As soon as my mother reached out, Leati confirmed he'd be here this weekend. Apparently, he reorganized his schedule so that he could spend all of Saturday with Lili. She's so nervous, she's cleaned her room five times in the last two days.
As much as I don't particularly like her father, I'm glad this is happening. I clearly remember having conversations with him about wanting a family. A big one of his own. The memory of Leati Anoa'i telling me he only wants my kids mocks me regularly. He didn't want me at all.
That's the fucking kicker in all of this. It's the question that keeps me up at night sometimes, and that pisses me off. Why didn't he want me? Why was it so easy to walk away? To stay away, if he really loved me. And that's a big if. There's so much resentment and pain and anger in my heart directed towards him, I don't know how it didn't all explode when he stood in front of me.
Just looking at him made my heart shatter into a million pieces that tore at my skin and left me bleeding from a million little wounds that he caused. The pain a black hole that threatened to swallow me whole again. I can't break down, I can't feel that pain, I can't let the emotions control me. There is someone else who needs to be the center of my attention and hold all of my focus. She's the only one whose emotions count. I have to watch out for her heart because she loves so hard and I don't want them to hurt her the way they hurt me.
"Mom, are you sure this is okay?" Lilinoe asked as she hugged me.
"Yes, I am. We already talked about this." I smiled, sensing her nerves.
"I know, but you're so stressed and tense. We can change this to a different day, time, and place."
"Lili, feeling nervous is totally fine, you don't have to pretend to be super happy or even pretend to like them. Respect is earned but you will not disrespect them either.
"I won't." she nervously stated.
"Look at me, if you really want to cancel, we can, and they'll just have to understand." I told her.
"I don't ... no, I don't want to cancel. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"This isn't about me but I appreciate your concern. I want this for you and him, I want you to have a relationship with him. A good one because at one point, I had a good relationship with him too."
"Did you love him?"
"I loved him with everything I had in me to love someone." I sighed softly.
"Could you ..."
Her next train of thought was interrupted by multiple car doors slamming shut outside. By the look on her face, I know that my daughter's heart is racing the same way that mine is. Just the thought of Leati being in my house after all of this time is bringing me intense discomfort but I have to stick it up.
"You got this, Lili." I told my daughter, hugging her again.
"I got this." She muttered under her breath.
"You want me to answer?" I asked.
"Yes, please." She whispered.
"Behind me or in the living room?"
"Behind you." She responded, grabbing onto the back of my shirt.
We waited nervously for about 30 seconds before the doorbell rang and echoed throughout the house. I waited an extra 10 seconds for Lili's hands to stop shaking before turning away from her. Then, I turned back to her with a change of plans in mind.
"Lilinoe, go to the kitchen with your Grandmother."
"What? Why?"
"I want to talk to them first, please baby, do this for me." I said softly.
"Okay." She sighed.
She walked away and I took a deep breath before opening the door. Leati stood there shifting from foot to foot with two bouquets in his hand. There is no denying that he's even more handsome now than he was before. He's definitely thicker than he was as a teen and he fills out a lot more now. He's almost as wide as my doorway. His eyes widened when he saw me and softened immediately.
"You are so gorgeous." he said, reaching out with his free hand.
Before he could touch my cheek, I stepped back, away from him. He froze in his spot and sighed before dropping his hand.
"I'm sorry ... these are for you." he said, holding out a bouquet of calla lilies.
"Thank you ... you remembered." I smiled.
"I could never forget." he stated.
"Come in, all three of you." I said, including his mother and father who were behind him.
"Where's ..."
"We need to talk first." I interrupted Leati.
"Of course." he sighed, a little deflated.
They followed me into the living room, Leati sat on the arm chair, slightly dwarfing it, while his parents sat on the sofa, leaving me in the love seat. It works out perfectly.
"You said we need to talk." he said.
"Lili is ... anxious about meeting you." I told him.
"That's understandable, she's heard a lot." Sika said.
"She has, good and bad, and that fostered some of the anger in her. Anger that I didn't see because we barely talked about you." I said, ignoring the accusation.
"Good and bad?" Patricia asked.
"Yeah, on the rare occasion that she asked about you, I would tell her stories of when things were good. She'd never say it out loud but she wanted - wants - those moments with you, with her father."
"Why won't she say it out loud?" Leati asked.
"Because she thinks it'll hurt me for her to admit that she wants a dad. It's only been us and my mom for so long. There were many times when I doubted if I was enough, if I was giving her what she needed. So many times where I debated trying to reach out to you again ..."
"But you didn't, why didn't you?" he asked and I could hear the pain in his voice.
"I didn't want to feel that arrow shoot through my heart again when I looked you up and couldn't find you. All of you blocked me everywhere and I tried to look for you, I tried up until she was five. The last time I looked for you was the day of her fifth birthday, I was gonna send you a picture of her and tell you but I couldn't. Tamina could still see you though, I asked her to check for me, and just by the look on her face I knew. I was the only one blocked, mom too, and that's when I knew that I had to stop trying. That's when I decided to give her all that I had, all that I am, because I'm all that she had." I sniffled.
"Kailani ..." Patricia started to say.
"I don't know how we can say we're sorry to make you believe it." Sika sighed.
"It doesn't matter how you say it, I still don't believe it. You're not sorry, it's guilt that you missed out on so much and ..."
"No. I am sorry. Sorry that I left the way that I did, that we did. Sorry that I blocked you everywhere. Sorry that I made you go through a pregnancy alone. So fucking sorry that I wasn't there when you gave birth. So fucking sorry that you ever doubted yourself as a mother. I've been looking into you more now." Leati admitted.
"Not surprising." I sighed.
"I looked into Lilinoe, her schooling, extracurricular activities, looked for anything I could get of the two of you. She seems amazing."
"She is amazing." I whispered, trying not to cry.
"She's smart, so fucking smart ... she's a good person, kind, caring just like her mother and grandmother. She's talented, athletic, and artistic. You did all of that without me ... without us. You did that and she couldn't have turned out better."
"You don't even know her." I argued.
"But I know you and I've always known you would be the best mother." he said softly.
"Her friends all speak praises of her and that's because of the morals you've instilled in her from day one. Everyone we asked had nothing but good things to say about her. You are an amazing mother." Patricia insisted.
"Thank you." I whispered as the first tear fell.
"Please don't cry ... it kills me." Leati muttered, leaning forward in his chair.
I leaned back, leaned away, and I saw the pain flash in his eyes again. This can't happen, I won't let it happen, I can't fall in his trap again. I wiped the unshed tears away and sat up straight again. Seeing them here is still more than a little shocking to me but such is life and now, ours is changing.
"Lili wants a dad, she deserves a dad, one who'll stay in her life." I told him.
"I have no intention of leaving." Leati said.
"You'll excuse me if I don't particularly believe that statement coming from you."
"Kailani, we're here to stay. Leati is going to take over as tribal chief and we'll all be staying here now. We're home." Sika said.
"Lili isn't a political ploy ..."
"I'd never do that to her or to you." Leati growled.
"I guess we'll just have to see. Leati ... promise me you won't hurt her or let her down. Promise me you'll be the dad you always said you wanted to be." I pleaded, feeling the tears flood my eyes once more.
I watched him get up and walk around the small coffee table. He kneeled on the floor in front of me and took my small hands in his large ones, kissing the backs and then my palms.
"I swear on my life, on my ancestors, that I will not hurt our daughter, I will not let her down. By everything in me, Kailani, I will prove to you that you can trust her with me. I will prove to you that you can trust me too, in due time." he stated and that deep timbre in his voice made my knees weak, thankfully I'm already sitting down.
"You don't have to worry about me." I whispered.
"But I will and I'll hope that in time, you can believe in my word again." he insisted, kissing my knuckles once more before going back to the chair.
"Sika, Patricia ..."
"We promise, Lani, to protect her and give her all of the love she deserves. All of the love that we should've been giving her for the past 12 years." Patricia said with tears in her eyes.
"I'll be right back." I sighed, walking out of the room and into the kitchen.
"I love you, mom." Lili said, rushing over to hug me.
"I love you too, baby. So much."
I took her face in my hands, looking down at the beauty that Leati and I created. This wonder of a child that finally gets to meet her dad.
"Are you ready?" Mom asked her, placing her hand on her shoulders.
"No." she said, her bottom lip trembling a little.
"Take your time, they're here for you." I smiled at her.
"Okay, I ... I'm ready." she said as she hugged me around my waist.
My baby is growing and now, she can hopefully, finally feel complete.