April 2023
I won't lie, when Leah liked my message on Christmas Eve, I felt gutted. I guess it was a good thing, if we were ever going to start speaking, I didn't want it to be on those terms. Still, I found myself waiting in anticipation as she repeatedly typed and deleted, then eventually stopped completely. I think I left that chat open on my screen for the next hour before I accepted that she wasn't going to respond.
The second leg of my tour began in January, travelling all over the country with just one days rest in between most of the gigs. The final show was taking place in London on 6th May, a date that would end up being significant for more reasons than just being the final show.
Before each new venue, we would spend the evening before getting familiar with the venue. It wasn't anything special, just a walk around the stadium and a tour of the backstage facilities. The team were usually more interested in it than I was, most of the time I was just patiently waiting to go back to the hotel for drinks and food, but Manchester was different. Arsenal were playing United that night, and each delay in the pre-show tour was heightening the chance that I wouldn't make it back to my hotel room for kick off.
With just two minutes to spare, I finally made it back to the hotel. I followed my usual routine of ordering room service, flicking on the tv in the room and scrolling through the channels until I found the match. Less than 15 minutes in, Leah went down. I didn't know much about football, but I knew enough to know that a non-contact injury wasn't good. The commentators were trying to play it down, likely knowing a media shitstorm was on the way if this was what it looked like.
What mesmerised me about football was the resilience that the players showed. It was common knowledge that these teams were like family, but just seconds after Leah hobbled off the pitch, the team pulled together and carried on playing like it hadn't happened. I didn't know how they managed it, how they managed to keep playing with that grey cloud looming over their heads.
The thing about Leah was, I didn't even know her that well, but that day in the dressing room had felt so natural. I found myself wondering if we met under different circumstances, could we have been friends? More? That was the problem with fame, every meeting was nothing but an audition, and that's all I did now. I auditioned women in the darkness of clubs, heading back to my hotel with them for the main performance and then parting from them the next morning with the promise of a text message that I knew I would never send. People like me, people watched by the world, didn't get to have a repeat. We had one night stands and I had to learn to be alright with that, even if it was lonely.
The days that came after I watched Leah wince in pain as she exited the pitch, I couldn't help but feel a twinge in my chest that wouldn't fade. It was never far from my mind, constantly wondering what the outcome would be and whether or not she was going to miss the World Cup that I knew was any footballers dream.
By the time we arrived for our show in Liverpool, the news had been announced that she had suffered an ACL injury. I didn't actually know what that was, just that Beth and Viv were currently out with the same injury. Maybe it was ignorance, but I didn't feel the need to google it when it was them, but knowing that Leah now had one, I found myself reading through web page after web page. It was obvious that she wasn't just going to miss the World Cup, but she was going to be out for a long time. I thought back to that day in the dressing room, the way she was shrivelled up like she wanted to hide from the world back then, and I knew she would feel so much worse now.
But what was the etiquette? What do you say to an injured footballer? Get well soon?
I settled for a simple heart. I thought it would show that I was thinking of her, without putting pressure on her to reply with some long, painful message about what it meant for her. The truth is, I knew that in moments like this, when you felt like the world was just taking from you constantly, the last thing you needed was questions. Sometimes you just needed to know someone cared.
The single broken heart she replied with told me I was right.
May 2023
This was it, the final day of the tour was just around the corner. The last few weeks were much of the same: shows, parties, sex, and sleep.
As with most big shows, we gave a press conference the day before. It wasn't a big deal, really, just a few journalists that would ask fan pleasing questions for the dedicated people who watched my every move. Questions were pre-approved by the team, a way of making sure journalists couldn't blindside me with the latest tabloid stories and further their agenda to have me cancelled.
To the outside world, I was the picture of confidence when I entered these rooms. I gave off the impression that I wasn't unfazed by the way the journalists surged to the barrier to get the best shot of me. The truth was, I hated it. Every click of a camera filled my ears like tinnitus, that very sound replaying in the nightmares I had. I guess that's why I lived my life in defensive mode, I was always ready for someone to attack me, always ready to defend my own honour, even when it wasn't at stake.
They rose to their feet in perfect succession, each one sticking to the script of questions, and furiously typing my responses into their phones without even making eye contact with me. I was the puppet on display to the world. Most of the time, these conferences were like clockwork for me. I usually zoned out halfway through, turning into a robot that could answer questions without really thinking about it. But then, a question made my ears prick up.
"Aria, I'm not sure if you're an avid listener of Capital FM, but Leah Williamson appeared on there yesterday. Did you catch that interview?"
I froze, not sure whether this was leading to a question about us sharing the dressing room or something more sinister... had she said something that they were about to twist?
"I didn't catch it."
Beneath the desk, I was picking at my fingernails. My face felt like it was on fire and I could only hope it wasn't visible to the hundreds of cameras pointed directly at me.
"She had tickets to watch your gig tomorrow, but obviously with the ACL, she's not able to come. She joked that it was the most devastating miss of them all. You spoke quite deeply about her own battle with fame, how do you feel about that given that she has suffered this devastating injury?"
Heather was frantically looking from right to left, making it obviously this journalist hadn't stuck to the pre-approved questions. She opened her mouth to dismiss the journalist, but if there was anything I could talk honestly about, it was how I felt about Leah's injury. I batted her off, smiling to reassure her that I had this.
"Firstly, I'm very sorry for Leah's loss, missing out on seeing me live is obviously devastating for her."
The room laughed along with my joke, most of them thinking I was finished with the question.
"But seriously, I send her my best wishes. I think everyone, football fan or not, can understand that when you are as passionate about something as she is about football, having the ability to do that snatched away from you is cruel. I hope, now more than ever, that this weird world we find ourselves part of will wrap their arms around her and show her the love and support she needs right now."
The interview finished after a final question that bored me, to be honest. But the question about Leah had set something alight in my heart. I couldn't put my finger on what it was about Leah. I barely knew her, just a few hours in a dressing room to go off, but I wanted to. Not necessarily in a romantic way, I didn't tend to think about anyone like that, she just intrigued me.
We headed to a local restaurant after the conference, scoffing as much food as we could manage before being driven to a local bar for what my management described as an opportunity for me to let off some steam. So, it wasn't surprising that I found myself wrapped in the cotton sheets of my hotel room a few hours later, a brunette whose name evaded me searching around the room for her underwear that had been thrown god knows where.
"Sorry you can't stay. My management has a thing against it."
It was my most used excuse, alongside my mum's coming in the morning. It always worked, mostly followed by a sympathetic smile from the one night stand who couldn't believe how much they managed my life.
I hadn't always been this way. Before fame hit me, I craved a relationship. Everyone I met was either put off by my desperation to have my music heard, or found something else they didn't like about me, or someone else they liked more. I wasn't sure when I changed, but I was sure that I would never change back. I'd witnessed what love had done to my friends in the industry, the public breakups and tabloids scandals, I would never become one of those people.
As the brunette slipped out of the hotel room, I fumbled around for my phone. Most of my notifications were good luck messages or last minute requests for free tickets, but one made me sit upright and widen my eyes. Leah.
leahwilliamsonn:
Thank you for what you said today at your press conference. Sorry my last message to you was so abrupt, I was still coming to terms with everything that happened. Good luck for your show, I know you'll smash it🤩🤍
She had sent the message just 30 minutes before, and although I thought it might be a bit rude to reply at this time, I did it anyway.
ariajamess:
You seem to be a hot topic of conversation in all my interviews recently🤨 thanks but I'm sure I'll probably do something to piss someone off...
Just like before, Leah typed and deleted for ages, but this time a reply finally arrived. That was the night we fell over the hurdle of being associates and into something that started to look a little like a friendship.
leahwilliamsonn:
I know, I'm sorry🤦🏼♀️ You could probably donate your entire bank account to charity and they'd still find a reason to hate on you. Easy for me to say, but try not to care about them
ariajamess:
I don't give them a second thought anymore! Speaking of the press, have you managed to get yourself some decent security yet?
leahwilliamsonn:
Not personal security, but they have brought in more security around the club. I feel safer there now at least. I never did thank you for that. I didn't really know how to
ariajamess:
Hey, you won the trophy! I just reminded people😉
leahwilliamsonn:
So, what do worldwide superstars do the night before their final show of a tour?
Shit. I can't exactly say sleep with a random woman, can I? I mean, I could, but for some reason I didn't want to tell her that. I must've stared at my phone for five minutes before she started typing again, her second message taking much less time to create than her others.
leahwilliamsonn:
Sorry, sleep is probably what you do and I'm keeping you awake. Good luck for tomorrow! X
ariajamess:
Actually, I was trying to think of something interesting to tell you. Like some out-there ritual that I have... but it's pretty boring. Tomorrow is when the "fun" starts... I'm not tired, unless you are?
leahwilliamsonn:
Aria James, boring? I don't believe it😂 No, not tired. My routine is a mess since this injury
ariajamess:
I didn't want to ask but... how is that going?
leahwilliamsonn:
Better now. I have my surgery next week and then a few weeks later the rehab starts. In a weird way, I kind of think I needed the break
ariajamess:
A chance to escape the crowds for a while?
leahwilliamson:
That's exactly it.
ariajamess:
Have you made a list of things you want to do?
leahwilliamsonn:
What do you mean?
ariajamess:
Things you can work towards that aren't rehab related... swim with dolphins, get a tattoo... like a bucket list
Not that you're dying
Well, you would think you are the way your fans are getting on😉
leahwilliansonn:
You've seen the edits?🙄
I like the idea of a list!
ariajamess:
Seen them? At this point it's pretty hard to see anything BUT them.
leahwilliamsonn:
They mean well, I don't think they realise that I see them too... constantly reliving it
ariajamess:
They think they're helping in their own way, I guess. So what's on this list?
leahwilliamsonn:
So far I've got...
Trip to Bali
Make my grandma get a tattoo with me
Visit my brother in Australia
ariajamess:
Frankly, I'm offended
leahwilliamsonn:
At what?😳
ariajamess:
"Meet Aria James" isn't your first goal?
leahwilliamsonn:
Isn't it meant to be things I've never done before?🤔
ariajamess:
"Meet Aria James... again"
For a second, I worried I'd overstepped the mark. My message was left on seen for what felt like hours, but in reality, it was only a few seconds. In what seemed to be her form, she typed and deleted a few times before eventually sending her reply.
leahwilliamsonn:
Would you want to?
See me again, I mean
ariajamess:
Would you?
leahwilliamsonn:
I asked you first
Okay, so I said it was a friendship, but this didn't feel very friendshippy right now. I knew I had to be careful, Leah seemed so innocent, and I wasn't up for dragging her into something that would turn out to be less than what she wanted. Of course, she knew what I did. It was all over the papers, my life on show to the world. Maybe that was all she wanted too.
ariajamess:
Yeah, why not. Maybe we can do something once you've had your surgery?
leahwilliamsonn:
I'd like that
ariajamess:
Cool! Well, I should get some sleep and you should try too. Let me know how your surgery goes? I'll be thinking of you
leahwilliamsonn:
Thanks, good luck 🤍
ariajamess:
🤍
***
June 2023
In the midst of the chaos that people called my life, it was over a month later by the time I was free to meet Leah. Well, I say meet, it was more of a her making a trip to my house. We knew meeting in public was way too risky.
When the doorbell rang and I opened the door, it wasn't hard to notice that she had doused herself in perfume before she left her house, and something about that made my heart melt a little.
"Come in." I smiled.
"Hi."