⚠️TW: implication/mention of human trafficking; implication/mention of SA ⚠️
NOVEMBER 10, 2019 — AVENGERS COMPOUND — BUCKY
After the impromptu meeting with Tony in the garage, Réa and I head to her suite; she lets out a heavy sigh when we step inside.
"You okay?" I ask.
She nods.
"Yeah. I'm okay." She inhales deeply. "I know these past few days haven't been eas—"
"Ré—"
"Just...just let me say this. Please," she says; I nod, and she continues. "I know these past few day haven't been easy. And I'm trying really hard to not listen to the negative thoughts...to not let them steal the little bit of peace I've managed to get back since I found out about this." She pauses. "Some moments, that's easy to do; others, it's really difficult. I know I'm acting unsure, and awkward, and insecure..."
"The other day at the barn, I told Macayla and Catelyn about having the nightmare. And how you—like always—knew exactly what to do, and what to say, and what I needed. I told them that I'm sure part of that comes from what you dealt with during your time in HYDRA's clutches...and that I think part of it is just you." She pauses again. "Now I don't think that...I know it. It's just part of who you are. Among many other things, you're caring, loyal, supportive, and kind...and I just want to thank you for sharing those parts—every part— of you with me. Thank you for being you...and for choosing me, over, and over, and over."
Her voice catches on the last word.
Her words cause my eyes to mist as everything I feel for the amazing, incredible, wonderful woman in front of me swells inside me. She steps closer to me, then again inhales deeply.
"Thank you for loving me as much as I love you," she says.
Overwhelmed with emotion, I close the miniscule distance between us, crushing my mouth to hers in a passionate kiss as I cup her face.
She gasps, and I take the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Her hands thread into my hair, and mine move from her face to glide over her body. I wrap my arms around her and pull her body flush against mine, my hardness pressing into her belly.
I lift her, and she wraps her legs around my waist; I carry her into the bedroom and lay her on the bed, following her down to the mattress. My lips leave her to trail kisses down her neck; she tilts her head to give me better access, and when I reach the curve where her neck and shoulder meet, I nip gently, pulling a quiet sigh from her.
Her hands slide under the hem of my shirt, gliding over my skin as she lifts the material, and fire blazes through me at the contact.
"God, Réa," I groan against her neck.
I pull back just enough to pull the shirt over my head, then toss it aside and return my lips to hers. My hands move beneath the material of her shirt, and it quickly joins mine on the floor. I places kisses down the column of her neck to her breasts, closing my mouth over her through the material of her bra.
She arches into me, then suddenly goes still. I lift my head; her ice blue eyes are hazy with desire but I also see something else in their depths.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"I-I'm s-s-sorry. I c-can't, I..." she trails off, voice wavering.
I roll off of her, before climbing off the bed. I grab my shirt and return to the bed.
"Here, doll," I say, handing my shirt to her as I settle beside her, leaning on my vibranium arm.
She pulls my shirt on, and as always, I can't help thinking about how good she looks in my clothes. She settles into my arms, and we lie together quietly; eventually, she speaks.
"This is what I was talking about...how you always know what to do. Thank you."
"You're welcome, Réa."
I brush her hair back from her face and stroke her cheek, my eyes on hers.
"Do you want to stay here, or do you want to go in the living room, or—?" I ask.
"Can we watch The Great British Bakeoff? And snuggle?"
'God, she's so cute,' I think.
I grin. "Of course."
I stands and grab a clean shirt from my drawer in her dresser, pulling it on then scooping her up into my arms. I carry her into the living room and settle us into our usual snuggling position on the couch before grabbing the remote and turning on the TV.
After a while, she sits up, facing me, and speaks.
"I wanted to," she says softly. "But my brain decided that was the time to remind me that, every time we've...been intimate...there have been cameras. And it hasn't been just us." She pauses. "I'm s—"
"You can always stop things...always. And you never have to explain, or apologise."
She nods.
"The same applies to you," she says softly.
I don't know if it's the words or her quiet tone, but my eyes widen and I go very still.
'She knows. Oh god, she knows,' I think. 'But maybe she doesn't.'
I'm silent for a long moment; eventually, I speak.
"I..." I sigh heavily. "How long have you known?"
'Please say you don't know what I'm talking about, please say you don't kn—'
"Since I read all of the files and information Nat leaked." She pauses. "I never said anything. To anyone. It's your story; it's not mine to share." Another pause. "It was just one file...one deeply-buried, heavily-encrypted file. I thought about deleting it, but realised that should be your call."
Too many feelings swamp me, rendering me speechless; Réa continues.
"I didn't read it. Well, I read the first few sentences, but as soon as I saw the words..." she swallows audibly, "...I stopped as soon as I saw the words 'sold to the highest bidder'."
Her voice breaks as she utters those words.
"I...I should have told you that I knew...I didn't know how, though. And I also thought that you should be able to tell me yourself. I didn't...I didn't want to take that choice away from you. Not..." she trails off.
I continue to sit silently, unable to make myself speak.
"I didn't mean to bring this up. I know that this is a subject that's difficult to talk about...to even think about. My earlier statement was really just...I just wanted you to know that you'll always be safe with me...that everything you offer me, I offer back to you."
She clears her throat.
"I'm sorry," she says, her voice breaking again.
Though her eyes are filled with tears, she keeps her gaze on me.
"And I realise I sort of brought it up the other day...when I said that this whole 'Sharon and the cameras' situation must be bringing up stuff for you. Again, I didn't mean to. I swear that I wasn't trying to hint that I knew or get you to tell me...I just said that out of concern for you." She inhales deeply. "Okay. I'm going to be quiet now."
A heavy silence settles between us.
"I...I don't know what to say," I finally speak.
I stand and begin to pace.
"I don't remember a lot of those times...thank god for that...because I was under the Winter Soldier programming for them." I draw in a deep breath. "The ones I do remember...I've been telling myself they weren't me; they were the Winter Soldier. And my mind was...but my body wasn't."
My voice catches, and I fight to keep my composure.
"I've been working with Doctor Raynor on this subject...I didn't actually start to remember those instances until a few months after I'd started seeing her. I don't know how...I don't know how often this occurred, but like I said, I've only remembered a few times."
I once again inhale deeply, then shake my head.
'I can't...she knows, and I can't...I need to go.'
"I...I can't do this." I turn to Réa. "I'm sorry."
I stride from her suite; as soon as the door closes behind me, I'm practically sprinting through the hall to the stairs; I head straight to the gym, needing to pummel something.
I change into my workout clothes, and shut my locker door with a bit too much force; there's now a handprint in the metal.
I head straight to the hanging bag, not even bothering to wrap my hand and wrist before I start throwing punches.
As I work the bag, images flash through my mind—images I'd rather forget...memories I wish had stayed buried.
"Bucky," Steve's face appears on the other side of the bag. "You've been at this for hours. Clearly something is wrong."
"I don't want to talk about it," I say, my tone icy.
"Buck, you need to."
"GOD DAMNIT, STEVE!" I roar. "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"
I know Steve's concerned...I know it. I know he's just trying to be a good friend. But I cannot handle one more person telling me what I can and can't do, what I need and don't need, what I want and don't want...I can't handle not having a choice.
'Réa gave you a choice, and you walked out on her,' something inside me snidely remarks.
'Just to work off the feelings and gather my thoughts. I didn't leave her,' the rest of me thinks.
'Does she know that?'
'Of course she does...and I'm arguing with myself. Again. Stop it, Bucky.'
Steve raises his hands in placation, and I let out a heavy sigh.
"I—" I begin, but Steve cuts me off.
"I'm sorry, Buck. You'll talk if and when you're ready. I shouldn't push. That's not being a good friend." He clears his throat. "I'm sorry."
I nod.
"I'll see you at dinner?" he asks.
"Yeah. I'll be there...punk."
"See you then. Jerk."
After Steve leaves the gym, I finish my workout then head to the showers, opting to use the ones in the locker room instead of returning to my suite. It's almost dinnertime, so I head upstairs to the kitchen, finding Wanda and Scott at the stove. After they decline my offer to help, I head to the lounge, taking a seat on one of the couches.
Steve and Sam enter the room several minutes later, and join me. The three of us fall into easy conversation; Sam begins telling Steve and I about the FaceTime call he had with his nephews.
"And then Cass said 'no, dummy, the internal temperature of a tauntaun is lukewarm'!"
He laughs, but stops when he realises Steve and I are just staring at him blankly.
"Oh, come on. Because Luke cuts open the tauntaun and climbs inside...to stay warm.... You guys have seen The Empire Strikes Back, right?!"
"Yeah, Sam...it just wasn't that funny," Steve replies.
The two of them banter back and forth, and I do my best to pay attention, but can't help getting lost in my thoughts. I'm pulled out of my head when I see a flash of copper in my peripheral vision, and know Réa is here. Steve waves and Sam smiles at her; like I always have, I feel that magnetic pull toward her, and I have to fight to keep from looking in her direction, knowing that once I see her beautiful face filled with love and understanding, I'll break down...something I do not want to do, because I don't want to explain the 'why' to the others.
Sam nudges me and Steve gives me a questioning look, but I just give a small shake of my head in response.
"Do you need any help?" I hear Réa ask Wanda and Scott.
"No, thank you, Réa. We've got it covered. Clint and Bruce already set the table, and we're actually almost finished, so you can just go take your seat if you want," Wanda replies.
I see Réa do just that; a few minutes later, Scott and Wanda begin bringing filled platters to the table. The rest of us make our way over; the others settle into their usual spots and begin talking amongst themselves. Steve, Sam, and I make our way to the table...and I take Sam's usual seat beside Steve.
Everyone else falls silent, their gazes moving between me and Réa.
"What are you doing?" Sam asks through gritted teeth.
I shrug; when I don't provide any other response, Sam scoffs, then makes his way around the table and takes my usual place beside Réa.
"Dig in, everyone," Wanda says, breaking the silence; the others fall back into conversation as they pass platters and fill their plates.
"You alright, Cupcake?" Sam leans over and whispers to Réa, and I have to keep my jaw—and my fists—from clenching.
'He's just being nice...being a good friend,' I tell myself.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Réa shrug, her gaze on her plate as she picks at her food, pushing it around her plate.
"If you want to talk, you know I'm here," Sam continues.
Réa nods. "Thank you," she softly replies.
I keep my gaze averted, looking everywhere but at Réa, but I feel her eyes on me.
Tony is the first to finish eating; he takes his plate to the sink before returning to the table.
"Here, honey, let me take Morguna upstairs. You stay and visit for a while," he says to Pepper.
Once he has Morgan in his arms, he gives Réa a look then strides to the lift; she heads to the kitchen and scrapes her plate then follows him.
I finish my food in silence, then scrape my plate and head upstairs to Réa's room, ready to have this conversation.
I knock on her door; there's no answer, so I knock again.
"Sergeant Barnes," F.R.I.D.A.Y. says. "Réa is not here."
"Oh." I hesitate. "Where is she?"
"Mister Stark said if you asked, to direct you to him," the A.I. responds.
"Okay. Thank you, F.R.I.D.A.Y.."
"You're welcome."
'I just want to talk with Réa and then get some sleep...preferably with her in my arms,' I think. 'And now I have to go deal with Tony.'
With a heavy sigh, I head up to his suite.