the sting in his chest as a hit of anger hits his system, he speaks up clearly and matter of fact.
"He and I don't live together and Dash doesn't own me, he doesn't get to tell me what I can and can't do or how long I should be doing something."
The blonde wants to smirk, it almost comes to his features and if had been another time he probably would because he wants to tell the greenett still knelt by his bed that he use to own him, that without even trying Izuku was his completely, that with just a look in crimson eyes or a low whisper, just a slight glance of cut eyes or the touch of a warm rough hand Izuku Midoriya was his, would always fold under any and all of those things, but truth was green eyes held the same power even if the hero by the bed was clueless to it.
Words are suddenly spoken that slam into Katsuki's mind and cause a broken heart to break further.
" Besides it.. it was you until.. until you.."
He doesn't get to finish before tears are down the blonde's face and regret, pain and anger take over.
" Before I fucked things up?? Before I broke your damn heart and mine and took off? Before I pushed you away because I was a goddamn mess and obviously still am?? Trust me Deku I know I don't need you to remind me, I think about it every fucking day."
His voice is breaking, cracking under the emotional upheaval he is seconds from having. There's tears in those green eyes across the room and he knows it and hates himself for it.
Izuku stands quickly now, his own tears running down fair skin.
" Kacchan.. that's.. that's not what I meant! It.. it didn't come out right! I .. I just..."
He tries to step closer but before he can get near the blonde hero puts his hand up to stop him.
" Izuku, just .. just please go ok? I'm.. I'm alright and I'm sorry .. I just can't do this right now."
The greenett feels almost panicked not wanting to leave yet. He takes another step, that elusive blonde hero almost in his grasp again.
" But..but Kacchan.. "
He watches Katsuki take another step back.
" Deku, enough. Please.. just get out. Please."
He's honestly afraid he's going to break into a damn sob, his brain is screaming for the greenett to go before his resolve to hold back his emotions breaks completely and he turns into a broken pile.
Izukus's heart is breaking, he wants to take the last few steps and lunge himself into the strong arms that use to hold him in a way no one else ever will. This is not what he wanted, not the way he wanted this to go but he can tell by the tone he can't push this any further tonight or Katsuki's temper is going to lash out. He takes a trembling step back then another then when he reaches the door its the blonde who almost feels panicked enough to reach out and snatch him back, scared that if he doesn't he may not see green eyes again. But he fights it, pride keeping him plated right where he is.
The greenett turns his back now to the blonde, he opens the door but pauses.
There's so much he wants to say, to scream to cry until it sinks into the explosive hero's brain that he's not alone or doesn't have to be. He even opens his mouth to speak but the words fall dead on his tongue knowing tonight is not the night. So he says nothing only exits in complete silence closing the door behind him.
That silence had the power of a thousand screams as Katsuki grabs a water glass from his dresser and throws it across the room shattering it like the heart he holds in his chest.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!", he breaks into a tearful cry as he backs up an slides down his wall tears down his face.
He pulls his knees up resting his forehead on them while he breaks, breaks at the nightmares and the weakness he feels, breaks at not letting green eyes near him even though he desperately wanted to, breaks at the loss of the only one he's ever loved knowing he's the one who caused the fracture. He breaks because the thing that made him whole just walked out with a broken heart and he couldn't get it together enough to stop him, to let him stay, to let him in. Alone in his room, he breaks.
But what he doesn't know is right outside his bedroom window sits a green-eyed hero who had used his quirk quietly to launch himself to porch roof where he stays hidden from view leaning against the house where he can hear every broken curse and cry.
His heart aches in a way that makes him feel like it might break his chest open as he puts his hand over his mouth to muffle his own sobs at the sounds from the bedroom.
On a childhood street that holds so many memories two heroes silently break just out of each other's grasp.
A/N
This is an emotional one. But there's beauty in pain and rebuildings.
Our tale continues ♡