Before I knew it, Friday arrived and so did the looming threat of the Halloween party. I stood in front of my mirror, trying to encourage myself to feel better about it, to think about how good I look in this black sweatshirt, about how Phil will be there.
I won't be able to talk to Phil much, though. Chris, which, ever since Cat pointed it out, has become more obvious, gets extremely jealous of me. When Phil and I are talking, Chris always seems to pull Phil away or steal the last word of our conversation. I made a mental note of keeping my conversations with Phil short until I could text or call him later.
We've had several phone calls over the past couple of days. Sometimes, Phil will call me about random things, like to ask why dinosaurs survived a long time with such small arms, and I would call him insisting that I tried to call Cat instead. Each time we end up staying on the line until the phone hung up automatically.
My hair was starting to get wavy again, seeing as it was this morning since I straightened it. I decided to leave it as is, though, because of what Phil said a while ago.
"Your hair curly looks nice."
He was probably just trying to make me feel better, but it still makes my heart flutter.
I fixed my fringe and left my bathroom, taking breaths to prepare myself. "Bye sweetie!" My mom called as I walked past her bedroom. I just told her I was going to Phil's to hang out with him instead of that I was going to a party. I don't think that'd go over well with her.
"Bye," I returned, skipping down the steps and out my front door.
Zoe's house was only a few blocks away, so I decided to walk there. Cat said she was going early to help set up, so I traveled alone. I didn't mind because it gave me more time to mentally prepare myself.
Zoe's house was bright blue with green shutters. For some reason, that seems exactly like the house she would live in.
I knocked on the door, and it opened, revealing a boy who looked to be about thirteen or fourteen.
"The basement," he looked miserable as he spoke and pointed to a door. He must be Zoe's brother.
"Thanks," I mumbled, making my way past him and to the door he pointed at. I opened the door and a wave of sound hit me like a truck. There was laughing and screaming and talking and a little music that could barely be heard.
Zoe stumbled to the foot of the stairs and looked up at me, squinting. "Oh, hey, Dan!" She shouted happily. I smiled and started to walk down the stairs carefully. I saw what looked like a foot right next to Zoe, but the rest of the body was cut off by the wall.
"Hey, sorry I'm a bit late," I apologized, even though it was insincere. I purposefully came late, and I'm going to purposefully leave early.
The owner of the foot came out behind the wall and I saw that it was Phil. He smiled up at me, and my heart clinched at the sight.
"Hey! I was waiting for you!" Phil exclaimed as I reached the foot of the stairs. Zoe pushed a cup into my hand, thankfully without touching me, and leaned in uncomfortably close to me.
"Everyone has to have a drink in their hand at all times. House rules," she whispered seductively. I nodded and took a whiff of the drink. I had to hold back a gag at the strong scent.
"Thanks," I murmured, and she walked off, still watching me.
"She is still very determined to get you in bed," Phil commented.
"You succeeded in doing that, didn't you?" I replied without thinking. Phil snorted and blushed a little. My heart stopped; did I just make an innuendo?
"There you are," the person with the annoying voice came up behind Phil, leaning against him. I could tell that he was probably slightly drunk. "I was looking for you."
"I was just saying hi to Dan," Phil said.
"I'm gonna go find Cat," I excused myself. Phil looked like he was about to say something but stopped himself. I turned around with great reluctance and went on my way to find my other friend.
It wasn't hard to find her. She was draped around Marcus, holding onto him while he talked to others. He seemed to be enjoying himself, too.
"Hey," Cat greeted, unwrapping herself from Marcus. "Did you find Phil?"
"Yeah, he's with Chris," I grumbled. "Are you enjoying yourself?" I asked, referring to her and Marcus.
She giggled. "Great time, he's so wonderful," she said dreamily.
"Enjoy," I laughed and walked away.
I kind of wandered around with the cup of whatever in my hand, awkwardly greeting a few people that I hardly know. Eventually I found a slightly less crowded area and leaned against the wall, watching the different people mingle.
One guy was flirting with a girl who could care less; another guy, who seems to be far more interested in the ceiling fan than the story his drunk friend is telling him; a girl who looks like she's about to puke all over her friend; so many different stories.
Zoe walked up and leaned against the wall next to me. "Phil is gay."
"Yeah."
"Did you know?" She asked, her eyes slightly drooping. She looked exhausted, and her words were slurring slightly. She must've drank a lot already.
"Sort of," I confirmed.
She stared off for a second, then her mood completely changed. "Dan, have you ever kissed anyone?"
"Uh, no," I stuttered slightly. She peered up at me.
"That's adorable."
"Okay," I stated plainly.
"Do you want to kiss me?" She turned around and got really close to me, making my heart pick up speed. No, I can't have a panic attack every time I leave the house.
"No offense, but not really," I mumbled, trying to back away. She continued walking toward me, until my back was pressed against the corner of the room.
"Are you sure?" She giggled. She was close enough to me to where I could smell the liquor on her breath mingled with her perfume. She bunched her hand up in my sweatshirt, but didn't actually touch me. I silently thanked every god I knew of for wearing a loose hoodie. She pulled me down closer to her, until her eyes were level with mine. "Are you really sure?"
I couldn't move, for fear of her touching me. I had to pull away or she would try to kiss me, but my body was frozen.
Just think about calm things. Puppies. Happiness. Naps.
Her lips crashed against mine, and I felt my brain spin out of my head.
Kittens. Warmth. Phil.
She released me and backed away, a huge smile on her face. "I kissed Dan Howell!" She shouted, and took off.
I held myself against the wall, trying to break out of the fuzzy feeling I was falling into. I felt some people watching me, smirking and talking about the scene that just unfolded. I felt my way down the wall, keeping my back against it so I wouldn't fall. My hand finally came to a door, which was thankfully slightly ajar. I pushed it open and walked in, closing the door behind me. As soon as the door clicked shut, my body completely melted into the panic attack I was avoiding. I saw black spots appear in the corner of my eyes, and my heart was beating far too fast to be healthy.
I kneeled down and placed my forehead on the floor, trying to steady my breaths.
Damn Zoe, this is the second time she's brought on a panic attack. Why was she so interested in me anyways? I'm just boring, weird, Dan Howell.
My vision started to go black. Think the happy thoughts again. Cookies. Blankets. Hugs. Phil's hugs. Phil. His smile. His laugh. The way his hair always falls into his eyes. The way he holds me. Phil.
I must have tricked myself into thinking that Phil was there, because I swore I felt his arms around me. I swore I could smell him. I swore he was breathing against my neck. I swore he was whispering things to me.
It's okay. I'm here. You're okay.
I embraced the phantom presence of Phil, pretending he was actually there. I could feel my mouth moving, but I didn't hear any words coming out of my mouth.
There was nothing else I could do. I had to wait for myself to calm down, to breathe slower.
My hands bunched into what felt like fabric. Why was there fabric? It was soft, but there was something firmer underneath it.
Oh god, it was somebody holding me.
Phil was actually there.
I started to whisper things, I could feel the breath falling out of my mouth with every syllable.
"Phil. Don't leave. Stay. Please."
The arms around me tightened, and I felt unconsciousness pulling me into the darkness. I thought I heard Phil whisper something else:
"I'm here forever."
---
Phil POV (plot twist hehe)
I heard excited yelling from another room.
"Is that Zoe?" Chris asked, looking around.
His question was answered when Zoe ran into the room, out of breath. Everyone around us got quiet as we waited for Zoe to say what she wanted to say.
She raised her hands in the air, and shouted, "I kissed Dan Howell!"
My heart dropped lower than I thought it could ever go. She kissed Dan? And he allowed her to? There is no way. She had to have forced it on him.
Which means he's probably alone. And suffering.
"Shit," I muttered under my breath. "Chris, I gotta go find Dan."
His eyebrows furrowed and a frown found his face. "You're always going after Dan."
"Well, he kinda fucking needs me right now," I argued, pulling myself away from him and handing him my drink. My brain just kept repeating the same thing: Dan. Dan. Dan.
"What is going on between you two?" Chris snapped. "Are you two a thing or something?"
"Unfortunately, no," I shouted. Chris looked taken aback by what I just said. I couldn't deny it anymore: I had serious feelings for Dan. They started forming around the time Cat had pointed out to me how "perfect" we are together. I just didn't think Dan was interested.
Dan and I were sitting at his kitchen table, studying for the chemistry test. He was on the phone, looking pretty frustrated.
Dan handed me the phone, a scowl on his face. I took it happily. "Hello?"
"Phil, hi!"
I smiled. She has so much energy all the time. "Hi Cat!"
"Listen, do you think Dan is even slightly attractive?"
I paused for a moment. "I don't know."
"If she's being weird, just tell her to stop," Dan said angrily. I just flashed him a smile, trying to be reassuring. Looking at him, I realized he was attractive. His dimples he gets when he's happy, the way his eyes always show what he's feeling, the way his hair falls perfectly on his forehead.
"I mean, I guess," I answered finally. She giggled on the other line of the phone.
"So, would it be possible for you to develop feelings for Dan?" She breathed.
I paused again. I could definitely see it happening. He was easy to like. "Yeah."
She squeezed loudly. "Okay, that's it, bye," she said.
Ever since that conversation, I've been picking up on more and more things about Dan, like the fact that he pretends that he hates bad jokes, yet he always laughs at them. And that he is incredibly smart, but he acts so modestly. And the fact that I'm the only person that is able to touch him.
"Me or him, Phil," Chris demanded. I hated when people made me choose, so it was an easy question to answer.
"Him," I said, and stormed out of the room. I hurried through the crowd, my head buzzing with thoughts of what could be going on right now. What if he fainted somewhere hidden? Or someone else found him and is messing with him?
I sped up, finding the room he was last seen in. I saw a sweat stain on the wall in the shape of a hand print facing toward a door sitting in the wall. I opened the door immediately, and found Dan sitting on his knees with his head against the floor. He was mumbling things to himself.
I dropped to my knees and pulled him into my body.
"It's okay, I'm here, it's okay," I spoke soothingly. I felt Dan sob against me softly.
His face was in my shoulder, and I could feel his lips moving against my skin without any words coming out. How could Zoe do this to him? I can't really blame her, though. She didn't know.
His hand bunched into the back of my shirt, pulling some of the skin on my back with it, but I didn't mind. I just wanted him to be okay.
His rapid breathing hitched, and he released my shirt. He laid his hand flat against my back softly. "Phil, don't leave. Stay, please," he moaned softly into my shoulder. I shuttered at the thought of me ever leaving him alone to suffer through this. He needed me. I needed him, too. I was never going to let him go through this alone again. I pulled him even closer to me, letting a tear fall down my face.
"I'm here forever," I said, and placed a soft kiss on his forehead as he went limp in my arms.