◖𓈈﹗ ﹙ chapter forthy-four﹚
❛ ▬▬ JUDAS IS THE DEMON I CLING TO . . .❜
When Judas pulled her out of the diatribe with the Winchesters and Bobby, tears continued to stream down her face over what had happened. The emotional bond hung by a thin and confused thread that clouded her judgment even further. Lilith tried to understand the hunters' stance with as much respect as she could muster, but she had grown tired of the double standards and the stupid yardstick they used to measure good and bad deeds. It seemed they would always put her in the bad category and treat her like a lost child who didn't know what she was doing. And she knew very well; that's why when they teleported her to the study room, she had to talk to her boyfriend. Dorian had been brought there by the queen's orders to protect him from a future threat from the angels.
"I tried to talk to him, to explain what was happening. It was impossible; he didn't want to listen," murmured Judas. "Try to rest a bit, Lilith. It's been a horrible day. I'll be more attentive to you; just call me if you need anything." The demon wiped away the tear stains and gave him a beautiful smile.
Dorian was curled up on the couch, his legs so long they didn't fully fit, and his arms were tangled over his chest, muscles twisted, showing off their tension, indicating he must have had a terrible sleep. The witch approached silently, observing him like a stalking vampire. It must have taken the worst for her to finally realize that Dorian had become the most important person in the last few months. Her heart shrank when he wrinkled his nose and let out a small whimper. He was a handsome man; those who admired symmetrical beauty missed out on how fascinating asymmetry could be, and Dorian possessed eccentric features that stood out more when he was at rest. She particularly liked his hooked nose and his brown and green eyes. He was growing a mustache and a beard on his chin, giving him the appearance of someone in his thirties, already a gentleman. Lilith knelt down and kissed him on the lips to wake him up.
"Love?" sighed Dorian. Lilith smiled; he had called her love.
"How are you?" she tried to kiss him again, but Dorian pulled away. Damn it, he didn't want to forgive her. Dorian sat up heavily and took her hand, pulling her off the floor. "Forgive me, Dorian, please let me explain everything. I'll be honest with you."
Dorian's hands traced down to her waist, tenderly squeezing it, and played with her bare thighs, running and digging his fingers into her skin until they reached her exposed thong, making his boyfriend's cheeks turn reddish.
"I don't know how to tell you no, Lilith. I can't tell you no," he admitted in a calm tone, without adding fuel to the fire. Dorian had been lost in her nudity until he wasn't anymore; he rested his forehead on her belly and kissed her there. "I've never felt this way about anyone before, never been so in love."
"I don't want to lose you, Dorian. I want to be with you," Lilith began to shake her head. "Yes, I want to, Dorian, I don't want you out of my life, please, don't leave me." Lilith hugged him by the head, burying her fingers in his long raven hair. "Hands now, you need my protection."
"No, I don't need it."
"The angels..."
"I'll be with my mom in the coven for a while, but that's none of your business," he was afraid of what it meant. "Why weren't you honest from the beginning? Didn't you trust me?"
"I didn't know how to," she replied. "Please sit down; we need to talk without starting a fight. Can we do that? Can we be a hundred percent honest with each other?"
Lilith nodded, tears welling up, taking a seat beside him as Dorian took her hands, turning enough to look into each other's eyes, without hair hiding the lies.
"Okay," he responded, maintaining calmness. "You start; you deserve it. I've been behaving horribly." Dorian didn't deny it as he used to whenever she made a bad comment about him; his decaying heart missed hearing praises and affectionate words.
"From the moment I asked you to be my girlfriend, I told you I wanted a future with you. I was thinking that in a couple of years, I'd propose to you, and then we'd have children, beautiful daughters just like you, and I'd like to adopt a son. I thought eventually you'd prefer to have a normal life with me over witchcraft and the supernatural world. Lilith, I don't care that you're a witch; in fact, I like that you are. I don't mind if you gain more powers and dedicate your life to studying magic as long as you can divide it with the mundane, with what I want and do. But I feel like it doesn't matter to you; you don't want to move towards the same future."
"I want you in my life," Lilith interrupted, raising her voice a bit. She immediately regretted it and corrected her behavior. "Dorian, I really want us to be a couple."
"You want me in your life, but you don't want to be in mine. Lilith," he let go of her hand. "What's your plan with all this? Is it just revenge, or what have you done with the other Lilith?"
"I made a deal: she grants me a talk with my mother, and I help her win the apocalypse. That's what it's all about," for a moment, the silence was devastating, and she thought the same thing would happen as with the Winchesters and Bobby. They wouldn't understand her and would start arguing.
"Okay," he said calmly, thinking as if he were in one of his business meetings. "You just want to talk to your mom." Lilith nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat because bringing up the topic of her mother made her sensitive, turned her into a scared little girl. "And what are you going to ask her?"
Lilith lowered her head and used her magic to summon her cat, laying it on her lap and began to stroke it. It made her feel relaxed, helping her to maintain what little sanity she had left. The drug helped dull the impact of the negative emotions on her body. Dorian was being understanding, staying silent to listen to her explanation, and he hadn't been scared off by talking to the Queen of Hell; he didn't even seem disturbed.
"I'll tell her the truth," Lilith had to clear her throat; her voice had become the embodiment of fragility. "I'll tell her how I've felt since she's been gone, and I'll beg her to let me bring her back to life."
"And then what?"
"She'll say yes, and then I'll revive her, and I'll be happy again," Lilith said in a simple statement that brought a smile to her face. Lilith believed in her words and was determined to make them happen.
Dorian had a different opinion. There was no pleasure on his face at the witch's plans.
"And what if she says no? What if Lilith doesn't win the war? What will happen to you? What will you do if that happens?"
"I-" Lilith couldn't finish the sentence. The answer reminded her of the expression Dean had made when he exposed his lack of weight and said, with firm words, that he wanted to die. It had broken her heart.
Lilith firmly believed that her mother would understand her actions and praise her for crossing an ocean of shit just to talk to her and ask for her consent. It might sound strange and a bit stupid. Lilith knew what the limits were, and she was sure her mom-despite her Christian devotion-would seek justice and a favorable outcome for both parties, just what the Queen of Hell sought and was not granted. So, how could her mother not understand her? Of course, she would! And her answer would be the blessing to bring her back to life. In a perfect world, with Lilith ruling the three realms, she could get her mother's soul from heaven, and the rest would be witchcraft. Very heavy, difficult, but not impossible. She would do it, and there would be no more injustices. She would be one of the most powerful witches and an ally of the victor. No one would mess with her, and she would have the chance to live as she pleased.
Thinking about the worst-case scenario made her finger dance, and the blood burned throughout her body. If mom didn't want her to revive her and the Queen of Hell lost... Lilith would still turn to her mother for one last guidance. She wasn't a bad daughter; she wouldn't tell her mom she wanted to go to heaven with her. What daughter could say that to her mother's face? The words wouldn't come out, and she didn't want her mother to live tormented for all eternity. She would lie, the biggest of lies.
"Lilith, you've complained many times that the angels won't let you die. I thought you were joking, and all attempts to prove it were just that. But today, you screamed at the angels to kill you, that God should order it. Look me in the eyes and tell me that if everything goes wrong, you won't try to kill yourself."
How insensitive her heart was that Dorian's torment in his eyes was enough for her to understand the difficulty of honesty, that after all she had done, she couldn't open the last key to her heart to the person asking to stay by her side. Lilith took a vow of silence and could only maintain eye contact for a few seconds. Dorian had taken the last shred of love.
"I want to be in heaven, and the angels won't let me in. My mother is there, and if I die, I'll go to hell. I'll become a demon and do everything to rest in heaven."
Dorian nodded repeatedly, letting out a sigh accompanied by a small smile and a few tears.
"And when were you going to tell me that you don't want the same thing as me? I feel like such an idiot," Anger tried to take hold of him. "I introduced you to my whole family; my dad thinks I'll marry you. My mom is happy with you; you're a witch. I opened up to you; I've put all my trust in you, and five days later, we're here. For you to tell me you'd rather die than leave everything behind and start a life with me?"
"Dorian!" Lilith understood a part of him. "From what you've told me about your life, I love you more. It just made you more beautiful than you already are. That will never be a problem for me, never Dorian. And I really wish I could leave everything behind right now, but I can't. I need to talk to my mom, and this is the only way I have. I know I don't deserve to ask you to wait for me," she squeezed his hand tightly, intertwining her fingers with his. "I want you to know that I didn't lie when I said I would like to have a future with you, doing the things you want, in your world of industry and business."
"You're asking me to wait for the best outcome to happen. You're very selfish, Lilith. Do you really love me or just like being loved? I feel like you're in love with what I give you and not with me."
He still held her fingers entwined with Lilith's bony ones, unwilling to let go, but his grip wasn't as firm as before. Dorian stroked the back of her hand with a distant look in his eyes. Lilith hugged him suddenly, very tightly, resting her head on Dorian's chest and listened to the heartbeat. It wasn't true. Lilith found it hard to tell if she loved someone purely. He was her first serious boyfriend, a type of relationship she had never understood, and she didn't know if her feelings were as intense as his for her; Lilith loved Dorian, in some incomprehensible way in her eyes, but she did, and the idea of losing him made her act with all her weapons. Dorian's love was gigantic, and she liked being intoxicated by it, knowing that at home, she had someone waiting to show her love. Damn, maybe she was in love with how much he loved her, and that meant she was selfish.
Lilith dug her nails into Dorian's heart, feeling the beats and the intensity with which he had driven her breath crazy. The witch's face had red, shiny cheeks from the tears, red eyes from anger and drugs, and swollen lips that caught her boyfriend's. One short kiss after another, seeking reciprocity.
"No," murmured Dorian, and Lilith stopped. "You're going to kill me," he said, licking his lower lip, desiring her. His words said one thing, and his body was trembling. Lilith had put herself inches from his face; a few inches, and they would be together. "You don't answer," he smiled ironically with his large, slightly unkempt teeth, like hers. "I hate you!" he shouted.
Dorian took her by the waist and placed her on top of him, kissing her again as if it were the last time he would do so. The movement of his lips didn't let her breathe; his arms formed a cage that led her to touch his large, firm torso. Dorian grabbed her by the neck and attacked her with kisses aggressively.
"Don't leave me," Lilith pleaded, resting her forehead against Dorian's, taking a breath. "Don't do it now; I need you." Dorian pulled away and cradled Lilith's face in his hands.
"Things have changed, Lilith, and I don't want to wait for you anymore. Not in these conditions, not when you can't keep a promise. If everything goes wrong, I'm not your option; you want to commit suicide rather than be with me. Suicide, Lilith! Do you realize how serious that is?"
"Do you want me to promise you that if everything goes wrong, I'll go with you?" Lilith said, tears streaming down her face.
"No, I'm not an idiot. You'll promise, and it will be a lie. I know you; I know what you do when you're desperate to win. You're deceitful. Lilith, I swear I don't want to leave you; I need you too, and I'll keep loving you. I won't be able to forget you so easily, but I can't stay when I know you'll end up killing me if you die. Did you think about how I would feel?"
Lilith got off him, defeated. The headache had become unbearable, so she ended up curing it with magic and, in the process, controlled the pains her body was feeling, like the tight knot in her throat and the intense beating of her heart.
"Fine," she said bitterly. She was angry about losing Dorian. She needed him; she didn't plan for him to forget her so quickly. She had heard clearly that he wouldn't stop loving her, and she was sure of that. "Can we stay in touch?"
"What does that entail?"
"If I call you, you answer. I want to know you're okay; the angels might try to kill you again. I'll be worried about you; just answer my calls. Can we do that?"
Dorian ran his hands over his face and slumped onto the couch. Lilith patiently waited for a response without rushing him.
"Okay," he finally agreed, relaxed. "No physical meetings," he set a limit.
"As you wish."
The next few days had been very depressing for the young witch. She had sent some demons to retrieve her belongings from Dorian's house, and the Queen of Hell had taken her in a bedroom on the edge of Hell and Earth, a few meters from the study room. A room of rocky and dark stone, like the rest of hell. A gothic decoration that the queen had offered to change if it wasn't to her liking. She didn't care about the room as long as she had a place to sleep. Her house in Massachusetts was off-limits; she had no intention of stepping foot in it. She wasn't ready. She preferred the enormous bed where eight girls could fit, the heavy hanging fabrics, and the furniture that was scary, a gothic architecture that made her feel like a teenager obsessed with a toxic relationship between a vampire and a human. Lilith was lying on the
bed. She had been surprised to find several missed calls from Mandy and Galilea, and also from Sam. She didn't respond to any of them because she was embarrassed to talk about her situation related to her ex-boyfriend. She had thought they were already tired of her and had ended the relationship; seeing that they cared cheered her up for a few hours. Lilith had her phone in her hands, rereading Sam's long message over and over.
Sammy Boy,
I've been thinking a lot about what you said the last time we met. You didn't give me a chance to respond; you'd be surprised by what I was going to tell you. I heard that Dorian broke up with you; it's a shame, I guess. I'd like to talk face to face; you're still my best friend, and I care about you.
I know I've been a total idiot these past few months. I can't apologize enough; you were there for me when my father died and supported me through all the vision stuff; you always supported me in all my decisions.
Please, Lilith, I want to talk to you. 20/10. Witchy Coffee. 142 Derby St, Salem. 15:00 hs.
"Still not responding?" Judas appeared in her room with glasses in hand and a bottle of red wine. He sat on the bed with her.
"Nope."
"Are you going?"
"I don't know."
He passed her a glass, and she tasted the wine in a long sip.
"To me, it seems like Sam thinks a lot more like you than Dean does, and if you sit down and talk as friends, you might understand each other. Didn't you consider him your best friend?" Lilith affirmed gutturally, exhausted mentally. "Why is he your best friend?"
"We grew up together, and every time he came to my house, we spent twenty-four hours playing, watching movies, or doing something. He couldn't do that when he was in motels, so he took advantage at my house. We played a lot," Lilith answered with a nostalgic smile. "And then, as teenagers, he was a very lonely boy; I was the only friend he could keep and trust. I never had real friends, just the typical ones to go partying or to the mall after class. Sam was my best friend, and then I had a best friend, a sister. With Sam, I had a lot of trust; I've told him secrets, and he knows the worst things about me. I was very surprised that he thought I was a bitch for drinking the stupid demon's blood."
"Hadn't you left that behind?"
"Yeah, but..." she trailed off, pouring herself a second glass. "The damage was already done."
"Go, let him talk; he seems interested in fixing things. He worried about your breakup with Dorian; he still cares about you," When Judas mentioned Dorian, she felt a black cloud overshadow her vision. "Come on, Lilith, am I not allowed to mention him now?"
"No, it's just, I don't know, I hate that he left me; it feels like a betrayal. And the worst part is that I understand it! I haven't been the best girlfriend in the world, but... he said he would love me unconditionally."
Judas let out a series of giggles that piqued the witch's curiosity. The demon's glass was empty in a second, and when he saw Lilith's pout, he rolled his eyes, exhausted.
"Okay, you win; it's a good time to tell you what happened with Jesus," Lilith crossed her legs and positioned herself facing him, like a little girl waiting to hear a story.
"I was a slave of a Jewish master back then; he mostly used me for sex. One day, I was washing my master's clothes by the river when Jesus appeared. I swear, all the sun's rays belonged to him; they illuminated him; they introduced him to me as the purest thing in the universe. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, and, in fact, I was afraid of him. Jesus didn't say anything; he just stood by my side and helped me finish my task. When we were done, he asked me to go with him. He would treat me better, like a person, and I accepted."
"Was he the son of God?" Lilith asked intrigued. She calmed her curiosity a bit upon noticing that Judas was drinking from the wine bottle with speed, and his eyes had turned glassy. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, yes, I haven't told this story in a long time," he drank a full glass and continued. "Jesus was a very wise and emotional man. He had a captivating aura around him, always calm and compassionate. He dedicated his life to others selflessly. His speech was magical; his preaching was noble; truly, he only wanted peace in the world and preached it by example. I fell in love with him and followed him as his disciple. To this day, I don't know if he was the son of God; not even Lilith has been able to tell me. The only thing I know for sure was his fondness for the supernatural. He did perform miracles; he healed the sick with potions and made the lands fertile. He had this close touch with nature."
"Like a witch?"
"No, not like you. He was different, unique, and my love for him was gigantic. I believed in his teachings and preached them honorably in the lowest strata of society, among other slaves and beggars. I obeyed him; he was my greatest love, blind, unconditional," Judas dropped the glass from his hand; it rolled off the bed and crashed to the floor. The demon took another deep breath. "I understand what Dorian feels for you; I know what it's like to be filled with love for someone. I see in his actions a reflection of what I did. He's not lying to you when he says you'll end up killing him. Dorian is a very wise and brave man to leave before his world collapses. My loyalty to Jesus, my love for him, killed me. He asked me to betray him; it was God's plan. He needed to prove he was the true messiah and had to perform the most miraculous act of all, resurrection. I betrayed him. I thought I could handle it, obviously, I couldn't bear the pain. The apostles hated me, the people I considered family wanted to sentence me to death, I was left alone, with no one. No friends, no family, no love. So, I killed myself and was sent to hell. I spent centuries blaming myself for my betrayal, hating myself for it. I regretted following Jesus. I hated him as much as I loved him. I sought ways to get revenge, to end Christianity, burn all the Bibles, and persecute anyone who wanted to build churches. I was one of the worst living demons, responsible for many atrocities.
"What kind?" Lilith asked, shocked.
"Wars between kings, plagues, persecutions of Christians, I suggested Copernicus the model of the universe, all out of spite for Jesus. I've been terrible for centuries, until a priest exorcised me and locked me in hell. I was lucky to have been sent near Lilith's exile; I heard her screams and alerted all of hell that I had found the queen. She helped me leave my resentment behind and accept that my death was my fault. My decisions condemned me, my immaturity, my lack of intelligence, I was the one who fell in love and couldn't say no. My fault. I understand Dorian and I understand you, I have been left with nothing, and I don't want you to make my mistakes. Sam wants to talk, listen to him patiently."
The demon could have a harmonious face, like that of a doll with full lips and round eyes with a touch of mystery; at that moment, when her past had been exposed, Lilith saw a glassy layer form around her eyes, and she tensed her shoulders trying not to collapse her position of strength. Lilith Arduenn hugged her, finding comfort in her. She had wanted to know her story for months, imagined a thousand versions. The true one impressed her more than expected-and she was expecting an epic story-realizing that the origin of her betrayal was love had managed to calm the eruption of resentment towards Dorian, the Winchester brothers, and Bobby. It helped her release the shame of admitting her deepest mistakes, like the time she didn't mention the first failed rescue attempt of her mother and now, thinking she would lose in the apocalypse. Another failure on the list. Judas wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder.
"I thought you would hate me," the demon confessed.
"Why?"
"The evils I caused."
"I forgive your sins, Judas," Lilith said, stroking his hair, offering her support. It wasn't easy to talk about the past and mistakes. If she could forgive Judas, she could talk to her best friend and resume the relationship they had lost.
"Thank you, Lilith."
📬！▬ author's note
judaas's past!!!!
soo, dorian and lilith are not together anymore :( honestly i was really liking this couple, i was infatuated with dorian, but i keep my original idea.
Death forever <3 (for those who don't know, death is the ship between lilith and dean)