Hagen's P.O.V
"Yuh nuh wa fi do dis Hagen," Ruben taunts with a wicked smile. "Yuh wa yuh ankles break?"
"You're scared, and you're showing it, Ruben," I reply while I keep the basketball bouncing beside me. "You're talking too much."
Ruben huffs a laugh that sends a fresh bead of sweat trickling down the side of his face, but his eyes never leave mine, "Mi just warning yuh. Eff yuh try and get past mi, mi guh break yuh ankles."
"Alright," I reply before I faint to my left only to swerve right. With my speed, I get the second I need to rush towards the baseline.
Ruben curses behind me, and I'm laughing just as hard as our spectators slash friends, but I don't let it distract me. There was no point trying to make it to the hoop because Ruben wouldn't let me. So instead, I stop just short of the three-point line, aim and then let the ball fly.
It soars high, heading straight for the hoop and I know it's going to sink in, or it would, if the giant fucker I called a friend knew how to quit.
Ruben's in the air with his arm outstretched and his eyes locked in with venom in them. Somehow, his palm connects and he slams the ball down like he's swatting a fly.
"YEAHH!" He hollers when he lands and stumbles, almost falling flat on his ass, not that he cares. He's too busy grinning at me. "Yuh taught I did done? Nahhh!"
"Of course you reached it. You're built like a fucking coat hanger," I snipe while I pick up the basketball. "Your arms are practically telephone poles. I get better signal just standing next to you!"
"He's violating," Jasper announces with his hands cupped around his mouth.
"Jealousy, jealousy," Max sings from the sidelines.
"It's a fact," I shoot back, being sure to flip Max off for his unnecessary commentary.
"Sound like jealousy tuh mi," Ruben agrees, still grinning like an idiot.
"Whatever. Who's next?" I say, holding the ball up.
Jasper jumps to his feet in a flash and despite how stupid he looks with his favourite set of matching sweatbands on his wrists and head, I know he's the only hope we have at taking down Ruben. I toss him the ball with a look that says, 'use your speed', and he snickers as he runs onto the court.
While the pair start a new game, I grab my water bottle before I drop onto the bench beside Max. I almost empty it before I come up for air and try to catch my breath. It'd been a while since I'd played with the guys, and though I'd started to exercise more, my body was still playing catch up.
That's what happens when one goes on an entirely alcohol-based diet for a month — Zyair snipes because he just has to. Yes, I do! My figure was suffering thanks to you!
Our figure — I correct.
Mine! — Zyair insists — Since only I cared, this is mine!
"You good?" Max asks with a poke at my side. "Ego not too bruised?"
"It'll live," I reply as I lean back onto the bench with a sigh. "But maybe my ribs are a little fucked."
Max snickers a little as we watch ahead. Ruben was dribbling like a pro, but he couldn't manage to get past Jasper with his reaction time. Usually Jaspar and I didn't cheat when we were with our friends, but when it came to basketball, we needed the leg up to be even a little close to Ruben. So it wasn't cheating, it was more like... equity. Yeah.
"It was nice of you to do this," Max says, drawing my gaze to him. "Get us all together I mean. It's been too long."
"Yeah," I agree with a glance down at my bag where my journal was waiting.
Truth be told, I don't know how long it would've taken me to do this if not for the thing. When Nik had first propositioned the whole journal-planner thing, I hadn't had much faith. Dad had tried to get me into planners when I was younger, but they always ended up lost or forgotten and eventually, he'd given up.
It was pretty much the same this time around. I couldn't count the number of times I'd misplaced the thing in the first few days, but Nikola always made it reappear so that dealt with that.
That just left keeping it up with it all the time, and that had been the hard part at the start, especially with Nikola checking on me like a warden, but we'd stuck to it, and now it was practically my lifeline.
Every day when I woke up, I had a look over what I planned to do from the night before and I got on with it. Within the day, I made sure to do one of the habits I set myself for the month at some point, if only for the pleasure of blackening the circle waiting for when I completed a task— which was a surprisingly addictive feeling.
In my goals for this month, I'd set that I wanted to spend time with my friends, all of them, and to do something instead of just rotting at one of our places. Back when we were all in uni, we used to spend every Sunday on the campus courts. We'd play, talk shit, lounge around and then find some corner restaurant to eat our weight in.
It'd tapered off when Max and Jasper graduated and got proper jobs, but it'd really taken a dive in the last year. When I'd dropped in the group chat a few weeks back to check if they'd want to do it again, I thought it might be hard to organise, or maybe I'd get an earful for being all over the place recently, but it had been the opposite.
Everyone had been down, and more than that, they'd been eager to do it— so much so that Max rearranged his days at the restaurant to get today off. And even though we hadn't been here for that long, I was so glad I'd made the effort the moment I'd spotted Jasper in his signature get-up because just like that, it was like old times again.
"It's a big shift from you trying to empty every bar in town," Max whispers and when I glance at him again, I find him already staring at me while he sips from his metal straw.
"I knew this was coming," I groan with a glare.
"I waited," he defends, looking somewhat apologetic.
"Can't we just... not?" I ask with a gesture at the others.
"Of course, but," Max's gaze turns imploring, "I'm the only one who knows right? You can talk to me, and I promise this time I won't be any sort of judgmental."
I scoff because even when Max wasn't being judgmental, he was being judgmental. But I knew what he meant, and he was right— he was the only person I could really talk to about everything.
My go-to used to be Josey but it wasn't so easy anymore when she so blatantly disapproved of not just Nikola, but my actions too. Ruben was my closest friend, but I would have to find a way to say the whole 'I'm dating a guy' thing first before I asked for advice, so that left Max.
During the month Nikola had disappeared, while I drank my way to the bottom of every bottle, Max had tried to talk to me several times, but I had shut him down at every turn. It was bad enough that I couldn't stop thinking about Nikola, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about him.
But I could manage it now, and Max was here and willing and wasn't talking about the stuff plaguing you good for the soul or something?
I sigh and nod a little before I stand to my feet, "We're going to get some ice cream! Want anything?"
Jasper and Ruben stop their battle to shout, "Popsicles," in unison.
"Alright, let's go," I say to Max who's already scrambling to his feet and sliding his slippers on. We head down the familiar walkway to the corner shop by Ruben's place, and I wait until we're far enough from Jasper's earshot before I let Max speak.
"Last time I saw you, you were on a bit of a rampage. We're all out, having a good time, then Ruben's telling me that Nikola showed up, took you home, and now, you're not looking so angry as back then." Max starts gently, or as gently as he can manage. "So, you guys made up after... whatever happened?"
"Yeah," I mumble while I rub at my brow bone. "Kind of. As for what happened, he kind of dropped something on me and told me we could end things if it was too much. It was too much, but I can't... I don't know how to just cut him out my life, so now we're kind of living with it."
"Okay," Max replies slowly, and by the way his face completely crumples, I know he doesn't understand. "So, you were pissed before 'cause of what he told you?"
"That and the fact that I'm still with him," I reply with a dry laugh as I kick a loose pebble. "I should be gone but I'm not, so I'm annoyed with myself. And I'm still pissed at him, but it comes and goes now."
"Okay," Max says again, this time even slower.
"I know it makes no sense," especially cause he was missing half the details.
"That's relationships for you," he shoots back with a wink. "So basically, you guys are like, together but still fighting?"
"I guess," I reply, but that doesn't feel right. "We don't fight, really. It's more like arguing, and it's mostly me trying to get him to fuck off, but he doesn't. He keeps showing up and I don't want him there, but I do. I try to get him to leave, but he kind of ignores me and then I give up, and we're us for a little bit and it's easy and things don't feel so bad, but it's temporary... it all feels temporary."
It was temporary, but in the moments we shared, when Nikola made me forget about all the shit waiting under the surface, I just wanted to be with him. No, that was an understatement. I wanted my spirit to crawl into his body so that every inch of me was coveted by every inch of him. I wanted him to look at me like he did when he saw that I did all my tasks for the day, and I wanted that fire that came over him when he saw the marks he had left on my body.
I wanted it, and that wasn't the bond or anything. I wanted Nikola. But having Nikola meant accepting all of him, and I wasn't there yet.
"Ah, I get it," Max announces as we pull up to the familiar corner shop. He opens the door and the bell atop chimes just as he says, "You guys sound like you need to fuck it out."
I choke a little as I follow him inside, "Fuck it out?"
"Angry sex," Max states while he heads for the freezer in the back. "It does wonders for the soul and for a rocky relationship."
"Doesn't sound like it," I reply, but when I thought back to the last time Nik and I had kind of lost it, it hadn't been anything gentle or loving. "And we haven't—"
I don't get a chance to finish as Max spins in the middle of the aisle. His eyes are the size of two moons as he backs up a few steps. "You guys haven't what? Fucked?"
"Max," I groan with a glance around, not that anyone was here or interested.
"Answer the question, Hagen."
"No, we haven't, not how you're thinking," I reply, pushing past him to get to the freezers. "We've like, done shit— handjobs really— and Nikola's given me a blowjob before—"
"You are such a pillow princess, aren't you?" Max declares, suddenly appearing at my side to glare at me through narrowed eyes. "I thought I raised you better."
I shove him away, "You didn't raise shit, and I'm adjusting," I defend but Max's glare doesn't quell any. "I've been doing more recently! He wants more."
I'm sure my face turns as red as a tomato and if it doesn't, it sure as shit does when Max's lips spread to reveal a toothy smile.
"I bet he does," he replies with a chuckle. "But seriously, I thought you guys fucked already."
"I rather not go all the way until we're good," I reply, the words as foreign on my tongue as they are in my mind. Until now, I hadn't dared even think that far ahead, but apparently, it wasn't off the table, it just came with stipulations. "And can we not talk about my sex life?"
"Fine," Max obliges with a sigh as he digs through the freezer, getting two strawberry popsicles for the others and then a vanilla bar for himself. "So, when will you guys be good again?"
"I don't know," I reply, frowning while I stuff my own arms. "Sometimes, I don't want us to be good. If we're good, that means I have to forgive him for everything." I sigh, "But I will one day. I know I will, whether he deserves it or not."
"Shit," Max breathes as he props himself against the fridge next to us. "Then, in that case, what do you want to happen before you guys are good?"
With my hand on a mini-tub of cookies and cream, I pause to think. What did I want to happen? Well, there was one big gaping hole that had been sitting in wait before Nikola and I even started dating.
"We've got to deal with our shit," I say, hating myself for saying the very thing Josey had been saying from the very start. "We've never really spoken about everything that happened between us when we were younger."
"Whatcha waiting on?"
"I didn't want to fuck us up at the beginning," I explain. "Rock the already swaying boat, ya know? Then I was waiting for the right time and now...."
"Now, there's no right time and the boat is upside down, so," Max circles his hands, "what are you waiting on?"
"....Nothing I guess."
"Well then, there you go," he replies as he slams the freezer shut.
"I wasn't done," I protest.
Max looks pointedly down at my armful of ice creams and lollies, and then he looks back at me. He says nothing as he turns and heads for the cashier, and belatedly, I follow behind him. With two bags full of cold treats, we head out of the shop and make our way back to the courts.
"Can I ask you something?" Max says halfway through the trip.
"Depends," I reply, eyeing him suspiciously but he just rolls his eyes.
"Besides the fact that he's ridiculously hot and you guys have history, why do you want to be with Nikola?" Max asks, slowing our steps to look at me. "I know feelings don't make it that simple, but like—" he searches for the words, "why him?"
The mate bond. That was the usual answer— the easy answer, but Max was human so that wasn't an option.
"Why I'm with him," I start thoughtfully. "I—"
"Nope," he cuts in, shaking his head dramatically. "Why do you want to be with him?"
"Oh," I whisper, feeling a little lost. "Well... I...," my brain blanks as it tries to face this question, this question that I was pretty sure I was being asked for the first time.
"Don't overthink it," Max encourages.
"Hard to overthink when you can't think at all," I try, but he doesn't fall for it. "Okay, well... ugh, why Nikola...."
Goddess, there were so many ways to answer that but they all came to me in memories. Of flashes of him with showing me the new spells he'd conquered when we were kids, of spending entire summers together, of the way he freaked out over the birthday gifts I got him, of the hugs he'd give me when I was sad. And intermixed between those were memories of our first date, of him making me breakfast at my place, him reading a book and me watching a show while we shared my couch.
"Well," I start again as I blink past the memories, "There was a time when Nikola was my favourite person in the world and I guess... I guess I want that back."
I stare at Max, but it's almost as if I'm looking through him with the way my brain goes all haywire.
"Alright," Max says, continuing on his path as if he hadn't just set off what felt like a bomb.
I follow after him, but I feel strangely dazed for the rest of the walk. I'm focused on putting one foot in front of the other, but my mind is thinking of what I'd just said.
I wanted my relationship with Nikola back, and not just the one we'd developed over the last few months. I hadn't been talking about that. I'd meant the one we'd shared years ago, when he was my favourite person and I was his.
I think I wanted that back most.
————————————
The rain beats down brutally on the city and me by extension as I run to shorten my final stretch home.
I didn't live too far from Ruben, so I'd told him I'd get the bus back instead of him dropping me home after we'd all finished stuffing our faces at his favourite burger joint, but when I'd made that sacrificial decision, I didn't know a hurricane was inbound. Now, here I was, running home like a wet dog.
With my bag overhead and my hair in my eyes, I try not to end up face-first in a puddle while simultaneously praying that my journal would be fine. Nikola wouldn't be angry if it was messed up, but I would be.
I run a little faster and when I spot the streetlight opposite my building, I almost sob with relief. Racing up the stairs, I bring my bag down in search of my keys. I dig through the jumbled mess, trying not to drop the whole thing in my haste, and that's when I hear it.
Head jerking, I glance up and look around hastily for the soft, mewling sound to come again. Except when I look around, there's nothing but the sloshing roads and encroaching night sky. I turn back to my door as my fingers brush my keys, and then—
Meow
It's so soft, you'd miss it without my ears, but I heard and I know it's not imagined this time. Ears perked for the mewing creature, I scan the staircase as I descend it, leaving my bag at the door. I hear a soft heartbeat, and my neck cranes in response as I circle the stairs and spot the source.
Curled within the tiny gap beneath my apartment's staircase, is a little bundle of fur all on its own. It's the size of a crumbled sock and completely camouflaged within the steps' shadow, that is, until it peers up, settling beady, helpless eyes onto me.
My heart surges and cracks open as it stares at me. Goddess, it looks so afraid, so lost, and I think it is, 'cause when I glance around there's absolutely no sign of a mom or owner. It cries again, and it's the tug my heart needs to get me into action.
"Hey there," I whisper as I reach forward and scoop the little guy up carefully, "let's get you somewhere safe."
The kitten shifts anxiously against me, but it's shivering too much to put up much of a fight, so I tuck it against my chest before I race back up the stairs. I shoulder my way into my place and slide my bag onto the ground before I switch on all my lights.
For the first time, I get a proper look at the little guy. Its fur is soaked and matted by dirt, there was this white thing in the corners of its eyes, and even though I didn't know a damn thing about cats, I knew he wasn't supposed to be this damn small.
"Okay, first things first," I say as I head for my bathroom. "Let's get you cleaned up."
With one hand, I fish out a clean washcloth, wetting it a little before I start wiping the little guy down. He squirms— and he is definitely a 'he'— crying the whole time and effectively trying to kill me with each sound.
"I know, but you're all dirty," I tell him while I try to be gentle about it. "And I have to clean you up before I try to get you warmed up."
The cat keeps crying, and my heart keeps breaking, but eventually, I manage to clean him up enough for me to notice that its fur isn't black but grey. It's a nice grey too, not ashen but smokey, and it matches his pale green eyes just right.
"Who would leave you behind?" I whisper as I clean his eyes. "Who would dare?"
As I hold him up, still wet but cleaner now and not so soaked, he mewls at me in answer.
"Milk," I declare. "Cats drink milk."
Except when we get to the kitchen and I open my fridge, I remember that I had no milk since I finished it this morning on my cereal.
"Water," I state. "All animals drink water."
Filling my smallest bowl, I make a makeshift feeding area for the wee guy, setting shoes down around it, before I set him down. He immediately starts lapping up the water and I risk parting from him for a second to get my blanket.
I yank hard until a small length of fabric tears free, one just small enough to bundle him in, and when he finishes drinking, I'm right there at his side. The little guy meows and when he spots me, comes bounding over as fast as his little legs can carry him, and dear Goddess, my heart is doing crazy things cause he's kind of cute.
I was a dog person, through and through. Cats were cool, but they were usually dickheads and I needed way too much love from an animal to stay around them for long. But here this little guy was, pawing at me as if he loved me already and I couldn't take it.
I bundle him in my makeshift blanket and he lets me, settling as I keep him close by in my palms.
I don't know how long I stay like that, just petting him and watching him, seated on the floor, but it must be a while, because soon Nikola appears and I'm still here.
Nik's blank eyes shift from me and down to the kitten in my lap before a deep frown overcomes him.
"I found him outside," I explain quickly, though I don't know why, but when Nik stays quiet, I keep talking. "It was raining so hard, and he was out there on his own."
Nikola glances at the cat again before he lifts his back onto me, "So you saved it," I nod, and he purses his lips a little, "and didn't think about yourself for even a second."
"What?" I ask, confused until he comes over and pokes the wet hood of my soaked hoodie until water pools to the surface. "Oh."
I'd forgotten all about the fact that I'd been soaked through too. I'd forgotten all about everything the moment I'd found the little squirt, but with the fresh reminder, a shiver rattles through me as my body computes the icy wetness glued to my neck and the rest of my skin.
"You need to strip out of these clothes and to take a warm shower," Nikola declares, and I know he's not wrong, but that would require parting from the little guy and my gut twisted to even consider it.
"I can't leave him," I say, gesturing to my now sleeping friend. "What if he wakes up and thinks I abandoned him too?"
Nikola stares at me in a silent deadpan but I was being completely serious. When he realises as much, he glares down at the kitten as if its to blame before he forces himself to take a deep breath.
"I'll keep it alive while you change," he promises tightly, and I know he means it but I can't find it in me to budge. Nikola stiffens, not from anger but what feels like distress in our bond, "I don't want you sick, pup."
My heart surges again, except for a completely different reason this time, and even though I want to argue, I struggle to formulate words.
"Only if you promise not to take your eyes off him for even a second," I state firmly. "I mean it, Nik."
"I will give the kitten my undivided attention," Nikola vows plainly and by the look in his eye, I know he's not looking forward to it, but he means it.
"Alright," I say as I carefully hand him over. "I'll be quick."
Nikola hums in response, but the moment the kitten settles in his palm, he's zoned in. True to his word, his attention remains fixed on the little guy while I scramble off to take the world's fastest shower. I'm back out in less than five minutes, with still wet hair and Nikola seems pissed, maybe about that or the fast shower, but we'd never agreed on those terms, so tough shit.
I take my kitten back from him and settle on the ground again, checking him all over to make sure he fine. He's still sleeping and breathing softly, though he does open his droopy eyes just a little before he dozes off again.
"I gave him water," I tell Nik while he settles in behind me. He pulls me back against him until his legs bracket my own, but I barely register it. "I had no milk."
"Kittens aren't supposed to drink cow's milk," he states as a towel suddenly comes down on my head. "Most cats actually grow to be lactose intolerant."
I swivel so fast the towel goes flying off my head, but Nikola's magic catches it before it can hit the floor. He settles an unimpressed glare my way, but how could I possibly give a fuck about that with the new knowledge thrown at me, "They're not?"
"Well, it's milk from a cow," he muses while his magic delivers the towel back into his open palm. "Kittens are not cows, Hagen."
"Fuck," Nikola starts drying my hair while horror overcomes me as I start second-guessing everything else I'd done. "I cleaned it with a wet cloth and this is a piece of my blanket. I thought it would keep it warm. Was that right? Is that okay?"
"Those were good decisions," Nikola replies calmly, and his lack of panic helps quiet mine a little. "Perhaps not the part about tearing your blanket, but it works."
"What else does it need?" I ask as I tilt my head back to look at him. Nik's eye twitches a little.
"Rest, I suppose, food when it wakes," he replies with a sigh, though his gaze is fixed only on my hair in his mission to dry it. "But those are concerns we can address when it does so. Until then, how are you feeling? Your skin is still cold."
"I'm fine," I brush off, more concerned with the literal life in my hands. "What type of food do I give it when it wakes up? I can go buy some."
"Hagen, I will help you care for this creature in every way I know, but first, I want to care for you," Nikola states firmly and by the look in his eyes, I know he's barely holding himself back. "How are you feeling?"
I gnaw on my lip, considering lying but I wouldn't get very far in that, "A little cold, but—"
Nikola's arms come around me in a flash as he pulls me against his chest, wrapping me in his warmth until I'm shivering and our bond becomes this warm gooey thing that heats me from the inside out.
"I can use magic," he offers while he rubs his nose against my collarbone.
"This is fine," I mumble. Magic would be too fast, this— just him, was much better.
"Is your nose congested?"
I shake my head and goosebumps race along my skin when his hair tickles against my nape.
"No headache?" He checks and I shake my head again, leaning back until he's sort of nuzzling me by default.
Thankfully, Nikola's too focused on my health to notice, "It is only the coldness?"
"Yeah," I mumble, and only when my eyes start feeling heavy do I recognise what position we're in and wonder how the fuck we'd even gotten here. I clear my throat and force myself to sit up a little, "I'm fine. I'm worried about this guy."
"Yes, I've worked out as much," he replies smartly and I'm about to tell him to fuck off, but he continues, "It should be fine. We'll get a milk replacement and perhaps, a litter box, that is if you intend to keep it."
"Keep it?" I repeat with a dry laugh. I hadn't even thought about that. I'd just been concerned with getting it warm and keeping it alive.
"You do not want it?" Nikola asks as if this kitten was just mine to claim. I wanted to say it wasn't, but there'd be no sign of other kittens or cats, no collar and it was so tiny.
"I don't think I'm responsible enough to take care of a cat," I admit, suddenly wanting to put the thing down in case I fucked up.
"I think you are," Nikola replies against my ear while his hands rub up and down my arms. "Besides, cats mostly take care of themselves. Once you pass a certain stage, it's just feeding, cleaning after it and rare baths."
"Yeah, but," I falter, failing to find a proper argument to what Nikola was acting was common sense. "Seriously?"
"Not if you do not want it," he states firmly. "In that case, I can take it away."
"No," I protest before he can even finish. "I-I would want him, if there's nowhere else he could go. I'd figure it out."
Nikola holds me a little tighter, "You would."
He says it so confidently as if there wasn't a doubt in his mind that it wouldn't be just so. And if Nikola was confident in me, then how could I doubt him, if not myself?
"I'll look around first to see if he does belong to someone. I'm not catnapping someone else's cat."
"That's sounds like a good idea," Nikola replies and I relax against him a little. "Am I right in assuming there will be no way in which I can convince you to part from this kitten for the rest of the night?"
"Yeah, that's pretty spot on." Nikola sighs dramatically and I can't help but smile a little at the response, "You don't have to stay, ya know?" Teeth nip my ear, making me jerk slightly as heat invades my skin the same way it invades our bond. "What was that for?"
"The attitude," Nikola replies so gruffly it makes my skin pull tight.
"There was no attitude," I reply, turning enough to meet his gaze. We're a breath away from each other, and he's so close I feel like I'm on fire. "I'm just speaking facts."
Nikola hums noncommittally while his gaze remains glued to mine.
"I thought you liked facts," I taunt, and my smile widens when his gaze flares. "Are you a liar?"
"Infuriating," is all Nikola whispers before he seals our lips together.
My eyes fall shut as I lean into him, sinking into the kiss before my mind can remind me to do otherwise. His lips pass over mine and just like that, we're good again. I can feel it, the way our bond settles and becomes as gooey as my heart feels right now.
When we part, I rest my head against his, breathing him in, "I was planning to talk to you tonight."
"About what?" Nikola asks while he traces his knuckles against my neck.
"Some of what went down when we were younger," I blurt and his hand freezes. I open my eyes to meet his, and though he's not pulling away, he looks a little guarded. "I didn't really have a place to start, but I thought we should start somewhere."
Nikola stares at me, his grey eyes giving absolutely nothing away, but I knew him now. I could feel the quiet stir of restlessness beneath his skin as if it were my own. I lean in, kissing him gently until it settles again and when we part, his breathing is back to normal.
"You're speaking in past tense," he highlights, frowning a little. "Does that mean you no longer wish to talk about such things?"
"It means, I got distracted by an abandoned kitten," I reply as I tuck my face under his neck and lean myself back to rest against his chest. "I still want to talk."
"Okay," Nikola replies, but he doesn't say anything else.
Well, I can't blame him. I'd sprung this on him and Nikola was a notorious advocate for planning and preparation. Besides, I was the one who brought this up so I guess I was the one who'd have to go first.
"Do you remember the first time I liked a girl and you made her and everyone else forget I really liked her? Well, that really sucked."
It more than sucked but you had to start somewhere, right?
Nikola stays quiet and I want to turn to look at him, but that might make this even harder so I force myself to stay still.
"It wasn't even the fact that you made her forget, though that was bad, it was that you made everyone else forget," I continue, staring blankly ahead while my lips keep moving. "It made me seem crazy and I became the school freak after that. Everyone thought I was fucking crazy and then I was left all confused with feelings that had nowhere to go."
I feel familiar anger and sadness rise inside of me, threatening to come sloshing out like spewing lava but the whole point of this was to talk about this shit, not yell at him for the past.
And that was a tremendous start! — Zyair praises with a mock cheer — I am very proud of you, Hagen!
Thanks, Zyair — I reply, sending love his way — but he's not saying anything. Did I say too much?
He's processing — Zyair replies fast enough — and it's your feelings, you can't ever say too much.
I hope he's right. I really hope he is because as the minutes pass and Nikola remains quiet, I think maybe I should've left this alone, at least until the morning. Which was so confusing when half of me wanted to turn around and ask if he really had nothing to say to that. But before my anger can overwhelm my patience, Nikola speaks.
"I remember," he says and he sounds normal, too normal. "That was the first year we were at odds. I went from seeing you every day after school and spending entire days with you during vacation, to you hating me and wanting nothing to do with me. I was six, confused, and when you pulled away, it left me with very big feelings that I did not know where to place."
He takes in a deep breath and so do I, my body moving in tandem with his. Guilt pokes holes in my heart where it never had before, the punctures coming from the pure sadness in Nikola's voice. I'd never allowed myself to think about how our parting had affected him, not when it had felt so necessary to me, but for the first time, I could hear how it wrecked him.
"When I recognised your infatuation with Radha, all I saw was that someone else was receiving all the attention and kindness I used to," he continues, his voice growing quieter and stiffer. "I wanted it back. I wanted you back, but I couldn't have you so I thought that it wasn't fair that anyone else could. It was only a thought though, spurred on by those feelings and magic brought it to life."
I turn then, needing to look at him, to know if he was telling the truth. Nikola watches me quietly, his expression carefully masked but in his eyes, I see the vulnerable storm cresting there.
"I did not mean to do it, not really," he reveals, as he looks at the space between my eyes instead of at me. "You could argue that I wished it, so I must've wanted it, but I've heard that sometimes people wish others dead, though they rarely mean it. I did want Radha away from you, but I didn't mean for it to come about as it did."
"You didn't do it on purpose?" I ask and my voice wavers a bit but we both ignore it.
Nikola shakes his head, "I just remember wanting to see you so desperately and once I did, you were looking at her in ways you looked at me, and I simply wanted." His gaze finds mine again and he frowns a little, "I would have never embarrassed you like that by choice. Never."
"You didn't undo it," I point out and Nikola looks away, looking slightly ashamed.
"You didn't ask and though it wasn't my intention, I didn't want Radha to remember you." His frown deepens to something far darker, "It was horrible that you liked her, worse that she liked you too."
I sigh as I stare at Nikola, torn on where to go from here. This hadn't been what I'd been expecting to hear, but I was glad I'd heard them because it changed things. It didn't make things better, not really, but it changed them.
"Does this make you angrier with me?" He asks, and fuck if my heart doesn't tear a little by how small he sounds now.
"No," I admit as I tilt his chin up a little. "It helps to know you didn't plan to make me the school pariah to teach me some lesson."
Nikola glances up quickly, his eyes unusually wide, "No. I didn't want that."
I nod as I glance back down at the still-sleeping kitten in my lap, "It helps to know that. Does it still suck? Yeah, but," I shrug, "I'm glad I know now and I'm glad we've spoken about it."
"I am free to stay?" He checks, sounding a little lost which shouldn't be adorable, but I didn't make the rules.
"I never invited you here, remember?" I prod as I glance up at him from under my lashes.
Nikola's wariness disappears in an instant as a smile pulls at his lips, "You are a torment onto the mind and soul."
My lips part, but my response is slowed by the look on Nikola's face. He's not smirking, he's smiling, widely, and it's like if the moon was being cast down only upon him with how brightly he shines. My toes curl beneath me, and I have to swallow to manage a breath past the glow of him.
"Good," I mumble eventually, and Nikola's smile somehow brightens even more as he pulls me closer. "I want us to have more of these talks. I want to work through... everything."
He nods, "I can do that."
"Okay," I breathe, relaxing finally against him again. "I'm still cold."
Nikola's arms come around me so quickly I almost fall, but he steadies me, keeping me plastered to him and completely enveloped by his scent and warmth.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Nikola scolds, sounding truly angry now. His magic surfaces, travelling under my skin like the rest of him and I sink into its presence. "Is this better? Where precisely are you cold? Hagen, why are your eyes closing? Is this fainting— are you fainting?"
"I'm just resting my eyes," I promise, biting back my smile. "I feel better like this. Keep warming me."
Nikola obliges and I'm almost tearing my cheek with the effort it takes not to laugh. I wasn't cold, not even a little, but Nik didn't need to know that. He just needed to keep holding me.
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Progress??? I think so. So what could possibly go wrong 🙃
Thoughts?????
Thoughts on Hagen's convo with Max?? The kitten appearance??? Their first real conversation about their past???
I like that they had the conversation and that Hagen said something cause he's been harping on about it for a while. I also love that Nikola didn't just say sorry and beg for forgiveness. He didn't even say sorry loool, he just gave his side and I respect that.
Max saying they need to fuck it out is so accurate but also like terrible friend advice 🤣
Also just a mini-PSA: I know this book is long and it feels like we're stuck, but Hagen and Nikola are stuck so I feel like the feeling is pretty accurate. And tbh I'm just enjoying the ride. I used to just write books and see where shit went, and Control feels like that again for me, so sorry if some of you guys are bored along the way, I'm really enjoying writing the story and these books are primarily for me at the end of the day.
Anyway, next up is AM update on Patreon and an extra before I circle back to Control for another update!
Make sure to vote and comment before you goooooo
Until next time,
Byeeeeeeee Humansssssssss