Chapter 17
The truth is hard to understand
As I reached my house I fished out my keys from my pocket and sighed. My mum will most likely shout at me as soon as I walk in, asking questions, pretending like she actually gives a crap about me. I stood there for what seemed like ages, thinking about the events that have happened today. Did Vanessa love Jess that much, that she'd give her up for me, just to give her happiness? I really thought she would shout in my face, tell me I'm a horrible person for taking the one thing away from her, which keeps her happy. But I guess I can't be sorry for her, after all, she did tell everyone I'm gay and has now, probably ruined my life.
However, I couldn't help but think about Jess, she's fragile too, she may not seem like it, but she is; her eyes show fear, they show me confusion and regret. I didn't notice it before because I was too busy enjoying her company and finding more things about her. Jess was amazing, funny, charming and she knew how to cheer me up without even trying. It's just that, now I know everything that's gone on between her and Vanessa, I know that I'm standing in the way of her happiness without even wanting to be in the way. I sighed frustrated, and walked up to my door, just as I was about to open it, my mum stood there glaring in my direction, the door opened all the way now.
"Where have you been? The school phoned and said you were no longer present, have you been ditching school again? You know what happened last time, you got kicked out your last school because of ditching" I rolled my eyes at my mother and brushed past her, taking my coat off and walking up the stairs to my room. Ignoring her as she continued to point out the fact that I was kicked out my old school for ditching, oh, and that I'm in trouble.
"Katie, get back down here now, we need to speak and I'm going to tell your father" She screamed, still standing at the bottom of the stairs as I finally reached the top of them. I stopped in my tracks and closed my eyes for a second. I hate when she used my father as an excuse to punish me, he wasn't here anymore and he never even tried to be here. So why should I be afraid of him. I saw him every weekend on a Saturday, that was the only time I saw him, and it lasted for around five or ten minutes.
I turned around and stared at my mother, her now red cheeks turned even darker as she fumed about my behavior. I was never a bad kid, I always did what I was told to do, I cleaned my room, I even sometimes washed the dishes for my mum, knowing how sick she got sometimes. But this was too much, her drinking, fighting with her boyfriend all the time, screaming in my face for things my brother has done, and now me. I couldn't take it anymore; she was on her own now.
"What do you care? Tell my father, all he ever does is work, it's not like he cares about me is it? Who's the one he picks up every Saturday to spend time with him? Not me, so why should I care whether or not he comes down to shout in my face? In fact, call him, it'd probably be the only time I'll see him for a long time." I shouted, watching as my mother gazed at the floor, looking as if she was sorry for what my father has put me through, what she has put me through all of these years. But I wasn't finished yet, and I knew what I was about to say next would kill her, but I was too angry to stop myself from raging out at her, from showing my true feelings.
I walked down there stairs slightly and walked back to the bottom, standing near her but not to near as I knew she would hate me for saying this, but it needed to be said.
"All you care about is your stupid boyfriend and that stupid alcohol of yours, you don't care about me, you're too busy getting drunk every night and pretending you're a good mother, you're not a good mother! You leave me alone in this house all the time to look after my brother, you even disappeared for a week the one time, how can you stand there and tell me what to do. What I have done wrong, when you have..." But before I could even finish, I felt a sharp sting across my cheek. I looked up at my mother and saw the anger raging through her eyes, tears begging to come out.
I touched my cheek shocked, she just hit me, she's never hit me before. I stood there as a tear escaped my eyes, watching as my mothers eyes went from angry, to now sad and regretful. She tried to reach out for my cheek, but I stopped her and shook me head. Turning around and running to my room before she could say anything more to me.
I can't believe what's just happened...ok maybe I deserved it, I went too far, but she's never hit me before, not ever. I went too far, but it was true, everything I had said was true, and I wasn't going to stand there and take all of this bull anymore. I have had enough of feeling pain, watching my mum slowly die because of the problem she has. I may have hurt her feelings, but it was the only way she was going to see sense, the only way she could ever move on from the past. My mother still loves my dad, she won't admit it, but I can see it in her eyes every time he comes down, she even dresses up nice and wears make up before he comes, which is rare for my mum. I opened my bedroom door and closed it, turning around to face my room and then sliding down my door, feeling my cheek as it stung slightly.
Today was hectic, I've had worse days believe me, but today was too much; finding out Sophie is gay, Jess and Vanessa, knowing the truth, my mother. Just everything that's happened, it's like no one wants me to be happy, but I guess I'm the kind of person who wants other people to be happy, rather then focus on me and my happiness.
I stood up and walked over to my bed, looking at the pictures I had placed up a while ago, on my wall. A whole area of my wall was covered with photos, old photos that were taken when I was little: most of the photos were left behind when we moved out of our first home, but managed to keep some and even my birth certificate was left behind. I sat on the bed slowly and looked at all of the photos, all of the memories flooding back into my head as I recognized each on, and the day we had took them.
The first one I looked at was a photo of my nephew and me, sitting outside on bench in the park. I was holding him to my chest with my head placed in the crook of him neck, we were both laughing about something as I held him tight, with an ice cream in our hands. On the other side of me was my younger nephew, he had dropped his ice cream on the bench and stared down at it looking puzzled. I chuckled lightly, remembering we had to buy him another ice cream afterwards. Trees piled behind us, and the sun was shinning down on each and every one of us. That was the day of my nephew's birthday, we had just come from my mum's house and I was stopping over my sisters to be with them. We were going to throw him a small birthday party (the oldest one). In fact, when we did, my nephews ate all of the cake without us knowing, and we had to get him another one. It was a fun day.
The photo next to that one was a picture taken of me and...Sophie. We were outside of school in our uniforms; she was smiling at me and kissing my cheek, whilst I stared in to the camera: my eyes were shut tightly as I was blushing and scrunching my face up. We were both standing near the gates next to each other, as she held me. I remember that day like it was yesterday.
We had just finished our last day of school before we go into the higher schools. She was telling me we'd stick by each other all the way and that she's always look after me and make sure I'm happy. That always made me smile when I thought about it, and here I was smiling like an idiot, sitting on my bed with nothing but my thoughts running through my mind, silence filling the room. After we took the photo, she pulled away from me and winked, grabbing my hand and telling me she'll be over at my house later.
I can't believe so much has changed over the years, I never would have guessed she was gay; she always looked at guys the way...the way I looked at her during that time. Always talking about which guys were hot, and which ones she'd love to go out with. Not once did she mention any girls.
On second thoughts, I did catch her once staring at this girl in the changing rooms. We were about to go play volley ball with our gym class, and we had a match coming up soon, but when I turned around after I was ready. I caught her staring at a girl across the room still changing out of her clothes; Sophie was looking her up and down. I thought she was just looking around at first and maybe day dreaming, but I could tell she was checking her out. It was kind of obvious if you ask me, but at the time I just brushed it off.
I wish she had told me a long time ago, then maybe, just maybe...we might have ended up together, and I wouldn't have gone through all of this pain I'm feeling right now, I wouldn't have lied to myself about the feelings I had for her, telling myself she's straight and that she would never see me in that way. I stopped looking at the photos and lay on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I felt tired, and I couldn't face going to school tomorrow, I know Vanessa is sorry and she said she would help me out tomorrow, but I'm still afraid of facing everyone; afraid of facing Jess, or even Sophie.
I heard the door open slightly as I was feeling my eyes close, sleep was closing in on me, but whoever it was, I was too determined to carry on opening my door, and walking into my room. When I felt the edge of my bed dip in, I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at who had disturbed me. To my shock, it wasn't even my mum, or my younger brother, it was, Sophie.
"Hey, your mother let me in, I wanted to see you" She said, staring down at the floor as she played with her fingers as she looked deep in thought. Wow, I never would have guess she'd be here, why was she here? After all, she doesn't even know where I live, so how did she find me? I was too angry to even care; all I wanted to do was fall asleep and dream about a better place. I felt something hit my face as I carried on ignoring her, with my eyes closed tightly. I opened my eyes as I realized she had thrown a pillow at me. What the hell?
"What was that for?" I shouted, throwing the pillow back at her, watching as she caught it with ease and giggled slightly, before stopping and gasping.
I frowned confused as she reached over and touched my cheek, a hint of sadness glistening through her eyes. I could tell she was still upset, but why was she upset? She's the one who lied to me; I'm the one who should be confused and upset. I then realized she must have noticed the mark on my cheek, from when my mother hit me. I sighted dramatically and sat up, her hand still caressing my cheek as she gave me a sympathetic look. What was she doing here? She had no right to come here after knowing she has lied to my face for all these years.
"What are you doing here? How did you even know where I live?" I asked, feeling the anger build up inside of me, I know I'm probably being over dramatic, about this whole thing. But you don't get it, if she had told me a long time ago; I could have been with her, maybe. I pushed away all of those feelings so that she wouldn't leave me, and stop being my friend because of the feelings I had for her, when in fact, she could have felt the same way, or maybe not, but anything is possible.
Her frown depends as she stared at everything but me, fiddling with everything she could get her hands on. Just as I was about to ask her again, she sighed and looked at me. I could see the regret in her eyes, and what made me confused the most, was the fact that she looked like she had been dumped or something, like someone she loved had just broken her heart. All of the anger that was inside of me was now drained out with the look she gave me, I couldn't be angry with her, not after everything we've been through. Yes, she had lied to me, but maybe I should listen to her, maybe she has a reason, or maybe not, but I can't be rude to her, I'm not that person.
"Don't be mad, but I got your address from Amy, I explained you were upset and that I needed to see you, she offered to come too but I said no. I wanted to see if you were ok, I know I messed up, and I lied to you, I'm really sorry about that. I was just worried that's all that I'd lose you and you wouldn't accept me. I know that's stupid, because you're gay too, but I don't know, at the time, I wasn't thinking, I just didn't want to lose you or hurt you." After explaining, she sat further on the bed and turned herself around, her body now facing me as I sat facing the door still, taking everything in. Why would she be afraid to hurt me? Why would she even think I'd hate her, or wouldn't accept her? I would never hate her, I'm gay myself, if anything, I'd just love her even more. Because that's one more thing we have in common.
"Why would I hate you? It's not like I'm homophobic, I would be a hypocrite to even hate you, when I'm gay myself" I shook my head thinking how stupid it would be to hate her, she's my best friend, I would never hate her, even if she hurt me to the point where I'd hate myself, I would never hate her. She's too important to me. She turned to me and smiled slightly, regret and sorrow was written all over her face. Like she was about to say something that would hurt me even more.
"Because, I knew you liked me Kate. At the time, I was afraid of that because I wasn't ready for it, I was still confused a little about everything, I didn't want to hurt you, because I knew you liked me, and if pretending I'm straight would allow you to forget about me, and continue your life then I did it for that reason. I'm so sorry, I wasn't ready to be with anyone, and I didn't want people finding out my secret, or knowing I had feelings for a girl. It was too much, I didn't know how to date a girl, I was afraid of everything." She shook her head, opened her mouth and then shut it again. Wait...feelings for someone? Did she like another girl, is that why she didn't tell me, because she had feelings for someone else, and she didn't want to hurt me.
"Every day, I would tell myself it's ok, that I should tell you everything, but I kept thinking about how I would lose you. Truth is, at the time I had feelings for you, and I was still confused about everything. When you told me you were gay, I was shocked, because I knew that was the chance to tell you I was too. But I was too afraid, because everything made sense right then. I realized you liked me more than a friend, I realized that I may have liked you too, but I was selfish, because I didn't want people to know. But I also didn't want you to know, because it would change our friendship. What if we did become a couple? What if we broke up after a while because it didn't work out? Everything would change, it wouldn't be the same and that's what I was afraid of Kate. I'm sorry, I should have told I know, I hate myself for not telling you and standing by as everyone said mean things to you, and pretending like, it didn't affect me too. Because it did, whatever they said to you was basically about me as well, but I just didn't say anything. I'm sorry." She finished as a tear escaped her eyes, and one escaped mine too. Man, today has been too emotional, I've got to stop crying, it's like a freaking soap opera come to life.
So she had feelings for me? Ok, I get why she didn't want to lose me, because if we broke up everything would be different, I get that. But why didn't she just tell me that, instead of ignoring her feelings and allowing me to push away mine? My thoughts abruptly stopped as I felt her hand slide over mind and tighten around it. I looked up to see her eyes wet from the tears, her lips trembling, and a tear, about escape her eyes. However, I made sure it didn't as I reached up to her eye and brushed it away with my thumb, watching as she smiled slightly, but was then replaced by the same frown.
I smiled too, showing her that I forgive her, but a part of me wanted to know more. She was my best friend and i knew that's the way it was always meant to be. Maybe she was right in not telling me.
"Thanks, for telling me everything. I shouldn't have run out on you like that, I was just confused and upset over the fact that you had lied to me. But I forgive you, as long as you don't lie to me again?" She smiled as she nodded her head quickly, hugging me tightly as I smiled back.
Her hug felt warm and loving, it was something I needed at this present time. Something that made me feel warm inside, like this was what I was missing all along. I pulled away slightly and looked into her eyes. My smile grew as she stuck her tongue out. I knew what she was going to do next, but I was way ahead of her. I grabbed the pillow beside me and attacked her with it, watching as she laughed and told me to stop. She grabbed another pillow and repeated my movements, hitting me with it softly and laughing as I pouted slightly.
"Thanks Kate, I don't know what I would have done if you didn't forgive me. I would have died a little." She admitted, her frown returning to her face, I didn't want her to be upset, i liked people being happy and lively. I hugged her once more before hitting her again with the pillow, watching as the smile crept onto her face again.
Before we could finish this fight, I heard a thud on the floor downstairs. I panicked and jumped off the bed, running to the door, opening it and heading downstairs. Last time I heard a bang like that, my mother was passed out on the floor, she had to go to the hospital. I heard footsteps behind me as I reached the bottom of the stairs; I knew Sophie was following me. Sophie knew everything about my life, so she knew what my mother was like and how she was when it came to drinking or being sick all the time. She was even there before when she passed out, she helped men call an ambulance and take her to the hospital.
As I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs, I ran into the kitchen, to find my mother standing by the table, near her foot was broken plate, pieces of it was smashed all over the floor. I shook my head, I thought she was hurt again; I walked in all the way and gave a questionable look. But all she did was sit there staring into thin air, I think I really hurt her, I've never seen her so upset, and...distant.
After what seemed like forever, I watched as Sophie walked past me and grabbed a broom, sweeping up the broken pieces on the floor. I thanked her quietly as I stared at my mother, her face was pale, her eyes looked tired and her body seemed weak. I hated seeing her like this; it pained me to watch her fade away, slowly because of her problem. She wasn't a bad mother, even though she did drink, she always looked after me. Every chance she got she would make sure I'm happy, by buying me the things I needed, or trying to talk to my father about giving me spending money as she couldn't afford it. I hated her for drinking, but I couldn't hate her as a person, she was the best mum in the world, despite all that. She was the only mum I would ever have.
When Sophie had finished, I was still staring at my mother, pain was evident on her face, and it was on mine too. Sophie walked up to me slowly and stood beside me, watching as I didn't even blink, or move once.
"Speak to her, I'll be in your room" She said, as she touched my shoulder slightly, and then walked back upstairs. I didn't want to speak to my mum, knowing she probably wouldn't listen. But I guess I have to sort things out between us, I shouldn't have said those things to her, even if it were true, I shouldn't have hurt her, or called her a bad mother. I had no right to treat her that way.
I walked up to the table hesitantly, but then sat down next too her, her gaze still drifting off into nothing but the air.
"Mom, I'm sorry for the things I said, I didn't mean it, I was just angry and upset, today hasn't been the best day and I shouldn't have taken it out on you." She blinked a couple time and then turned to face me, her eyes were red and puffy from crying. I feel really bad right now.
"I love you mum, I wouldn't trade you for anything, I just wish you would notice me more, I wish dad would too. I hate feeling alone through all this, I just want you to stop drinking so much, and spend more time with me. I miss you mum" A tear escaped my eye as I continued. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, I know you're hurting too and I shouldn't have called you a bad mother. Because that's not true, you're an amazing mother, the best a child could get. Yes, I'm angry because you drink, but I couldn't ever call you a bad mother, because you do make me happy and make me laugh with your silly jokes, and your funny dances when we dance together. I love you mom, and I'm sorry." I smiled faintly, as I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, but all she did was sit there and look at me with sadness in her eyes. I sighed and walked away, making my way back upstairs. I've hurt her and now I feel like crap.
I opened my bedroom door and smiled as I saw Sophie on the bed, eating, what looked to me like, skittles. I heard music play on the TV as I shut the door, she had put a film on, and by the looks of it, and the music playing, it was a horror film.
"You know me too well' I laughed, as I sat down next to her and stole a couple of skittles from her packet. She Moaned with her mouth full and pulled them away, laughing as I pouted. When she finished chewing on some of them, she shook her head smiling at me.
"Yeah, because you're like my twin, you like everything I like, and keep your hands of my skittles" She glared at me playfully and then turned to watch the movie. I leaned into the pillow behind me getting comfortable and smiled. That was true, we liked everything the same, and horror movies were one of them. She knew me too well, and I liked that. I guess she was better off as a best friend, I couldn't handle the thought of losing her of over some silly, little feelings I used to have. Before I could get any more comfy, she leaned into me and laid her head on my shoulder. Still shoving skittles into her mouth as the movie was just about to start.
My heart thumped in my chest, I think she could hear it because she smiled even more as he head rested on my chest, as she was now sat in-between my legs: her back to my chest, and my legs on either side of her. I ignored my heart, and lay my head in the crook of her neck, watching as the title 'Paranormal Activity' displayed on the TV. I shook my head; she was into ghost films, just like I was. Even though we got scared over horror films, we still loved them.
"So, did you speak to your mum?" She asked, as I stole some more skittles and laughing as she pulled them away again.
"Yeah" I mumbled, not wanting to talk about it. "Lets watch the movie, i like this one." She nodded her head and went silent. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, I just hope nothing else bad happens, or I'll officially break down. I smiled into her neck and watched the movie. Sophie was my best friend; I guess that's the way it's supposed to be.