It was a rare moment of peace and joy for Snow and Indila as they sat on the ground, watching Crassus toddle back and forth between them. His chubby little legs wobbled with each step, but he was determined to reach his destination. Snow and Indila cheered him on, their voices mingling in a chorus of encouragement.
Despite the tension that lingered between them, they couldn't help but be drawn together by the innocence and delight of his son's antics. Crassus's laughter filled the air, a sound that was music to their ears and a balm to their troubled hearts.
As Crassus reached Indila's outstretched arms, she scooped him up with a triumphant smile, pressing kisses to his rosy cheeks. Snow watched them with a tender expression, his heart swelling with love for his family.
For a brief moment, all was right in their world. The weight of their troubles lifted, replaced by the simple joy of being together as a family. And in that moment, Snow and Indila found solace in each other's presence, silently acknowledging the bond that held them together despite the trials they faced. Snow almost forgot Indila was not talking to him, it was that silly thing about the games. The games were almost over, only 4 tributes remained, still, she wouldn't talk to him except for moments like these.
"Come, darling, come to Dila," she cooed to Crassus, until he repeated her words in his very first word: "D-D-D-ila." Snow was delighted to witness his son's first word, but couldn't help feeling a twinge of jealousy. After all, Crassus was his son, and though Indila and he had no blood ties, it was clear that Crassus favored her. Indila cheered and kissed him, "Say it again, Dila," prompting Crassus to laugh and repeat, "D-D-Dila." "Oh gosh, did you hear that?" Indila said, turning to Snow. "I love you so much, little one." "I did," Snow assented.
Then an idea struck him. It wasn't a bad thing at all. This was one of the motivations he had for bringing Indila here in the first place: for her to be a mother to his son. And letting her know this was the perfect way to win back her heart. Unbeknownst to Snow, a hint of jealousy still lingered on his face. "Is everything okay?" Indila asked as she approached him. "Yes... it's just that it's his first word, and I didn't want it to be like this," Snow explained. Indila thought she knew what was going on and shyly kissed Snow's cheek. "Don't take it personally. We just spend more time together, and you are a very busy person..." "No," Snow interrupted her and continued. "It's not that. I just... I wish he would call you 'mom'."
Snow could sense Indila's surprise, as she struggled to find the right words. "No, I could never... It's not my place," she finally managed to say. Snow looked at her with a somber expression. "So, whose place is it? His mother is dead." For a moment, Snow felt a pang of sadness at the mention of his late wife, Livia. Not that he missed her—far from it—but if Indila couldn't fill this role in Crassus' life, he would be left without a mother, much like Snow himself had been. Indila remained silent.
"You can tell him about who his mother was. I'm sure he would be very proud of her, and I can be an amazing stepmother. I love him, it's true, more than anything, but I don't want to play a role in his life that was never meant to be mine," Indila finally spoke, her voice tinged with sincerity. Snow realized he would need to open up.
"You knew my mom?" Snow asked, Indila shook her head, her expression pained, as she cradled Crassus in her lap, sensing his growing fatigue. "That's because she was dead. She sang me to sleep every single night. She was the sweetest person I've ever met. She smelled like roses," Snow reminisced. Indila smiled at his memories. "Just like you," she said softly.
"She was so beautiful. I wish I looked more like her, especially the eyes. But people used to say I'm the spitting image of my father," Snow reminisced, his voice tinged with sadness. Indila listened intently, sensing the weight of his words.
"She got pregnant for the second time. I was so excited to meet my little sister, and then they both died while she was giving birth. I felt so guilty, like if there was something more I could do to save her. I loved her. I've been missing her every day since she died," Snow admitted, allowing the tears to flow freely. Since the compact was destroyed, he had avoided thinking about his mother, but every time he did, it still hurt. Indila rested her head on his shoulder, offering silent comfort. It was the first time she had done this since the Games, and Snow found solace in her presence.
"I lost my mom one year ago. I was not as young as you, but I don't think it matters anyways. She had blond hair like yours, but a golden blond. She had blue eyes like Crassus'. She also would sing me to sleep, and I ever felt like she was the only person who loved me," Indila revealed, her voice filled with a mixture of longing and sorrow. Snow could sense the depth of her pain, her grief mirroring his own.
"Saudade..." she whispered, a word unfamiliar to Snow. Throughout their life together, Indila would occasionally mention words in a language he did not understand. She had once mentioned that her family was originally from the ancient Spanish kingdom, but this was not her mother tongue.
"Do you understand then? What is happening to Crassus? I don't want to mention Livia to him, ever," Snow asserted, his voice tinged with frustration. "What? Are you mad? He has the right to know," she remarked, her tone demanding an explanation.
"Of what? He has the right to feel guilty? He has the right to feel the grief at such an early age? He has the right to experience the exact same disgrace we had?" Snow retorted, his voice matching her intensity. Crassus cried, prompting Indila to get up and soothe him, with Snow following suit.
"There is no point, Indila. You love him. You will be the mother figure to him. Anyway, there is no need for us to put him in such suffering," Snow reasoned. Indila continued calming Crassus, shooting him a disapproving look. Snow pressed on, his tone softer but still firm.
"Besides, I'm the parent. Please, let me raise my son as I will. And my will is that you are already his mother. I know you want it, deep in your heart," Snow insisted, his gaze unwavering. Indila's expression softened, realizing the truth in his words.
"Coriolanus, that's too much. But I really don't want to bring any suffering into the poor boy's life. I could agree under some terms," she conceded, though Snow knew there were always conditions with Indila.
"You said you are the parent. I want you to truly be," Indila reiterated, her tone firm and unwavering. Snow furrowed his brow, trying to comprehend her meaning. "I don't get it," he admitted, feeling a sense of confusion creeping in.
Indila rolled her eyes, a gesture of exasperation. "Mila is an incredible nanny, Crassus loves her. But here's the thing: she's a nanny. You are the parent. Or, in this case, we are the parents. If I'm doing this, I want you to participate, like, for real. I want you to change diapers, I want you to put him to sleep, I want you to be present for important moments of his life, and not just some, but most moments of his life. He misses you, he needs you, much more than the hour we spend together. If we are doing this, I want us to parent, truly parent. Mila will be just our help during the process," she explained, her words carrying a weight of expectation.
Snow considered her request carefully. It was a fair ask, and he realized that his relationship with Livia had, in many ways, made him absent from his son's life. "Deal," he agreed, his voice resolute. "And I'm not saying this just for Crassus, but for all the children we may have," she added, feeling a surge of hope at the prospect of a future together as a family.
So, she was staying. If she was talking about having other children, Snow thought, perhaps she was on the verge of forgiving him. Maybe everything would return to the way it was before.
"All right, he's sleepy, but I guess we are doing this by ourselves today then," Indila remarked, her tone carrying a hint of determination. Snow nodded in agreement. It was true that he had often put Crassus to sleep when he was a baby, but as he grew into a toddler, it became more challenging, and he had relied more on the nanny for that task.
"Yes, close the curtains and get a bottle for him," Indila instructed. Snow complied, disappearing momentarily to fetch the bottle. When he returned, he found Indila softly singing the lullaby that had become synonymous with Crassus's bedtime routine.
"My precious faith got lost and found
Still thinking of you
It is engraved in fallen vines
Still linger with you
I didn't break,
I didn't change
I didn't close my heart
Will we ever see, will we ever learn?
What is real and what is true?"
Indila reached out for the bottle, her movements graceful and fluid, as if she had performed this routine countless times before. Snow found himself mesmerized by the scene unfolding before him. The melody of the song filled the room, wrapping around them like a comforting embrace, yet beneath its soothing notes lurked a discomforting reminder of a past he longed to forget.
Uncertain of how to contribute to the moment, Snow remained rooted to the spot, silently observing as Indila tended to their son. He couldn't shake the feeling of being an outsider looking in, disconnected from the intimate bond shared between mother and child.
"I cannot wait, been long enough
Still burning for you
When will I be forever locked
Inside of your heart
I'm not afraid, have no regrets
I am prepared to dive
Into your world, where I belong
That is real and that is true
I can hear you
You are afar
But I know my heart is crystalline
Don't fall down now
This is a start
And I know your heart is crystalline"
As they returned to their bedroom, the weight of unspoken words hung heavy in the air. Snow couldn't shake the feeling that despite the tender moment shared with Crassus, there was still a vast distance between him and Indila. He had hoped that by participating more actively in parenting, he could mend the rift that had formed between them, but Indila's silence spoke volumes.
As he lay in bed beside her, Snow's mind raced with thoughts of how to offer a better apology, how to bridge the gap that seemed to widen with each passing day. In the quiet of their bedroom, Snow resolved to do whatever it took to win back Indila's trust and affection.
Author's note: I do not own the song, it's "Crystalline" by Amaranthe.