"Love does not know how to be modest, its desire is its rule, its delight its law, it has no measure but its excess; its right of possession rests in the boldness to lay claim to everything and in the freedom to try everything. But of course, love only has these rights on the condition that it always takes the right path. If it has lost its way, it must return by long detours and must tremble and weep for its aberration and atone for its mistakes through its shame." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
But what is the right path? Is it not also love to lose oneself in her name? To wander, to hope, to fear, to put the happiness of the beloved above one's own? Who sets out to judge without knowing fate and love's destiny? What mistakes to atone for bitterly when the pain of separation can trump nothing and only death promises redemption?
And what if words cannot describe how you feel? When everything is too much and yet never enough, is it love? Who determines which emotions are hidden behind a feeling?
But what if love is not enough, is it a punishment? A test that explores the limits of the self, perhaps even fate itself?
And if fate can be controlled just like everything else, is it really fate? Or is it coincidence, a lucky coincidence or are we all the architects of our own destiny? What if our destiny is to finally believe? In ourselves and our strength, in the power that lies within us? Trust in ourselves and therefore also in others? In a common, unstoppable path that can finally fulfill its destiny.
December 16, 2149
The night was drawing to a close and still none of the women had moved. They looked at each other as if they were each other's fantasy. Like a dream that faded as soon as they opened their eyes. But they weren't dreaming, their minds were awake. Silence was their closest confidant, yet it was always filled with the sound of the snow, the hustle and bustle outside the door and the quiet humming of their hearts. Senta Berger once said: "Love is a composition in which the pauses are just as important as the music." How much importance would be attached to it without a conductor to lead it? Ultimately, however, the decisive factor was not whether you heard it, but that you felt it and allowed yourself to be captivated by it. And the two women did nothing else. They knew that as soon as they left the room, reality would catch up with them. It was unavoidable. "I wish we could sit here forever." Lexa sighed and played with Clarke's fingers.
"Everything is finite, even if I'd like to stay. Everyday life seems so much further away than this moment. Like it's more tangible or longer than anything else."
The brunette smiled gently. "Infinity, which is really just a moment. I don't know whether that should make me happy or frightened, because I want to experience it more often. With you by my side."
"Someday, if the world allows it, we will be more together than we ever dared to dream." It was hope packed into the wishes of a lonely heart, whose bitterness began to fade with every moment spent together.
"Am I weak if I wish for it now?" It was a shy question, full of fear of rejection.
"Nothing you say could ever seem weak in my eyes. You're braver than I could ever be." Clarke gave her a genuine smile. "Still, I hope to catch up with you one day." She stood up, stroked Lexa's cheek once more and then turned towards the door. "I'll meet you in the morning, where the world awaits. Good night."
"I'll be there." With that, the blonde disappeared, leaving behind a happy, beaming commander filled with feelings she had never experienced before.
The few remaining hours felt like mere seconds before they had to get up. But none of the women felt tired, rather they were buoyed up by the thought of last night. Coupled with hope that promised to be more than just a castle in the air. Even Clarke wanted to believe in it.
She was still working when a murmur, followed by a wave of bows, went through the room. The blonde looked around in astonishment when she saw Lexa coming towards her. She quickly followed the others and bowed. If the situation were less public, the brunette would smile, but if the situation were actually different, protocol would not require this gesture.
Drying her hands on a tea towel, apron and flour on her face, Raven approached the Commander. "Heda, how may I be of service?"
"Good evening, Raven. I need Clarke on an urgent matter." She phrased it like a question, but the chef couldn't refuse anyway.
"Of course." She looked at the blonde and nodded at her.
She looked questioningly at Lexa. What urgent matter did the brunette need to speak to her about? Bellamy gave the two women a skeptical look, but remained silent and returned to his work.
Clarke was wearing an apron like Raven, her hair a little white from all the flour and her arms up to her elbows in dough. She hurried to the sink, which was supplied with running water by a pump, and began to clean herself as best she could.
"Sorry to have kept you waiting." The two women were still being watched, but instead of making a joke of the situation, the brunette merely nodded.
As soon as they arrived in the hallway, Clarke couldn't stand it any longer. "What kind of urgent business is this?"
Lexa grinned. "I could answer that my hunger was unbearable, which is true, but then Raven probably wouldn't have let you go."
Now it was Clarke's turn to laugh. "You know she can't refuse you anything." Worried that she might be overheard, the blonde stayed true to the rules, even if it felt strange now.
"Being the commander does have its advantages." The brunette's grin widened and looked a little embarrassed at the same time. "The truth is, I wanted to see you. It's been a few hours and a few weeks since we last dined together. My body, however, stayed in our rhythm and my stomach growls at 7pm on the dot."
"I missed you too... all those weeks apart... It wasn't easy." Clarke's words were no more than a whisper, she seemed far more concerned about potential listeners than the brunette was. She lost herself in the desired togetherness and, after the day that had passed and the stoic mask that was always required, felt the need to be more than just the commander.
Finally, they arrived in the dining room. The room was filled with burning candles, a few rugs and a table that could have seated far more than just the two of them.
Lexa closed the door behind her and looked at Clarke seriously. "Then come with me next time. Why the separation if we both don't want it? It seems like a punishment we both don't deserve."
"On what grounds? It would be too easy to see through, and as long as Nia hasn't been sentenced, too risky." The words slipped from Clarke's lips with difficulty and felt painful, which only got worse when she thought of the consequences.
Lexa, on the other hand, knew she was right, but that didn't make the circumstances any easier for her. "Then we'll discuss it afterwards."
"If there is an after," Clarke thought to herself, but didn't say it, now wasn't the time. So she nodded in response. But Lexa knew that the blonde didn't say everything that was on her mind, but they had time and so she tenderly squeezed her hand and breathed a kiss on it. It was her way of saying that they would manage everything together. "I hope no one from the kitchen is bringing the food." Clarke felt a little guilty for putting down her work by saying the wrong thing and indulging herself instead.
"We can also put important-looking papers on the table or you can hide under them when they bring the food." The corners of Lexa's mouth twitched, but she made an effort to keep a serious-looking face.
"Thank you for your brilliant ideas, but no." Clarke emphasized the polite form as ironically as possible, bringing a genuine smile to Lexa's face.
"Then I can't help you either." She shrugged her shoulders as if her suggestions would have been useful if only the blonde had been more skillful.
"I thought you, as commander, knew no boundaries?" Clarke tried to tease Lexa.
"You want me to spare Bellamy and punish the others because I'm keeping you from working? Doesn't seem appropriate to me, unless he brings the food." Green eyes began to sparkle almost maliciously.
Clarke laughed out loud. "He really is a thorn in your side... Will it help if I tell you he's keeping quiet these days?"
"It's a start, although I don't like the right now." If she hadn't been the commander, she would probably have snorted out loud.
"I don't like Cassandra's constant closeness to you either, yet she's not in danger of missing limbs after a conversation with me." Clarke couldn't help rolling her eyes.
"I guess it's hard to compare the two."
"She's courting you like Bellamy is courting me, albeit far more subtly," Clarke persisted.
"You've noticed that?" The brunette raised an eyebrow only slightly, but that didn't diminish her surprise.
"It wasn't that subtle. I've been watching you and it seems you're no stranger to this affection. Obviously, I've missed a few things in your absence too." Her heart began to ache at the dreaded suspicion.
"Nothing of concern..." Clarke just looked at her, she knew the brunette was hiding things from her and she relented under the gaze of blue eyes. "She offered me a night in her bed..." She fell silent, but the blonde was still staring at her. Sighing, Lexa admitted defeat again. "There was a time when I accepted that offer, but that was a long time ago." A wave of jealousy gripped Clarke and she didn't know what to say. So she was glad when the food arrived shortly afterwards. The silence continued and unsettled both women. They wondered what they were now. Friends? But that didn't seem to be enough and didn't explain their feelings. Nevertheless, they were not a couple, even though they had certain tendencies that spoke for it, including monogamy. Feeling committed to each other without actually being more. But did that make sense? This back and forth and all the uncertainty, the hidden wishes and hopes. All the fears about whether they could ever be more than those hidden moments they stole from each other, as if it were a crime, a betrayal of everything they knew. "None of it matters anymore, never really did. A comfort, the possibility of minimizing the shared loneliness, but that's all it was."
"She certainly doesn't see it that way." The blonde wondered if she could keep up with the Commander's past and a woman like Cassandra.
"Even if that's the case, I don't share her view. It's not even an option. I give you my word." Across the table, Clarke sought contact with Lexa. It was a gentle touch, she didn't dare do more, as if she might burn herself. "The same goes for Bellamy. He talks in grand tones and has a hard time taking no for an answer. I have no interest in him whatsoever and hope that he soon devotes himself to someone else or finally learns to control his urges. Because THAT would be a gift to the ladies."
"Am I being too bad if I sometimes imagine him as a eunuch?" The corners of her mouth twitched at Clarke's wry smile and she tilted her head slightly. "I'm afraid so, as he has nothing else to offer, at least if you leave his sister out of the equation."
"Would you like to tell me more about your experiences over the last few weeks? I feel like I've missed out on a life." Lexa sighed and thought back to the many conversations she hadn't been a part of over the past few weeks. How she would have loved to see their sparkling eyes during her voyage of discovery instead of dealing with political matters and pointing out the importance of the coalition to allies. She was all the more pleased now to hear Clarke's stories.
She told of her inquiries in the tower itself, but also in Polis and her conversations with Ryder. About her beginnings in the laundry room, where she had met Octavia, and how it had taken her a long time to believe that she was actually related to Bellamy. She didn't leave out her new everyday life either and Lexa asked questions with interest.
"Would you consider cooking for me one day?" The reserved question made Clarke smile. "But only if you do it for me one day."
Lexa laughed. "Believe me, that wouldn't be a good idea. I may have many talents, but this is definitely not one of them." The blonde gave her a wry smile and began to ask her questions about the peace negotiations, the journey and her past.
The conversation never seemed to stop and when they finally said goodbye, they both found it equally difficult to go to their own rooms. Clarke wanted to be close to Lexa so much that it hurt her. But she knew that if she gave in to this desire, there would be no going back. But neither words nor actions could be taken back, so she did everything carefully. Never too much, but never too little either, otherwise her heart would perish like a flower that has been forgotten to water.
Lexa, meanwhile, stood behind her door, the handle still in her hand, trying to resist the urge to knock on Clarke's door and leave all doubts behind her and surrender to her with all her senses, but she too remained where she was. "Some things take time to grow and sometimes to understand the truth." Nyko's words struck Titus. "A commander waits for no one, he has no one to answer to but himself. Time is a luxury he doesn't have." However, this had been before the agreement, before she had founded the coalition and ensured peace. Even if it still hadn't reached the proportions she had imagined. But even then, time and patience played an important role.
The brunette took her hand off the handle and ran it through her hair instead. She noticed the chaos inside her and knew that her mind would not find peace, so she sat down on the floor in front of her bed and went into the lotus position.
"Peace and war are so close to each other that sometimes they even arise from the same motives. Sometimes, however, you have to stop and take a step back instead of taking the path forward to avoid going in the wrong direction." She was deeply immersed in her meditation, searching for peace, perhaps even answers. "Time is multifaceted and non-linear, and yet all too often it seems to slip between our fingers. This makes it all the more important to prioritize, to choose wisely. And above all, wisely." She began to loosen her shoulders, let her head circle and when her eyes opened, her gaze cleared after a few seconds. "Time is manifold and not linear..." continued to haunt her mind and wouldn't let go. Inevitably, she wondered how time could follow a pattern or even a sequence if it was variable in nature. She had to be connected to something that transcended the boundaries of the mind. "There is so much we can't understand and even more we don't want to understand." Was she setting her own limits or had they been set for her?
***
The next day could be one of many if the moment of trial didn't soon catch up with Clarke. Driven by longing and fear. The desire of the beginning and the fear of the end. She felt lonely and protected, a paradoxical mixture of emotions that didn't seem to fit together and yet did.
Her body was as heavy as lead and it was only with difficulty that she managed to get out of bed and get dressed. Despite the beautiful end to her evening, she hadn't been able to rest, her thoughts even more confused than usual. During her shift, Raven had told her, "I don't want to see you here for the next few days. Distracted like this, you're just a danger. You'll end up hacking someone off. Even if I could understand it with Bellamy," and sent her away. It had been her way of showing compassion.
And so Clarke wandered through the corridors in search of distraction until she stood in front of Lexa's room,
undecided what to do next. But she wasn't to be alone with her thoughts for long, because suddenly the door opened and Lexa almost ran into her. She stopped in surprise. "I was just on my way to see you." The brunette stepped aside and let her in. "Please sit down." Clarke went to the chest in front of the bed and sat down, not without inviting Lexa to do the same.
"The delegates are arriving tomorrow and I wanted to see how you're doing." The brunette complied with the request and sat down next to her, but Clarke couldn't manage to look at her. "And my fate will be decided."
"Clarke, you're not being accused of a crime, Nia is. You have nothing to worry about." Lexa knew the emissaries well enough to know that the outcome of these talks wasn't as clear-cut as they should be, partly because she was sure the Ice Queen had something planned for them.
"It will be an important day and I must convince them of the rightness of my words. It won't be easy, considering the circumstances." Her voice weak, the woman let her shoulders sag.
"You're not alone, Anya and Luna will also be there to support you. Just like... Just like me." Lexa hesitated briefly before continuing. "My support would be even more meaningful if we made it official. No more formal salutations, not even in front of the generals or delegates, because then everyone would know that I'm behind you unconditionally." Once again, the brunette made herself vulnerable by taking a step towards Clarke, both mentally and physically. Which wasn't easy for her, as she didn't want to cross any more boundaries after the kiss and wanted to protect her heart at the same time. "I know none of this is easy for you. A lot of things are uncertain, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm not one of them. I am not uncertain, for me there is no waiting, no hesitation, I know what, or rather who, I want, Clarke. I love you and nothing you could ever do or say will ever change that. So let's dare to take the next step, even if you've always been against it. I mean, I had to do a lot of convincing before you stopped talking to me in the private chambers. But what's wrong with that?" Once again, it was heart over head. Emotion over reason. She knew the risk of being rejected and yet was prepared to take it, knowing that it was worth it. We all tend to have doubts that influence our actions, holding us back for fear of making mistakes and showing vulnerability.
Clarke's eyes began to gleam. "My freedom is a mirage. A beautiful lie that has been carefully constructed and will catch up with me sooner or later, even if I try my hardest to prevent it." Gently, she took Lexa's hand in hers. "I don't want my consequences to become yours, and they would, believe me. "
"What does that mean?" Lexa was confused.
"It's not a no, it's a, not yet." Clarke sighed deeply and ran a hand through her hair. "Though I doubt you'd still want it if you knew the truth."
"Nothing in this world could convince me otherwise." The brunette believed her words, Clarke, on the other hand, was full of fear, full of the doubt that seemed to engulf her.
"You say that now. It's easy to say things like that without knowing the big picture." The blonde stood up and moved a few meters away.
How am I supposed to understand if you don't tell me?" Lexa had also stood up and followed her. "You're speaking in riddles and distancing yourself from me. What scares you so much?"
"Your judgment, and that it will be like everyone else before you who has experienced it. I want to be honest, but I can't. I wouldn't be able to cope with losing you. I feel this certainty in the depths of my soul. As if we had been at this point several times before, with the same result every time, and another rejection would mean a break-up from which my soul, my entire existence, would never recover. It would be the end of everything I ever was and ever will be. As if I would simply cease to exist."
"I feel your words all the way to my soul, they make it tremble with grief and a guilt I don't understand, yet they seem so real and true in a way that takes my breath away. I can't take away your fears and I doubt my words will overcome your concerns. But I hope that my actions will make a difference, that they will show you whatever it is you need to see. But I won't stop professing how I feel about you because I'd rather say too much than one day regret keeping quiet."
They held hands, blue eyes glittering with the liquid that had gathered in them. Clarke tried to understand, or at least to comprehend. Feelings deeper than the deepest place in the ocean, deeper than the Marianne Trench, filled the room with her revelation and so it took the blonde a few minutes before she was able to say anything. "I believe you. Every single word, because I know you're convinced of it. But that doesn't change the way I feel, so I can't comply with your request. After all, haven't we all played a game we knew we couldn't win, hoping to the last that we were wrong?"
Lexa heard the sadness and the imagined certainty of a truth that she could not escape. The brunette looked intently at the young woman in front of her. There was nothing she could say or do to convince her otherwise, yet she couldn't let it go, couldn't leave her alone with her thoughts. "This isn't a game for me. It's not a trial and error. This is beyond my understanding. What we have means a freedom for me that I've never had. I decide for you, just as I do for myself. Freedom sometimes means having the courage to take a chance, because that's the only way to achieve happiness. I am not prepared to give up any of it. It may seem foolish, but it's what's worth fighting for. You are my freedom and therefore the path to myself and my happiness." Lexa spoke with passion and devotion, because every word she said spoke the truth. Her heart and her whole body were filled with warmth and love. "Before you, I didn't know what love even meant."
The blonde sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "And what do you love about me? We've only known each other a few months, how can you talk about love?"
"I know you well enough to know that I do. It's not the duration that's relevant, but the feelings that are triggered. And I know you, that's the biggest point where you're wrong. I know your weaknesses just as well as I know all your many strengths. I see your compassion towards everyone you meet. I see your intellect and your strategic thinking. I know your stubbornness and the strong will that comes from it. I also know that you are afraid. Afraid of being hurt and let down, of your trust being abused again. But I will always be on your side, I may not agree with you, but I won't leave you alone."
"I wish I could believe you." The blonde was trapped in her fear. It didn't matter how much she wanted to trust Lexa, when everything inside her spoke out against it, she felt powerless.
"Clarke I..." But the blonde interrupted her. "Don't, Lexa, I've hurt you enough already."
She started to leave, but the brunette stopped her. "Please stay. Nothing feels more wrong than if I let you go now."
"Why are you doing all this?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing. How could Lexa, after all that had happened, stand here in front of her and stop her? Ask her to stay instead of sending her away?
"Because love doesn't demand." Clarke stood frozen. She could no longer move.
"Love is selfless in everything it does. It doesn't demand, only humans do that. As if feelings had to be proven. But love is not a thing, it is a gesture, filled with attentiveness for the other person. It requires devotion and trust. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is. The core always remains the same." She felt her brother's hands on her face, saw his kind smile and felt him pull her into his arms. "Love, Clarke, will never demand. Everything else is hope for love, and that's never enough." And then she realized.
"You're right about everything you say, and that's exactly what's holding me back. Even though I want nothing more than to believe every word you say, I don't know if I'm ready yet." The blonde sighed.
Lexa took Clarke's hand in hers, held it gently and began to stroke it tenderly before smiling lovingly at her. "I don't expect you to be ready, but I want you to know that I am. I will wait for you until you are. A lifetime, if that's the time you need. I would never force you to do anything, I just hope to be able to convince you of the truth at some point."
"How can you, how can all this be real? How can I be worth going to all this trouble for?" Clarke looked into bright eyes that gazed at her full of understanding, as if she were the most precious thing in the world, and she could no longer hold back the tears. They flowed like torrents from her eyes and Lexa instantly pulled her close. The blonde buried her head in the crook of Lexa's neck and simply let herself be held. The brunette gently stroked her hair and began to talk to her with soothing words. "You're worth everything and much more. I can't understand why you can't see that. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for even a second." She gave Clarke a thoughtful kiss on the top of her head and hugged her even closer. "I'm here for you, whatever comes, you'll never be alone again. You don't have to go through this night alone either."
The blonde looked at Lexa lovingly and sadly at the same time. "I can't stay, not like this. Maybe never, I don't know." Clarke sighed deeply. "I rush and rush in equal parts, arrive and stay away. Everything in me seems to be one contradiction that I can't sort out. It wouldn't be right to put you through this, because if I stayed with you this night, I wouldn't be able to leave. But the danger remains. She won't rest until she gets what she wants. I don't know if I can risk losing you. Head over heart. Reason over emotion."
The brunette sighed deeply. "We're not puppets, tied to ropes just waiting to be played. We have a choice and make decisions even when we don't. Silent acceptance of our own destiny. You're no longer a victim and you never have to be," Lexa said, but Clarke saw it differently. "We're both prisoners. You to your teachings and I to mine. You may recognize differences, but I see the equation, the similarity that underlies it. How can you deny what is in front of you?"
"Just because I don't take it for granted doesn't mean I deny it. Let's change what's in our power instead of mourning what we seem to lack. It's just a different approach. Tell me, Clarke, has yours fulfilled you so far? Brought you the happiness you dreamed of?" The brunette had long known the answer, was even sure of it, but sometimes it wasn't enough to understand and only self-knowledge brought the desired peace.
The blonde could have denied the truth they were both certain of, just to maintain her own pride. But what would have been the purpose or its added value? "No, not entirely and not in the way I had hoped."
"Then what's stopping you from at least trying? I want to believe in the beauty of my dreams and in a future that includes them. Away from everyone who speaks out against them." At that moment, Lexa stood up for herself. It was the bravest decision of her life and one that Lexa would never regret.
"I'm afraid to experience everything I want, to have my wishes come true, only to end up living without her." And so without you. But this wasn't her moment. Clarke didn't know if it would ever come and if she would feel it if it ever did. She wanted to fly, she wanted to be free, but it seemed as if she was attached to chains, to stones as heavy as tens of kilograms.
"If you deprive yourself of everything that is important to you, that means something to you, you will end up alone." Lexa spoke quietly, calmly, but the meaning hit Clarke like a blow; hearing the truth hurt. "Running away from your own feelings may sound tempting, but it's a lonely road." The brunette spoke from experience that still pained her.
Clarke gently stroked Lexa's hand. "Loneliness was my companion for a long time and I believed it was my destiny. I am still trying to understand, to question what I have learned and to move forward courageously through this knowledge. But the conversations we are having right now don't end, they are like a circle, without beginning and without end. I know that you can't understand everything, but ultimately it doesn't matter. You want to take a risk whose consequences you can't fully assess and I don't want to put you through it. Let's wait and see what the negotiations bring before we discuss an unknown fate. We won't get anywhere this way and only fools repeat their actions and expect a different outcome. And we are not fools."
"At times, we are all fools."