Intro:
In Blackwater Woods was written by accioweasleys-. It is a Harry Potter fanfic that follows the protagonist, Elspeth, on a very dark journey that can get violent at times. It is a study of PTSD through various means such as ghosts and even horror set pieces that will get the audience to squirm in their seats.
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Long Feedback:
I like how you didn't pull any punches and weren't scared to go dark. Like describing how Elspeth heard her mom's head crack on the wood. That was horrifying and left a strong impression for the rest of the story.
In general, I like how you really gave this narrative a sense of horror and wonder where the audience is left wondering what's going to happen next. I don't think I've seen any HP fanfics go this dark and mature with its subject matter, which is a good thing. It means the narrative stands out from the rest of the fanfics and tries to do something very unique.
I felt awful for Elspeth and wanted to wrap her in a tight blanket and never let her go. She's a super sympathetic character that the audience will cheer for only one chapter into the story. The way you use her as a vessel for the mental illnesses you want to make commentary on was very engaging.
Speaking of, the presence of PTSD is intriguing. Okay, this is gonna make me sound like a psychopath, but I love PTSD. Hang on, hang on, let me explain myself!!! I like it in the sense that it's such a fascinating mental condition that has many layers and complexities. I myself have written many stories featuring it, and it's something that I always enjoy reading about as long as it's written correctly, and you did it justice by writing about it accurately.
You handle these sensitive topics with care and maturity, which makes the story even better. I really like how you went about the mature side of the story and weren't scared to show it to its fullest extent. I think it'll do a good job raising awareness and educating others on the issue in an engaging way.
There are many times you don't have end punctuation for your dialogue. For example: "He had just finished his healer training, he trained under my niece"
There's no period/full stop there, but there needs to be to make it a complete sentence.
This is a little nitpicky, but it is something to consider: you use a lot of dashes. Unless there's dialogue, almost every paragraph has a dash, and sometimes there are dashes in dialogue too. Sometimes you use two to three dashes in only five sentences, meaning over half of the paragraph is structured with dashes.
For example, I'm counting paragraphs as anything longer than two lines (so 3+ lines). From chapter three alone, 13/20 paragraphs have dashes in them. That's more than half the chapter, and I'm pretty sure there are even more in chapters 1 and 2. Chapter 4 is a little better but I still counted 15 paragraphs with dashes out of about 35 paragraphs.
I hope when I break it down like that, it makes more sense why it became a little much to see dashes in more than half the chapter, sometimes back-to-back and sometimes multiple times per paragraph.
For that reason, I would suggest playing around with your sentence structure more and seeing if you can remove some dashes. There's nothing inherently wrong with dashes, though I would still suggest not overusing them so the sentence structure stays fresh.
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Summary:
- The horror-like side of the story is awesome
- Mature topics are handled with maturity and intrigue
- Elspeth is someone I was rooting for; she makes for a good protagonist
- The writing itself is tonally consistent and has overall good word choice
- Make sure to use end punctuation for dialogue
- Consider using less dashes
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Overall:
In Blackwater Woods is a horror-like Harry Potter fanfic that covers dark, mature topics in visceral ways. It is not for the faint of heart, but I believe it has a powerful message with powerful representation of mental illness. If you're someone who enjoys reading about darker topics such as PTSD, then I strongly recommend In Blackwater Woods to you.
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Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews!