ACT THREE, chapter forty—six :
i don't want your money
i don't want your crown
see, i've come to burn your kingdom down
ϟ
[trigger warnings — brief depictions of non—con touching]
Hagrid was back!
The Golden Quartet giddily raced each other down the hill, shoes slipping in the dewey grass, shouting and laughing, shoving at each other, nearly falling on their faces. The mood didn't carry once they reached the bottom of the slope.
Through the door, they could hear Umbridge already harassing the half—giant and he'd barely been back five minutes, and when they were finally allowed into the hut, they saw Hagrid's face all beaten and bruised. Their friend had apparently spent the last term trying to recruit the giants to join the Light, and while it was unclear yet if he'd succeeded. The Death Eaters were trying to recruit them too.
Who knew what side anyone would be on when the war finally began?
"It's changing out there. Just like last time."
When thunder rumbled in the not—so—far distance, Hagrid limped to the cracked window, drawing them all with him like a magnetic force.
"There's a storm coming. We'd all best be ready when she does."
ϟ
Lili was vomiting.
Her first meeting with the Headmaster of the year had taken a drastic turn, and she was brewing with a mixture of hot anticipation and excruciating fear. Her head was hanging low, the sick twisting of nerves growing more intense with each heartbeat. She wrapped her arms tightly round her stomach and leant over her knees to sick up all over the Headmaster office's floor. Again.
"For f—ck's sake, child..."
Severus looked mildly disgusted even as he banished the mess, conjured a glass, and filled it with a quick 'Aguamenti'. Her throat burnt with bile and her mouth tasted absolutely horrid, but these things were quickly soothed by the charmed water and the fresh green mint that Lili hadn't even meant to grow from her right palm. Still, she popped the leaves into her mouth and forced herself to chew.
In her other hand was the crumpled morning's edition of The Daily Prophet.
MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN
'BE VIGILANT!' SAYS MINISTER
When she finally raised her head, Lili's eyes were naked with fear. She croaked, "Who was it?"
Severus and Dumbledore somehow resisted the urge for outward hysteria.
"A fair few," the Headmaster replied vaguely.
Her father sneered while he paced, "Do not treat her as one of your many fools, Albus, she's well aware 'mass breakout' implies more than 'a few'." With the old wizard looking only slightly chastised, Severus turned his stern attention back on Lili who waited with baited breath. "Nearly fifteen Death Eaters have escaped Azkaban, including Antonin Dolohov, Augustus Rookwood, and... Bellatrix Lestrange."
Lili felt the urge to retch again. Still, she needed answers through her tight and burning throat, "H—How did they manage it, then? They can't all Animagi like Sirius Black..."
"No." Severus' lips thinned, and he looked pale with anger. "According to the Dark Lord, they were assisted out of their cells with the help of the Dementor guards, who have now switched sides and are following him."
"I'm sure the Dark Lord is thrilled," Lili murmured bitterly, slouching back in her chair, covering her face with shaking hands.
Her father's face twisted when he spat, "Ecstatic. I have not seen him so happy since when he was last in power."
Oh, Merlin.
"While I will try," said Dumbledore from behind his grand desk, "I do not feel optimistic that this will be enough to persuade Cornelius of the truth about Lord Voldemort's return."
Both Snape's flinched at the taboo name.
"He won't like you telling him 'I told you so'," Lili added hoarsely.
The Headmaster dipped his head somewhat in acknowledgement. "Be that as it may. We can only hope that the wizarding community will become suspicious merely due to the fact that Cornelius can no longer provide satisfactory answers."
Severus snorted but said nothing.
They left not long after. With the familiar burn of the Galleon in her pocket, she knew it was time to go to a DA meeting, but her legs felt much like jelly and her stomach was still churning like on a stormy sea. Severus escorted Lili down the rotating steps and past the gargoyle in complete silence 'til he turned suddenly towards her.
"Are you all right?"
Lili's head jerked up, "What?"
Her father let out a tightly held breath.
"Are you still... distressed by the events that occurred this evening?" He massaged his forehead before pinching the bridge of his nose. "I understand this was very shocking development and given your history with... your mother, I would understand if—,"
Lili swallowed back the rising bile. "It's fine. I'll be fine."
Severus nodded, but he didn't stop staring at her. Lili wondered if she should walk away. But before she could do so, she startled when her father suddenly pulled her into a tight embrace. She remained shocked, arms limp by her sides, when he squeezed her for another few seconds, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. Then he pulled back and stared at her for another moment, looking as if he wanted to say something, but he never found the words. So, he released her arms and strode quickly away.
Lili stared after him for a moment, utterly bewildered, then frowned and went on her way. She was halfway up the moving staircase to the second floor when a familiar voice called from behind her:
"Lilium?"
The girl turned only partly, frowning at the sight of, "Draco."
The blond hurried up the last few steps that separated them, looking uncharacteristically disheveled. When he was only a few inches from her, he breathed out, "You... You were right."
Lili arched a mocking brow, "What was that?"
"Don't make me say it again." The teasing lilt was gone in an instant and his lips thinned, "Things are changing all the time. Following The Daily Prophet's recent article, everyone has realised it's getting dangerous out there, and I need to know how to fight for myself. So. I want to join your... your club. If the offer is still open."
Lili studied him for a long time before her lips twisted and she nodded, "Next week. You'll start then. All right?"
Draco nodded sternly, "All right."
Perhaps there was hope for Draco Malfoy, after all.
ϟ
These revels were sickening.
Severus buried himself so deep behind his Occlumency shields, he almost got lost there. That was fine with him, as long as it meant that he wasn't here. They'd burnt down a Muggle village, the scent of blood and sulfur heavy in the air, and it felt much like the old days of Severus' youth. Now the Death Eaters were dancing round the flames, drinking and cackling and casting curses at the few Muggles that survived.
The Dark Lord invited Lilium. Severus declined on her behalf.
He knew there would be consequences for that.
Raids and revels were occurring on a near weekly basis. Whether Wizarding Britain wanted to admit to the Dark Lord's return or not, it did not change the fact that the death toll was already rising steadily. The most ardent of the Dark Lord's critics from the last war were going missing, and Muggles were being slaughtered in the cover of darkness. Severus knew that the Ministry of Magic was struggling to keep the entire thing under wraps, and it was only a matter of time before the whole world — Muggle and Magical — knew of Lord Voldemort's return.
It was pure evil, and Severus was once more lost in the middle of it all.
"Ssseverusss." The Dark Lord's hiss drew his attention, beckoning him unwillingly closer. "Tell me: where is my most precious goddaughter? Did I not invite my little pet to tonight's festivities?"
Severus was sickened at the nickname, but not at all surprised by it.
Severus felt the stares of his many other Death Eaters, most watchful and relieved it was not them being called upon, but it was Bellatrix who looked most excited by his predicament, head cocked and body leant forward, eyes gleaming with malicious intent. It took all his effort to remain impassive under her mad gaze.
Face coolly blank, Severus stepped forward and his long robes billowed when he knelt and bowed his head in reverence. "You did, my Lord, but I did not think this display appropriate for one who had not yet reached their majority."
"Oh, you thought, did you?" The Dark Lord mockingly hissed while he swept to a stop before the man, "What good is a servant if he cannot follow even the most basic of orders?"
"I wish only to provide you with a most useful weapon, my Lord, as you once instructed me." Severus replied, keeping a sigh behind his clenched teeth, simply awaiting the consequences of his insolence. "So as to not distract her talents with a negative response to the repulsiveness of these Muggles."
And then:
"Crucio."
Severus dropped like a stone. He clenched his jaw tight, refusing to give into the urge to scream, while he writhed in agony for a full minute before the Dark Lord cancelled the spell. From above, he heard his master tsking in faux disapproval before a cold hand dug into his hair and yanked his head upward. Severus found himself eye—to—eye with the Dark Lord.
"If you weren't such an invaluable asset to me, Severus, I would not have been so merciful." The snake—like creature crooned before building to an enraged shout, spittle landing on Severus' cheek. "When I give orders, I expect to be obeyed! When I ask for Delphini's presence, I will have Delphini's presence! You will not keep her from me, am I understood?!"
"C—Certainly, m—my Lord," Severus managed, throat spasming rebelliously, making it hard to speak.
With a sneer of disgust, the Dark Lord tossed Severus' head back into the dirt before saying, "I hope this does not happen again, Severus."
"No, my Lord," Severus managed back, ashamed at how hoarse his voice sounded. "Forgive me."
"Hmm." The hem of his robes brushed against Severus' curled fingers, and he held his breath when he felt a long fingered hand stroke his head for an unbearably long moment. "Forgiven, Severus. Now, lie in the dirt and think about what you have done."
Of course. Why shouldn't Severus lie in the dirt? F—ck's sake. Started in the dirt, and ended in the dirt. He could very nearly hear his father now, 'F—ckin' full circle, eh, Sev'rus?'
Then, the Dark Lord was gone. When he heard the familiar crack that signalled Apparation, Severus allowed himself to get up. He held back a grunt when he pushed himself back to his feet and felt his face burn with humiliation when he casted a quick Scourgify to clean himself of dirt.
Then came a giggle, one Severus recognised.
As if this evening wasn't bad enough as it was.
Severus rolled up his dark eyes with a look of utter disinterest. Bellatrix was before him, standing nearly in the exact spot the Dark Lord had stood just moments before. She leant towards him — nearly intimately, face just inches away, lips far too close to his own. Her breath smelt of blood.
"The Dark Lord may think you're essential," she crooned out an irritating squeak, breath fluttering his lashes. "But I know what you are, Sevvy."
He sneered, "And what — pray tell — am I, Bella?"
"A ugly, despicable, kidnapping Half—Blood!"
"Oh, come now, Bellatrix." He tutted dryly, sarcasm dripping from his tone. "Don't tell me you're still bitter about that."
Pure chaotic rage ignited in her already mad eyes, and he silently smirked in the wake of it. Oh, how he dearly loved to toy with her. It was likely the only entertainment he could get after such a truly horrible evening.
"Where is my Delphini?"
"Lilium," he answered pointedly, "—Is hopefully sleeping at the current moment. Safe and sound within the walls of Hogwarts as she is, after all, still but a student... It seems to me that you've forgotten, Bellatrix, but that girl is of my design, I have shaped her. I won't allow you to take the credit."
Bellatrix hissed back in his face, practically baring her teeth at him while she screeched, "You might've gotten away with stealing her from me once, you filthy Half—Blood, but I refuse to allow you to keep her from me any longer! She's my daughter—!"
"No, she is mine!" Severus snarled viciously, looking positively wild with his sudden rage. "The Dark Lord entrusted her to me, and until the day he changes his mind, you will not get your bloody claws in her."
A cruel smirk twisted Bellatrix's ugly mouth, "We'll see..."
While she gleefully flounced away, he glared at her retreating figure until she Disapparated into nothingness. Closing his eyes, biting back a wince, Severus decided:
He needed a new plan.
ϟ
Humming some off—tune song of The Weird Sisters, Lili was minding her business, walking innocently down a corridor towards the greenhouses when a sudden hand gripped into her robe and tore her from the hall. The girl yelped, fought for balance, and then looked up to find herself being kidnapped by none other than her very own father.
She groaned, "Why doesn't everybody bloody do that?!"
Severus didn't respond, just proceeded to drag her along at his side, moving so fast it was hard to keep her feet beneath her. Face expressionless, dark eyes fixed on the distance, he was leading her to the dungeons, she realised, her feet knowing the way even without him guiding her.
"What's happenin'? Sev?"
Still, Severus said nothing. Lili shot him a few desperate glances but asked nothing more. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. When the father and daughter finally stormed into his office, a brew was started in a nearby cauldron and Lili recognised the irrefutable mud—like concoction instantly. She couldn't help her bewildered tone, though.
"Is that Polyjuice Potion?"
Her father didn't answer her question exactly, only rushed round his office to scoop the potion in a vial and then set it into a black leather satchel that he already had ready and waiting. "We will have you disguised and leaving Hogwarts within the hour."
Lili's mind couldn't catch up, head shaking slightly, "What?"
"Pack whatever you may need. I've gathered the other essentials."
Her big eyes narrowed, "What? Leave? I can't leave!"
"You most certainly can, and — you — will. I refuse to hear any arguments on this, Lilium. Pack your belongings immediately or leave without them."
"I thought you said Hogwarts was the safest place for me!"
Severus stopped his frantic movements, whirling round in a storm of black fabric before he brought his hands down onto his desk, hard. "Obviously... it is not... anymore."
Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she managed, "We have to trust Professor Dumbledore and The Order—,"
"The Headmaster's power diminishes by the day, and The Order is not here. Before long, the Dark Lord will have fully infiltrated the Ministry—,"
Lili backed away, reaching for the door. "No. No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving my friends, they need me to fight. I won't be free of Umbridge 'til everyone is. And I refuse to accept that we're just what they say — that the Snape's are cowards—,"
In a flash, her father had crossed the room and swiftly caught her arm in a near—bruising grasp, looking truly menacing, "Don't ever associate that word and our name again."
"Then don't give me reason to."
Lili tore free, shot Severus a scathing look, and then stormed from the dungeons without another word.
ϟ
Lili understood now.
It had been more than a week since she'd last spoken to her father. She was angry with him; she missed him. She resented him; she pitied him. She wanted to eradicate all the signs of him in herself; she wanted to look in the mirror and see more of him. Most of all, she understood so bloody well now. Why Severus wanted her to pack her things, why he wanted her to use Polyjuice, why he wanted her to run as far as she possibly could. He wanted her to avoid this, to protect her from this. But it was too late, and now they had no other choice.
Lili bloody ran.
Sweat building, heart pounding, she sprinted from where she was studying in the library with Hermione, skidding through the many hallways of the castle and bursting through the door of her father's office in five minutes flat. Severus seemed to be almost waiting for her. He was the picture of ease, sitting almost nonchalantly behind his desk, no papers to grade in sight, his gaze resting heavily upon her shoulders.
"Sev!" The girl was panting, gasping, terrified, holding her Marked arm out on display, "Sev, it's burning, it burns so much more than—,"
Her father's voice was calm, detached when he said, "Because he is calling you."
Lili stopped. He knew. He already knew. Of course he bloody did. She inhaled, softly, unable to utter a single word. She started to have a small (really, very small) panic attack, getting more tearful, twitching more — the emotions that always felt too much flowing through her. Lili, embarrassed at this uncontrollable display, tried to hide her face and play it off, but of course she couldn't stop it.
Suddenly Severus was in front of her, cradling her trembling face in his coarse hands.
"Occlude. Occlude now."
"I—I..."
"You can." He demanded harshly, startling her into listening. "Do it now."
She did. Shakily, she exhaled, her eyes flickered closed, and finally, finally her face blanked of all emotion. Everything was hidden away, and on this side of her diamond walls, there was no anger, no anticipation, no anxiety. There was simply... nothing. Somewhere far away, she felt her father's cold fingertips trailing lightly against her temples before he withdrew completely.
Lili opened her eyes and found Severus staring at her, utterly devoid of all feeling.
"We will Apparate to the Dark Lord. This is but a formal introduction. He will not have a mission for you, he will not interrogate you. He desires only your presence and your loyalty. These things we will give him. Then, in an hour, we will return here, I will escort you to Gryffindor Tower, and you will get a good night's sleep for class tomorrow morning."
"I understand."
"Do you?" He challenged cruelly.
She nodded, "Yes, sir."
"Stay close to me. Do not speak unless spoken to. Obey my every word."
"Yes, sir."
Severus stared at Lili for another long and terrible moment. Then, he scoffed — only once. It was time to go. Without another word, her father wrapped his fingers round her forearm and guided her immediately to the fireplace. They took the Floo to the Three Broomsticks, strode out of the busy pub, and once into Hogsmeade, Severus tightened his grip on her arm and then they Apparated.
Upon landing, Lili almost fell. Severus kept her standing.
Slowly, her dark head trailed upward to take in their new surroundings. Under the light of the full moon, she recognised this place instantly. Little Hangleton. The Riddle House, just as dark and derelict as Harry had once described, but now no longer unoccupied. Her boots crunched in the gravel when she followed swiftly after her father, their black robes sweeping gracefully across the curving path.
Shockingly, Auntie Cissa met them by the grand entrance.
Too nervous to speak, Lili's heart caught in her throat at the sight of her pale and nervous face, wringing her dainty hands.
Severus, however, did not seem so surprised. He merely levelled her with a knowing look and asked, "Have you done it?"
Narcissa Malfoy nodded her blonde head once, firmly. "I've ensured she was sent on a mission with Lucius and a werewolf."
She. Lili thought she might be sick. She. They meant Lili's mum. Bellatrix.
Auntie Cissa's crystalline eyes shifted to Lili's face, softening. "You won't meet her today, Lilium. But she won't be held off for long. Darling, you must— you must be ready."
Lili wasn't ready. She would never be ready.
Severus nodded in reply. "You've done all you said. We thank you."
The Snape's continued on.
It was dim and chilly inside the old manor house. Severus led Lili into a room where moonlight breached through only a few windows, painting pale patches high up on the walls and columns. No doubt these had once been grey like the flagstones on the floor, but now there was only one colour in this room. Red. Everything, so red. The walls, the columns, even the ceiling, were vermilion, the color of raw meat or flowing blood.
It was as if they had been swallowed by a Basilisk.
What was once a ballroom had been turned into a throne room.
And upon the throne, upholstered in black with designs carved into its legs and arms, sat the Dark Lord himself.
"Ah, Severus..."
Lili watched from behind her diamond shields while her father knelt, pressed his face to the ground, and then kissed the hem of the Dark Lord's robes. Occlude, Occlude, Occlude. She couldn't move. She couldn't bloody move. But then, slowly, the Dark Lord looked at her with clear expectation. Severus did not raise his head. Holding her breath, Lili forced herself onto her knees, and her sweaty palms were chilled against the cold marble when she leant down and brushed her mouth against the black cloth.
Her lips tingled.
Occlude, Occlude, Occlude.
Feeling numb, the girl followed her father's lead when he stood back to his feet, face blank and hands folded behind his back. The Dark Lord was a rather tall man, but her father stood a few centimeters taller, which obviously displeased the older wizard once called Tom Riddle. He stood very upright, as if this would make up for the difference.
With a chilling smirk, the Dark Lord answered merely with a serpentine hiss, "Sssso. Finally, the time has arrived. This must be the young Miss Snape I have been so eager to meet."
"Yes, my Lord." Her father said detachedly, "I should like to present my daughter, Delphini Lestrange."
The girl managed to hide her flinch at the name. Delphini.
"Ah, but they call you 'Lilium Snape' now. Do they not?"
"I am called whatever you wish for me, my Lord." The fifteen year old bowed her head down low while she dutifully replied, "I am honoured to be in your company once more."
Lili couldn't swallow her gasp when the Dark Lord's long fingers curled round her chin and pulled her face upward so their eyes would meet. His touch was so cold, she could feel his ice in her heart. She sensed her father stiffening just briefly beside her before it was gone; anyone who knew him any less than Lili did wouldn't have noticed.
Kill him, Lili, kill him.
She didn't dare move.
The Dark Lord had a frighteningly soft, curling mouth, and as he spoke, he kept running his little finger along it as if to trace it. They were as bloodless as the rest of his snake—like face.
"Have you missed me, pet?"
"There are... no words, my Lord."
"How wonderful it is," said the Dark Lord softly, his red eyes upon her, "To welcome a second generation of Death Eaters into my service. Truly, you have the potential to outshine them all, Delphini."
"As my Lord wills it."
A grin curled his lipless mouth as his gaze flashed in her father's direction.
"How proud you must be, Severus."
Bowing low, his voice was that frightening velvet drawl when he replied, "I am, my Lord."
Lili wanted to reach for Severus' hand, but he did not look at her. It was as if he didn't want to see her; like he wanted to forget she was there.
The double doors pushed open, and when she glanced back, Lili saw three figures slowly enter the chamber. The one in the middle had their appearance hidden by a black bag, escorted on each side by men clad in thick Death Eater robes, but when one waved away his mask, Lili recognised Lucius Malfoy's face, though it was little more than a patch of pale colour until they drew nearer.
"Ah, so our guest is here already," crooned the Dark Lord, stopping in front of them. "Did you sleep well, Sturgis?"
The bag was ripped away, and the man was painfully thrown down to his knees at their feet. At once, Lili recognised the square—jawed wizard with thick, straw—coloured hair from Grimmauld Place. Order of the Phoenix member. Friend of Albus Dumbledore. Sturgis Podmore. She saw Sev's gaze linger on the man for but a moment before looking away disinterestedly. Lili herself could not move. She just stood there, in numb and silent terror, staring at Podmore who glared stubbornly up at the Dark Lord.
Then:
"Crucio!"
Podmore screamed when his limbs bent in upon his body, rolling and twitching horribly, rocking from side to side. His grey eyes bulged out when they locked on the Snape father and daughter. The torture lasted forever. To keep herself from screaming too, Lili began to count in her head: one... two... five... eight... eleven... fifteen... The Dark Lord finally raised his wand. The tortured Order member collapsed limply on the marble floor, gasping and panting.
Such malice made Lili feel ill.
"Oh, quite the display, Sturgis. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Podmore croaked, "Go... to... hell."
"Now, now," reprimanded the Dark Lord, a twisted grin firmly in place when he turned to Lili, "Come to me, my pet, come, come..."
Lili did. His arms surrounded her, pulling her back against his chest, so he was practically enveloping her. Her stomach roiled. She was going to be sick. Her frightened eyes darted once to her father's blank but pale face. Occlude, Occlude, Occlude.
The Dark Lord breathed into the shell of her ear, "I know one of my most faithful servants taught you of the Unforgivables before he was cruelly disposed of. But then, I believe you had some firsthand experience with the Imperious Curse, did you not?"
For a moment, her mouth opened and closed before she managed to reply, "Yes, my Lord."
His long—fingered hand slid slowly down her neck, his cold thumb stroking her exposed clavicle before continuing down further. She swallowed a whimper when his hand slithered over her breasts, then down her sternum, towards her belly. She wasn't here. She wasn't her. She was Delphini Lestrange, and she was not Lilium Snape. His hand slid from her stomach to her wrist, and finally, his hand curled round hers to guide her yew wand upward so it was aimed at Podmore.
"Say it, Delphini. You know the word. You have to mean it."
Delphini's wand shook in her grasp.
"Imperio."
Podmore's limbs spasmed and then stiffened, teeth chattering under the relentless attack of force as the magic gripped hold.
"Make him dance. Make him bow. Make him scream."
And so she did.
The Dark Lord threw his head back and f—cking laughed.
When he had regained his composure, he purred, "I have a job for you, Sturgis, one I think you shall excel in, if this torrid little display is of any indication. For now, Delphini, tell him: 'do not fight, choke quietly'."
Delphini flinched at the memory, and the Dark Lord chuckled before turning her to face him.
"Lucius tells me you have twisted your way into dear Harry Potter's heart."
Occlude, Occlude, Occlude.
"While he was a bit less than impressed, I must praise you for your ingenuity; only a goddaughter of mine would possess such foresight..." Slowly, his veiny head cocked and his red eyes carved into her chest when he crooned, "Continue this attachment. Draw closer to him. And then, when the time is right..."
The Dark Lord licked his lips, and the bile in Delphini's stomach rose to her throat.
"Break his heart," he drawled, turning from Delphini and Severus. "Dismissed."
As one, the father and daughter bowed low. Then, just before she turned to leave, Lili's black eyes rolled up to meet the Dark Lord's cold gaze. Thank Merlin and God and Severus bloody Snape for Occlumency. Because, hidden behind the layers and layers of mental shields, Lilium S. Snape had one dangerous thought:
I can't wait to watch you die.
ϟ
Self—loathing didn't come close to covering it.
You disgust me.
Severus could still hear those words, as clear as when Albus said them fifteen years ago. These were words he could not escape, nor forget, and they had haunted his every step. You disgust me. He carried his self—loathing with him because it was well—earned. Of course he felt the same, long before Albus Dumbledore had ever breathed the words into existence.
Following the crack of Apparition back to the gates of Hogwarts, Lilium had fallen to her knees and vomited everything her stomach possessed. Sweeping back his robes, hiding his mask within his pocket, Severus knelt to one knee and gently pulled her hair from her face.
"His cruelty does not belong to us. It was not real. We merely play a role." He had to believe this, he had to. He murmured, "Breathe, Lilium. Just breathe."
His daughter wasn't listening to him, and that was fine. This was all merely to be expected. Lilium gasped and heaved and trembled, rocking herself back and forth wildly. Severus glanced round, eyed the Forbidden Forest and the abandoned road that led to Hogsmeade. There was only darkness. No one around for miles.
"Scream," he murmured, "If you must."
She did just so. Fisting her hands into the dirt and grass, Lilium dragged in a shaky breath and then released it as one painful scream — black head tilted back, howling at the moon. The grass beneath their feet died instantly. Flowers browned and wilted. Tree leaves faded and fell away. Every plant within their vicinity withered into non—existence.
In the aftermath, weakness overtook her. His daughter collapsed into his chest, tears soaking his cloak, sobs still quaking her small body. When the tears faded, and her breathing slowed, her face went blank while her eyes went lifeless. Severus drew his shivering child to her feet and guided her towards their chambers.
Snowflakes fell like butterflies.
The lights of Hogwarts mocked him.
Still, Severus was nothing but guilty and inadequate — completely and utterly disgusting to himself, most of all. He recalled a time, fifteen years ago now, when he was in this exact position. Cradling his frightened daughter to his chest, hurrying up this very hill, seeking safety and sanctuary that he did not deserve.
In the cold January air, Lilium continued tripping over her own feet and shrugging off Severus' hands while he tried to support her. So, he was simply forced to observe when they passed through the dark castle and into the empty dungeons, his hands buried deep in his pockets, bruising his fingers on the hard edges of his mask.
As soon as they entered their chambers, Lilium suddenly shoved him away.
"Get away from me!"
Severus did not fight her.
He merely watched while his daughter stumbled into the washroom and slammed the door behind her. He waited for her in the hall, listening to her muffle her whimpers, swallow her sobs on the other side of the door. Eventually, the shower turned on, and he could imagine her scrubbing at her skin, trying to wash away the touch and the memories. He had done that, of course, he had done this all a thousand times.
Severus was sick with himself. He should never have allowed his daughter to follow the Dark Lord's summons. He should have simply taken the punishment of disobeying orders and let Lilium be once more, d—mned be the consequences — Albus' and the Dark Lord's both.
With almost mechanical movements, Severus removed his Death Eater robes and stuffed them into his closet — not bothering with proper folding now. He just needed to not see them anymore. He stuffed the white mask even deeper, wishing he could use a well—placed Sectumsempra or at least crack it against the stone.
When she finally emerged from the washroom, Lilium's tear—streaked face was pale and her eyes were bloodshot. She had a blue zip—up of Potter's pulled over her pyjamas. The temperature in the dungeons was usually frigid, and he imagined the events of the last two hours hadn't helped matters. Standing there, staring at him, how desperate his child looked — and lost. Severus remembered this feeling. There was not much worse.
What followed was an exceedingly awkward silence. Severus winced. He did not want to see her, did not want to look into her hard and frightened eyes. In truth, he'd rather face a full Wizengamot, with life in Azkaban on the line, than face her like this. But he forced himself to endure it.
Severus' voice was painfully choked when he managed, "What can I do?"
His daughter stared at him, long and cold and uncomprehending. Then, "What?"
He inhaled sharply.
"What... would you like... from me?"
"What would I like from you?" Lilium's voice almost choked in her disbelief and helpless rage.
Her fists were clenched as if she wanted to hit out blindly. He remembered that feeling, too. Sometimes you wanted to lash out at the whole world, but it did no good, none at all. The pain remained.
"I don't want anything. Not from you, not from him, not from anyone! I don't want any f—cking part of this."
And all Severus could say was this:
"I know. And I apologise."
For a moment, Lilium was speechless with shock. The fight left her instantly, and she gave a shadow of a nod — just once. Then, she softly sighed and wiped a too—big sleeve over her tearstained face.
"I know you're sorry, Sev. And I—I know the Headmaster ordered you to make sure I went tonight, for the sake of winning this war before it starts," she whispered, so softly that Severus could hardly make out the words. "I know my duty, my responsibility... I just wish I knew why the Dark Lord wants me at all."
Severus couldn't respond. He couldn't say a bloody word.
Good God, what have I done?
If he had had the slightest shred of bravery, Severus would have told Lilium the truth of her existence then and there, but staring at her, watching her cry, he could not summon up the courage.
When he went to her bedroom, hours and hours later, Severus sank to his knees at her bedside and buried his face in his hands. Every so often they clenched to fists at his ears and his knuckles turned white while his shoulders shuddered with barely suppressed screams.
Then, a whimper.
Severus raised his head.
In her sleep, Lilium whimpered and shifted until her contorted face was turned his way. How miserable she looked. She must be having a nightmare. Of f—cking course she was, how could he expect anything else? Her thin lips quivered, and her pale hands clutched at the blankets as if she were looking for something — or someone — to give her safety.
Because one is usually alone in nightmares, dreadfully alone. Severus remembered his own endless supply of bad dreams and, for a moment, he was tempted to reach out and wake her. But he was a f—cking coward, and he couldn't bear to see her miserable eyes another second more.
Instead, Severus reached and smoothed a hand through Lilium's still wet hair. Instantly, she stopped whimpering and leant further into his touch. As a lump welled in his throat, he studied the sharp angles of her face. She was beautiful, just like Potter said. Something too precious for him to taint with his blood—dripping hands. He had known that he had d—mned her, she said as much once, and he knew it was true — now more than ever.
"I do love you," he whispered to his sleeping child.
Severus meant these words, more than anything he had ever said in his long miserable life. After the death of Lily, he was certain he would never love again, but his love for his best friend paled in comparison to his love for his daughter. Holding his breath, Severus leant forward and brushed a light kiss to her forehead, then allowed himself to rest his nose in her hair for just a moment.
"I love you, Lilium," he whispered again, squeezing his eyes shut against the rush of emotions before abruptly standing and leaving her bedroom altogether.
Severus could still feel the hot sting of snowflakes on his skin.
ANNIE SPEAKS
ϟ
:(
that was hard to write. lili has officially met voldemort. and... it went pretty badly. as time goes on, she meets him more and more, and each time, it's ugly. voldy's such an extra major creep in this one, and you'll see why he treats lili like this as the story continues and the full prophecy is explained... ick. also, it was so fun to FINALLY have narcissa interact with lili, geez i can't believe how long it's taken me to actually write them in a scene together — however brief.
little side note: in my head for this story, i visualize voldemort much more like a snake—monster than the movie portrayed so more red eyes and fangs and general freakiness. i just thought he just needs to be as scary—looking in my imagination as i've written him so there's my two cents on that. take it or leave it, lol. here's a lil pic of what i mean:
CHAPTER FORTY—SEVEN :
"You must begin by focusing on a singular feeling, preferably a positive one. If you continue to concentrate on this emotion, it should clear your mind of all else — specifically things that could compromise us with the Dark Lord. Eventually, you will build your mental shield with memories relating to that positive feeling."
Harry blinked. That was literally the most helpful thing Snape had said in all their Occlumency lessons so far, and what? It took all of three sentences. Such a b—stard.
"Well. Why didn't you just say that?"
Snape sneered again, but now just to be petty. "Because I wasn't aware I had to. I had thought it rather obvious."
Harry huffed and rolled his eyes. Even if he sort of liked Snape now, it didn't change that fact that he was still a git. Also rolling his eyes, Snape turned away from him with a distracted wave of his hand which was clearly a dismissal from their lessons for the evening. Harry didn't move. There were a lot of things he wanted to talk to the man about, and he wasn't entirely sure how or where to start.
Harry squinted at him for a moment before asking, rather boldly, "Did you call my mother a Mudblood?"
aaaand my meme for this chapter:
alas no luna in this chapter but still i love her