Chapter 13
I knew that it was his subtle way of telling me to leave him alone.
He told me na sa LE pa rin siya magrereview. He hid all his activies in social media from me. He wouldn't reply to my calls and texts...
I knew I should leave him alone...
I knew that...
But I couldn't stop thinking about him... at kung ano ba iyong nagawa ko para gawin niya 'to sa 'kin? Because whenever I'd think about the last interaction we had, he even went to my place and waited until I was pacified. He stayed with me hanggang sa maka-tulog ako. He was still replying to some of my texts.
It was fine...
Alam ko naman na busy siya kagaya ng palagi niyang sinasabi sa akin. But... why did he need to do this? Mas masakit 'yung pagha-hide niya ng stories niya sa 'kin. Alam ko wala naman kaming dalawa... but I would've hurt less kung direktang sinabi niya na lang sa akin na tigilan ko na siya. Kaysa ganito na akala ko okay naman lahat.
Para akong naiwan sa ere.
Ah... baka ganito iyong sinasabi niyang detachment.
Tangina—mas masakit pa ata 'to sa breakup. Iyong tipong bigla na lang nawala na hindi mo alam kung may nagawa ka ba o nasabi na hindi niya nagustuhan.
"I'll be fine," I kept on telling myself.
There was no Lui when I graduated from law school... and there'd be no Lui when I finish the BAR exam.
I'd be fine.
And that's what I'd been telling myself for the past few days. Pinilit ko iyong sarili ko na magfocus lang sa pagrereview kasi ano ba naman ang magagawa ko? Wala. Wala akong magagawa.
And that's probably why it sucked more... Kasi hindi naman 'to breakup na pwede kang makipagnegotiate na magbabago ka... o kaya sabihin mo na cool-off muna.
What were we even?
Bodies to warm each other's bed?
Situationship?
God, even in my own head, I sounded pathetic.
"You okay?" tanong sa akin ni Cheena nang maabutan niya ako na nasa classroom pa rin. I had no appetite to eat. Nasa classroom lang ako lagi kapag lunch break. Mamaya na lang ako kakain sa condo. I just needed to eat para hindi ako magka-sakit.
"W-what?" nabigla na tanong ko sa kanya. I forced a smile. "Y-yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for asking."
Tumango siya. "Here," sabi niya tapos ay may inabot na box sa akin. Inabot ko iyon at nakita ko na box iyon ng vitamins. "Bawal magkasakit ngayon," she continued and smiled at me.
"Thank you," I told her because I appreciated this gesture of kindness... because it felt like it's been a while since someone really cared for me outside of my family...
God, I was so exhausted kahit nag-aaral lang naman ako.
"Shit. I'm sorry," I told her when I started tearing up for no reason.
Cheena handed me a pack of tissues. Naupo lang siya sa tabi ko. I wasn't really friends with her dahil hindi naman kami naging magkaklase talaga. I was just familiar with her dahil maliit lang naman ang mundong ginagalawan namin. But I was thankful for her presence. I just needed someone to talk to... kasi parang wala akong makausap.
"You wanna vent?" sabi niya habang nakaupo lang sa tabi ko. "I know we're not close, but I have ears. I can listen."
Patuloy ko lang na pinupunasan iyong luha mula sa mga mata ko. I wanted to stop crying. Baka may dumating dito sa classroom tapos makita pa nila ako na umiiyak. Ayokong maging laman ng chismis nila.
"Wala lang 'to..."
"Kung wala lang 'yan, bakit ka umiiyak?" sabi niya sa akin. I couldn't feel any judgment on her voice. "Si Lui 'yan, noh?" Natigilan ako at saka napatingin sa kanya. "I mean, it was just a guess... Close kayong dalawa tapos biglang nandito ka at nasa Jury naman siya."
I tried to even my breathing.
"You know, there's a reason why may pamahiin tayo sa law school na bawal magka-love life o kaya makipagbreak kapag start na ng review for the BAR?" sabi niya sa akin. "Because it throws us off the balance. It's disruptive. It divides the attention."
I remained silent. I knew that. I didn't mean for this thing to reach this far. Sabi ko, go with the flow... hindi ko naman akalain na dadalhin talaga ako ng agos.
But who the fuck was I kidding?
I knew this.
I knew this, and still chose to dive in head first.
"I know this is not my place to meddle with, Tali, but we worked really hard to get to where we are now. Don't throw it all away because of some guy."
Was Lui just some guy?
In the future, would I meet someone else and would Lui just be considered as some guy who fucked me over during my BAR review? Possible ba 'yon?
"I'm trying to," sabi ko sa kanya.
"Try harder," she said. "Three months 'til BAR exam, Tali."
"Kung ikaw ako... ano'ng gagawin mo?"
She shrugged. "Go talk to him. Get answers to your questions. Then mag-aral ka na ulit," sagot niya. "Heartbreak is temporary—title is forever."
* * *
Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa bang humarap kay Lui. When he decided to basically block me from his social media accounts, that stung like a slap on the face. Tapos magpapakita pa ulit ako sa kanya? Ganoon na ba ako katanga? Ganoon na ba ako ka-desperada para sa kanya?
I tried to focus on just studying... but I couldn't finish reading a material without shedding tears. Para bang lahat ng reviewer ko ay may bakas ng luha dahil sa kanya.
Sinubukan kong magtext sa kanya para sabihin na gusto kong mag-usap, pero wala siyang nirereplyan kahit isa. Kahit tumawag ako, panay lang ang ring nun hanggang sa matapos.
I tried to wait for him sa condo niya, pero para bang alam niya na naka-abang ako at hindi siya umuuwi... I tried to look for him sa mga lugar na pinupuntahan namin, pero hindi na raw siya nagagawi doon.
It was like he purposely stopped going to the places na alam niya na alam kong pinupuntahan niya.
"Last na 'to," sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naka-park ako sa labas ng review center na nilipatan niya. Tinignan ko iyong sarili ko sa salamin. Ang payat-payat ko na. Hindi na ako nakakapag-ayos. I felt so bad for myself. Why did I let myself go this far? Why did I allow myself to get entangled in this mess?
Nakakaawa na ako.
Tama si Cheena.
I just needed to get the answers... no matter how hurtful they might be... Tapos... tapos tama na.
I tried to make myself look presentable. I knew that there's a chance that Lui would strip me off of my dignity... might as well try to look good for that.
Paglabas ko ng sasakyan, nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa mga nakaka-salubong ko. This time, I hated how small the community is. They probably knew about Lui... at iyong katangahan ko sa kanya. They must laughing at me... or felt bad for me.
Either way, ako naman iyong talo.
'Hi. I'm here outside Jury. Can we please talk?'
Naka-upo lang ako sa may bench sa labas. Wala naman akong balak gumawa ng eskandalo. Ayoko rin na dito siya kausapin, pero ano ang gagawin ko? Nagtatago siya sa akin.
I silently waited for him. I wanted to empty my mind, but I couldn't... I kept on thinking about him... and me... and wondering if maybe I did something wrong... and what I could've done to avoid it... and then laughing at myself at how pathetic I was still.
Or perhaps wondering na kung sa ibang pagkakataon kami nagkakilala, would it have been different?
"Hey," narinig kong sabi niya. He said that like nothing was wrong; like he hasn't been avoiding me for nearly a month now.
I looked up to him as he was standing in front of me. I saw how surprised he looked at how I look. I lost a lot of weight without meaning to. Wala akong gana sa kahit na anong bagay. Day by day, I was just trying to get it over with.
Lui sat down beside me.
"You don't look good, Tali," he said like he cared. "You should eat more."
I turned to look at him. "Bakit ka ganyan?" sabi ko habang nararamdaman ko na naman iyong luha na namumuo sa mga mata ko.
"What?" naguguluhan na tanong niya.
"Why do you act like you care? Why can't you just be an outright asshole?" sabi ko sa kanya habang dire-diretso ang pagtulo ng luha mula sa mga mata ko. "Why do you avoid me? And then go to my condo to check-up on me? Why do you block me from your socials? And then tell me that I should take care of myself more? Why do you confuse me?"
Lui was just looking at me. I kept on waiting for him to say something, but he wouldn't say a word. He was just looking at me... and it drove me crazy not knowing what goes on in his head.
"What do you want, Tali?" he asked after minutes that felt like eternity in hell.
"I want answers," I said in between heavy breathing. "Kung bakit mo 'to ginagawa sa 'kin..."
His gaze was locked into mine. "Because you let me," he simply said.
Patuloy iyong pagtulo ng luha ko; iyong pagsikip ng dibdib ko.
"Tali, I'd been nothing but honest with you—"
"Bullshit," I said, cutting him off.
Mahina siyang umiling. "I told you—I just wanted fun."
"Fun? Fun would be fucking me. Why did you have to bring me to La Union? Iyong dinners? Sleepover?"
He was looking at me like he pitied me. "Tali... I do that with other girls, too. You're not special."
I could hear my heart breaking.
Again.
And again.
"No..." I whispered as I felt the tears falling faster and faster.
"Is it the first time a guy has ever given you attention, Tali?" he asked.
We were just sitting there. Kung may makakakita siguro sa amin mula sa malayo, iisipin nila na naka-upo lang kaming dalawa... Little did they know, my heart was breaking at this very moment with every word that he said...
"You should've listened to your friends, Tali," he said as he got out a cigarette from his pocket and lightened it up. "And I shouldn't have messed with you kung alam ko lang na magkaka-ganito ka."
"Ganito?" I managed to ask in between tears.
He nodded while the cigarette was in his mouth and between his fingers. "Look at you," he said. "Don't you feel bad about yourself, Tali? Because I do. I don't like seeing you like this."
"Kaya ba lumipat ka dito? Kahit sinabi mo sa 'kin na sa LE ka pa rin?"
He just looked at me. "Because you wouldn't leave me alone," he said casually like he didn't just stomped on my already broken heart. "You're distracting me. You keep on calling. And texting."
Napaawang iyong labi ko. "Wow... Kahit ikaw 'yung laging umaaya sa aking magreview?" sabi ko sa kanya. "You talk as if I became like this for no reason. You did this to me, Lui!"
He blew out a smoke. "Did I do anything, really? It's not like I had to exert any real effort to get you in bed, Tali."
Tears just kept on flowing like they have no end. "Why are you being like this..."
"What? Because you won't take the hint. You had to follow me here. Do you think I enjoy saying these things?" sabi niya at saka muling humithit ng sigarilyo niya. "Tali, I just wanted to review and to pass the BAR. I think I mentioned that a couple of times already. Paulit-ulit na lang."
Pinatay niya iyong hawak niyang sigarilyo.
"Just focus on your review, Tali. And take care of yourself."
Tumayo siya.
I called his name.
"Just answer this," I said as he turned and looked at me. "Did you... even like me?"
He was staring into my eyes as he leaned in, held my chin with his hand, and kissed me for a few seconds as I held my breath... but then he broke the kiss and looked me in the eyes and said, "Even this kiss is just nothing to me, Tali. Stop reading into everything I do. I told you from the beginning—don't take me seriously."
**
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