Kabanata 28
Priority
“Carae, baby, wake up.” I heard someone call my name, but it feels like it’s too far from me.
I am still struggling to breathe from trying to compose myself and from the attacking anxiety.
I can’t move my body. I can’t even lift a finger. It’s so hard to breathe, as if someone is trying to stop me from breathing.
“Carae, baby, wake up, please...” I heard that same voice again.
Someone squeezed my hand gently, dahilan kaya hinihingal akong nagising dahil sa tapik ng kung sino man sa akin. I can feel my heart beating so fast, and my face was wet because of my tears that were still streaming down and my sweat.
“Oh, thank God, you’re awake!” parang nabunotan ng tinik sa dibdib na saad ni Arshed.
Habol ko pa rin ang hininga ko habang nakatitig sa kanya. I stared at him while my tears were still streaming down my face. Sa nakikita kong pag-aalala sa mukha ni Arshed ay mas lalo akong naiyak. At sa takot na naramdaman ko, I then hugged him tightly.
Arshed said nothing. He just hugged me back and caressed my back while I’m still weeping.
“It’s okay, baby, it’s only a nightmare,” he keeps on hushing me.
Nightmare. Just a nightmare but it scares the hell out of me. It feels surreal, na kung hindi lang ako nagising ay iisipin kong totoo iyon.
“I t-thought you left already,” I whispered, and my voice was still shaking. Naramdaman ko ang paghalik ni Arshed sa buhok ko habang nakayakap parin ako sa kanya.
“That won’t happen. I won’t leave you.” He sounded like he was so sure. “I won’t leave you, I promise,” he added.
Hinayaan lang ako ni Arshed na nakayakap sa kanya hanggang sa kumalma ako. Nang bumitaw ako sa pagkakayap, he gave me water and put the strand of my hair behind my ears, still watching me intently while I’m drinking water.
I can’t read what's on his mind. He’s too deep to dive in. He ain't like those boys around that just one look, I already know what they feel, what they want, and what they need. He’s far from that. He’s too mysterious for me.
Tumayo si Arshed when my breathing eased already, kaya agad na naman akong binundol ng kaba.
“W-Where are you... g-going?” I startled.
Arshed stared at me again, and something was in his eyes. His eyes scream different emotions that I can’t name and explain.
“I will just get your dinner, baby.”
Dahil sa sinabi ni Arshed ay napalingon ako sa may bintana, only to see the dark surrounding outside and the pretty lights from the buildings near the hospital.
Ngumuso ako. Nasobrahan na naman ako sa tulog kanina. Akala ko talaga kanina ay umaga na nang magising ako, mabuti na lang panaginip lang iyon. But still, I overslept, kaya mahihirapan na naman akong bumalik sa pagtulog mamaya.
“Are you feeling better now? I’ll just get your dinner, okay?” Tumango ako. Arshed turned his back and walked towards the mini kitchen, at pagbalik nito ay dala na nito ang mga pagkaing hinanda.
He silently placed it in the hospital table at nilapit iyon sa kama ko. Inayos niya muna ako sa pagkaka-upo bago tumabi ng upo sa akin.
I saw Filipino dishes on the table. May Adobong Manok, isa iyan sa mga paborito kong ulam sa Pinas. Mayroon din namang Turkish dish na kadalasan naming kinakain tuwing nasa Istanbul kami.
“Where did you buy the Adobong Manok?” hindi ko napigilang itanong dahil ngayon lang ulit ako makakakain nito. Huli kong kain noong huli akong umuwi sa Pinas.
“I cooked it.” Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Arshed na seryosong naglalagay ng kanin at ulam sa plato.
“You do? You know how to cook Filipino dishes?” gulat na tanong ko. Of course magugulat ako since nagkakasabay lang naman kami kumain kapag lumalabas kami kasama sina Devon at kapag nasa biyahe kami, pero magkaiba rin naman ang kinakain namin.
“I cook Filipino dishes whenever I’m in my condo, Captain.” Tumango ako. I didn’t know he could cook too, though. Akala ko sa labas siya lagi kumakain, o kaya nagpapa-deliver lang. So knowing that he cooked for his food, amazed me.
Sumandok si Arshed ng pagkain tsaka iniumang iyon sa bibig ko kaya agad ko itong inilingan.
“I can eat on my own, Arshed,” agad na saad ko. “Did you eat already?” habol kong tanong.
Arshed put the spoon back on the plate and shook his head.
“Ikaw muna ang uunahin ko. I’ll eat after you finish eating.”
Agad ko rin siyang inilingan. Kahit sa ganito man lang hindi ako magiging pabigat sa kanya. How can I start my therapy session if I don’t start from doing things that I am capable of doing?
“No. Get a plate, and sabay na tayong kumain. I can eat on my own, Arshed.”
Arshed stared at me for a moment bago ito tumango at sinunod ang sinabi ko. When he had the plate, he sat down back beside and prepared food on his own plate, tsaka lang ako nag-umpisang kumain nang matapos siyang maglagay ng pagkain sa sariling plato.
We’re just eating silently. Arshed didn’t ask about my nightmare, na ipinagpasalamat ko. Hindi ko alam kong ano ang sasabihin ko kapag nagtanong siya kung bakit ako umiyak ng ganoon dahil sa panaginip ko. Sure that I was scared of the thought that he really realized that I am not worth enough to keep. Takot ako na tuluyan niya akong iwan, katulad ng ginawa ng mga taong inakala kong nagmamahal sa akin. Takot ako sa katotohanang baka pati siya ay napagod na rin sa pag-aalaga at pag-intindi sa akin, lalo na’t hindi niya naman ako responsibilidad.
If ever that happens, I don’t know if my heart could survive anymore. I haven’t healed yet on what I have learned about Jardine’s cheating problem. Dumagdag kasi kaagad ang aksidente, kaya hindi pa man ako nakakapagdalamhati dahil sa nasaksihan, sinundan agad ng pangyayaring ito. I haven’t mourn yet for my heart that being broken by my family, then Jardine broke it again... and now, I am literally unable to walk and move freely because of what happened. Kapag tuluyan akong iniwan ni Arshed... I don’t know if I can still make it.
I don’t have anyone right now aside from him. He is the only one who stayed by my side since shits happened. Kaya ipinagpapasalamat ko iyon. Ipinagpapasalamat ko sa panginoon na meeon pa rin siyang iniwang tao para alagaan at damayan ako sa panahong durog na durog ako. Nagpapasalamat ako sa paginoon na sa lahat ng nangyari, He still gave me a chance to live my borrowed life. He is truly the best.
I heard Arshed cleared his throat kaya napabalik ako sa huwisyo. He’s staring at me with confusion in his eyes.
“P-Pardon?” I asked, confused too.
“Are you okay?”
Agad akong tumango.
“Yeah... I am. Sorry, I was just occupied. What is it again?”
“I... was asking you if you still want to add your food? Ubos na kasi.”
Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa plato ko dahil sa tanong niya at nakitang wala na ngang laman iyon, tsaka buto na lang ng manok ang nasa plato ko na pilit kong tinutusok ng tinidor kanina.
Napangiwi ako.
My mind is wandering again and I forget what we are currently doing.
“Uhmm... I’m already full, thank you,” I said shyly.
“Okay, I’ll get your meds already.”
Hindi na hinintay ni Arshed ang sasabihin ko at agad na itong tumayo at kumuha ng gamot na naka-schedule na inumin ko ngayon.
He’s really dedicated to what he’s doing. Tuwing umaga at hapon na nga lang ako binibisita ng doctor ko dahil si Arshed na ang umaasikaso sa akin lagi—sa mga gamot, sa kung anong oras ako iinum, sa kung ano ang dapat kung inumin sa mga oras na iyon, ano ang bawal at hindi bawal kung kainin—name it, he memorized all of that. Kaya kapag nagtatanong ang doctor, siya pa ang nakakasagot, kasi hindi ko masyadong tinututukan ang mga sinasabi nito. I was too occupied with what happened, kaya sobrang thankful ako kay Arshed. He did everything, maliban na lang sa pagtulong sa akin maligo dahil hinahayan niya na ako, unless I needed a nurse to assist me in changing my clothes.
After I took my meds and Arshed started to clean the table, hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong pasalamatan siya. Because he deserves it. I haven’t said my thank you to him simula noong nagkamalay ako galing sa aksidente. Kaya ngayon, deserve niyang malaman na sobrang thankful ako na nadiyan siya.
“Arshed, thank you so much for everything...” I said with all the honesty in my system. Dahilan para biglang matigilan si Arshed sa ginagawa niya.
He looked at me, amazed, kaya mataman ko siyang nginitian.
“I know I am not your responsibility, but I am beyond thankful for what you did—for taking care of me, for always being there for me, for understanding me whenever I’m on the edge of my mood... and for everything. Thank you so, so much,” buong pusong pasasalamat ko sa kanya.
Arshed didn’t talk. He just stared at me with emotions playing in his eyes. Parang ang dami niyang gustong sabihin, pero hindi niya masabi. Parang ang dami niyang gustong ipaliwanag, pero hindi niya magawa. In the end, he chose to say a word that I know enough for me to believe in him.
“No matter what happened, I will always be by your side, Captain. You will always come first before everything. You will always be my top priority among all... never be the last, and will never be.”