Indi
I was able to distract myself with the mountain of assignments I have, but it's now 4:00 which means the two-hour break is soon. Furthermore, Ezra and I will be in the same vicinity outside of school.
Even in classrooms, it's absolute torture to be near him. Every shared glance reminds me of the one thing that I haven't told him.
That I'm officially falling and it's too late to get back up and walk away from these feelings.
The longer I hold this secret to myself, the longer the anxiety around him will build up. I don't want to push him of all people away, especially after losing Honey–which I can't think about without wanting to break down. So I have to find some way to relax around him before it gets to that point.
And then a horrifying thought hits me.
What if I have another panic attack?
That was genuinely one of the scariest moments of my life. It was two days ago and I'm still a little on edge. I still feel a sharp ache throughout my torso here and there. I cannot go through another one of those.
My eyes shift over to my phone which sits in a dark void on my bed.
One more question, I tell myself. Then I'll be done with my Trigonometry homework and I can make any bad decision I want.
Between my lack of efficiency when it comes to math and the distractions sitting heavy in my head, the single question takes me almost ten minutes to complete.
I get out of my chair and sit on my bed to text Ezra.
Me: I'll come over to your house, if that's okay
Me: Are you there right now?
My whole body feels full of nothing but air as I wait for him to respond. I almost jump out of my skin when I read his one-word reply.
Ezra Clancy: Yup
I take a quick look at the outfit I have on: a black baby-tee that says hopeless romantic and black sweatpants. And just because it might be cold outside, I throw on Ezra's black zip-up hoodie.
It feels like I'm floating outside of my body as I make my way downstairs. Dad is in the kitchen, typing on his laptop and I almost make it past him.
"Where are you going?" he asks as I'm turning to the living room.
"Uh, for a walk." The lie rolls off my tongue and I give him an attempt at a smile as I turn back around to face him.
He gives me a knowing look. "Stay safe."
I cringe at the double meaning of his statement. "Dad, you know I'm not..." I swallow nothing. "I'm not going to put myself in danger."
"I know," he says. "I love you."
"I love you too."
My heart feels like it's going to burst out of my ribcage when I turn around and walk through the living room. Thankfully, there's no Lucas, but just the thought of him is enough to make me feel a little guilty. Even somewhat selfish.
But I have the right to do something for myself every once in a while, right?
I exit my house and a gust of wind blows some hair into my face. Gray clouds block the sky from my view. A storm is brewing. Both literally and metaphorically.
Maybe I should just turn back around and not be so impulsive.
But is it really so impulsive if all I think about is how badly I want him?
Yup. Still impulsive.
Don't cower out of this, Indi.
I close my eyes, taking one long breath before going down the steps of my porch.