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Y U D H I S H T H I R
I chugged down the third glass of water but even after that I was in my senses. I wanted to loosen up myself and sleep. But sleep was miles away from my eyes.
My life has fucked up. Everything is getting out of my control. In the past when I wasn't married, things were not complicated then. I knew each and everything but now I don't know anything. I am losing my control, I am losing my authority and biggest of all I am losing myself.
I never thought that this twenty year old girl would affect me like this. She would possess control over me.
A lot of things are happening and the biggest problem is that my three men are missing. Their phones are switched off and we don't have any information about them.
After gulping down the fourth glass of alcohol I stood up and threw the glass and bottles on the floor. Breaking things gives me little peace when I am angry.
"Yudhishthir...." I heard her voice and looked up. Ruhi was standing at the door and I blinked my eyes several times to ensure that whether I was hallucinating or not.
I rubbed my eyes with both of my hands and again looked at her. She was standing at the door and her eyes were also red. Slowly the anger in me started melting.
You can't let her have this much control of you Yudhishthir. No, DON'T MELT.
"Go away." I snapped at her but she was adamant. She closed the door behind her and started taking small steps towards me.
"I SAID FUCKING GO BACK." She flinched at my loud voice. I took three long calculative steps towards and harshly grabbed her shoulder. But this time she successfully ditched my hold and pushed me back.
"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE A JERK?" She shouted back at me. She did not visit her dad's restaurant with Ahaan, she was somewhere else. She fucking lied to me and she was asking what was my problem.
I let out a sinister chuckle and my words which I said further were laced with anger and betrayal,
"You didn't go to your father's restaurant with your brother. You lied to me. At least nothing but I expected some decency and truthfulness from your side. But no, you always lie to me. Every fucking time you lie to me."
"Because you never understand me. You try to control me not help or protect me. Whenever Yudhishthir, I try to have some soft and casual conversation with you, you put me off saying that I talk a lot or you are busy. No doubt you have taken stands for me in front of your family but that's not enough. Having sex is not the only part or purpose of marriage, it is much more than that. It's about love, care, responsibility, compatibility and understanding. But..." Her words angered me further and I cut off her in between.
"Just stop and don't irritate me or provoke me to hurt you again." I joined my hands in front of her. She nodded with a sad smile and was going to leave but turned back and said ,"I know I am not mature,I know that I am a forced burden on you. You never wanted to marry but remember Yudhishthir that even I was not happy with this proposal."
Her steps halted and she turned back again when my words fell in her ears ,"But you talk about falling in love with me."
"I just wish I could stop myself." She whispered and I closed my eyes.
"Don't let your emotions overpower. You will be hurt because....."
"Because I know that you will never love me." She completed my sentence and trailed off," But I am not weak that I won't accept my emotions and feelings. If I will fall in love with you then I will love you with my whole heart. But remember Yudhishthir that I will start hating you then I will loath you with every inch of myself. I am not weak."
We both stood in front of each other, staring in each other's eyes trying to find answers for our questions, solutions for our problems. Her words stabbed my heart. I cannot afford her love but I cannot live or survive with her hate.
Her words were bitter yet sweet. I felt myself pondering about love and hate. What is she falls in love with me? She will hurt herself.
And
What if she starts loathing or hating me? She will kill me. She will hurt me so bad that I won't be able to heal my soul ever.
"Where did you go?" She looked taken aback when I asked her. Only I know that how much restless I was when she disappeared like that. But she will never understand me. She will always blame me.
"Why are you asking me this?" She fired back at me and wiped her tears. But again fresh tears appeared in her eyes. "You don't even care for me."
"Just answer me." I looked away from her.
"I won't tell you. It's mine and Ahaan's matter, so don't interfere." I glared at her and she glared back at me with same intensity. She was wiping her tears continuously and I felt an urge to wipe them. I raised my hand to do so but she slapped my hand backwards.
"Just tell me Ruhi." She tried to decipher the reason the question I was throwing at her through my eyes. I raised my eyebrows and she again wiped her tears. Those salty water droplets flowing from her eyes were pinching my heart.
"Don't worry that I won't satisfy you, I will always open my legs for yo....."
Her words died in her mouth when I pulled her towards me and joined our lips. I harshly bit her lower lip and lifted her up, making her sit on the table in my study. Our eyes were open and our lips joined. We both were still and were looking deeply and directly in each other's soul.
Those black eyes of her's were haunting me and those questions they were throwing at me were scaring the heart of the heartless person like me. I don't know but she has some power on me. Power that no one ever possessed.
Power to hurt me.
I never cared about anything or anyone. Even when I was a child I was introverted and never made friends. Girls were never in my bucket list but this girl, who is my wife has blown the sense out of me.
I don't love her but I do have something for her. Which I never had for someone. I closed my eyes and moved my lips over hers. But instead of moving her lips she bit my upper lip and a metallic taste of blood envolped my mouth.
Still I didn't let go of her and after kissing her harshly for a few minutes I let go of her and said ,"Never say that."
"Then what should I say?" Her question came out as a mere whisper and I felt fresh drops of tears again coming out her eyes.
Stop crying Ruhi.
She took a deep breath and tried to smile but failed miserably.
"I asked you something Yudhishthir?" She looked down and I answered,"Anything but not this. I respect you , so don't."
"Respect me? Then why did you do this?" She pointed towards her arm. My eyes widened when I saw red fingerprints there and bluish blood clot.
I would never physically abuse her. This happened by mistake. I was tensed and angry. I reacted ruthlessly. I was blinded by resentment.
I was outraged.
I traced her wound and I felt like punishing myself. Physically hurting her was never my motive though mentally hurting her is my motive. Because it's better she starts loathing me, it would be good for her only.
Forget about me, she is just twenty and she is full of love, care and peace. Loving me will only give her torture and hurt. But hating me will give her a choice and chance. To live her life again. I am not selfish.
It's better to kill myself than snatching away the happiness from her forever.
"I am sorry." I apologised to her in a soft tone. My own tone made me question my own self. Is this me only?
"What will I do with your sorry Yudhishthir, you hurt me badly? " She looked up and I saw that pain in her eyes. It pierced my soul.
"I was..."
"Angry."
"I would never hurt you phy.."
"Physically, then what about my mental health? You are not guilty Yudhishthir. It's just like you went against your morals, not hurting any lady physically. You have drained me mentally. I am not blaming you for hurting me. My own baby acts annoy you. Everyone is different but at least be considerate. Stop being heartless. You are heartless Yudhishthir." She explained to me my problem.
I closed my eyes for a second and told her ,"Yes, but not for you and only I know this."
She was looking deep in my eyes, like she was trying to communicate with me and tell me that she would never believe me. She would never have that faith in me.
"Believe it or not. But I told you the truth. You managed to change me a little bit." I finally admitted to her.
"When will I change your heart?" She kept her forefinger on my chest. Directly above my heart. A blood pumping machine.
"Change of heart can only happen when one is having a heart and I don't have it." I shrugged my shoulders. She smiled and I didn't understand the meaning and message behind her smile.
"But I can hear it beating."
"When it will stop beating, you will be free. No one will hurt to mentally and physically." I whispered the last two words to myself. She immediately put her finger on my lips and said ,"I am only twenty I don't want to become a widow this soon."
She shook her head and jumped down but hissed. I looked down and saw blood oozing out of her left foot. She stepped on a small piece of broken glass.
I immediately bent down and inspected her foot after making her sit down on a chair. She held my shoulder tightly when I thrust out the small pointed broken glass out of her skin.
"It hurts."
"Shushhh... it's going to be fine. Don't worry." She has a golden heart. She should have stopped talking to me after all I did with her. But she chose me , nothing else.
She nodded and I tapped twice on my phone's screen. It was three in the morning and it was better to sleep than arguing with each other.
"Let's address you wound and then sleep." I picked her up in my arms and pushed the door with my foot. She tightly held my bicep for the support and I made our way towards our room.
"When will you clean the mess you created in your study?" She asked me as I cleaned her wound with antiseptic liquid.
"You don't worry. I will clean it and no one will get to know anything about all this. It's my study and no one goes there." She hummed and I properly tucked her inside the blanket.
After taking a refreshing shower I stood on the balcony. Glancing at the dark sky I sighed. The sky was covered with dark clouds but still the moon was trying to peek out and this made me smile.
Just like Ruhi. Will never give up on anything or anyone. Especially me.
She is that bright moon in my dark life, I wish to free it. Let her go and live.
"Then what about you?" My inner consciousness mocked me and I rolled my eyes. If letting her go away from me for her safety and happiness then I think that I might let her go. She deserves better, actually she deserves the best.
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