Words could not describe the way the transformation from man to werewolf took over Remus Lupin, the way that Lily Potter felt her heart crash in the very bottom of herself. She gasped and stared at Remus, whose head lay in her lap, as his eyes suddenly rolled back, as his mouth fell open and his breath seemed to catch... He convulsed and shuddered and spit fell from his mouth and his back suddenly arched stiff as stone, his arms out nearly straight before him, fingers splayed -- and then -- suddenly his fingers were getting shorter, his nails getting longer, turning into claws. Suddenly his nose burst forward, stretching his upper jaw so that the sound of the bone cracking made her cry out in surprise.
"Oh my stars, his bones are breaking!" Lily looked at James, wild eyed with panic.
James's face was one of rueful acceptance as he nodded.
Tears sprang to Lily's eyes. "That's normal?" she gasped.
"Every month," James whispered.
"Oh my stars." Lily covered her mouth with one hand and grabbed onto Remus's now paw with the other as his lower jaw elongated and sharp teeth sprang forth from both sides.
The fur grew across him audibly, like a rushing of a sudden heavy downpour approaching or a gust of wind through a wheat field. It wasn't loud enough to cover the sound of his knees cracking backwards into wolfish joints and his spine - one vertebrae at a time - curling into the shape of the wolf.... and suddenly, Remus heaved himself up from the floor, the convulsions stopping and the wolf stood and looked around at them, threw his head back and let out a blood-chilling howl that shook the picture frames on the walls.
James had got up at some point during all this, the rat that was Peter still balanced on his shoulder and when the wolf stood, he pulled Lily to her feet and tucked her behind him, backing a few paces up, nervous despite the wolfsbane. He looked at Snuffles, who had stood up, too, between the werewolf and James, whose hackles were up, whose bared teeth were aimed at the wolf, and for a tremulous moment, they all stood there, staring at one another, the wolf's yellow eyes glinting at them.
And then the wolf took a step forward, opened his mouth... and licked Snuffle's nose.
Lily let out a cry and pushed her way around James, nearly knocking him into the chair. He caught Peter just before the rat fell, squealing, and Lily dove to her knees and wrapped her arms around the wolf. The wolf bucked back at first in surprise - yellow eyes wide - and then relaxed slowly...
No human had ever hugged the wolf before.
Lily pressed her face into the thick brown hair and squeezed the dog-like form tight into her arms, kissing his doggy neck repeatedly as she wept, all the nerves that watching the transformation had surged up in her releasing as she did it. "Remus, I love you, I'm so sorry you have to go through that," she sobbed. She'd felt every painful moment - she had every month, after all, but never while holding his hand - or paw, as part of the time it was. She shook her head and hugged him for what seemed like a century until he finally drew backward and licked her cheeks, taking away the tears.
And then Snuffles was barking at her and jumping and licking her, too, and Wormtail was squealing with delight as James laughed and crouched down to let him run onto Lily's shoulder. James grinned and grabbed Marlene Mckinnon's polaroid camera from the table. He held it up and turned it toward them all. "Say AWOOO, you lot."
"AWOO!" Lily laughed, tears still glistening in her eyes.
The picture was blurry as hell but it was one of Remus's favorites for many years - especially later, after everything happened.
They'd all had such fun in the evening that by the time Remus had transformed, they were all ready for sleeping. When Lily woke in the middle of the night, it was to find herself and James buried on the couch underneath the thick, warm bodies of the dogs, Peter transformed back into a boy and flopped over the arms of the nearest chair. Snuffles lay sprawled across James, head on the back of the wolf, who lay squashed between Lily and the back of the couch.
She blinked awake, finding his head laying across her chest, staring up at her sleepily. She smiled at him and reached up and stroked his head softly with her fingertips, then scratched his ears just like she said she would. He let out a contented doggy-sigh through his snout and nuzzled into her as she rubbed his chin and placed a kiss on the top of his snout. She stared into his eyes and could really see the Remus in them - all chocolate and loving, staring back.
She yawned and stretched a little and smiled at him. "What a good boy," she whispered, a slight laugh to her breath as she did. Her eyes glimmered at him sleepily. "Don't tell the others, Remus Lupin, but I think you're my very favorite Marauder."
The wolf stretched up and licked her cheek and she smiled, drifting back to sleep.
When she woke again in the morning, it was to find Remus sitting in the chair, cross-legged and reading a book he had balanced on his lap, a cup of tea on the coffee table before him. James and Snuffles were tangled up on the couch still, James's glasses knocked onto the floor by his head, which hung over the side of the couch at an angle that was certainly going to crick his neck. Wormtail was curled up in a ball on Lily's sternum, his long fleshy tail curled 'round him. Lily's hand gently patted the rat's back and he made a funny chirruping sound and pushed his tiny nose against her fingers.
As she lay there, patting the rat, Lily blinked at the cone-shaped party hats and blowers laying on the coffee table, at the left over food on plates and Remus's double-socked feet, toes wiggling, as the fireplace burned low, embers tumbling off the logs.
He glanced up from his book and saw her eyes open and smiled, closed the book and put it on the coffee table. "Good morning," he whispered.
"Morning," she whispered back.
He slid off the chair in as nimble a motion as he could ever make and smiled as he pushed himself across the floor to sit beside the couch, closer to her, knees bent, arms crossed over them and leaning his chin on one, just inches from her face. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, then settled back again, laying his whole head and cheek against his arms as he stared at her.
"So... were you terrified?" he asked.
"Of you?" Lily asked. Remus nodded. Lily shook her head. "Not at all. I was terrified for you, rather. It sounded so terrible, your bones and - and everything."
Remus smiled ruefully and nodded, "Yeah. Noisy, isn't it?"
"I can't believe you go through that every month."
"Some months are worse than others..."
"Your jaw must be hurting so much."
Remus murmured, "It's not so bad."
"Is it really not so bad or is it not so bad because you've felt worse? Because you're strong?"
Remus shrugged. "Because I don't know anything different, rather."
Lily's fingers kept petting the rat absently.
"Dumbledore's asked me to do something for him," Remus whispered. He was staring at the log in the hearth.
Lily frowned at the tone of his voice. "Oh?"
Remus nodded. His gaze shifted from the embers falling to ash, back to focusing on Lily's face, framed by her hair. He watched her fingers moving over the fur of the rat, watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically, making sure he was asleep. He glanced then at Snuffles and James, too, their hopelessly entangled bodies where if it wasn't for the fur of Snuffles one would have a hard time figuring out where James ended and Sirius began. All of them were asleep. He turned back to Lily. "I'm scared, Lily."
"Remus, honey," she said, "If you're scared, you absolutely do not need to do whatever it is he's asked. If you're scared, I reckon there's a damn good reason to be because you're never scared."
Remus shook his head, "That's not true."
"You're very brave," Lily said.
Remus frowned. "Sometimes I wish I wasn't a Gryffindor, Lily. Sometimes I wish that I didn't treasure being brave so much, that I didn't hold it in such high regard. Sometimes... I wish I could accept being a coward and running away from things a little bit easier... I dunno, be a proper give-upper for once. What house do you reckon are the give-uppers?"
"I don't reckon there is one that are give-uppers," Lily said.
"Yeah, I suppose not." Remus sighed. His voice was tiny now, barely a whisper. He didn't want the other lads to hear him. "He wants me to go to the werewolves."
She shook her head, "Nope."
"And become their leader," Remus continued.
"Oh definitely not."
"Because it's my right, having defeated Greyback, to take over the pack as the new alpha-leader that's defeated their former one." He looked away from her. "When he first said it, I was afraid of being around the werewolves during a full moon, afraid of accidentally revealing myself to them when I lost myself to the wolf - but with this potion, I realize that I don't necessarily have to... I could keep the wolf at bay."
"And now?"
"Now I'm afraid of losing myself in other ways," Remus answered softly.
"You can't go," Lily said quietly. "I won't let you."
Remus closed his eyes. "You Know Who is exploiting the way the Ministry mistreats the werewolves to get them to go rogue, and they're fighting for the rights to - to breathe basically, and they're being shut down by the Ministry for Magic, repeatedly told they're rubbish, not worth a damn, and I --" Remus looked over at Sirius again. "Sirius said - at the start of summer, when he was arrested - he asked me why it was that I didn't fight for my self because I didn't believe I was worth fighting for." Remus bit his lip a moment, then said, hurriedly, "I do think they are. Worth fighting for."
Lily whispered, "You don't have to do it, Remus. He'll find someone else."
"What if he's right? What if I am the only person that can stop the werewolves from falling prey to Vo-- You Know Who's lies... to the Ministry's lies?" Remus asked. He paused, then added, a chill going down his spine, "And who should they trust? If I did lead them... whose side do we turn to? Where do you go when both sides are wrong?"
"Instead of going left or right, you go straight through," Lily whispered, "And forge your own path, Remus. You stay true. The lies of the one do not outweigh the lies of the other. One lie isn't worse than the other. Both are equally evil."
There was a grunt of consciousness from the other end of the couch - a stirring as James's sleeping face deepened into a wince as he started to wake.
Remus looked at her, "Don't tell --"
Lily motioned zipping her lips.
James let out a loud yawn and his elbow accidentally hit Snuffles in the head. Snuffles let out a gruffle of indignation. "Oh shut it you furry beast," muttered James, blinking sleepily at every thing. He groaned and pushed himself up off the couch, only just missing landing on his glasses as he slid to the floor. His hands found them and he grappled with them a moment before sliding them onto his face. He blinked 'round at Lily and Remus. "Hullo."
"Morning sweetheart," Lily said.
James nodded and yawned again. Snuffles had settled into the warm space where James was, his feet now on Lily's knees. James turned his head and made a face, hand going to rub the crick in his neck. "Oi, Padfoot, you've gone a cricked my neck."
The dog seemed to smile in his sleep.
"Bastard, he is," James murmured. Then, "See if I share any of my bacon with you." He started getting up.
There was a hesitation, then Snuffles popped back into Sirius, who looked funny all tucked into himself. He sat up quickly, sniffing the air, "You haven't got bacon."
"Sadly, that is true. It's not cooked yet, no; but I do have some ready to cook."
Sirius said, "C'mere." He held out a hand and James nudged closer. "More," Sirius said. James nudged even closer. Sirius's hand reached over James's shoulder blades and expertly squeezed with two fingers while pushing with the three.
"Ow," James complained - the then... "Blimey, it worked. How'd you do that?" he demanded as the pain in his neck very suddenly just left.
Sirius grinned, "You forget we're wizards?"
"No but Sirius Black doesn't need to use magic to do that sort of magic," Remus supplied, thinking of the uncountable times Sirius had done that exact same move on him and released every muscle in his body within seconds.
Sirius grinned. "Now talk to me about this bacon?"