Angst and fluff btw
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This flickering moment (I feel it ,do you feel it too?)
icedwhitemochalatte
Summary:
Jongseong slips into the rackety plastic seat in front of him lovesick expression on his face and a dreamy sigh on his lips, mumbling something that Jungwon doesn't quite catch; something along the lines of "Jungwon-ah, I think I might have a crush ."
Jungwon was having a great day.
-
Or: Jay harbours crushes on people easily.
(Jungwon pretends as if it doesn't bother him.)
Notes:
Hii , Welcome to the first chapter of the journey of two EXTREMELY oblivious pining idiots ;) please forgive jungwon... I promise he gets better by the end of this fic
1) this is a reposted work , but it is mine- the previous one had quite a few inaccuracies in it
2) This fic in particular is set two years after Enhypens debut, one year from now. This is mostly because Jungwon becoming an adult is quite big as a plot device and the legal age in Korea is 19 .
3) Theres a brief mention of alcohol but really it doesnt affect anything at all. Except one very sweet hug.
4) I have no beta reader and english is not my first language , if you do find any mistakes or errors please feel free to message me on twitter
Thank you so much for coming here, I hope you're all healthy and safe, please enjoy reading this little baby of mine!
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Work Text:
Jungwon was going to have a great day.
He woke up before his alarm which meant he had more time to enjoy his morning coffee in the peaceful quietness of the dorms before his teammates woke up. It meant he was ready to match Sunoo's bright energy first thing in the morning. It meant he had Jake and Ni-ki's cereal ready as they woke up (Ni-ki's bowl; soggy and microwaved for 30 seconds because the child is a monster), happy to help his members start their mornings on a good note. It meant he was infinitely more ready to deal with an especially irritable just-woken-up Heesung that morning.
His happy energy seeped into his members and overall, the atmosphere was pleasant despite the morning onslaught that comes with living a life where schedules exclusively start at 5 AM.
The three maknaes are efficient and relaxed that morning, happy and bickering, energized with a decent nights sleep (a good-nights sleep is what he was hoping for, but as an idol, amidst promotions, it seems decent is the best you can do); Jungwon even catches the notoriously grumpy-in-the-morning Sunghoon cracking a smile at Ni-ki's various comedic impressions.
So it's a good day for Jungwon. It gets great when a certain hyung walks in.
"Jay hyung , good morning!"Jungwon calls out, his smile becoming fonder at the sight of the tired-looking man He's wearing a grey hoodie over loose-fitting sweats and despite the tell-tale signs of dark circles under his pretty eyes, he manages to look like he just walked off some runway for casual street clothes. His blonde hair is tousled and his broad shoulders are still squared despite his obvious fatigue.
Jungwon might be biased but that's a thought for another time because Jays answering smile is bright and wonderful and it solidifies that today is a great day.
"Morning, Jungwon." Jay's voice is a little rough, as it usually is when it's this early. He's already pulling out his chair in front of Jungwon, familiar with their very short morning routine. In an attempt to elongate it, Jungwon fixates a critical eye on the man.
"Whats wrong?" he asks because Jay is 100% pouting.Jay cracks a grin and chuckles; it's soft but it warms Jungwon's heart, hopeful that he could brighten his favourite hyung's morning a little.
"You didnt wake me up today" the older member mumbles, looking rather embarrassed.
Jungwons heart soars. "I'll be sure to wake you up tomorrow then hyung , but you'll have to promise me, youll wake up first try; without pretending to fall back asleep" Jay flushes, caught.
Yeah, Jungwon decides. Today is a great day.
Around noon is when they finally wrap up filming some individual scenes for a few special performances. And Jungwon's good day streak continues because the camera director praises his acting and then his manager does too, and then Jake hyung and then Ni-ki and then Jungwon sits alone at the dingy catering tables the staff have set up as makeshift rest areas, lost in thought under the guise of monitoring Sunoo's shoot.
Jungwon thinks they're right, the camera director, their manager,Jake and Ni-ki -He is a good actor.
Jungwon is such a good actor. Like actually- Hybe should consider letting him star in some teen drama because really he's just that good. He's talking Oscar award-winning level of acting. (Well- maybe not the Oscars but he could settle for an Emmy nomination )
But the point remains- Jungwon is a great actor.
So when Jongseong slips into the rackety plastic seat in front of him lovesick expression on his face and a dreamy sigh on his lips, mumbling something along the lines of "jungwon-an i think i might have a crush." Jungwon dials his annoying but well-meaning dongsaeng act up to compensate for the awful feeling brewing in his stomach and powers through it.
Jungwon was having a great day.
Jungwon closes his eyes then for half a second, letting out a soft exhale which Jay doesn't notice; too busy dreaming about whoever he's fallen for this time.
"You'll be fine," he thinks to himself and he knows he's right. It sucks: he's bummed that the perfect guy he has been crushing on for years has fallen for somebody who isn't him again. But he'll be okay. It's not like its anyone fault , not his , not Jay's , not the person that Jay has fallen for . It just is. There's not a hint of jealousy in his heart when he wishes that it should finally work out for Jay this time. He's just sad
And despite his heart splintering, he can't help the bittersweet fondness that seeps into the cracks; Jay came directly to Jungwon to tell him about his new crush. The thought that Jay considers him reliable enough to come to for these kinds of things is lovely enough to make Jungwon feel a little better.
Jay considers Jungwon a friend, so that's what he shall get from him, Jungwon will tease and laugh and encourage because that's what jay needs right now.
Jungwon plays his cards safe. He knows what works, so he pokes and teases, laughs and points out the look on Jay's face. And when jay once again pouts, he dials it back down, into loving best friend territory And gestures to jay to go ahead and tell him about whoever it is. Jay positively beams. Launching into a very detailed and long story. He tells Jungwon everything from eye contact right to the clothes with very intricate details. If Jungwons heart wouldn't be breaking at this very second he'd be appreciating how good of a storyteller jay has grown to be.
It's an intern this time. Someone Jay's age; just starting their career at be:lift. Jay takes a detour there to tell him it's a bitter reminder of where jay would be in life if he wasn't an idol. He goes on and Jungwon tunes out
Jungwon thinks he's heard it all from Jay . And yet jay surprises him each time. The first time Jungwon had sat through one of his feelings fueled rants was in I-land part one. Jungwon had figured out pretty quickly exactly who jay had feelings for ( Heesung , it was Heesung) and had approached him one sleepless night after the cameras cut, initially aiming to comfort him and then tell him as sweetly as possible to kindly get his head in the damn game.
But things hadn't gone his way, had they? What he had planned to be a staged intervention turned out to be just Jungwon listening to Jay rave about Heesung and all his habits for a good Two hours in the dark. Back then Jay had been an absolute mess, they all were but jay specifically.
Now in interviews, Jay can laugh and say that he was a bit nuts during I-land and all the members will smile and agree but Jungwon thinks he's the only one who had seen the depth of it. Back then Jay hadn't been as well-spoken as he is now and really it had been quite obvious his feelings were everywhere and nowhere at once.
Jay had always been someone open, wearing his heart on his sleeve even during the intense competition. So he had spilt at the slightest bit of prodding from Jungwon. He had spilt all his feelings - for Heesung and about Heesung , All of his thoughts- incoherent and messy and intangible and large .
He had told him everything there was to know really, every habit of Heesung; he found endearing and every talent of Heesung; he looked up to, about their trip to Brunei. He'd been so terrible at staying on the point, He'd start talking about his smile which would lead to him talking about Heesungs perfect teeth of all things and when he'd realised that it was rather creepy to talk about someone's teeth he had dialed it back to talk about his vocals.
Now,years later; in the privacy of their rooms, Jungwon will tease jay about it (never when Heesung or the others are present of course ) but back then all Jungwon could think was how he hoped to love someone like how Jay loved Heesung.
Funny, how badly that hope went , huh?
After Heesung, it had been Sunghoon in I-land part 2 .Jay had pestered him to describe in detail how Sunghoon was on the ice on their earned day off and when Jungwons words were unsatisfactory he had persuaded Jungwon to let him see every captured video he had recorded on the phone I-land had provided.
After debut, it was a staff member at music bank, and Jay had gushed about her sweet voice in their headsets instructing them to be on standby for the entirety of their' let me in' promotions.
Then it was Bang Si Hyuk PDs secretary and Jungwon had to witness Jay's attempts to take detours at the office and "accidentaly" find her office somehow.
Which brings them to now , two years into their lives as enhypen , Jay is still hopeless about love and Jungwon is still hopelessly in love with Jay.
When Jungwon reels back in, Jay is looking at him with a funny look on his face. With one look at him, Jungwon deduces that he's just finished with his rant and is waiting for Jungwon to say something.
Jungwon pretends to collect his thoughts for a second and then takes the leader way out of this situation, he tells him that he'll support jay no matter what but he also wants him to be careful, he gives him exactly the encouragement he needs but also asks him to remember his position. Despite all his efforts to make it sound sincere it ,sounds forced; and yet jay doesn't notice.
Jungwon is very much not having a great day.
When Jay finally catches on to his sour mood it's well into the night.
"Ah—I—You know..." There is no other explanation that comes to Jungwons mind and there is nothing left to do except for staring ashamedly at his shoes. He kicks against a crumb down there, maybe they should clean up the living room more often.
Jay sighs, raking his fingers through his product free fluffy hair. So fluffy, Jungwon marvels as the hair falls into Jay's eyes.
"You don't have to tell me, Jungwon. Just—is it the fact that i keep crushing on new people? Is that whats stressing you out as the leader. if thats the case just tell me , alright? I feel bad—"
"No, no, you're good !" It's not like Jungwon can chastise jay for walking around crushing on people when he does the same. "It's not your fault at all hyung , it's all mine, really something else! you dont need to worry"
Silence embraces them as Jay regards him thoughtfully, something that does things to Jungwon's heart. He doesn't notice it, the way his stomach knots itself with all the butterflies erupting in chaos doesn't notice the way that his heart stopped beating.
"Okay," Jay eventually says, his eyes calmly watching Jungwon. "But you'll tell me if anything's wrong, alright? Doesn't matter if it's schedules, the management or trouble at home, just... come to me, okay?"
The beach , Jungwon thinks that when he looks at Jay, he feels like the beach. A late and sunny summer day at the beach, waves breaking gently at the shore, warmth embracing you in that serene scenery. Loving Jay feels like a beautiful walk along the beach where you can leave behind all worries for a small moment in peace, an empty field with no flowers laid bare behind.
Jungwon is in love. This isn't a meagre crush that his friends can make fun of. This isn't some infatuation that his mother can nag him about. This is the start of loving someone. For Jungwon, this is the full force of having fallen for someone who feels so much like the beach on a late summer day.
Park Jongseong is something else. A man made out of every star in the sky, of every fleeting thought that touches Jungwon deeply.
Even on that night when Jungwon cuddles deeply into his pillow, he lies awake with a lingering blush on his cheeks, thinking about Jay and only Jay, as his heartthrobs painfully against his chest.
It isn't a good day.
Over the years. Jungwon picks up some of Jay's storytelling skills. And so he knows that the fundamental rule of telling a story is to set the scene. So here he goes-
It's 6:08 am, and he's on live with engenes. The live goes as uneventfully as lives go, it's the same as always- he makes sure to look good for engenes and tries to pick out some decent comments to read amongst cacophonies of "Marry me jungwon"
He has the recording phone set up in such a way that the entry to the room is not seen in case any unsuspecting sunbaes walk in on accident, and he's playing and singing along to clean versions of songs from his playlist. You see, all of this is regular and uninteresting.
The story truly begins when he hears a soft click of the door, he schools his expression for the camera thinking it'd be more comfortable for whoever it is that opened the door to go back out if he just pretended he didn't see them.
Except that's not what happens- from his vision past the mobile in front of him he sees Jay sitting down by the door, hunched over into himself and sniffling quietly.
As much as Jungwon would like to believe that he's usually a prepared person, he must admit he has no idea how to deal with this. He just hopes to god that the music steadily playing from the speakers makes it so that Jay's quiet sobs don't get picked up by the microphone.
Jungwon ends his live quickly, trying his best to seem natural and not as if the love of his life is in the same room quietly bawling their eyes out. He thinks he does pretty well at faking ease and nonchalance to engenes as he ends the live (good actor, remember?)
Jungwon expects Jay to come join him on the couch once he ends the live but jay remains seated at the uncomfortable chairs near the door, an uncomfortable 12 feet away.
Jungwon doesn't press, he lets Jay calm himself down and angles himself such that jay knows he has his full attention, and that he can start speaking anytime he wants.
In the few minutes, it takes Jay to collect himself, Jungwon assesses him in concern. The last time Jungwon saw him was that morning before Jungwon left for his individual practice session and then for the scheduled vlive. In the 3 hours since then, Jay hasn't changed one bit. He's still in the same Gucci shirt with the deranged dog on it that he wears to practice and at home and in the same sweats. Jungwons has personally been in that t-shirt (not in cute domestic boyfriends sharing clothes way, in a sunghoon-hyung-is-stress-washing-all-my-clothes-hyung-could-you-please-lend-me-some-clothes-to-wear way) to know that despite the heavy price tag the shirt is thin as shit so he hopes, for jays own good; that there's his coat in this building somewhere so he doesn't freeze to death in the December cold.
When Jay finally speaks, Jungwon gets out of his head and focuses on being a good listener. "Jungwon-ah -" Jay starts- same as ever, yet something feels different this time.
"- I think im in love this time." And this shocks Jungwon.
The Hybe intern feeling situation was a couple of weeks ago, practically old news at this point so that's not what shocks Jungwon. What shocks Jungwon is jays use of the word "love" because despite all the crushes Jay has had in the past he's never called it "love". Even with Heesung- where Jungwon was pretty sure Jay loved him, Jay never said he was in love.
He's always had things he loved about his crushes, Heesung's personality, Sunghoon's skills, the staffs voice, the secretaries demeanour. But he's never loved somebody.
Because to Jay having a crush, having feelings for, and loving someone were all very different things. To Jungwon they were not, they were all the same- Jay.
He expects Jay to elaborate- to tell him some intricate story about whoever it is that he loves. But it never comes- they sit in silence with an awkward 12 feet distance in between them.
Jungwon tries to be the person Jay needs in this situation. but it's hard when it feels like every reassuring word he says seems to pull them apart until there's a disconnect of miles between them.
It's the first time- the first time for Jay to admit he loves somebody and the first time for him to not tell Jungwon exactly who it is.
He didn't think it was possible but Jungwons heart breaks further.
Truth be told, Jungwon doesn't think much or at all about romance, He knows not to delude himself with fantasies of dating Jay or anyone at all, it's what is expected of him, isn't it? What kind of leader would he be if he'd dreamt dreams of dating someone knowing full well what kind of industry he worked in
So no, Jungwon doesn't think much about romance or anything of that sort.
But every year without fail, right around his birthday Korea prepares to celebrate valentine's day.
So every single year without fail Jungwon celebrates his birthday amongst pink and red hearts, with couples huddled together salvage some body heat in the chill of February, and every year without fail he thinks about how nice it'd be to spend it with a lover.
These days however the concept of love and romance plague his mind quite often, truthfully a lot of these thoughts have something to do with his jay hyung loving someone. But other than that he thinks of romance on occasions like these-
He's once again on live, cramped up next to sunghoon in a small recording room, bundled up in warm clothes to suit the weather
"Jungwon-sii" Sunghoon starts , Music bank MC mode on . It makes Jungwon giggle. "Its going to be your bithday in a few days, isnt it? " he asks, still carrying on with his little skit. Jungwon nods, not liking where this is going already.
"But in february , Other than the national holiday that is Jungwon day, what else could there be?" This makes Jungwon sputter out a laugh. He brings up one finger to his head exaggeratedly and pretends to think, following Sunghoons lead. " What could it be? " He asks still indulging the elder.
"Its going to be Valentines day right after Jungwonie's birthday , so what do you say we answer a few romantic questions," He says, his regular calm tone of speaking suddenly back, fluttering his eyebrows at the word "romantic".
Almost immediately the chat bursts with comments, Jungwon hides just how flustered he is by pretending to look through them. Most of the comments are just 'whats your ideal type ' which Jungwon ignores in favour of finding something more fun (and not because there'd be no way to get out of such a question without engenes realising he was just describing jay.)
"confessing to someone you like vs accepting somebody you likes confession " he reads out, and without giving sunghoon any time to think at all, he counts down "1,2,3-"
"Accepting a confession," they say at the same time and then gape at each other.
"But if you knew the person would 100% accept the confession then would you "Sunghoon asks, looking way too invested in this topic.
"Eh , of course " he says trying his very best to appear nonchalant and calm and not at all like all his thoughts in this very moment as filled with jay. "Actually , im a bit of a coward about these things" he hears himself say matter of factly as if anyone truly cares.
"- so the reason id prefer to accept a confession is that; if there was a person i liked-" he specifies the if because they're on live and fans are watching and he's smart about these things"-id just be scared of rejection."
He expects Sunghoon to tease him about this, make it something fun for the fans to make memes and edits out of; but he doesn't- Jungwon watches his expression soften for a quick second. "So if youd remove the possibility of getting rejected , you'd do it?"
He thinks for a second, "Yeah , I'd do it." he declares. There's undeniable truthfulness in his voice and he hates it. He hates it because that makes it seem like it's something Jungwon feels strongly about. He hates it because it's so clear now, that there's something there. Simmering beneath the surface. Under all of Jungwons carefully crafted calmness.
"Me too! I think" Sunghoon says, overly cheerful to cover up Jungwons depth. And Jungwon gets pulled out of his thoughts. There's no time for him to be embarrassed or mull over what sunghoon might know.
"A love alarm that rings when i like someone vs a love alarm that rings when someone likes me " Jungwon reads out from the comments, which are suddenly brimming with such 'this or that' questions; desperate for an out.
"a love alarm that rings when someone likes me," Sunghoon says between laughs. He doesn't know why they're laughing but he joins in "Yeah exactly !" he adds.
And then "Why anyone choose a love alarm that rings when you like someone, as long as you know it," Jungwon says; breathless with laughter.
For a second their eyes meet (Just a second because; as jay had once told Jungwon during his infatuated with sunghoon days, 'sunghoon cant really maintain eye contact well') Sunghoon is looking at him, a small frown marring his expression. Jungwon looks away, understanding instantly that he knows. But Sunghoon says and does nothing and their night finishes with laughter and singing and sleeping.
It's a good night, Jungwon decides.
There is never any jealousy in Yang Jungwons heart —
resignation maybe, resignation shaped like one of those slime balls Ni-ki plays with: it's sticky, smelling faintly of glue and something sweeter. it shapes into whatever he wants it to be, but the thing is; it won't unstick from his fingers. the sticky slime finds its way into the crevices of his fingers, like the way that knowing Jay will never love him, and being okay with that, finds its way into his heart. Jealousy however has no place in there.
he's loved him for so long. Jay, that soft unguarded smile when he thinks nobody is looking. when the sun hits his face and he unconsciously tilts his head towards it, like a cat. his instinct to provide, making sure Jungwon eats, sleeps. But Jay doesn't love him. it's okay. he's resigned himself to it long ago.
One evening, Jungwon comes back home from individual practice. Tired and absolutely over everything in life. Only to find that the door to the room he shares with four other self-proclaimed 'tidy people of enhypen locked. And really he has no patience for this.
At this point, he's sat through 3 hours of vocal exercises and then 2 hours of English classes, and then added 45 minutes listening to the English teacher go on and on lecturing Jungwon on things he probably (definitely) wasn't qualified to criticize. And the only thing Jungwon is looking forward to right now is his bed and the sweet caress of death and the only thing that stands between him and his bed right now is this stupid locked door.
So he raises his hand to knock with all the ferocity he can muster up in his tired tired body- until he hears Jay's voice.
He pauses, one hand held up ready to knock, and tries to listen. He knows - he knows it's wrong to eavesdrop but he's just so curious, and he's so tired. So his moral compass really isn't aligning all that well right now.
He hears bits and pieces, it really isn't all that coherent. Maybe it's because he's listening in from the other side of the door, or maybe it's because all of a sudden it seems that jay has lost all his storytelling skills.
In the 5 minutes that Jungwon stands there, he hears Jay stray from the point a whole 7 times. before Sunoo butts in to tease him.
Jealousy.
Jealousy burns at the pit of his stomach. Something green and fizzy. Like an ember in the pit of his stomach, he pushes back the green monster that claws at his chest and turns on his heels, marches into the living room and collapses on the sofa.
It's funny because he's been there through all of Jays crushes, the fleeting one and the borderline obsessive ones, but never once had he been jealous of them. Because how would that work?
But now, he feels replaced. Like he's lost his spot as jays confidant
it bothers him beyond belief.
The last thing he thinks before drifting off is that at the very least he is glad Jay has someone to confide his feelings to.
When he drifts back into consciousness, there's a hefty blanket being placed on him. It's Jay- who's trying his level best to be gentle and not disturb Jungwons light sleeping but it cannot be helped.
A glance at the clock tells him that it's been a couple of hours since he fell asleep and a glance around their dark dorm tells him that jay had successfully managed to tuck in all the members while he was knocked out.
Something warm grows in his chest.
"Why'd you fall asleep here ?" Jay whispers, it comes out too loud (Jungwon doesn't think its physically possible for Jay to be quiet- ever)
Jungwon stands from where he was lying, pushing aside the blanket. "The door to the room was locked and i didnt want to disturb you guys." he says, pretending to dust of non-existent crumbs from his clothes, refusing to meet Jay's eyes.
"So you knew it was me " Jungwon looks up in a panic, caught.
Making eye contact with jay is a wrong move. He looks soft- with his glasses on and his hair fluffy. Jungwons heart leaps painfully.
"Yeah , it was pretty obvious hyung. " He says and he hopes, it comes out nonchalant and cool.
"Oh, Jungwon-ah" he sighs, looking vaguely guilty.
Jungwon panics, because it was never his intention to make jay feel guilty about just talking to other people ." it's alright hyung, I'm just glad you're talking to people about this person you love, it doesn't have to be me every time"
"yeah but you know, this is - this is our thing, right ?" He looks unsure. As if he added that 'right' just to give Jungwon a leeway out of this if he's wrong. Jungwon hates it
"youre allowed to have things you dont want to share hyung , its alright" He finds himself saying, Truly meaning it
"yeah" Jungwon hopes he believes him " but still you deserve to know why i didnt come to you this time."
"okay "he sighs "okay hyung ,tell me," he says, forever weak for Jay
"Because" he starts." Between a love alarm that rings when someone likes me and alove alarm that rings when i like someone , id choose love alarm that rings when i like someone ."
Something in the atmosphere shifts, it's so warm. Jungwon feels so warm.
Jungwon expects his 19th birthday to be as unassuming as the rest of his birthdays are. But as with all things where enhypen is involved it doesn't quite turn out that way
the hyungs go all out, the initial idea was to recreate Jungwons birthday party scene from drunk dazed, only less bloody. But then since his birthday fell in between a miraculously free time in their schedule- his mom had wanted him to spend the day at home.
So the going all out wouldn't work out but they'd still try- then slowly more things got piled on, like not being able to find the exact fancy clothes and the liquor and the set and everything else basically. So they keep compromising until the end result looks nothing like the damn bit from drunk dazed.
It's still sweet, and it warms Jungwons heart. (Jay had talked to his parents and charmed his way into letting them borrow him in the hours leading to 12 o clock, Jungwon honestly expects his mother to tell jay off, but all she does is smile and just lets him.As it turns out the entirety of the Yang family are whipped for Jay ) There's a plastic circular table set up in the terrace of his family's apartment conveniently s̶t̶o̶l̶e̶n̶ borrowed from the catering that's usually present at their shoots with a while sheet over it. (Jay had insisted they cover the ugly table for the vibes, but they didn't have table cloths) and instead of wine or something hardcore like that, they're each holding little packs of Sofia, rosé spritzer. Which is aggressively pink and tiny. The packaging itself Jungwon has no issues with. It's just that-
"one would think ones first encounter with alcohol would be something cool like whiskey on the rocks or something" Heesung cuts him off -" like hell I was going to allow your first time with alcohol be whiskey"
Instead, it's this. A can of rosé spritzer in bite-sized bottles that come with straws and feel vaguely like chugging a Capri sun
"Go ahead try it ". Sunghoon prompts, and jake launches into a whole monologue about he can't believe Jungwon hasn't ever had alcohol before ("not even out of your parents glasses?" "No hyung")and somewhere close to his ear he hears jay chuckle,"Of course, he hasn't , jungwon's a good kid ,unlike you. He doesn't even watch age restricted netflix shows remember?"
And Jungwon, Jungwon's turning 19- a year into adulthood everywhere else in the world and just entering legal age in Korea, the leader of Enhypen, and always been told he was to mature for his young age, always taken up more responsibility than what should be trusted with a kid -but suddenly Jungwon feels like a kid. Lame and uninteresting. He thinks about whoever it is Jay's in love with probably enjoys wine and whiskey ,and is cool, unlike him. He feels extra stupid for thinking that and he hasn't even sipped alcohol yet but he's filled with unexplainable sadness.
He plans on changing that, the 'hasn't had a sip of alcohol yet' part, so he buttons up his blazer (from the' Ami ,wardrobe stories' shoot a year ago, borrowed from the stylists with some smooth-talking from Sunghoons end) and leans forward as dignified as possible while drinking from a Juice box looking Wine can and -
Promptly chokes. "Its Bubbly" he declares. "Is it called sofia rosé spritzer because its something sofia the first would drink?" he asks exasperated.
Somewhere to his right, he hears jays chuckle again, deep and lovely. He can't do this, he really can't. He goes back in for another sip.
Approximately two hours and 27 minutes later, Jay spills his Sofia rosé spritzer all over himself while trying to wrestle a sulking Ni-ki off of him. Thankfully he's dressed in his own clothes and not in something borrowed from the stylists ( Jungwons heart still mourns for the expensive black shirt drenched in Aerated wine)
And despite Jay's claims of being completely fine and not being bothered at all, Jungwon can see pretty obviously that Jay is uncomfortable. So he offers to get him something to change from his room downstairs, fully intending to just pop down quickly and be right back up. But jay joins him on the trek downstairs.
His parent's apartment is almost completely dark save for sneaking morning light falling in through the curtains. They don't need to be quiet, or sneak around - Jungwon isn't some girl snaking her boyfriend into her room in the middle of the night (Jungwon wishes he were though). But still, they hunch over and walk as quietly as possible to not disturb his parents.
Once they're safely in Jungwons bedroom he switches the light on and starts looking for something for jay to wear. As he looks for decently larger clothes for jay to borrow he thinks about how easy it is, one would think that with Jungwons pining and with the distance jay has been putting in between them for no apparent reason that things will be uncomfortable. But they're not. It feels comfortable to be around Jay, like second nature. Jungwon supposes that what comes with knowing someone for years.
All Jungwon can find in his wardrobe that isn't from 6th grade or isn't sleeping clothes is a fuzzy teddy bear quarter-zip he had won courtesy of Heesung in the first few en 'O clock episodes they filmed.
Jungwon giggles to himself thinking about Jay's incredulous expression when he hands it to him and turns around. Only to find Jay looking around the room mesmerized. His room is pretty ordinary, there's his bed, with a plushy on it, neat and well made. There's his bookshelf that he had aimed to fill with smart looking novels but never did because his textbooks took importance instead. There's a photo wall above his desk that he started years ago but never finished because he went off into i-land.
Jay looks stunned. When he finally catches Jungwons eyes he says "You've really grown up , huh?" Jungwon doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't. He just shoves the fluffy sweater in jays direction hoping he'll just take it without much fuss.
Jay takes it wordlessly, and Jungwon helps him to the washroom to get changed and lends him one of the towels to clean any sparkling wine off of him.
Jay- when he steps out into Jungwons room is a vision. He looks kind of odd, clad in well-pressed dress pants and a fuzzy teddy bear printed quarter zip. But something about him seems so soft to Jungwon. Maybe it's the carefree slightly intoxicated smile on his face or maybe it's the setting, the very room Jungwon grew up in making him feel all warm and fuzzy.
Jungwon feels the overwhelming urge to hug Jay. And with about 2 litres of alcohol pumping in his body, self-control running low and absolutely nothing stopping him- Jungwon does it.
So that's how the night ends. And Jungwon realizes that vaguely four hours into his official adulthood and with about five days to valentines day, Jungwon had finally managed to hug Jay in the way he had always meant to.
The hug™ had rewired something in their friendship, shifted their niche entirely, and left Jungwons brain in a permanent state of ungoverned chaos.
Because after that night, Jay is all over him- in the sense that Jungwon's little hug seemed to have opened a dam—Jay, obviously feeling bolder, is constantly touching Jungwon. It's either pressing a knee against Jungwon's, a calf against his, or reaching out and intertwining their fingers. It reminds Jungwon of I-land days. Back when he was filled with just harmless affection for Jay.
Jungwon shuts his eyes tight and reminds himself that this is completely platonic. They're just going back to their old comfortable ways. That Jay is in love with someone and that this - whatever this is, the skinship the increased time together, it's all platonic from Jays end.
The entire situation comes to a boiling point approximately a week later. Valentines day gets forgotten , spent in a rush of fan services and practice.
He and Jay are sitting on the couch in their dorm playing video games on the TV. It's a little bit past one in the morning and everyone except for them is fast asleep. It's just dark enough in the room for Jungwon to feel comfortable subtly glancing at Jay during the cut scenes, just barely illuminated enough for him to get away with it.
Jay looks beautiful. He's wearing dark sweatpants with a plain white t-shirt. There's nothing exactly special about the outfit, but Jungwon loves how natural and relaxed he looks.This is a side of Jay that most people don't get to see.
Casually clothed, bare-faced, sleepily concentrated Jay. His eyebrows are drawn together in a look of determined focus as he enthusiastically presses the buttons on his controller.
Jungwon's head is tilted a bit to the side from where he sits next to him, attempting to get a better view. He's doing a shitty job of pretending to care about whatever game they're playing.
It's just, well. The dim lighting in the dorm casts shadows on Jay's face that rival all the fancy lighting from all the shoots they do. And of course, the fact that Jungwon is madly and quietly in love with him is there too, and Jungwon's eyes and heart can't seem to decide on which of his features to focus on.
His artfully dishevelled hair is casually falling into his eyes. The long dark curls look like they'd feel soft to the touch, and Jungwon wants to run his fingers through them, comb out the little knots and tuck the strands behind his ears. It's taking him an incredible amount of strength to not reach out and touch.
For a quick second, Jungwon thinks about how it'd feel to confess He's been thinking about since well; valentines day(maybe the day hadnt beenjust spent just in a rush of scheduled posts and practice, maybe there had been lots of thinking too). Just get it all off his chest and lay it all out there. . But of course, there are so many variables to be considered, If the confession goes badly, there would be major consequences. For one, they're bandmates. They have to work together and see each other practically every single day. If he gets rejected, Jungwon doesn't even want to imagine how awkward it would become between them. Secondly, Jay is one of his closest friends. He can't risk ruining their relationship over something as stupid as his feelings, his friendship with Jay is already so precious to him.
So yeah, Jungwon can handle not having Jay as his significant other. Even though it would hurt him immensely and leave his heart always aching for something more between them, it would be better than not having him in his life at all.
His head is going to explode if he keeps thinking so much.
"You're dead," Jay says.
"Huh?" Jungwon blinks.
"You died, why are you still pressing buttons?" Jay glances away from the TV to shoot him a confused look.
Jungwon looks down at his hands, and oh, he is just pressing a bunch of random buttons on his controller. He tries to stop himself from blushing in embarrassment, God, this is getting seriously out of control. This is what he gets for staring at Jay for the entire fucking game.
"What's the matter with you?" Jay asks , Turning the game off .
Jungwon goes quiet. Without sounds of the game, the dorm is completely silent. What is the matter with him really
"What do you mean?" He asks ,playing dumb.
"You're being weird." Jay's eyebrows furrow, but there's something else less identifiable concealed in his expression.
Jungwon doesn't know what to say. And he racks his brain to find something anything to say. "Tell me about him." is what comes out
"What?"
"Tell me about him," Jungwon repeats, a little louder this time. "The person you're in love with .What do you like about him?" In that very second he hates himself so much . Why couldnt he have gone with something different?.
"Where do I start?" Jay asks quietly, more to himself, thinking. "I like how caring he is. He's kind of in a position where he has to look after others before he looks after himself, but he manages that really well too."
When Jungwon doesn't respond, Jay continues.
"He's just... really endearing? like i dont have a particular thing to like about him I like all of him, you know?"
Jungwon does infact know, but he cant seem to speak at all to agree.
"Um," Jay murmurs. "Whenever something good happens to me I always tell him first something great happens he's the first person I want to share the happiness with. It makes me happy to see him happy, and I think he's—"
"Jay hyung," Jungwon suddenly hears himself say. "I'm really tired. It's late. I'm really, really sorry. Can we pick this conversation back up some other time?"
Jay looks a little stunned.
Jungwon wants to curl up into the fetal position and cry himself to sleep. When Jay takes too long to respond, Jungwon smiles painfully and says, "I'm sorry, hyung. Another time, yeah?" And then, he stands up and turns around to make his way to his room.
Jay grabs his wrist at the last second. "Wait,"
"I'm almost done, I swear," Jay almost whispers.
"Jay hyung—" Jungwon starts, tired.
"Please?"
"I don't know—"
"I just want to get it off of my chest."
Jungwon sighs, forever weak for Jay .Losing an internal battle with himself, he sits back down on the couch and turns so that he's facing Jay. Their knees are almost touching now, and Jungwon steels himself for whatever it is that Jay is going to say.
"I'll make this quick," he promises. "I—I love his strength." Jay begins. "I love how when he fails at something, or when someone discredits him ,he just tries again and again until he gets it right, until he gets their respect .Ive witnessed it quite a lot actually . But I never noticed how much i truly admired that ,him until a few months ago. December? Was it December? Yeah-."
Jungwon hopes his facial expression remains stoic, Jay barrels on.
"He also teases me a lot , like a lot. But i can never get mad at him for it , i didnt know why , you know? I just thought that it was because he was inherently cute , like a cat. But then i thought to myself . Sunoo's cute- and i can get mad at him just fine. So why is he different? What makes him different. In many ways he's a lot better than me- he'd deny this but its true-"
Jungwon wonders how it'd be possible to be better than Jay at anything.
"He's never held it over my head though . Never made me feel like i'd done any lesser than . He's always just made me feel comfortable."
Whoever it is, sounds divine. Jungwon wants to curl into himself and cry into the next year. How is he supposed to hate someone who jay speaks so highly of?
"It's pretty shallow of me but I think I first realized that I liked him more than a friend because of his looks," Jay laughs softly, and then continues. "I've always known that he was attractive, of course, with the industry that were in , its a given ,right? but I don't know one day i just thought he looked beautiful ." "It sounds so dumb when I say it this way, but one day I got the notification to his live and clicked on it like I usually do, and this is so shallow- id been looking at him as a friend you know? I never realised -Like he has these deep ass dimples that I just want to die in. that's what made me realize how I felt about him. Jungwon-ah, Ive been a wreck for months. months."
Hold on , dimples?
The look on Jays face has a whole lot of seriousness piled onto it. Jungwon suddenly understands the severity of the situation, he shouldn't be fantasizing, not now, not when Jay stands in front of him laying out his soul ,not ever. "I'm pretty sure I've been making a fool out of myself in front of him for the past couple of months now, he probably thinks there's something seriously wrong with me."
God, he did not anticipate crying in front of Jay tonight. He feels like the second lead in a drama. Jungwon feels too stunned to even respond.
"He's driving me crazy. I can't focus at all, I didn't know what to do. I just needed to get it off my chest." He takes a deep breath. "And speaking to you about this has been so nice so i've decided that I'm going to confess to him."
"Oh, wow," Jungwon whispers to himself. "congratulations , hyung" he gets out, trying his absolute best to not start weeping on the spot.
"Now."
"Now?" Jungwon asks, thinking his Jay hyung might be a little crazy after all. Crazy in love. "Are you even sure he's awake right now? What if he's asleep or something"
Jay lets out a laugh like he can't believe Jungwon "I know hes not sleeping because he's right here " Jay says, taking a step forward.
Jungwon feels as though he's been hit in the head with a skillet."Am I—" Jungwon croaks out,clears his throat, blinks, and then tries again. "Am I the guy?"
"What?"
"The guy you're in love with. It's—" He pauses. "Is it me?"
Jay huffs out a soft laugh and rests his forehead on Jungwon's shoulder."Yes, you idiot. It's you."
"Are you sure? " He asks ,feeling the need to reconfirm.
Jay's face scrunches up. "You don't believe me?" He pokes Jungwon's cheeks "How many people do i know that have dimples"
"I dont know- Sunghoon Hyung—Tons of people have dimples!" Jungwon defends himself. "And you were being all cryptic by acting like you were talking about a whole different person!"
"Yeah... Sorry about that," Jay says sheepishly.
"No, I'm—I'm not mad. I'm just... surprised." Jungwon exhales shakily. "Just to be clear .You... like me?"
"Yes, weve established this," Jay says. "Listen Jungwon, it's okay ,you don't feel the same and —"
"No!" Jungwon blurts out, . "Just—Just give me a second." He covers his mouth with his hand, tightly closes his eyes.
"It's okay, I get it, really." Jay says "No need to explain yourself, won. This doesn't change anything between us, okay?." He moves to get off of the couch, but Jungwon pulls him back down.
"Jay hyung," Jungwon rasps.The air feels charged with a strange kind of tension that wasnt there a second ago. What changed?
"I've been in love with you for years."
"Come again?"
Jungwon laughs never really expecting to get this far. But instead of responding, Jungwon threads his fingers into the back of Jay's dark locks and pulls him into a bruising kiss.
Jungwon's having a really great day.
Notes:
ahh,,,how truly simple it is, sometimes, to be happy
Thank you for reading till the end:D PS I just joined Twitter ( @SINCERELYW0N), I'd love to see you there
also! lots of people thought it was rather unfortunate i ended the fic right at the kiss, and the truth is that I AGREE , its just that i cringe beyond belief at anything vaguely romantic that i write . But for those who really wanted to know what happens next -
1) they finally get their shit together and become those cute annoying boyfriends (you know the ones) and wont let the rest of enhypen breathe
2) (this part is completely canon btw) they bicker A LOT , mostly because thats Jungwons love language and because jay is a lovesick fool who indulges him . Jungwon always wins the "who loved the other first " fight which WOULD be rather upsetting BUT Jay always wins the "who loves the other more" fight and they get even.