CHAPTER 18
Snape's POV
Empty, empty, empty, empty, empty.
That word echoed over and over in my head so many times that day as I sat behind my desk, glaring down at the students as the stirred their potions. It had been approximately six days, eighteen hours and four and a half minutes since Ester died in my arms and I couldn't still get rid of the cavernous feeling inside me no matter how hard I tried.
Most of my days were spent like this now. Counting the hours. Trying to push her from my head. But it was always a lost cause. I thought about her even in my sleep. The dream would always be of her either dying in my arms one way or another. Sometimes, the killing curse did her in. Other times, it was me performing spectumsempra. Either way, I would always wake up drenched in a cold sweat and gasping for air.
Soon, I just stopped sleeping altogether and would just spend my nights at the bar, hoping to just drink myself to death. I never did achieve that goal though. Not yet anyways. Some nights, Lucius would even join me, just to see how I was doing. And we would just talk about random things that didn't have to do with anything really, just to keep myself numb.
Eventually though, that stage would go away only to be replaced with that all too familiar emptiness. And we both would just stop talking and just sit there and drink until we both felt dizzy. I know. I was pathetic. I was weak.
Suddenly, I heard a whisper coming from a table in the back, snapping me out of my own miserable thoughts. I looked up to find Potter muttering something to Miss Granger next to him.
"Detention, Potter, for two weeks. There is no speaking in my class." I growled. Even that didn't phase my mood.
"But I was only asking to--" he excused before I cut him off.
"Cheating off Granger were you? That's another weeks worth of detention for both of you." I drawled.
As they went back to work then, Ester's words echoed in my ears. 'Be nice to Harry. He's a good kid.'
"Never mind, Potter. I'm too busy for the likes of you two. Your detention is dismissed." I announced then.
He nodded, frowning in confusion. "...Thank you, professor."
Then he went back to his work, brewing his sleeping drought until it reached the proper temperature. And I slumped back in my seat, the emptiness inside expanding even larger if that was even possible. Albus kept saying that it would go away if I 'found closure.' But I didn't want to find closure. I didn't want to get over Ester or forget. That was what closure was about. Right? I just wanted some other emotion besides anger and emptiness to take over. I wanted to feel something besides that. I also should mention, that I still haven't cried yet. And this may sound very strange, but I really wanted to. Maybe it would help, if I went to Her grave.
I glanced over to the window then. It's shudders were slightly ajar and I could barely make out the words on her tombstone from where I sat. 'R.I.P; Ester Rae Kingsley.'
There was an inscription at the bottom too from Neville's speech. 'The way we remember something after it's gone determines how valuable it is. This is one of life's more... inconvenient truths.'
"Attention," I announced suddenly. The class looked up from their work. "I have something to do. Stay put. Anyone who is caught screwing around while i'm gone will receive detention."
Then I realized as I made my way out the door, that I sounded like Ester when I said, 'screwing around.' I remembered her using that phrase a lot when she was annoyed about something. I bit my lower lip and quickly dismissed the thought though. She was still too painful to think about.
When I got to the grave, still trying to shake the image of her face from my mind, I was surprised to find it occupied. I quickly stepped back behind a nearby tree, poking my head around the corner to spy Longbottom standing there, his hands folded politely behind his back.
"I miss you, Ester. I wish you were still here." He sniffled, quickly wiping away the tears dripping down his face. "And I think about you a lot these days. I still remember that time, when you completely dislocated Malfoy's shoulder. He ranted about it for weeks, sounding absolutely pathetic."
He paused then, staring down at his shoes thoughtfully. A small smile crept to his mouth as he remembered her. "I hope you're doing okay, wherever you are now; by the way. To tell you the truth, Fred, George and I are a wreck right now. They don't smile as much anymore. Me neither, I suppose. Especially now that O.W.L results are coming out tomorrow. We all know how hard you worked to get a good grade on the exams. I wish you were still here, as I said again. So you could see the grades you got... I'm sure you did well though. You worked really hard."
Longbottom sniffled again, wiping his runny nose on his robes. Then he stared down at her grave for a long time without speaking. When he finally did, it came out hollow and monotone.
"Anyway, I should get back soon. I'm supposed to be in Potions now. But, the whole reason I came here today- before I go- was to give you something back." He said, almost too low for me to hear from where I stood, hidden in the shadows of the shade tree.
Then, he dug his hand into the pocket of his school robes and pulled out something very familiar to me. Ester's necklace gleamed in the early morning sunlight, the shining silver music note dangling loosely in the breeze. And a rush of anger swept over me. Why would Longbottom have it? He stole it. That was probably it.
I was just about to go out and snatch it from him too, when he began to speak again; slowly setting it down in the grass in front of her tombstone.
"I-I don't feel right having this anymore. And I want you to have it back. I know that you might not want it anymore, because that's what you kept saying when you gave it to me, but I can't keep it." He cried, wiping his nose again on his other clean sleeve. "It reminds me too much of you, Essy, and I can't take it anymore. I miss you too much. And every time I look at it, I feel awful about what happened to you. I think you deserve so much better. You're beautiful, Ester. And smart and kind and everything else good that's missing from my life now without you. I also knew that when you died, you thought Harry was more important to keep alive. I guess that is true because he's famous, but you're important too. You're important to me, Luna, Fred, George and even Snape."
He took one last very long pause to stare vacantly down at her grave. "I think he's really hurting without you. At the funeral, he just wasn't right. He started yelling and got really mad at everyone. I think he blames himself in a way for you dying. And this may sound weird considering that he seems to despise me and everything, but I feel kind of bad for him."
Longbottom gave one last glance then back at her headstone and trudged away, shoving his hands into his pockets and ducking his head. The ignorant boy didn't even seem to notice me as he passed up the tree, even when at one point, I was a mere few feet away from his position.
But seeing as I wasn't my usual self, I let it slide as I saw him disappear back into the castle. Then, I hesitantly came out from behind the tree and walked up to the grave. And I felt my knees go weak upon seeing it. So I fell to the ground, landing painfully on my knees. To be honest, this was the first time I had visited Ester's grave up close before.
"Oh, Ester," I breathed, laying a heavy hand on the top of her tomb stone. "Oh god..."
In reply, there was only the soft breeze turning to a loud roar in my ears as the wind grew rougher, and then quiet. I felt the first cold raindrop hit too, landing right on my hand. I looked up. The sky was becoming dark with storm clouds, reflecting my mood almost perfectly. A second raindrop fell, hitting the side of Ester's headstone.
My instincts told me to leave then, as the first clap of thunder boomed in the sky, followed by a white hot bolt of lightning. I ignored them and yet another drop hit my nose.
"Ester. If you can hear me, I just came here to say in addition to Longbottom's words, I do blame myself." I explained, the emptiness even larger than ever now as it spread into the pit of my stomach. I felt sick. "...I should have stopped you. But I just stood by and watched. It's all my fault."
The rain became slightly heavier now, the wind howling loudly and battering my ears. My eyes were beginning to sting. "And I also think you should know, I never was trying to use you. I did the awful thing I did to keep you safe... The dark lord had his eye on you ever since you came to school here at Hogwarts. I thought that if I distanced myself from you as much as possible, it might keep you below the radar. I know how bad I hurt you and I did it for nothing. It didn't even work..."
And then I buried my face in my hands, and the first tear came to my eye, leaking slowly out the corner. I was glad it was raining (very hard now) so if anyone walked by, they would just think it's water. And I embraced the tears. The emptiness was still there, but at least there was some other emotion besides that.
"I loved you, Ester. I still love you, and when you-you died, I shut down. For days I put all my energy into finding something, anything, that could possibly bring you back. But I couldn't find anything in the books..." I cried, my gaze now focused on Ester's necklace laying in the sopping wet grass. I picked it up, the shining metal cold to the touch.
"Please, come back to me, Ester." I begged, even though I knew that would never happen. "I would do anything... Every day, I wish it was me instead of you. If I could, I absolutely would."
Suddenly, just as I was about to say something else, anything else to keep the numbness at bay, a large grey screech owl swooped down from above and dropped a small package into my lap, causing me to drop the necklace gripped in my fist. There was a letter attached to the front.
Tentatively, I tore it open and pulled out the letter inside. It only had one sentence and it was written in emerald green ink.
'Don't let your past self see you.
-Albus'
With a sinking feeling growing in the pit of my stomach then, I tore open the package, casting the letter aside as I did so. And I pulled out what my hopes had confirmed. A time turner.
'I mark the hours, every one, nor have I yet outrun the sun. My use and value, unto you, are gauged by what you have to do.'
"If your going to save Ester, I'm coming with." A voice suddenly sounded from behind me. I didn't even have to turn to know the jittery voice belonged to Longbottom.
I sighed warily, not even in the mood to yell at him anymore. "Get back to class, Longbottom. I'm busy."
I heard him step closer with hesitant strides. "I'm coming with you. I don't care what you say."
"Detention, two weeks unless you leave this instant." I growled, this time getting up and turning to him. I'm glad the rain was camouflaging my tears then, so I didn't look as weak. I probably looked frail already, so tired I felt like I was about to drop. The deep purple bags under my eyes felt heavy like lead.
"I don't care what you say, Professor. You can't stop me. Ester was my friend and I want to help save her if it's actually possible." He demanded, his fists balling up at his sides.
But he seemed to shrink back just a bit as I glared down at him coldly. Good. "That's absurd. Absolutely not. Now leave and get back to class before I give you a detention with Filch in the dark forest."
"No. If you don't let me come with you, i'll tell the ministry about your relationship with Ester and you'll be sacked." Longbottom threatened then, his voice rising in anger and frustration.
I sighed loudly, pinching the bridge of my nose. "You are in no position to bargain, Longbottom. My answer is no and that's final."
With that, I stepped back with the time turner in hand, and began to wind it to the approximate hour of when she was bitten by Nagini. This was my job to save Ester and no one else's. No insolent little pest such as Neville would get in my way. I also winded it back an extra hour or two, just so I would have a little extra time to get to her.
And just as I reached the final turn of the device, I felt someone grab onto the back of my cloak tightly. I whirled around just a split second too late then, to find Neville grabbing for the time turner. I would have stopped him too by shoving him off of me, but the two of us had already begun to go backwards in time.