December 14th, 1961
Wilbur Beloved —
Maddie appeared for once on my doorstep, frowning slightly as I was wearing just house clothes. "Oh, is it already time?" I asked, smiling at Drew as he slightly hugged the side of his mother. "Yes. Of course. I think it's obvious. Just return him back next week–okay?" She commanded as I nodded and took the bag that was slung around her shoulder. Primarily holding stuff that was for Drew, and helping him inside. He was timid at first, maybe due to the fact the last time this kid had seen me was in the office signing divorce papers. "What do you wanna eat bud? I was just making breakfast you know." I said, trying to gain a conversation with him. "Pancakes...not burned..." He replied, putting his fingers in his mouth as I smiled. "Well, it's your lucky day cause your father knows how to make the perfect mix," I said as he smiled softly too, slowly cracking away any imperfections the kid's heard about me.
We were mixing the pancake batter together as I actually felt myself relax, after so long. Drew giggled for a bit before trying to take a snack out of the raw pancake batter. "Ah! No–that's not edible!" I said, bumping his nose away as he whined. "I am hungry!" He cried as I shook my hand. "You'll eat in a few, ok?" I repeated as Drew frowned and went off of the stepping stool to wait at the dining table. It felt somewhat relaxing, the looming fear of everything crashing down wasn't as prominent. Or well, when I poured the pancake batter my mind slipped. And it typically is the worst thing I could do. "Edith–just wait for a bit ok?" I called out, before freezing as Drew made an audible sound. "Who? Daddy that's not my name!" He giggled a bit as I turned and smiled weakly. "Ah–simple mistakes!---" I muttered, trying to hide the sudden paranoia I ached. I keep being haunted by her that I can still see her... I dragged the pan over to the table as I flipped the small meal onto Drew's dish. The sight of the pancake slipping off the spatula and seeing Drew's smiling face brought me back only a couple of years. Seeing Edith's same toothy grin implant onto his mouth. The way his hair bounces with every giggle. The only difference was that he had the same little animal parts as I did. I was his role model to follow. He ate slowly, nit-picking every detail as I dished out bacon. Followed by some butter spread toast. The most amount of food this house's seen since. He was enjoying his breakfast as I sat across, picking at my face grabbed my pack of cigarettes, and took one in my mouth. A horrible coping mechanism I've grabbed by Red. "Is that breaky?" Drew asked, his mouth full as I placed it on my lips. "Uh–sure. You can say that Ed–Drew." I corrected myself as Drew only glanced for a while. A small judgemental stare–something definitely picked up by his mom. He shrugged as it made me feel awkward, placing the cigarette back. I shoved the box to the side while Drew kept on eating. The more my eyes bore into the kid, the more I felt responsible. Maybe he wouldn't have to learn about the difference between his parents if his father only moved on.
Maybe if Maddie didn't lose Edith he would've had an older sister.
I found my fingers picking at my skin as Drew finished and insisted on cleaning himself up. I woke up from my stance as I took the plate from his tiny hands. "No! I wanna clean!" He cried as I rolled my eyes, forcing a smile. "Alright–want me to lift you?" I asked as Drew nodded. Standing on his stepping stool. I lifted him slightly up, so he could move his arms around and wash the plate he just ate off of. She did good...and what am I even doing? The day went on normally, I finally felt the urge to move out of the house, not in a frenzy of depression, but in a frenzy of trying to hide the horrible truth from me. I took him out to the beach, for a walk, and played even volleyball–despite the lack of exercise that leaked out of me. Drew found it fun, and that's all I could do. To cloud the horrible thoughts of everything. The guilt and pain–nothing to be shown to an innocent soul.
I drove the two of us to the Diner as Drew was mostly excited. Seeing where his dad worked? What kid wouldn't? He basically flew out of the car as I walked up spotting Red watching in awe from the window. I opened the door for Drew as the kid went crazy. Smiling from corner to corner–Red only frowned and crossed his arms. "Someone finally came in, huh?" Red said upset as I smiled softly, feeling Drew hug my leg. "Can I not?" I asked as Red rolled his eyes. "You're only in here to impress Drew, isn't it?" He responded rather salty as I shrugged watching Red only grow upset. "Drew–can I talk to your dad? You can wait in his office." Red said, talking through a smile as Drew nodded. Trailing after Red's directions and turning right to be led into my office. Red appeared back momentarily before grabbing me around the shoulders and leading me out back. He looked upset, mostly swinging the door open with the force of his foot. He swung me around the back and stared at me, mostly standing a reasonable distance. "Ok, seriously. You think you can just waltz right back in, not like me and Glam held up your ends?" He spoke in an upset tone as I frowned. "I understand my disappearance but–"
"But, But...No. No buts. You're bullshitting being a good person in front of Drew so he doesn't know how horrible and fucked up his father figure is. Let me guess, you actually left the house today and that's why you appear here. Looking all happy and comfortable, when I know damn well the real Wilbur Beloved is aching for something horrible to inflict onto himself." Red spat out as I felt myself somewhat shrink. Maybe Red was taller sure, but the idea of him breaking me down in my moment of pure serotonin with my son made me rather upset. "I get you're mad, I understand it. But seriously? Is this the best you can do? We both got fucked, and I decided to take longer with it ok?" I said, pushing Red slightly as Red chuckled. "Oh? Really? After everything I've done?" He cried as I smiled, and walked back inside. Not giving him a sort of satisfaction. But it only made me think, grabbing Drew from my office to drag us back home. I was stuck and found myself biting my lip til it bled. Red knows me better than ever. But I can't let that side show. Not with Drew.
The car ride back was silent, Drew was trying to cheer me up. I could feel the kid trying. But the more he spoke, the more I could hear Edith. It was driving me crazy. "Daddy, are you okay?" He cried out one last time as I slammed the car outside of the garage. Holding the wheel til my knuckles faded white. "Just go inside..." I mumbled as Drew agreed, climbing out and walking inside. I breathed heavily as I placed my head against the wheel. Red's right. I'm being worse just trying to pretend like I didn't do anything prior to this swap... I felt my chest compress, feeling my skin prick up. Like someone was wanting to peel it off for me, the itchy composure. I lifted my head up to spot the 'angel' again. It stared at me, before pointing to the door of the house. Edith was standing only a bit taller than Drew. There was no face on her–but Drew's concerned expression made it worse. It's almost like his face just shared with the slowly growing beast that was Edith. The husk of a monster drooling and clouding over Drew. My eyes widened as I shook my head. I got out of the car quickly approaching Drew and tried to hurry him inside. My heart beating as Drew watched my hands fumble. "Daddy–"
"Drew–Drew I am—Drew I'm such a bad person..." I cried holding him close as Drew didn't budge. "Drew–Daddy's not...Daddy's not like Mommy..." I cried, biting back tears as I kept on trying to open the house door. I held Drew closer now, quickly glancing backward to try to spot the two horrific pieces of nature looming. I could feel it–it was almost triggering some inside force as I managed to hear the locks click. I pushed Drew inside with me as I slammed the door. Letting the kid go, I stared at the door–panting. "Daddy, what do you mean..." He mumbled, looking scared at my frantic and quickly lucid movement. "Drew–I'm so sorry for you...Edith–she's..." I mumbled, collapsing towards Drew as the poor kid's eyes only softened. The same way his mother's did. I didn't love the same level of empathy shared with me. "Edoth?" He cried, confused as he wanted to get closure. "No! Edith! Edith! Edith! You're older sister! I can't handle trying to be the only one masking this...this pain!" I cried—almost yelling at him. Tears flowing easily down my face as I tugged at my hair. Drew only shook his head, confused, he was only three. How the hell could he respond to his father's breakdown? Edith was only 2! She wouldn't know either!
Oh god.
Oh god.
I'm a horrible father.
A horrible person.
Why am I crying for my poor son for help?!
He doesn't understand why I'm so conflicted and upset!
Drew flinched slightly as he stood there, his hands cupping on his own. "God—I'm...I'm everything they say I am, huh Drew?" I asked, slightly laughing while the tears flew down onto the floor. I found myself slowly collapsing to Drew's level as the kid only shook his head, moving with scarcity at every action I pulled. "Drew...am I really the same man you thought I was? The same father that's crying like a woman?" I asked. Hoping to hear something negative, but only met with sorrowful eyes. Pity glistening over my sobering state. "Daddy–Mommy speaks nice...she...she sometime speak mean to Auntie Nova...but..." He spoke out finally, finally having the courage to approach and wrap his small hands around my large body. "You still Daddy, and...I miss Daddy when with Mommy..." He mumbled as we stayed still for a while. My labored and frantic breathing paused as I smiled, breaking apart from the frown. I lifted myself up slightly as I hugged Drew, holding him close as the 'Angel' loomed. I could feel it. I held Drew close as I rubbed his back to still keep a lookout for that Edith monster. But she was nowhere to be seen, the house was only still and heavy. Maybe due to the fact this could just be my guilt, and poor Drew's was melting with mine.
There was nothing horrible watching us–I was just overthinking everything... God I could go for a cigarette and booze... But not when Drew's here, no. I can't.
"You're smart." spoke it again. I felt my eyes softly widen as I saw it again. Leaning against the doorframe, smiling. "Using a child's innocence to drain off your imperfectness. So beautiful to watch Wilbur." And just like that, gone. Again. I picked up Drew as I apologized countlessly. Telling him that he'll be better, maybe even cleaner. (Though that's definitely a lie. You can't stop what you've started.) Drew only smiled, excusing everything to be the same way Maddie had been dealing with the divorce–which only made me smile and grin. Knowing damn well she couldn't have moved on that fast either. "Daddy, can you kiss me goodnight?" Drew asked as I smiled, having taken care of him again after my small meltdown. "Sure kiddo," I said, softly pecking his forehead as he seemingly drifted off to sleep easily. I tucked him in slightly as I sat there for a while. Watching him breathe softly, making my brain warp in ways I couldn't imagine. Calm. A state of calm I could wish to achieve... I got up and exited the small guest bedroom, closing the door behind me. Hearing the soft click, the light couldn't enter Drew's room. Leaving me in the light, in the pitiful light. The warmth in some ways, but I didn't feel warm. Rather–just grabbing my cigarettes and smoking at least 3 in a span of 10 minutes. With a bottle of beer next to me.
January 3rd, 1962
Maddie Beloved —
Moving out was rather hard, yes I have independence but now the idea of trying to gain a job while being a single divorced mom in this economy might be just a death wish. A 'set up for failure' as several interviewers called it. Despite my years of experience in the work life, I only managed to place myself back to the start–working at a restaurant as a waitress. It felt rather sour-coated like Wilbur understood what would happen later on and wanted to keep me at that level. But I wouldn't let some stupid waitress job identify my place. I'm only collecting enough money to afford a decent rent–since biding off of Wilbur's welfare seemed rather idiotic. He could only cut me off by marrying another woman and or man–that in itself is a 'set up for failure.' I assume this term is used for people with only thick accents. I haven't even said a single word of Spanish in a few years yet people still claim I must be new to America with my accent. It riled me up, claiming I wouldn't get far because of my "beautiful Hispanic color." Like hell! I will just cause you said that! In other words, it gets lonely. Drew can't be left alone throughout the workweek, so I drop him off at Wilbur. I'd do Nova and Glam but the last I've learnt–they've been out of Florida for a while. A visit to Glam's relatives from what Nova tells–through postcards. I wish to go visit my own family again... No matter how many times I feel absolutely battered at the thought of arriving at Wilbur's door–begging for him to take care of his son for me, made me want to hurl. I don't know whatever he does with the kid, but if it entertains Drew that's all I care. It makes me feel somewhat judgemental assuming our marriage would've worked if I only saw him out later. But he wasn't moving on. I had no other choice, maybe this is another persona of his where he'll pretend to care but in reality, he's starving my poor son. That's dumb. Why would I think that?
Taking the bus to the most local Hispanic food market, Drew was at (unironically) Wilbur's. It gave me an easier passage around time and management. I had also gotten off my job, so I needed a small moment of peace. Wilbur wouldn't mind, he has nothing to do. I took the long pillage as I arrived. It was small but screamed home. I entered and heard the small chim of the door and the annual greeting. This was the only place I've felt actually accepted, homey in a way. It was bittersweet sure, but it was enough. I picked up a few old packages of sweets, knowing Drew would devour them. I smiled softly as I pluck off some more, before ushering myself to the fruits. They were for sale, it was a steal at this rate. As I picked up a few apples, a person approached. "Hello! I was wondering how well those...apples were." They said, sounding rather frantic at the conversation. Like they haven't spoken to someone in forever, or attempted in a public space. I smiled and handed my bag. "I typically pick these since they're always the sweetest," I replied as the person smiled. They had somewhat similar glasses to Wilbur, but more of a softer edge to them. The way their hair was layered in the short messy way made it seem like they had just done it too. They even had some sort of wolf ears that acted similar to a cat. They wore some sort of monochromatic outfit, it really bounced out some color to their glasses. It was funny–seeing someone dressing as if they came just off the TV. "Really? I never knew–I guess you can say I didn't know the apple." They joked. It was corny, but I chuckled softly. "Oh, you know–I sometimes pick those berries," I said, pointing off to the cherries and raspberries as the person gasped. "Really? I mean, I should've assumed. You look like a lady who can enjoy something sweet." They said, grinning as I giggled. "Ahh–you got me," I said before my eyes landed on something. It was a tiny Venezulea flag attached to their shirt, making me gasp. "Are you also from Venezuela?!" I cried, grabbing their hands in a frantic manner. Not realizing how loud I produced my voice as the person froze. "I–I...uh—oh...yeah..." They stumbled for words a bit as I squealed. "Ayyyy! ¡Finalmente! ¡Estoy tan hartade lidiar con el español mexicano!" I spoke out, catching them off guard now as they laughed a bit. "¿En realidad? ¡La gente asume que sé portugués!" They responded as we cackled along and around the store.
They showed me some good new spices to put into meals, and I showed them the most perfect fruits to pick. "My ex-husband taught me this trick." I said, handing the person a bag full of perfect fruits. They paused a bit as they laughed. "Your ex-husband?" They asked as I realized how easily I let that slip. "Ah–I meant...well he taught me it before moving the both of us down to Florida." I said, walking the both of us to the cashier. They nodded before smiling. "I mean, hell–he must've done something to upset a Latina." They claimed as I rolled my eyes. "He just wouldn't move on, that's really all." I said, widening a grin and placing my basket full of fruits and 2 weeks of groceries. The cashier checked them all as I dug into my pockets for my change. However, when I pulled out my 13$--I felt my pockets grow slightly lighter but I didn't notice. I was more focused on the whole hoard of groceries in large paper bags waiting for me. "Ayee, it was fun talking! But I gotta make it home now. Nice meeting!" I called out, getting slight help as the person smiled and waved. "Don't break your neck with that!" They joked. On the way out, I could hear someone calling "Miss!" but I was more worried about what the hell Wilbur was doing to Drew.
Sitting down everything on the counter, I sighed heavily before rubbing the back of my palm across my forehead. I grabbed the landline and dialed Wilbur's number. He picked up after 2 rings, sounding rather confused. "Hello?" He asked, the sound of a TV ringing through the line. "Wilbur, how's Drew?" I asked, twirling the chord around my finger as I glanced at the large amount of food left to be placed. He paused a bit as he chuckled. "You grabbed my number on a different line to ask only about Drew? What about this caretaker?" He joked over the phone as I frowned. My silence must've spoken more than what Wilbur would've liked. He sighed as it sounded like he moved a bit. Shifting in a better spot of where he was. "Watching TV, eating his dinner." He finally spoke out as I smiled again. "Good. I thought you were probably out with Red doing whatever so that's why I called." I said as Wilbur scoffed. "And? Do you think I'd abandon a kid in a house? The poor kid's barely hitting 4 and you're already assuming I can't be there past it." He said upset as I chuckled. "That's not what I'm saying!" I responded only hearing myself cut off. "This is always how you see it." I said as Wilbur laughed quickly. "Okay! Bye! See you on Saturday. Since this is the only way you like taunting me." He said upset, hanging up the phone as I scoffed. Wow! He hung up on me! In my small fit of being upset, I packed the groceries away–cleaning the house in the meantime, and found myself making dinner also. When I sat down and turned on the tiny TV Nova had gifted me, I could only realize why my pocket felt lighter. The small old family photo that held onto any remains of Edith, was gone. My heart dropped as I looked around. There's no way! I couldn't have dropped it in the store–oh my god. What if that's why I was getting called back? God! Maddie, you gotta wake up! I frantically got up and stormed instantly out of my house. And by house–more like a small trailer house inside a bigger trailer park. As I strutted towards the road, entering an extremely dire mission to try to get back the only small remains of my late daughter.
When I made it into the store, I saw the same person talking to the workers. I was out of breath, pushing myself a tiny bit further before scaring the friend I'd made. "Woah! Are–Are you okay, Chica de las frutas?" They called out, watching me collapse over the counter. "I—I dropped something!" I said. My breath ran thin as they smiled and laughed. "I was hoping you'd notice. I saw it drop and tried to tell you a couple of hours earlier..." They mumbled, smiling. "You really don't stop when you're on something huh?" They continued a little more confident now. It made me softly grow embarrassed as I pouted. "You can't blame me," I said as they paused and freaked out. "I'm not!--I'm just saying if you need help next time just ask...okay?" They responded, before clearing their throat. "Elias. Elias Youngblood." They responded, smiling as they handed me my small golden locket. "Ha...thank you Elias...Eres muy amable por guardarme esto." I responded before clearing my throat. "Maddie. I guess the loving cashier already told you that though." I said, adjusting my hair behind my ears as Elias nodded. "Do you want a ride back? My shift just ended and I can assume you ran over." He questioned as I nodded, almost pleading with my physical actions. He laughed as we both exited the store. Talking like that horrifyingly embarrassing experience didn't happen.
We rolled up to my house, allowing me to exit the car. Thanking Elias once again about everything as he seemed rather bummed out about how fast our ability to depart was. "We need to hang out more, Maddie." He requested, smiling softly as I scoffed. "If my work would allow it! I can barely have free time for my son." I said as Elias's face widened. In shock almost as he laughed. "Son! Did he change completely from that photo?" He asked as I realized and swatted at him. "No! That's just...well an old photo. He's only 3 so he's clearly older than this...little girl in the locket." I said, looking at Elias as he paused a bit. He began digging through his glovebox as he pulled out a sheet of magazines. He ripped a paper off as he dug into his coat for a pen–writing something and handing it to me. "My number isn't in the yellow book yet–so if you ever want to meet up...just dial me! I have to head back so...Buenas noches chica de las frutas." He spoke, allowing me to take the paper and drive off. I smiled as I chuckled. "Such an attempt." I said, shaking my head as the sad glooming reality hit as my dinner sat cold on the table. The TV screamed as I closed the door behind me.