Flashback – 3 years prior
Clarence was a degeneratay. After taking the entrance exam, and scoring –69 points, the school bored had decided that she was not worthy of being an Intelligente. That night, her Asian parents threw many slippers, as her brother, Jeremiah, played Blox Fruits in the corner. On the 3rd week of year 7, Clarence was already bored of this school life; the other degeneratays would scream the whole lesson, which would distract her from pirating anime in class. The school had even blocked YouTube. How utterly rhidikuluss.
One cloudy day with a chance of meatballs, as she walked home from Northe Mouldy College, she saw something shiny on the floor. 'Maybe it's money', she thought hopefully. She hunched down like a fried shrimp to see that it was actually just a chunky gemstone necklace that was probably stolen from Charlie's in the 1900s. How disappoint. She examined the gaudy kitschy flamboyant cheap lurid necklace. A large 100% grass-fed wild-caught organic free range cage free cage pasture botox plastic emerald charm that had the diameter of a large baseball hung down from the middle, adorned on all four sides by sparkly lead highlighter acid infused gems of various mismatched sizes and colours that most definitely did not scream "yas gworl yahoo!" Perhaps she could scam someone and sell it, and finally get enough money for a Crunchyroll subscription.
She stood up, still in shrimp posture, necklace in hand. A bright ray of sparkly glittery awesome sauce blinding slay queen light was emitted from the necklace, causing Clarence to squint her already squinty ching chong eyes. And from within the necklace came a tiny ugly spirit creature, that had taken a form alike an overfed albino penguin.
"hewwo my name is Peepee~"
Clarence's eyes widened to the size of a white persons in shock. She had never seen an uglier magical girl companion in her whole career of pirating anime.
"u have been choosed for an almighty mew task by the holy spirit," Peepee continued, "She has sent astral projections of herself to grant powers to 4 chosen ones."
"So, you're saying I've been chosen to save the world?" Clarence asked, excited.
"yes ofc, u and 3 others from ur schol."
Clarence paused. Would she really be committed enough to save the world between her extremely important mathecking classes and anime binge sessions? And what if it was extremely dangerous, like in Madoka Magica?
"What powers will I be getting?" she inquired apprehensively, like a dog shaped bomb in a freezer.
"You and the others will have any powers I deem necessary for you to bring two people together. Together, you four will be Cupid, bringing love in the name of hinged."
Matchmaking? That's all she had to do to prevent the destruction of the universe? That would be absolutely totally easy peasy lemon squeezy! After all, she had watched Fruits Basket and read dominating alpha x submissive omega Y/N x trafalgar law fanfiction enough times to know exactly what romance was like. (grr! 😾😻)
"Ohk", she reluctantly agreed.
"Very well." Peepee climbed onto her hand, and a toenail gunk crack appeared.
"Wow I don't feel any different this is so modern"
"Hey jessay! Awooooowooowo feels like a party everyday hey jessay awoowowoowowowo-"
"Jeez Peepee I get it, I'll use my powers soon. See you 💃"
Sprinting away with renewed caffeine in her brain, she went to join her friends and degeneratays, Laurel-yanny and Tikki.
Laurel-yanny trotted alike a stallion along the path to the cemetery. A solemn bowl of Choles branded rice lay in her palm. It had been a long time since she'd listed all 2 of her luke-warm achievements to her Asian Ancestors, along with a timeline of the last year of her life with data points per minute. Kneeling down and adjusting her 17 cm thick glasses frames, she stuck a pen through her hair to complete her "satisfactory easily-replaceable competent Asian child" OOTD. "It is I, Laurel-yanny."
"Whos that"
Laurel-yanny winced. It had only been 2 hours since she'd last visited her great great great great great great great grandfather's aunt's second cousin's daughter's husband's brother's uncle twice removed. Was she that forgettable probably most definitely?
"It is I, Laurel-yanny, and you are my great great great great great great great grandfather's aunt's second cousin's daughter's husband's brother's uncle twice removed. Remember?"
"Ah. No, I do not."
A horny deer-like tear slid from her left orb cavity. "That is the fine-eth. I am not the emotionally damanaged. I shall not succumb to depressionazione."
Two seconds and one meagre success later (she'd illustrated with great detail how she'd managed to score half a goal in soccer, which wasn't very hard), Laurel-yanny left the graveyard.
However, a thought suddenly struck her inside her extremely mediocre clump of cells. She'd forgotten the holy bowl of holy rice inside coconut for grandma! Before she could feel depressionazione again, she reminded herself that it wasn't her that was being dumb, but her brain, which she marginally discriminated.
Reaching down to pick the coconut filled rice grain, up, she noticed it.. moving. Wait. Not even moving. It was exercising! It was stretching and filling up the cavity in the soil, burying itself in air and wiggling it's fingers! Then, it started morphing. Not in an elegant way, but in a dough like way. It jiggled and giggled and siggled and biggled, becoming ever larger until it's diameter resembled the length of Laurel-yanny's hand.
Intrigued, and deciding that she was inspired by the dumb gworls in those haunted house movies, she touched it.
That was when it really started jiggling and giggling and siggling and biggling. The dough became this weird flesh color, it grew a pair of alien looking eyes and became very, very, flatulent and obese. It opened it's dough opening mouth and words came tumbling out.
"IamtheGlob-glo-gab-galabtheshwabble-dabble-wabble-gabbleflibbablabbablabI'mfullofshwibblyliber-kindIam the yeast of-"
"ew wtf bro"
"Excusmiwah? I AM LORD POOPOO AND I AM HERE TO GRANT YOU POWERS, INSIGNIFICANT AND OOGLAY BEING!??!!!!1!1!!11!" It said calmly.
"Oolala. Prithee bid further."
It- no, Poopoo, rambled on further about the importance of hinged and unhingedness and how it will make us not die blahblahblah. Laurel-yanny found the words slipping out of her ears at the same rate that they were fed to her. At the end of the creature's lecture, a small pile of alphabet letters lay on the floor beside her (which she gifted to her relatives, pretending that she had gotten credit in the recent mathecking Olympiad).
Then, Poopoo proceeded to climb, or rather, roll, onto her hand. A bright diarrhoea flash lit up, then disappeared as quickly as it happened.
"uh whats supposed to happen bro like bro I cant feel anything did it glitch bro"
"No, human. Lord Poopoo never fails. Your powers work now; just make sure you don't mess up because that will make me greatly disappointed, and I shall communicate this deep dissatisfaction in the form of melted pencils in thy pencil case."
Laurel-yanny's cockroachey senses tingled. She definitely did not like the look of that.
"I shan't disappoint you, Lord Poopoo."
And with that, Laurel-yanny flew away.
Around this time, Maya, the notorious K-pop boy cardboard addict, walked off the train, humming to the tune of the SEVENTEEN song she was blasting at max volume in her TXT branded airpods. While she did her K-pop choreography, which involved doing a somersault mid-air and landing with a triple axel cartwheel forward roll, her left crusty musty dusty TXT branded airpod fell out.
As she reached to grab it, while still doing her TikTok-worthy k-pop dance, she noticed there were two TXT branded airpods on the floor. Upon closer inspection, the second one was not TXT branded, but fanum tax branded, with skibidi sigma kai cenat grimace shake printed on it. Easy mistake to make. Before she could do anything about it, it blasted Chopin music so loudly that anyone within a 69km radius could hear. What great music taste. So alpha grr.
"Why hello there, chosen hooman."
Maya turned around, flipping her silky flowy midnight black hair. A being that looked something like a Furby from Reddit horror stories crossed with Queen Chrysalis from the My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic season 3 finale was floating in the air behind her.
"I am Weewee, a projection of the Holy Spirit, and you have been chosen for an Almighty Mew task." weewee continued, giving Maya a similar speech to the ones the others had received, only more "slay qween yass" and totally Gen Alpha.
"I'm saddened to say that our talk has to end. If would like to join us in this task, Chosen One, you shall hand in this parent approval form to Spinach Lake Cafe by 5pm today."
There were 12.7 mL of questions swirling around Maya's mind, meshing with the LE SSERAFIM song currently playing. But before she could ask any, Weewee had already dissipated into a telephone pole, leaving behind a form that apparently her parents had to fill out.
Tikki sauntered around the proximity of the mills trashcan outside of the dance studio near the stairs. Barking seductively, she noticed a lone box on the floor. But before she could have her kind soul food for thought moment and eat it, a shrivelled thing that heavily resembled Ms Baguette's face crawled out.
"mm tasty"
"NON!" The thing turned around, dramatically revealing it's dried up face and Victorian facial elements.
"I AM LORD BOBBINETTE, PROJECTION OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, BORN OF A MOST PASSIONATE TRYST BETWEEN THE HONOURABLE BOB (side character 183) AND MOST DAMSELLY MARINETTE. I SHALL HOW YOU SAY GRANT YOU POWERS LOL", it said with the grace of a Parachutey.
"bruh shut up im trying to listen to mask by dream!"
The starving Victorian foetus snapped its googly eyes up to hers. "HOW DARETH YOU!" It screamed peacefully. Jumping up with the speed of Sonic the Rat, it landed in Tikki's hand and abruptly explained everything.
"No but like can i eat you after"
The foetus sighed. A bright Asian light shined from Tikki's palm. She was now a Chosen one.
Maya chatted to the Jungkook characterai bot, pondering whether or not to become a matchmaker. Sure, it sounded fun, but it would take time away from watching Korean men do dance routines and be gay. Then, she came up with a super duper Intelligente idea: she would look at pinterest boys during class! Genius idea frfr. And so, she forged her parents' signatures on the approval form, and went off to Spinach Lake.
Midway through flailing to Spinach Lake, she got a notification. The Stileapp homework Mr. Bilbert assigned was almost due! And in a rush, she finished the Stileapp, through the power of Intelligente scatter plot graphs.
Looking at her watch, she suddenly blurted "omigofsh" and left 294 metres into the air in surprise. "I've forgotten to hand in the forem!"
But it waz too late, because she'd surpassed the due date of 9:53 by a minutay and 24 seconds~
"Oh well", she pondered intelligently, pulling out her phone once again and opening her recently closed tab: "hot pinterest kpop boys jun hot very hot seventeen hot cute hot"
Looking down, Maya continued to scroll while walking and bumping into several miscellaneous objects.
2 hours later, at Northe Mouldy College upstairs gym on crusty musty ahh floor
"ni hao, comrads", Tikki commanded commandingly. "We shalleth be attempting our first mission together."
"Wow! What is it? 🙀🙉", Laurel-yanny said, while performing a symbol of supremacy and dominance.
"I am so whitesh vanilla"
"Ahem", Tikki called. "Silencio! Our first mission is to-"
"Wo jiao tim"
"SILENCIO YOU MINISCULE SHAT!" Tikki said kindly. Clearing her throat, she continued.
"Our first mission is to get Spartacus and The Elizabreath together."