"... Cause I'm somebody's dolly, when a lover's near
But tend to crumble slowly when they disappear...
...
Cause he's not the problem.
The problem is you think you're only viable for love when someone makes you feel complete.
You're a diamond
Wish you could see you the way I see.
You can't blossom if you keep growing gardens out of weeds...."
✿✧✿✧✿
Chapter Sixty-Four: The Plant and The Sun.
"Are you serious? You're actually going for it?" Susan asked me with a big grin just as I was about to go into the office Dr. Malachi said we'd use.
"Don't get weird, I'm not even sure yet..." I hushed her. "Hopefully, I don't take too long-"
"Take as much time as you need, we're not anywhere till you're done okay?" Annie assured me, touching my arm.
"Besides, some of the guys are waiting behind to just chill and stuff." Susan gestured vaguely over her shoulder. "There's ping pong and foosball and...you know, so we won't be bored."
"That's very good." Dr. Malachi nodded, tapping a pen on the clipboard he was looking at before giving me a smile. He had put on a pair of round reading glasses which made him look a bit older. "Remember, if you'd rather join them than do this, that's also very alright."
Despite the nerves eating at me, I shook my head. "I already signed up for this so, might as well."
"See you soon." My friends waved and I shut the door.
The room was spacious, bright and there were a few potted plants in some corners which was actually good to know. The couch I sat on was definitely designed to make one sink into it and relax, but I could not for the life of me do that. Angelo's fidget ring made tiny chinky noises as I spun it over and over and over again...
"Miss Violet Adams, you said." Dr. Malachi said, lowering himself into the armchair across from mine while taking a few notes, before looking up at me, "Do you watch the news? There's a girl with the exact same name who's trying to sue the CEO of Feather Industries. That's all this town can talk about, it's cra- wait..."
I stiffened.
Oh come on, I'd thought everyone here knew I was on the news but just collectively decided not to bring it up, you know, to be nice.
"You won't happen to be that Violet Adams would you?" Dr. Malachi asked, blinking widened green eyes.
"You're not very good with faces are you?" I asked quietly.
"Oh my." He leaned back into his seat, watching me, "It's a good thing you came around then, do you wish to start our discussion from that point-?"
"No." I shook my head. "No. No I don't."
"Alright, we can talk about something else, what else is on your mind that troubles you?"
I looked up at him but immediately darted my eyes to my lap and my hands. "I don't know..."
"Ah." He nodded. "I understand, if you want to just sit and process, we can do that too. This is a safe space."
"Even if it takes the whole session?" I asked and giggled slightly when he pulled at his sweatshirt and playfully puffed out a breath.
"On second thought, would you like me to ask some questions to start a conversation since you don't know where to begin?" He asked, kindly.
I could work with that, "Yes please..." I nodded.
"Alright, Miss Violet, what do you feel like you struggle with the most, is it insecurity, sadness or anger?"
"Definitely anger." I blurted, keeping my eyes down before looking out the big window on the right where it was starting to snow slightly again, "Sadness too if I'm being honest...."
"Do you find yourself being angry in public? For instance if someone bumps you in the supermarket or..."
"No I don't. It's an internal kind of anger, I won't let it out at strangers, but people that I care about, my parents and friends, I guess?" I rubbed my neck and sighed, "Actually my attitude changed when my boyfriend and I took a break." I admitted.
"Ah, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, how long has it been since you both decided to take a break?" Dr. Malachi asked and I looked up, he looked genuinely interested in what I had to say.
"It's been two months... and that is not what I had in mind when I requested for a break I just-" I tossed my hands up and leaned back into the seat, "I just wanted to take care of my mental health, because I have this thing where I- Anyway I just wanted a few weeks but he went the extra mile I guess."
"Did he give you a reason for this?"
"He said he had business to take care of in New York. He's Heather Frances-Sullivan's son after all, he's the one who has to take charge of Feather Industries now. And I know it's not wrong for him to leave but I can't help but feel... terrible."
"Don't worry, Miss Violet, we can work out how you feel together, that way you'll have a better grasp on your emotions, okay?"
"Can't wait." I sighed.
He looked down at his clipboard, "So you mentioned taking care of your mental health." He said and looked at me, "that's a good choice. How has it been since the break?"
"Horrible." I said, turning my hands to fists, "Nothing's changed, I'm still the way he left me. I keep getting nightmares of what happened with Franca. The only time I feel alright is when I'm hanging out with Susan and Annie, but when it's just me I feel like I'm going to fall apart."
"I'm really sorry to hear that, and I'm glad you've decided to take this step forward, it might seem small but what matters is you keep trying." He said, "No matter what happens, even if you can't see any progress right away, it's still there."
"I guess..."
Dr. Malachi smiled slightly before grabbing the bowl full of candy on the stool next to him, "You're doing great. So far so good you haven't walked out on our session. Candy?"
I hesitantly reached forward to take a grape lollipop. "People do that?"
"You'd be surprised." He shifted his glasses over his nose bridge, "Now Miss Violet, these feelings you've had the past two months, do you think they are as a result of the incident with the Frances family?"
Slowly I nodded, twirling the lollipop between my fingers, "It's not just the incident. There's been so many things going on with them for... almost all my life actually."
"Do you want to tell me what these things would be? It would help me understand where you're coming from much better."
"I figured I'd have to do this eventually." I sighed.
"You don't have to if you're not ready." He assured me, but I felt he already knew I would.
So I did. I told him how it all started on a stupid crush on a supid boy like the stupid girl I was, how his mom came into the play, how she threatened me when I wanted to call it quits, how I only escaped them after they'd done nearly irreparable damage. I told him everything, even the details of the incident at their mansion, the story people only knew half of and most importantly, I told him about Angelo.
"...I know it's probably irrational but I can't help myself, I can bring myself to say it, because I don't know if I actually love him or if I'm just being stupid all over again." I said. "The whole concept, the thin line between love, obsession and just plain seeing what you want to see despite the actual thing being obvious is just messing me up. So I don't want to go back to Angelo until I'm sure of what I actually feel, he deserves that at least."
Dr. Malachi took a deep, and honestly a bit troubled sigh. He seemed to have aged five years older after hearing all that I went through.
It wasn't my fault he was such a good listener, but I guessed it was all pretty horrific to an outsider. There was nothing I could do about that though, these were the monsters I lived with, they'd made a home in my life.
"Miss Violet..." Dr. Malachi said, stunned. He took off his glasses, wiped and put them back on, blinking severally. "Well I apologize for my loss of words, I'm just amazed that you are only just coming to seek help, but also very grateful that you have. You never should have gone through any of that."
I shook my head, "No it served me right, I was dumb-" I paused. "Yeah, Angelo would have hated hearing me say that."
"I have to agree with him. Anyone can make a mistake as simple as picking the wrong partner, would you say they deserve the way that partner would treat them?"
"No but-" I cut off tiredly. "Okay so what do I do? How do I get back to being normal?"
"Normal? Miss Violet, in everything you have narrated today, the only normal person seems to be you and perhaps Mr. Sullivan." He sighed and steepled his fingers as he elaborated. "All your reactions to your situation are completely understandable and to be expected, they show that something is wrong somewhere and you have refused to live with it."
"Oh." I said, "okay...how do I get better? I want to love someone without feeling afraid of heartbreak. I can't take another Hale."
"I understand, has Mr. Sullivan given you any reason to doubt him?" Dr. Malachi asked, "it could be your subconsciousness telling you something's up somewhere."
Leaning back into my seat, I thought about his question long and hard. Even after the incident and the whole display we had after it, I still believed him. "My opinion might be biased, but according to how I feel now, I trust him with my life, Sir." I confessed.
Dr. Malachi nodded, looking at the clipboard in his hands "Biased... You feel like if you could blindly fall for Hale, you can fall for anyone. Do you think you fell for Mr. Sullivan because he was the only one available when you were at your lowest?"
For the hundredth time this session, tears stung my eyes. "Oh God, what if that's it?" My mouth trembled, but I quickly squeezed my eyes shut, and forced the tears back before Dr. Malachi could offer me the tissues that he'd kept reaching for but I never got to use. "Well that would be absolute crap."
"It doesn't have to be the main reason, it could be one of the many." Dr. Malachi said before raising a brow. "That is if you can list many..."
Was that a challenge? "Of course I can, he's kind, he's generous, he cares about people around him despite how hard he tries to seem like he doesn't, he gave Susan a camera so she could start a blog, he became friends with my friends even though they were probably annoying, he knew Annie didn't like him for the longest time but he was never mean to her back, he's good at wrapping people around his little finger charming everyone immediately, he's such a good judge of character, observant, even my cat loves him, he's cared for me in ways that I don't even care about myself, he's determined and brave and strategic and patient, he loves his family so much he's always willing to go the extra mile, he..." I paused and immediately turned the colour of a beetroot when I realized just how down bad I probably sounded.
To make matters worse, Dr. Malachi was smiling at me. "Miss. Violet, what do you think true love is?"
I gulped. "A strong attraction...?" I immediately felt disappointed by my own answer because love was definitely more than that, but I couldn't think about anything fitting at the moment.
"Alright, get your coat if you don't mind, we're going outside." Mr. Malachi stood up, putting his clipboard on the desk.
"Uhhh okay." I said and followed him out, noticing the little, empty flower pot he grabbed on the way.
There was a layer of snow over the front of the church and a few naked trees. Across the street, some kids were having a snowball fight.
Dr. Malachi toed the ground a few times, searching for something, then he went on his knees to look better.
I leaned over him, "Uh... do you need help-?"
"Aha!" He shouted and I jumped back, startled. "A stick." He showed it to me.
"Uhhh... Is this still therapy, Sir?" I had to ask.
The man chuckled, taking off his glasses and folding them. "Yes, Miss Violet, just trust me for a moment. The sun." He said and gestured all around us.
I looked at the sky. It was winter. "There is no sun."
"Yeah there is, you just can't see it." He said.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Are you going to talk to me about God?"
He raised a finger in protest only to pause. "Can I?"
"That would be a major diversion from the topic at hand."
"Fair enough." He said, "pretend it's Summer then, and the sun is out for all to see it."
"Alright." I nodded. "It's sunny."
Mr. Malachi crouched down in the snow, bringing the white flower pot out of his pocket. "Join me."
I crouched down opposite him, wondering what the heck was happening.
"The sun is the reason we're alive." He said, shifting aside heaps of snow to reveal the earth underneath "it's the reason we're still alive, it is why we have trees, food, even electricity can come from it. Without the sun, we would die."
"Right." I said, watching him scoop some soil into the pot with his bare hands, I decided to help out before he froze his fingers off.
"The sun is especially important for plants, it helps with transpiration, photosynthesis, you know the works, it's what makes the plant blossom, as the branches grow, they reach for the sun, like Icarus." He said, then when the pot was full enough, he stuck the stick into the soil and plopped the pot in my hands.
"Poetic." I said dryly, holding it away from myself. I was still confused, but I was more than willing to hear him out.
"Now imagine you took that flower pot and placed it just as it is in the most intense, wonderful sunlight there is, what do you think would happen to this thing?" Dr. Malachi asked me, poking the stick with his finger.
"Uh, nothing, it's just a stick."
"Yes." He said, "it doesn't have roots, it has no leaves, no one's watering it, it won't know how to handle the sun, it might just dry up even, the sun would kill it, that's if it doesn't already count as dead. Does that make the sun... bad?"
I shook my head as he stood up and helped me to my feet too. "No... the problem isn't the sun, it's the plant or whatever."
"That's the same thing with love." Dr. Malachi gestured around. "The sun is love in this scenario, love is the reason we're alive, love is the force that binds us all together, love makes us hope, it is what keeps us going everyday, wether it's love for a thing, for ourselves, for someone, somewhere, in any shape or form it's still love.
"This plant represents a person or a relationship, it needs love to function. The roots can be where we come from, our background, the people we go back to when we can't rely on ourselves, the leaves are how we fend for ourselves, how independent we are and the water is external support, from friends, community, the good advice we practice, the morals that support our decisions, without one of these, the others are pointless."
"I see what you mean." I muttered, staring at the flowerpot.
"Now, let's take the first scenario, Mr. Frances, Hale. He sounds like he could be just like this plant." Dr. Malachi said, "No roots, his parents didn't function properly, his father, the poor man, was under his tyrants mother's thumb and his mother was a murderer, that's not a very strong foundation to grow upon, not a solid background. He never got the right amount of water, the people surrounding him flooded him with fake affections according to what you've told me, they all seemed to be as lost as him."
I nodded, licking my lips as he continued speaking, it was quite chilly out but I didn't mind. "Worst of all, his leaves were...deformed, he couldn't find love on his own, he needed someone to love him for him. And you tried, you did what he wanted, you gave him all that affection, your time, you made him all those coffees too, but it was all a waste, he didn't have the right resources to handle such a powerful thing, so he messed it all up and look where he is now."
"Yes, except I didn't love... Hale...." I muttered and looked up at him, "You're saying I loved him?"
"Just because you loved a horrible person doesn't make it less love. The problem isn't with you." Dr. Malachi explained, "Love, the truest, purest, most beautiful kind will always be love, a natural, renewable resource, all that matters is what we do with it- oh here have this." He quickly had to bring out a handkerchief because before he even finished his sentence I was sobbing so hard some snot escaped my nose.
I couldn't hold it back, all the emotions of the past few weeks bubbled up to the surface at once, pouring out through my eyes in uncontrollable waves. I felt horrible and relieved all at once and I had no idea a combination like that could even exist so I cried some more.
"I'm sorry-" I tried to say to Dr. Malachi when he pat my back comfortingly, "I'm sorry- I can't seem to stop..."
"Crying is a great way to release stress, do as much of it as you want." He said, "I was afraid you were going to keep choking tears back all session, it looked rather painful if you ask me."
"It was," I nodded, chuckling lightly, only to burst into more.
Eventually we had to go back into the office because the kids across the street were starting to wonder what was up with me.
By the time I got a little more hold of myself, I felt like I'd just arrived from winning a battle, tired but freed!
"So Miss Violet, I hope that you remember to keep loving." Dr. Malachi said, "we have to just hope for the best sometimes, and try to pick ourselves up when things don't go the way we want. Disappointments cannot weigh us down."
"I'll remember," I gave him a watery smile, saying my goodbye for now as Susan and Annie waited for me by Pedro's monster truck. "My parents are going to flip when I tell them about today. Thank you, Dr. Malachi."
"Be grateful for them, they're trying. You also have great friends, all you need is your leaves." He placed the flowerpot in my hands, empty this time. "For when you decide to grow something."
I definitely started bawling again and this time, I hugged him. It was probably against therapist protocols or something but heck, he even hugged me back.
"If you need someone to talk to, you know where to come, or you can text me. Either way works. God bless you, Violet." He said and I nodded, waving one more time before jogging off to my friends.
"Violet!" They squealed, letting me run into their arms.
"You look so happy!"
"Your eyes are kind of puffy but you know what? You still pull it off."
"Thank you and... thank you? Let's just go, okay? I've had an epiphany." I laughed.
We scrambled into Pedro's very high vehicle like little kids and I immediately brought out my phone, my heart pounding like a hundred drums.
"Guys I'm gonna text him."
"What!?" Susan and Annie yelled.
"Whoa, my ears." Pedro said from the driver's seat.
"I'm going to do it, I finally understand what I want." I looked up at them and they grinned.
"We should have dragged you to therapy ages ago." Annie bounced excitedly.
"If you're talking about Angelito, tell him to come for our send off party okay? It's next tomorrow." Pedro called to the back.
When I had to search for Angelo's name, I realized why he never texted or called me the whole two months.
"Guys I...I forgot to unblock him." I stuttered.
Annie and Susan froze, looked at each other then stared at me.
I wanted to die of shame.
"I literally blocked him everywhere.... And the whole time I thought he....I didn't realize I didn't-" I groaned and slid down the seat in mortification. "UGHHHH!!!"
"So you're telling me you could have gotten back together ages ago!?" Susan screamed, looking down at me.
Annie sighed, pinching her nose bridge, "Girl, just unblock him and tell him 'hey' for God's sake. Let's get this over with."
"I can't just text hey, I need a kind of peace offering, a white flag or something." I thought about it.
"Woman, if you don't-!"
"Okay okay I'm sending a message!"
So I sent the first sticker that came to my mind.
A//N: IM LITERALLY SCREAMING FOR JOY!!! (In my mind) The last obstacle has been breached, it's not a drill! It's all good things from here on out, baby! Ugh I'm so happy.
Rhodes.