The silence consumed the room. My eyes fixated on his tainted forearm, and his eyes locked on mine.
I knew it was true. I knew from the second I read the letter, it would be there. But, seeing it, with my own eyes hurt in a different kind of way.
To see his skin stained with such evil, to see the pain behind his eyes, to have the words of that letter replay in my head on a continuous loop.
I finally ripped my eyes away from his arm, and trailed them up to his eyes.
They looked like they were begging me to say something, anything.
If I wasn't mistaken, they were even glassing over.
"Yn." His voice was shaky, he sounded scared.
I couldn't speak a word. I couldn't form a sentence no matter how hard I tried. How could I possibly put how I feel into words? How fucking sorry I am that he did this?
"Please." he spoke again.
"I-" my voice was far more hoarse then I thought, "I found the letter."
He bit the inside of his cheek.
"I shouldn't have taken it, I know." I let out a deep breath, as a tear stained my cheek, "but- Matt. Why would you do this?" I tried my hardest to hold back the tears. I couldn't.
"I was going to give it you eventually." he rolled his eyes, "I had no choice."
"Of course you had a choice!" I didn't mean to yell, it just slipped. "I know how much you didn't want this! How did you throw it all away, why did you throw it all away?!"
"I did it for you!" he snapped back at me. "Because I rather hate my fucking life than not have you in it!"
His chest was skipping, his cheeks were glowing red, and now I was certain that his eyes were glassed.
"You didn't have to sign your fucking life away Mattheo." I swallowed the lump of regret in my throat, "I would never ask this of you. I wanted so much more for you."
"What is that supposed to mean?" he was snappy, and angry.
"Just that-" I started.
"Go ahead! Say it. I'm ruined? I'm dirty? I'm too far gone now?"
"Matt, No!" I almost choked on the words coming up.
"Say it, yn!" he snapped.
"That you poured your whole heart out to me last summer, about how much you fucking hate him! That you never ever wanted to be like him, or follow him, how disturbed you were and traumatized and now-" my voice cracked again, "Now your... your..."
"Go a head. Say it." he scoffed.
"Matt. I just, I could never say how fucking sorry I am. For what you did, for not being there. For everything." I picked both my hands up wiping my cheeks.
"I never asked you to apologize. It was my choice." his voice was leveling out.
"You should've just let me go, Matt. I never expected you to save me." my lips shook uncontrollably.
"No. I shouldn't have. Because in all my life, I have never felt the way I feel, than what I feel when i'm around you. I could not let that feeling slip away from me. I did what I did, and I would do it again and again, to save you." this time, a single tear fell from his eye, which he quickly got rid of.
I walked over to him and threw my arms around him. I did exactly what his letter said he wanted. I held him. I felt his chest rising and falling rapidly, as his arms snaked around my waist pulling me closer. He buried his head in my neck.
I stood there, wrapped in his arms and silently cried. No matter what I said, or did, he would never know how much I regretted the fact that he did this. Not for the fact that I thought any different of him, but for the fact that I knew how he felt about himself now. And it was because of me.
"You're not ruined. You're not dirty." I whispered.
I felt his sob on my neck.
"I still love you, I promise." I squeezed him tighter.
He squeezed me back. I have never, in all my years of knowing him, seen this side of him. So open, so vulnerable.
I pulled him off of me, and walked over to my bed, patting at the tiny space next to me. He quickly walked over and put himself under my blanket. I wrapped my leg around his body, and my hands around his neck. I just wanted to hold him.
So I did.
We didn't speak another word that night. I let him fall asleep in my arms. His grip never loosened.
I laid there, quietly falling apart, mourning the man he wanted to be. The man and future he gave up for me.
Pansss
12:38 a.m
me
hey
can you sleep out tonight?
pansss
hi
uh year sure?
is everything okay?
me
yeah
just matts here and he fell asleep
and I really don't want to wake him
pansss
OH?
I need the tea bitch.
me
of course, whore.
I put my phone on my end side table, and looked down at Mattheo. Sleeping so peacefully in my arms. I rested my head on his and fell into a deep sleep.
I like to say I woke up from the worst dream of my life, and everything was fine. That Mattheo wasn't a death eater, and the world was simple. That in another alternate universe, we were just together, happily. I would love to say it actually.
Instead I woke up to an empty bed, and pounding at my door.
I dragged myself out of bed, and stumbled to it.
"About fucking time!" Pansy shouted.
"Sorry?" I rubbed my tired eyes.
"I've been calling you for an hour! Have you checked the group chat?!" she screamed as she ran to the bathroom.
I walked to my table and reached for my phone.
🐍
9:34 a.m
Dray🐇
WAKE UPPPPP
LAKE DAY
Theo🤌🏼
Draco
Shut the fuck up
It's too fucking early
Enzo🅱️
Fuck off
Dray🐇
ITS SO NICE OUT
I WANT TO SWIM
Mattheo.
It's actually pretty nice out
Enzo🅱️
Why the fuck are you in a good mood
Panssss
I'm so down
I'll wake up yn
Theo🤌🏼
Fine
Dray🐇
Courtyard
10:30
A fucking lake day? I was always up for them. They were so fun. But today, I just wanted to stay in bed and cry.
"Cmon! Get ready! You have five minutes!" Pansy screamed throwing a bathing suit at me.
I threw myself back on the bed.
"And what happen with Riddle! Spill!" She yelled, yanking me from my bed.
"Oh nothing. Just wanted to sleep over." I waved her off heading to the bathroom.
"Sleep over ?!" She said very sing-songy.
"Pans. We didn't do anything. We're taking it slow." I stuck my head out of the bathroom.
"Riddle? Taking it slow?" She made a funny face, "You guys have done it before!"
"We want to do it right." I yelled closing the bathroom door.
Of course I lied. His secret was one I would take to my grave.
I pulled out my phone.
Mattheo.
10:21 a.m
Me
You're going to the lake?
Mattheo.
Why?
Miss me already?
Me
Are you?
Mattheo.
Yes?
Me
How are you going to cover it?
Mattheo.
I know a temporary spell. I just have to watch the time.
Me
Okay
Just making sure
Mattheo.
I'll be fine
Me
I know
Mattheo.
See you in 10, pretty girl.
Stories.
Yn story
Mattheos story
Pansy story
Theo's story
Yn's insta post.
Liked by, d.malfoy, m.riddle, t.nott, Anthony_ and 198 others.
Ynnn- did someone say lake day? 🤍
T.nott- I'm drowning save me
D.malfoy- my sunglasses
Enzo.b- wow
Pansss
6:39 p.m
Pansss
You guys are so in love
It's painfully obvious
Me
What are you on about?
Pansss
I was looking through photos I took this afternoon
And look
Me
Omg
Did anyone else see
Pansss
No
The next picture is Draco drowning theo and Enzo laughing
You guys are painfully obvious
Me
We are not
Pansss
It's not a bad thing
It cute
I'm happy for you.
Me
There's nothing to be happy about yet
But thank you.
I looked up from my phone, at all of us around the bonfire. For a still moment, everything was perfect. But the harsh reality lived in the back of my mind.
I hurt for him.
Mattheo.
7:03 p.m
Me
You okay?
Mattheo.
Yes?
Me
Okay
Just making sure
Mattheo.
Don't turn into a nag.
Me
Ew
I was just checking.
Mattheo.
I'm fine.
If I'm not, you'll know first.
I held it together fine when you didn't know
Me
But now I do know
And I'm trying to make sure you're alright
You don't have to do this alone
I'm here
Mattheo.
Alright
Me
Give me more than that Matt.
Mattheo.
I don't know how too.