ACT THREE, chapter forty—four :
your mind was made of magic,
now it's ugly and diseased
ϟ
The last lesson before the Yule holiday (with Neville having managed a successful 'Expelliarmus' along with everyone else), Harry decided it was time for everyone to try out the Patronus. Lili would've literally preferred anything but. So, after her boyfriend's instructions were over, she drifted away from the Golden Quartet to a quiet corner to work on her Reducto on the test dummy in peace until suddenly—
"What're you doing?"
Lili startled, whipping round to find Harry standing curiously just behind her. It also occurred to her that they were now standing together under some Mistletoe, something that Luna would say was probably full of Nargles.
Smirking, casual, Harry wondered, "You're not going to try the Patronus Charm?"
"Oh. Well." Her cheeks were flushed pink (how humiliating). "I've tried before."
Harry blinked, shocked. "When?"
Oh Merlin, she didn't want to discuss this.
"Third Year. When you were learning from Lupin, I read a book and tried... It didn't work."
They said that Death Eaters couldn't conjure a Patronus, that it required Light magic and there was not enough goodness in those Marked with the Dark Lord's symbol to ever cast such a thing. She wondered if he knew that. She wasn't sure how to tell him.
Harry's hand brushed hers and he gave her a sympathetic but serious nod, "Yea, well. Third Year was a bit sh—t. It had to be sort of hard to think of any happy memories when you'd just been kidnapped, tortured, and found out your mum was a bloody fugitive. Maybe what you need is a more... personal... lesson."
Desperate to distract herself from her inevitable failure, Lili teased, "Oh, really?"
"Really." Harry smirked, jostling his shoulder with hers, "In exchange for all those potions lessons you've given me."
She heaved a long—suffering sigh, though the somewhat amused glint in her eye did rather give her away. "Fine. How do you cast the spell, then, Professor Potter?"
Her boyfriend's smirk widened into a full—blown grin. "Well, since you asked so politely, Miss Snape, it does take a lot practise, but the key is to choose a memory — the happiest you have — and focus on it while you cast. Patronuses come from our joy, that's what makes it able to fight off the Dementors."
Logically, it made sense to Lili. She just wasn't sure if she could manage it realistically.
But there was Harry, smiling and encouraging and bright, "You try."
Try, Lili did. The girl thought of Severus — during the soft nights of her childhood when her father would read to her, letting her rest her head against his knee. She often felt his hand stroking her hair. She wasn't even sure if he was even aware he'd been doing it. The memory was strong. It would be enough. Merlin, she hoped it would be enough...
"Expecto Patronum!"
With a shout of the incantation, a few silvery wisps came out the tip of her yew wand, only briefly flickering into some shape of an animal with four legs before disappearing once more. Lili felt disappointment land like a stone in the pit of her stomach.
Harry beamed, "Lil! That was brilliant! Really! It took me ages to make a mist."
Lili bit her lip, shaking her head slightly. It wasn't enough. It wasn't bloody good enough. She'd try again. This time the girl thought of her Golden Quartet, hunched together and chugging butterbeers. Even the barest hint of a memory made her smile. Again:
"Expecto Patronum!"
The wisps were far stronger this time, but still there was nothing fully corporeal. Gritting her teeth, Lili closed her eyes and searched deep within herself.
"Try again, Lil," Harry murmured from somewhere that felt far away, "I know you can do it."
Lili chewed harder on her lip and glanced at her boyfriend through her fringe, heart skipping a beat at the sight of his encouraging and confident expression. He believed in her. She wondered if he was the first ever person to do that. The realisation brought on a storm of images: Harry's smile at their first ever Feast, Harry asking if Snape was treating her all right, Harry sleeping in her bed in Cokeworth, Harry's lips against hers in the carriage, Harry being angry on her behalf, Harry, Harry, Harry.
"Expecto Patronum!"
From the tip of her wand, an iridescent, dazzling creature burst forth. Lili's breath caught halfway through a gasp. A doe. It was a doe, prancing elegantly through the room, circling both Lili and Harry, stopping to stare at the pair with large, silver eyes. As her trembling fingertips stretched towards the creature, the doe bowed its head and nuzzled her palm.
"Incredible," she whispered.
Without warning, Harry drew out his wand from his pocket and twirled it in the same circular manner, calling: "Expecto Patronum!"
And Lili was completely in awe when a linding, dazzling, silver stag emerged. Then, as realisation crashed upon her, her jaw bloody dropped.
"That's... Our Patronuses match!" Harry realised with a soft gasp, "What's it mean?"
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, but she couldn't say the words — not when it would force her to confess, not when she would not hear the words in return. It means, 'I love you'. No. No, she could not even think of it.
"It," she harshly cleared her throat, "It means the happiness from my Patronus is connected to you. It means we fit together, we're a perfect pair."
Harry's eyes were soft with affection when his wand hand tangled with hers, "What was your happiest memory, then? What did you think of, when you cast?"
Lili smirked, cheeks flush and eyes bright when she confessed: "You."
ϟ
As always, Yuletide decorations were on full display three weeks before the end of the term.
Plans were being made for the hols if they hadn't already been settled yet. Hermione was going skiing with her parents (this amused Ron who was fascinated by the idea of Muggles strapping wooden planks to their feet to slide down mountains). Ron was going home with the rest of the Weasley's, and unfortunately Harry was headed to the Burrow too. As usual, Lili would be spending the Yule at Hogwarts.
Of course Lili and Harry were disappointed that theory wouldn't be spending their first Christmas as a couple together, but it was all right. If they played their cards right, Lili could nag Severus into letting her go to the Burrow for at least a few days of their hols.
Until then, the buzz of festivities was in the air. The air had turned frosty and crisp. Flitwick had once again decorated the castle, everyone was discussing their plans for the hols, and it was time to buy presents. Eventually, Hermione became determined to do her Christmas shopping all at once this year so Lili decided to join her. Hogsmeade was always lovely at this time of year, cottages and shops covered in soft layers of snow with holly wreaths on doors and enchanted candles hanging in the trees.
On the fresh wintery day, Lili made sure to purchase gifts for the other members of the Golden Quartet, a new herbology book by Selina Sapworthy for Neville, an enchanted watch for Draco, rare potions ingredients from Peg's for Severus, and finally she decided to buy Dobby a new pair of trainers. He needed them, and she hoped he'd appreciate that.
By sunset (after her trip to Hogsmeade and the final DA lesson), Lili decided to pop by for a visit in the dungeons.
Merlin, but she made it sound cheery.
Because really, the potions lab in the dungeons was about as far from the word 'cheery' as one possibly could be. Opening the door when no one responded, Lili peeked her head and found Severus completely absorbed in whatever he had brewing in his cauldron. His hair was tied back in a low knot and his brow was furrowed low in concentration. Potions Master at work: interrupt at your own risk.
Feeling risky, Lili smirked, stepped in, and closed the door with her back, "Want some help?"
Severus barely turned to look at her, to acknowledge her arrival. His silhouette was sharper than usual in the flickering candlelight, harsh chin and hook—nose more distinguished. She arched a questioning brow. He slightly inclined his head. Permission granted. Smiling happily, the girl crossed the classroom and boosted on her tip—toes for a better view of the inside.
"Mm." Lili hummed, shuddering in dramatic glee, "Smells disgusting."
Severus smirked but didn't speak.
After watching him work for a while, she slipped the cutting board from under his hands and gingerly took the knife from between his fingers so she could chop the nettles (careful to avoid getting stung). Relieved of that task, her father moved onto the next. The silence was comfortable, and very familiar, reminding her of times of being his assistant throughout her childhood.
"We don't often brew together anymore, do we?"
"Not — often." Severus agreed softly, "No."
"It's nice," Lili commented (still cheery).
"...Yes."
That was as much as she was going to get out of him, but it made her smile all the same while she started carefully crushing the snake fangs. After she scraped the dust into the cauldron, she frowned down at the potion bubbling a sinister green.
"What's this in aid of?"
"It's better you do not know."
Lili pursed her lips but didn't dare ask for more details. That was Snape—language for it was for the Dark Lord and Severus didn't want to tell her any details. He was probably right. Wondering just what the hell the Dark Lord would need brewing sufficiently distracted her just enough that she didn't notice she was slicing through her finger until she'd smeared blood all over their work station.
"Ow, shite!"
She yelped and sharply recoiled, cradling her heavily bleeding finger.
"F—ck's sake." Severus sighed heavily and captured her hand in a tight grip, "Potions Master in training, indeed. Now let me see."
"Oh Merlin, oh Merlin," she muttered and tightly closed her eyes, "Bloody hell, is it bad? How's it look? Can you save it? Sev? Sev, break it to me gently: what's the prognosis?"
A heavy exhale, and then: "Do stop being so dramatic, it's a very unattractive trait."
"Who do you think I got it from?!" Lili demanded furiously, eyes still squeezed shut. "Oh Merlin, I've already only got three fingers on my left hand, I can't afford to lose another!"
Her father snorted, and she could hear soft incantations murmured under his breath until finally the bleeding stopped and the pain eased. When she peeked open one eye, she found his considerable nose inches from her now healed finger to scruntinise the faded injury. Finally, Severus nodded in apparent approval.
"Much better." He dropped her hand and returned to his work with a dismissive shrug, "Far too distractible, Lilium, you've always been hopeless at knifework."
"Sev." Lili drawled teasingly, rather daintily inspecting her healed skin. "I thought you loved me."
But there was no mirth in his eyes when he met her gaze with utmost solemnity and said this:
"I could not possibly love you more."
She caught her breath, words choking halfway up her throat. Her cheeks blushed with a pleased pink, and to save face, she lightly teased, "Good. Then... prove it."
The girl expected her father to roll his eyes and give her a jobberknoll feather or some such shite just to appease her ridiculously adolescent demands.
Instead: "I indeed to. Invite your misfits to our next weekly dinner."
Lili blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.
"You... want to have dinner... with my friends?"
"No, Lilium. I do not want to suffer a meal with a quartet of hormonal teenagers who grate my nerves at the best of times. I want to show you how I... care for you. So invite them. And pass me those porcupine quills, you ridiculous girl."
So, come Friday night, Lili guided the other members of the Golden Quartet to the Snape quarters — under the Invisibility Cloak of course. When she murmured the password and pushed open the door, she slowly let her friends inside the first real home she ever had. Honestly, Lili couldn't believe this was the first time she'd brought Hermione and Ron into their flat, after having been friends for five years now. She was... ridiculously nervous.
"Wow..." Hermione whispered in awe while Ron stuttered, "It's... It's so..."
"Homey?" Harry finished with a grin.
Taking in the Snape chambers, Hermione and Ron's eyes were equally wide.
"What were you expecting?" Lili smirked slightly, a pleased gleam shining in her black eyes. "Coffins and chains and methods of torture?"
"The coffins at least," Ron joked.
Everyone chuckled until...
"Why have a coffin when all I require is a rafter to hang upside down from?"
Everyone froze, eyes widening when they turned slowly to find the Great Black Dungeon Bat himself staring at them with an arched brow and a strange quirk to his lips.
"Good— Good evening, Professor Snape," though her voice sounded more high—pitched than usual, Hermione stood valiantly tall.
"Yea." Ron grumbled sullenly, "Hi."
Her father only replied: "Mm."
Well. This was awkward.
"Why don't we go to the sitting room?" Harry blurted, saving them all. Bless him.
Lili hurriedly led them into said room, nervously waving an arm at the space that she loved most during her childhood. Hermione instantly gasped and rushed for their massive bookcases, fingers trailing over the worn spines, whispering the titles to herself. Lili grinned with barely constrained pride. For his part, Ron happily plopped himself down onto the sofa, following Harry's casual lead.
"Now, this is more like it," Ron sighed while he reclined and gazed up at the glassy ceiling.
A massive shadow — the Giant Squid, probably — floated by.
"You know, I think it must be like being inside a submarine," Hermione murmured in fascination, looking from the books to the ceiling, watching pretty silver fish swim past without noticing them. "This is gorgeous!"
"Isn't it just?" Lili smiled a bit proudly, "I've always loved the view, though you might see the occasional Grindylow."
"Safer from in here," Harry joked with a knowing smirk.
Ron snorted.
Bring in the misfits, came her father's low voice in her mind, The food has arrived.
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Lili turned to her friends and announced, "Dinner is ready."
Hermione raised a curious brow, "How do you know?"
"Pardon?"
"Well..." Her best friend sat a bit straighter on the sofa, eager for an explanation now. "You've been standing there the whole time, Lili, and suddenly you know that dinner is ready?"
"That's right," Harry gave her a confused look, "How did you do that?"
"Snape told me."
Ron blinked, "I didn't hear anything."
"Uhm. He told me..." Biting her lip, Lili tapped one long finger against her temple. "In here."
Ron scrunched his nose, "Oh now, that's just really bloody creepy."
"I think it's fascinating," Hermione chimed.
Harry smirked amusedly, "You would."
"Any—way." Lili scoffed fondly, "Snape says dinner is ready, so let's go."
"Wait, hold on — Snape made dinner?!" Ron gaped, looking frightful when he turned to the wild—haired girl, "Hermione, do you know how to test if there's poison in your food?"
Lili groaned and rolled her eyes, "He's not made it, you ejit. He's only ordered it; the House Elves made it — just like they do for the Great Hall."
Hermione's lips pursed, still put out about the honest to Merlin issue of House Elf slavery (shout out to SPEW), and Lili shot her an apologetic glance but nervously motioned them to follow her. And so... they did. Very, very slowly, they crept into the dining room where Severus was already waiting with his hands clasped behind his stiff back. The four teens hovered awkwardly round the dark wood table, glancing at one another, glancing at her father, glancing back at one another.
"Sit," Severus suddenly snapped.
Everyone scrambled to obey.
They dropped themselves rather hard into the chairs, Hermione beside her and Harry and Ron on the opposite side. Glancing round, Lili resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Severus had chosen to sit all the way at the opposite end of the table, making it seem like they were having separate meals rather than actually sharing one.
They served themselves. They began to eat. The silence that hung over them was almost oppressive. It felt nearly like being at a funeral, except that Lili rather enjoyed those — given the amount of black and general depression, but this was just downright miserable.
"Uhm, sir?" Hermione started bravely, clearing her throat, "Have you had a pleasant Friday?"
"No," Severus replied... and the conversation ended.
Lili bit her lip to hold in a strangled laugh. Hermione elbowed her — hard — in the ribcage.
"What was unpleasant about it?" The Snape girl decided to save the conversation, smirking round her fork, "Did someone annoy you, Sev?"
"Someone — always — annoys me, Lilium, as you well know. Though if I am forced to ever again inform Miss Parkinson not to assault Draco Malfoy's mouth with her tongue at every possible opportunity, I may be forced to trick her into thinking arsenic is a love potion."
Ron snorted, and everyone turned to look at him with wide eyes.
"Sorry," her friend turned as red as his hair, darting a glance at Severus. "I just, uh, I didn't realise you knew how to joke."
"Come now, Weasley, I am just as human as yourself." Her father's voice was wry while he cut delicately into his veg, "Stick around and you may also learn that I know how to turn unpleasant young redheads into the perfect substitute for ginger in a Wit—Sharpening Potion."
Both Lili and Harry laughed, and Hermione giggled demurely behind her hand. Ron shot them all a dirty look before digging back into his lamb chop. After the initial laughter faded, silence reigned supreme.
Scraping her fork uninterestedly against the plate's porcelain, Lili shifted slightly, "Have you, uhm, started the Everlasting Elixirs essay, 'Mione?"
"You mean the one not due until next week...?" Ron grumbled, but the girls both ignored him.
"Oh!" Her best friend instantly perked up at the mention of homework (good ole Hermione), "Yes, I've nearly finished with the outline, but I wanted to include some supplemental information from Have Yourself a Fiesta in a Bottle! and Asiatic Anti—Venoms."
At this, Severus tutted.
Everyone eyed him for a moment. Face blank, her father said nothing more.
"Uhm..." Lili drawled awkwardly, after a moment. "You might want to check out Borage's lesser known work: The Master Brewer. Sometimes less is more."
Severus offered a simple incline of his head. Apparently, he now approved.
"Oh, right. Okay, that would be good, thank you, Lili." Hermione cast about for what to say next, searching desperately, "How about you, Harry, have you started the essay?"
"Oh yea, sure," Harry teased, trying to lighten the mood when he shared a smirk with Ron, "Got straight on it."
"Honestly." Ron chortled, "Do you girls talk about anything other than homework?"
Severus cut in mildly, not looking up from his food, "I assume neither of you have done so much as read the instructions, have you, Misters Potter and Weasley?"
Harry and Ron turned very, very pink.
"Mm. I thought not."
And now, it was awkward again. The next half hour that followed was rife with tension and forced attempts at dying conversation. But finally, finally the meal ended. Hermione was staring desperately hard at her plate while Ron's eyes kept darting towards the door. Lili and Harry exchanged a miserable glance across the now empty table.
"The food was delicious," Harry finally commented, saving Lili from trying to speak again.
"Yea," Ron mumbled, fidgeting in his chair, "Really good."
"Thank you for having us, Professor," Hermione nodded with a polite smile.
So. That seemed to be the end of it. All the teenagers pushed back their chairs and began to stand, but then Severus raised a hand to force them into stillness.
"Sit. I'll fetch dessert."
Severus quickly left.
Oh, Merlin and his ugly mother. Ron shot Harry a helpless glance, but what could be done? Nothing. Nothing at all. Hermione was fretting her bottom lip and Lili massaged her temples to ease her budding headache. Severus returned with two silver trays of buttercream cake and treacle tart which just so happened to be some of Lili and Harry's favourites. He presided over the four teenagers, watching stiffly while they all awkwardly served themselves and forced in a few bites.
"All right!" Ron suddenly burst, "I can't stand it anymore."
Everyone very nervously looked at Ron. With a shocking air of finality, the youngest Weasley boy dropped his hands on the table and leant in close to her father.
"Professor, what is Lili's middle name?"
Of all the things she expected him to say, that was not it. Feeling a frightening bolt of panic, Lili's eyes went wide, "Uhm, Ron, I really don't think—,"
But then smirking over the lip of his wine glass, Severus revealed her deepest, darkest secret with casual cruelty, saying: "Salazar."
Four gasps circled round the dinner table.
"Sev!"
"What?!"
"You're kidding!"
"You said it wasn't Slytherin! You said!"
Lili's red cheeks could've glowed in the dark, "Well, it's not exactly Slytherin, is it... It's his first name."
Her friends were appalled for a whole sixty seconds. Then... Hermione giggled. And at this sudden breach of silence, Harry snorted and his tea went straight up his nose and straight out again. It shot all over his treacle tart. And of course this made Ron laugh through his bite of dessert, and then spit out the cake and spew the cream all over the front of Severus's black shirt. Ron's eyes rounded in horror.
"For Merlin's sake!" Lili hissed, red—cheeked, and tossed a handful of serviettes at the whole annoying lot of them.
Severus merely glanced down at his spoiled front, blinked twice, and then continued eating.
This just made Harry snort harder, and he hunched over his plate to catch the tea that dripped down his chin and neck. Now, Hermione was really giggling, covering her face with her hands and gasping for breath. The sight of both of them made Ron laugh again, and the sight made Harry laugh again, and so on and so forth did this terrible loop continue.
"Pull yourselves together," Lili ordered, though her lip was twitching rebelliously.
"Sure thing..." Ron managed through his cackles, beaming from ear—to—ear, "Lilium Salazar Snape."
Oh, the laughter only increased. Apparently, none of her friends could be stopped until one of them cramped up too hard. Full of spite, she hoped it would bloody hurt. When she looked desperately at her father for assistance, she found Severus only smirking to the delight of her roaring friends.
D—mn him. He had only named her that to be cruel, she was certain of it.
Merlin, but Lili Salazar Snape wanted to die.
ϟ
Like most days, Lili slept in Harry's bed.
With their legs intertwined, his arm was wrapped tight round her back and she laid her head on his chest, just over his heart, soothed to sleep by its steady beat. They just slept better when they were together. Whenever they shared a bed nowadays, he liked to always be touching her in some small way whether it was a hand on her stomach or an arm beneath her head or his face in her hair. He liked to know where she was, if she was close by, that she was safe. She was used to it by now. She liked it, too.
But then, halfway through the night, Harry's heart began to pound, wildly, underneath Lili's ear.
It was only when he began to squirm that she woke, pushing herself up to see his expression twisting, his chest beginning to shudder with frantic breath. His body was suddenly covered in a frigid sweat, sheets twisting round them like straitjackets.
"Harry...?" Lili lightly shook his shoulders, curling her fingers into his damp shirt in her rising desperation. "Harry!"
Then, suddenly, Harry cried out at the top of his lungs, making her flinch in fright.
"Ron!" She shrieked, "Ron, help me!"
Ron fairly threw himself out of his bed, stumbling over and looking wild with fear, "Lili! Lili, what—?"
"It's Harry," she strangled out, "There's something wrong with him,"
Harry screamed again, an unearthly sound of horror, anguish, and utter and total blood lust. Ron wrapped his arms round Lili, pulling her safely back when Harry's teeth snapped and his mouth tried to bite at the air, snarling madly, jerking and spasming in their shared bed. Their other roommates sprinted over, looking just as terrified when the entire bed shook with his thrashing until he threw himself over the edge.
"Harry!"
Lili tore herself away from Ron and hurriedly fell to her knees beside him, stretching out for him, but when she touched his cheek, he yelped as if burnt. Lili recoiled. He was still struggling madly on the floor, twisting and gasping, fighting against something invisible. Then, as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped. Harry slumped into the floor, unmoving. Lili was reaching for him in an instant, and then, suddenly, Harry's eyes flew open.
Lili shrieked at the sight. His eyes were pure white, without any pupils at all.
Then, Harry blinked and his eyes returned to normal: green and beautiful and himself. His chest heaved for breath — once, twice — then belted out a shriek of pure agony. He clutched at his forehead, eyes crossing and unable to focus, cradling at his scar like a white—hot poker was being stabbed into his flesh. Then, he suddenly rolled and sicked up all over the floor.
"Merlin, Harry," Lili was near tears, "It's all right, love, stay with me, please,"
"He's really ill," Neville stated the obvious, sounding scared.
"Lili...?" Ron's voice was tremulous, "Lili, shall we call someone?"
"Yes," she croaked, "Call McGonagall, get her quick... Nev?"
Neville was already gone, racing out the dormitory door to fetch their Head of House. Harry dragged in great gasps and tried to push himself up, and Lili supported his trembling body as his head kept sagging and his eyes kept trying to roll back into his head from the pain.
"Your dad, Ron," he managed out, his chest heaving beneath Lili's palm. "Your dad's... been attacked..."
"What?" Ron shook his red head wildly.
"Your dad! He's been bitten, it's serious, there was blood everywhere—,"
"Harry," Ron whispered shakily, sounding so uncertain, "You... You were just dreaming, yea mate?"
"No!" Harry shouted, startling them all, "It wasn't a dream... not an ordinary dream... I was there, I saw it... I did it—,"
"Harry, love..."
Lili gently cupped his face in her hands, turning his face towards her. Her boyfriend was still sweating and shivering feverishly in her grasp. Ignoring Seamus and Dean's mutterings, she peered into Harry's bloodshot, watery eyes and did the briefest skim of his surface thoughts. She wanted to recoil immediately from what she saw within his mind, raggedly catching her breath.
"You, Harry," she leant closer, foreheads pressed. "You didn't do a single thing."
Tears flowing, Harry met her eyes and nodded like he wanted to believe her. He just wasn't sure if he could. Then, suddenly, he pushed her aside so he could retch onto the floor again. Ron leapt out of the way.
"Harry, you're not well," the redhead shook, looking pale. "Lili had Neville go for help..."
"I'm fine!" Harry choked out, using his sleeve to his mouth, still trembling uncontrollably. "There's nothing wrong with me, it's your dad you've got to worry about — we need to find out where he is — he's bleeding like mad — I was — it was a huge snake...!"
It was a struggle for Lili and Ron to get Harry back in bed, and in turn ignore Seamus and Dean still muttering like mad. Then finally, spectacles askew and tying a tartan dressing gown, McGonagall rushed in to take charge. It took a while to get their Head of House to understand, and Lili did her best to help Harry explain — having seen what he dreamt in his thoughts.
Their repeated explanations ended with Professor McGonagall gazing at Lili's boyfriend with a horrified expression.
"I'm not lying, and I'm not mad!" Harry insisted, strangled voice rising to a shout. "I tell you, I saw it happen!"
"I believe you, Potter," McGonagall assured curtly. "Each of you put on your dressing gown; we're going to see the Headmaster."
It was a flurry of activity to drag a still incredibly unstable Harry to Dumbledore's office and then re—explain his dream. All the while, the old wizard did not look at her boyfriend, not even to acknowledge his presence. The portraits of old Headmasters and Headmistresses covering the walls were listening intently, but even in their terror and desperation to make him understand, Lili was getting more and more frustrated that Dumbledore refused to look at them even now, instead simply examining his own interlocked fingers.
"In the dream, were you standing next to the victim..." He intoned lowly, "Or looking down at the scene?"
Lili kept her arm tightly round Harry as he sweated and shook, looking like the panic might drive him out of his skin at any moment.
"Neither. It was like I..." He trailed off rather angrily, sounding hoarse before he forcefully cleared his throat and demanded, "Will you please just tell me what's happening?"
Immediately, Dumbledore set into 'Leader of the Light' mode. He ignored them to stand from his desk and turn to one of the Headmaster portraits, "Everard, Arthur's on guard duty tonight. Make sure he's found by the right people." He turned to the next, delivering another order, "Phineas. You must go to your portrait at Grimmauld Place. Tell them that Arthur Weasley is gravely injured..."
Lili glanced at the small horde of Weasley's sitting nearby, huddled close and worried. Her heart ached for them, and for Harry who had seen what happened.
"—And his children will be arriving there soon by Portkey."
"Sir?" Harry tried again.
Everard appeared back in his golden frame to hurriedly announce, "They've got him, Albus. It was close, but they think he'll make it. What's more, the Dark Lord failed to acquire it."
Lili's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Acquire what, exactly?"
Still, no one answered.
Harry tensed further, "Sir, if you could just—,"
"Oh, thank goodness," the Headmaster interrupted with a sigh of relief, pacing onto his next mission, "Next we need to—,"
"Look at me!" Harry suddenly roared, frightening everyone in the room, demanding their attention with his volume. He breathed in terror, "What's happening to me?"
Finally, finally, Dumbledore turned to look at him, wide—eyed and horrified.
Lili squeezed their hands between them, a pair of scrawny shoulders heaving with gasps.
Then, the door creaked and a familiar voice: "You wished to see me... Headmaster?"
Lili whirled round in relief while Harry sagged slightly at the sight of her father standing there in the doorway, face cautious and (dare she think it) concerned?
"Oh, Severus," said the Headmaster with a sigh, "I'm afraid we can't wait. Not even 'til the morning. Otherwise, we'll all be vulnerable."
Occlumency lessons, her mind immediately supplied.
When Severus dragged a rather numb—looking Harry from the Headmaster's office, and McGonagall escorted the Weasley's with a portkey to St. Mungo's, only Lili and Dumbledore were left. The silence felt suffocating, sucking out all the air in the room. Slowly, the girl turned the Headmaster with a fire burning where her heart used to be. She challenged:
"Where have you been?"
Lili was being beyond impertinent, but honestly, she didn't give a d—mn. He didn't look at all surprised by it, though, and perhaps that only made her angrier. He slowly settled back into his massive chair and intertwined his fingers atop his desk while he considered her.
"I'm afraid I have many responsibilities that extend beyond the reaches of this school."
"Really." Lili replied dryly, face quite still. "You're the Headmaster of this school, aren't you?"
Dumbledore's blue eyes no longer twinkled, and he gave her a reproachful look that made her bristle even further, "You — more than most, Lilium — understand that Headmaster is only one of my many titles, especially since the return of Voldemort."
She flinched. He didn't seem to notice.
"We've needed you. We've all needed you, but Harry the most."
"Lilium, I do quite understand your concern, and while I recognise our dear Mister Potter feels alone and upset—,"
"Oh, you recognise it, do you?" The girl sneered back, oh—so—rudely. "You don't see it like I do, Headmaster. You don't see him suffering, needing support, needing answers, like I do, because you choose not to look! Why don't you just look at him?!"
"I do see his suffering, Lilium, do not think me blind. I'm aware even now of how he must feel. His nature will demand that he protect us all, so I'll ask that you give him this message for me: 'stay where you are'."
She couldn't believe her f—cking ears.
"That's it?"
"That is all I can share."
"Then bloody share it yourself," Lili snapped viciously.
"Have you not considered why I have not confided every detail of my plans to Harry, Lilium? Have you never paused to note that following my orders has never yet led him to harm?"
"But that's not quite true, is it?" Lili stepped closer to his desk, boots thudding loudly against the marble. "It's harming him — right — now, and you know it."
Dumbledore sat himself taller in his chair, grey headed tilting back to observe her. "A war is being fought in the shadows, Lilium, and Voldemort is trying to bring it to the light. Someone must stand in the way of that, until Harry is ready to take my place."
So there it was then, said simple as that. Lili felt her anger make the blood rise to her pale face. She couldn't keep her voice from shaking with rage and more than a touch of fear. Striding to the exit, hand on the doorknob, she looked back and snapped, "You think Harry is a weapon in this war, Headmaster, but you forget that he is a person, too."
The door slammed shut behind her.
ϟ
Occlumency wasn't going to work.
After one lesson, Harry knew that already. He couldn't imagine what it would've been like, if their relationship was like it had been only a few years ago. It was invasive, and painful, but Snape wasn't cruel about it. Still, Harry knew it wasn't going to work.
What was it Snape said Voldemort could do to his mind?
'Read it, control it, unhinge it. In the past, it was often the Dark Lord's pleasure to invade the minds of his victims... creating visions designed to torture them into madness.'
Brilliant. Really bloody brilliant.
Hours and hours later, when Harry finally returned to Gryffindor Tower, no less pale and sweaty, he found Lili waiting for him in the common room. Only a few hours ago, her presence would've been an instant relief, but now, it made him only more anxious.
Lili quickly stood, "Harry—?"
Harry ignored her.
The fifteen year old stalked into his dorm and packed his trunk full of the barest essentials (his cloak, the map, his photo album, and the sketch Lili once gave him). His aching brain was teeming and seething with terrifying questions and ideas and assumptions and fears.
He was a monster. He was the monster.
There was a brief (so very brief) moment in the Headmaster's office when Harry's scar burnt white—hot, when he felt a hatred like he never could've imagined before — unbidden, unwanted, but terrifyingly strong. With that hatred, he'd wanted... He'd wanted to rip Dumbledore's throat out.
Harry was the snake, and Voldemort had possessed him, and he had to save who he could.
There was only one thing for it: he would have to leave Hogwarts.
Harry couldn't stay here, not when he was a danger to everyone he cared about. What if the next person to get mained and injured was Lili or Ron or Hermione or any of the others? No. No, he couldn't go to Grimmauld either where Sirius and the Order were safely hidden away. He was a danger to them. He was a danger to everyone.
He had no alternative, the plan was now this: he would have to return to Privet Drive.
With his belongings in hand, determination in his every step, Harry rushed back down the winding steps by the time Lili was only halfway up them.
"Are you running — away?"
His girlfriend looked neither shocked nor surprised, but irritated.
It made Harry tense when he replied shortly, "Not running away, no."
He dragged his trunk a few more steps, the resulting thuds matching the wild pounding of his heart.
"Well, let me make it easier for you, then," Lili hissed and threw a well—placed Featherlight charm at his trunk, making Harry nearly topple down the stairs. "This looks a lot like running away to me, Harry. So you better explain this because I know you too well to think you're trying to save your own neck."
"It's like you said, you know me too well." Harry snapped tersely, tugging the much lighter trunk finally into the common room. "It's not my own neck I'm saving, Lil."
"Well, don't bother being noble on our account, Harry!"
Stubborn as ever, mind made up, Harry ignored her.
His hand was on the back of the portrait when she called again, "While you were with Severus, I talked briefly with Dumbledore. He gave me a message for you."
Ah d—mn it, she did know him too well. Now, he had to spin round, unable to resist the desperate need for information. "What is it? What did he say?"
"Stay where you are."
"I haven't moved!" Harry exclaimed in confusion, hand still upon the portrait. "So what's the message?"
His girlfriend rolled her eyes, looking terribly weary all of the sudden. "I've just given it to you, you dunderhead. Dumbledore said, 'Stay where you are'."
"But why?" Harry asked eagerly, dropping the end of his trunk and quickly crossing the common room. "Why does he want me to stay? What else did he say, Lili?"
"Nothing because he's bloody Dumbledore and he's bloody unhelpful." Lili sighed heavily, scratching her eyebrow and pressing a shoulder into the wall, "He said nothing else, Harry, even when I asked."
Harry couldn't stand it anymore. His temper reared like a snake rising from the grass. He was tired and he was confused, and he was so done with this awful storm of constant anger and terror and relief. His bloody mind was falling apart and Dumbledore still didn't want to talk to him!
"So that's it, is it?" He demanded loudly, not yelling at her but at the whole bloody world. "Stay there? That's all anyone could tell me after I got attacked by those Dementors too! 'Just stay put while the grown—ups sort things out, Harry! We won't bother telling you anything, though, because your tiny little brain might not be able to cope with it!'"
Lili stared at him, long and hard, and he knew that she was as angry as him.
"I yelled at Dumbledore. I told him all of that. He said it was not us alone that recognised the danger, that realised that the Dark Lord was planning something..."
"So he admitted it, then?" Harry said swiftly, "That Riddle is planning something to do with me?"
"He didn't say."
"Right, fine, of course not!" Harry bellowed at the emptiness of the common room, "Go tell Dumbledore thanks for nothing!"
Eyes narrowing, Lili snapped back, "I am not your messenger owl, Harry! I'm not telling Dumbledore shite. I'm going to stand here and convince you not to run away."
Still fuming, Harry dragged his trunk close and dropped himself onto the top of it, burying his face in his hands. God, he had a headache. Everything ached, his body was heavy and sore. He felt as if he'd trekked the entire world on foot, and even now, there were still miles and miles to go.
"I'm not running away," he grumbled into his palms.
Lili didn't say anything for a while, simply biting her lip and carefully perching herself on the trunk at his side. Then, after at least ten minutes, she tentatively reached out and he eagerly intertwined their fingers. It seemed impossible that less than twenty—four hours ago the entirety of the Golden Quartet were having dinner in Snape's quarters. The anger sank back slightly, and he confessed:
"I'm sorry."
"I know you are," she lightly squeezed his hand, offering a self—deprecating smile. "I am too. I'm not very good at this 'comforting' thing."
"Well, I'm not very good at this 'controlling my emotions' thing," Harry offered her the same look. Then, his shoulders slumped and he looked down at their hands, chewing hard on his cheek. After a minute: "I won't hurt anybody else."
"You didn't hurt anyone, Harry."
"Then why was I the snake?"
"I dunno... " Lili tugged hard on one of her plaits, brow furrowed in thought. "You know, I think you need to remember that you might've been in Nagini's mind, but you didn't make her decisions. You would've never hurt Mister Weasley. You're in no more control of your dreams than I am of my visions."
Her visions. Harry's eyes closed. Perhaps that was why Lili understood him so well. He wasn't the only one seeing insane things that made you feel like you were losing your mind. They weren't the same, of course; while LIli was seeing flashes of the future, Harry saw things in real time... Things from Riddle's mind and through the eyes of his huge pet snake. Ugh.
Even now, Harry could feel himself sinking into the dreams of Riddle's thoughts. He was walking down a deserted corridor, past black tile walls, and towards a plain black door with a silver handle at its center... He reached the black door but could not open it... He stood gazing at it, desperate for entry... Something he wanted with all his heart lay beyond... A prize beyond his dreams...
Harry shook himself hard, coming back to this moment, to the here and now where Lili was by his side.
"I'm so tired, and I'm scared to sleep. But I don't know how long I can fight it. What if it happens again?"
Lili cradled his cheek in her palm, turning his face towards hers, expression open and waiting for him to continue. She didn't pepper him with questions or demand answers or ask him over and over if he was okay. He appreciated that more than he could say. After a moment, Harry felt a tightly held breath slowly seep from his aching lungs and he allowed himself to ask what he feared most:
"Snape told me... He told me Riddle could take over my mind. Do you... Do you think I'm being possessed?"
Lili bit harder into her bottom lip, but her considering expression reassured rather than terrified him. Quietly, she questioned, "Do you remember everything we've done together this year? Have you had black—outs? Are there blank spots in your memory? When you're awake, do you feel out of control of your actions — not your feelings, not your thoughts, but your actions themselves?"
"No... No, I don't think so."
"Then he hasn't possessed you, Harry. I do think the Dark Lord is trying to get into your mind, but he's not taken over you. You're still you. And we all know that you would never hurt any of us." She leant close, their faces nearly pressing when she whispered, "You don't scare me. And you never will."
Lili smiled gently, and after a bit, Harry smiled back.
"It hurts," he said after a minute, rubbing at his inflamed forehead. "It still... hurts. It's like I'm thinking through a haze."
LIli held his face, guided him close, and pressed a gentle kiss against his prickling scar.
"If it happens again, I'll be here for you. Always."
Harry believed her.
ANNIE SPEAKS
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TA—DAAAA! amidst all the craziness that was this chapter, you finally discovered lili's middle name!!! hopefully it wasn't a let down 😅 that whole dinner scene was so fun to write and was inspired by an excellent severitus story that i can no longer remember the name of, ugh. also,, harry is the reason for lili's patronus!! choosing what her patronus would be was easy because i really wanted it to match harry and also honor her dad. aaand we're finally near the famous occlumency scenes. how do you think those are going to go?
next chapter, we have Christmas in april!! who's ready for a very grimmauld Christmas??
leave your thoughts!!! love you all xxx
CHAPTER FORTY—FIVE :
"It was quite bold of you to name her after Harry's mother, but I can see how their personalities might resemble," said Sirius, louder than ever.
"Do not speak of — my daughter — to me, Black," spat Severus, whose voice, by contrast, was becoming more and more quiet.
"Or what?" Black taunted, but Severus remained silently, body utterly rigid. Black snorted and went on, "Harry has always been his father's son. I wonder how long it'll be before he manages to turn this Lili against you, too."
"Shut — up!"
Severus jerked forward, and in a flash, Black had raised his wand.
my meme for this chapter:
we love our goth dad in this house