Shan had managed to avoid just about everyone until morning so that she could allow herself time to simmer in the peace and quiet. No one wanted a passed off Shan on their hands.
The cafe they were meeting at wasn't far, and so she had opted to, half an hour earlier than they were to meet, take herself to the cafe and drown her frustration with a good breakfast.
She didn't care she was sitting at a booth on her own eating a meal by herself, looking lonelier than she probably ever had.
Because by the time the others started filling in one by one, most of her internal rage had been soaked up by buttered toast and really good eggs. Not to mention the place was far cleaner than most in this side of the city, and there weren't dirty ring marks from peoples drinks on the wood tables - so basically, she was sold.
All of the girls ended up sitting on one side with poor Wylan squeezed in between Shan and Nina, who while sitting were both taller than him. Inej had gotten the luxury of sitting by the window. Opposite sat Jesper in the corner and Kaz, with a notable amount of space between them but with him at a slight angle in order to keep the rest of the cafe in view.
Or maybe it was to hide the faint bluish tint across the bridge of his nose, carving its way beneath his eyes. Shan found herself staring at him for quite a long time, wondering if at any point he would meet her eye, but he didn't.
At the sight of Shans empty plate with nothing but crumbs left, Nina peered over Wylans russet curls to catch her eye.
"Are they still serving breakfast here?"
Kaz gave the woman a dry look, but when Shan nodded with a hum before sipping her water, he turned it on her.
"Toast was a bit burnt but other than that it was surprisingly good."
"Do they have anything sweet?"
"I think they do waffles," she rested her chin on her hand.
Nina's eyes lit up with glee, much to the amusement of everyone around them.
Shan twitched a smile back.
"Although this conversation is equally as important," Inej mused while exchanging an uneasy look with the boy opposite her. "Jes has a question to ask Kaz."
He cleared his throat and shot her a glare for putting him on the spot.
"Look, a lot has happened since last night," he began.
A few people glanced between the white haired girl and Kaz, the latter of which had avoided meeting her gaze for the last ten minutes. The former had a calm neutral expression fixed on her face, chin resting on her palm as though she had no idea what they were alluding to.
"We found out we lost our home-"
"-and our jobs-"
"-yes, and that," Jesper nodded, almost afraid if he didn't agree with her she might threaten violence on him next. His eyes flickered to Kaz. "And then you, blew it up just to piss off Pekka Rollins."
The boy arched an eyebrow. "And?"
Shan's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Have you heard we also shot a stadtwatch with his own gun?"
"All stadtwatch carry the same gun. It's standard issue." Kaz responded quickly, glancing between them all. "This is Pekka Rollins firing back at us."
Nina shifted in her seat. "Who is this Pekka Rollins?" She asked, directing it right at Kaz. "Whenever you say his name your blood pressure skyrockets."
The look on his face turned as he shot her a dark look. "That's not part of your purview, heartrender." He snapped.
Tension flickered between the group in the pause of the moment.
Shan, who hadn't taken her eyes off of Kaz for a second, eyed him for a moment, the rigidness of his body not a surprise to her. But the sudden bite in his tone itching at something in her brain.
Her eyes flickered down to where his gloved hands tightened around the top of his cane.
Without realising at first, the conversation around them began to fade out. When she blinked slowly, turning to look out the window, her eyes focussed on two little crows landing on the cobbles outside.
She blinked twice before farrowing her eyebrows, realising one was a tad smaller than the other but both young. The taller one extended its wing over the little one, tucking it into its side protectively.
A strange feeling overtook her as she watched them, their sense of unity, until a great big shadow overtook the image, forming into the shape of a man encroaching on them.
The two little crows shied back, feathers flaring.
As the shadow transformed into something animalistic, a wild cat pounced from the shadows after the birds.
Shan flinched as she watched its claws catch the wing of the taller one, pinning it to the floor as the other scrambled frantically to fly away.
Her knee hit the underside of the table with a thunk and the sudden silence around her made her ears ring enough to snap out of her trance.
She blinked and found their conversation had halted at the disruption.
Shan cleared her throat, shrinking back in the booth. "Sorry."
"You alright?" Jesper asked warily.
She nodded with a hum, plastering on a fake smile. She quickly picked up her glass of water to take a long sip, mentally begging for someone to pick up the conversation again.
When they did, the eyes left her one by one, but one set remained on her piercing into the left side of her skull. The feeling itched at her skin but her attention returned to the false vision beyond the window pane, shakily lowering her glass to the tabletop.
Her heart jumped at the sight of claws pinning the frantically twitching crow to the floor, fighting to break free of the cats claws.
She clenched fistfuls of her skirt beneath the table, her heart aching with the urge to do something but knowing she couldn't.
Her mouth felt like sandpaper as she watched the bird slowly stop moving until it lay horribly still.
As some businessmen walked past, it washed the image away like water rippling under rain, and Shan tore her gaze away as quickly as she could.
Her eyes stung, her breathing uneven as she replayed the vision over and over.
The eyes were still on her.
Shan glanced to her left to find Nina watching her out of the corner of her eye. Immediately her eyes flickered around to find the others still intent on the discussion, and she felt her head begin to hurt as she realised she had no idea what they were talking about, but she probably should have if it was important.
At some point someone had demanded Kaz to tell them his plan, which was a nice change of her having to do it and getting a half explanation tossed in with a few riddles and a good luck from the saints.
Something about Rollins accountant residing in the building opposite the cafe, although Shan pointedly avoided looking, and needing to find out which office was his to find anything they could to get dirt on the man.
When the scent of freshly cooked waffles hit her nose, Shan smiled a tiny bit as Nina sat back down with her plate looking nonchalant.
When she pointed out, rather nonchalantly, exactly which office the man worked in on a day to day, they all turned to stare at her.
Kaz, much to Shan's amusement, had never looked so bewildered and she delighted in it.
And as the heartrender explained her extremely simple resolution to finding out that information, she finished with a fake smile and a dull 'ta-da' before biting into one of her waffles.
Smiles slowly spread across all of their faces except for Kaz's as he regarded the woman trying to hide he was subtly impressed.
"I like having her around." Jesper pointed with a grin.
Shan's eyes lit up as she stared unabashed at the woman, impressed, and even more so given the fact she had outsmarted Kaz Brekker.
She also quite liked the dumbfounded look on his usually smug face.
"I think I'm in love," she sighed, staring at the woman with a smirk and her chin in her palm.
Nina, still enjoying her waffles, sent her a playful wink.
Afterwards as they all went over the plan, Shan found out that she apparently was meant to stay outside until she could sneak in with Nina for backup. Kaz was to do what he did best, pick locks and find information, while Inej would keep watch from the roof and Jesper and Wylan would follow the mans drivers.
She felt like a child getting distracted in class and made sure she paid attention the second time around.
As they all went to leave to prepare, all that ran through her mind was the disturbing vision that had struck her to the core, like claws digging into her head. She tried her best to ignore it but it was persistent, and as they exited the cafe, she found herself stopping when she realised someone had called her name.
A warm hand slid into place on her arm as Nina walked in place beside her, flashing her a little smile. They slowed their pace compared to the others discussing things up ahead, lowering their voices.
"Sorry," she apologised sheepishly, tucking her white hair behind her ears. Her cheeks reddened.
"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to check you were alright." Her voice was quiet but sincere.
Shan plastered a smile on her face. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" But then almost grimaced as she realised the obvious response. She did well to keep it internal.
"Well, you nearly broke Brekkers jaw last night, and now you two are acting as though it never happened." She observed.
"The boy's had worse," she shrugged lightly, voice dry. She wondered if he could feel her icy eyes on his back as he walked ahead of them. "He'll live."
Nina snickered, making the other girl smirk back at her.
As they walked together, arms linked, it was with comfortable chatter that they continued. Menial things. Things Shan hadn't had the luxury of discussing ib quite a while, given their lifestyle.
Nina spoke of where she grew up, of Ravka and the local foods she always enjoyed and how she missed it here. Shan understood it well. She explained her upbringing in the North of Fjerda, practically secluded from any of the cities and how when she'd first arrived in Ketterdam that the hustle and bustle and the sheer amount of people around had overwhelmed her. But one fond memory she did have was when her father would cook stewed reindeer, and if the weather conditions permitted, they could get the ingredients from the Hedjut markets to make their own bread.
Then, as they settled into a sense of calm and quiet silence, after a few minutes she could feel Nina glancing at her every so often as though wanting to say something but reluctant to do so.
"Back there in the cafe," she finally broke the silence, glancing down at the cobbles. Her eyebrows furrowed a little. "You were looking at something out the window with this look on your face..."
Shan swallowed back her emotions, suddenly uneasy. She remained quiet.
Nina looked at her gently. "I've never heard someone's heart so still."
Her eyebrows furrowed slightly. "How do you mean?"
She shook her head a little. "It was like... your mind was completely separate from your body."
Shan, not knowing what to do with this unsettling information, remained quiet. She just hummed with interest, distracted once more thinking about it.
"What were you thinking about?" She titled her head a little, curiosity lining her kind eyes.
"Just... birds." She automatically replied.
"Birds." She repeated back, dumbfounded.
The woman nodded with a hum but refused to look at her. "They're very interesting creatures, you know."
The two didn't even realise someone had heard them until Jesper scowled his steps to join their side, grinning.
"You know, Shans practically got the crows trained to pickpocket."
Nina's eyes danced in amusement. "Oh really?" She glanced between the two.
Shan nearly rolled her eyes. "I haven't trained them to do anything."
Jesper scoffed and she continued.
"They're intelligent creatures that like to scavenge, and shiny things are about the only thing that catches their eye this far down in the Barrel." She thought to herself after a moment of pause, and added dryly as an afterthought, "A bit like Kaz."
Nina and Jesper shared secretive grins at the way Shan was staring icily ahead at said boy, as though wishing her gaze could pierce him like knives.
●•---------•●
Before the plan could be initiated and as the sky grew thick with black clouds and darkened the city, Shan had felt this inkling feeling inside her chest as time ticked on.
Ontop of a roof of one of the buildings, Shan had followed the shadow of the Wraith relying on her instincts alone, knowing Kaz would be there on the rooftop.
As Inej spoke with him, her silks drawn up as a hood over her oil black hair, she knew just by the way she held herself that she was upset. But while Shan had the confidence and dare to hit Kaz Brekker, Inej would not. Jesper was upset, Wylan and Nina were frustrated, and Kaz was being Kaz and it was becoming a problem for them all.
Shan remained behind the brick structure over the stairs, peering around the stone to watch their backs, Inej's delicate voice drifting towards her with the wind. She knew the Wriath knew where she was, and hadn't cared that she had followed. If worse came to worse, she would let the woman hit him again if he didn't listen to her.
"Get the heartrender ready, we'll meet in ten." Kaz had stated roughly, still looking out at the dull city.
"No."
The boy had turned slightly to look at her as she stood beside him, fists clenched at her sides.
Shans heart roared at the courage of the girl.
She closed her eyes and listened to them argue, turning away so her back was against the cold brick. Her leg was still giving her trouble, but at the best was healing, even if it was slow.
In the peaceful quiet of the night, their voices travelled her way, fading out as the wind blew her long white hair over her shoulder.
Something about the nights job was itching at her nerves and for what reason, she could not say. Perhaps it was the irritation at Kaz's stubborn secrecy that threatened to put them in harms way, perhaps it wasn't. But either way, it had to be addressed, and Inej was doing a wonderful job at saying all the things she wished she could say. But everytime he shut her down, her fingers twisted at her rings more feverishly, her eyebrows drawing in as anger bubbled inside her chest.
When Inej left him, frustration coming off of her in waves, she brushed past Shan and gave her a knowing look and a weak attempt at a smile.
Secretly the Suli girl prayed that she would have better luck at cracking at his harsh exterior. She had done it countless times before when all of them thought it impossible, so if anyone could, it had to be Shan. It had to, or they were all doomed.
As Inej disappeared over the lip of the roof, Shan stepped out onto the centre of the roof and slowly approached the boy standing there with a hesitant look in his eyes.
When he caught sight of her, it smoothed over, but not quick enough for her to not have noticed.
"Have you come to hit me again," his rough voice sent shivers down her spine as she stood at his side. "Or are you here for something else?"
Shan bit her tongue for a moment. "I will admit, I've been thinking about it."
"The fact you nearly broke my nose?" He responded dryly, arching an eyebrow at her.
"Doing it again." She icily corrected.
Despite him, the corner of his lips raised the tiniest amount.
Shan held her hands together tightly in front of her, staring out at the street lamps being lit up between the tall buildings over the overshadowed and narrow streets. Her gaze flickered across to stare at the shadows of blue and purple across the bridge of his nose.
"Despite everything, I'm not angry with you." She caught the faint glimmer of surprise in his eyes. "I'm frustrated."
"You say that like there's a difference."
"There is," she turned to face him fully, looking up to meet his eyes. "If I was angry, I'd have used a knife instead of my knuckles."
He said nothing.
She crossed her arms around her shawl to fight against the chill in the air.
"I'm not upset that you blew up our home for the sake of getting back at Rollins," she said. "I'm upset that you didn't think it was important enough to tell me."
Or any of us, she mentally added.
"I'm upset that you forged my signature and that you couldn't just talk to me." She ground out through grit teeth, glaring up at him.
His eyes seemed to search hers for something.
"I am frustrated," she said evenly. "because you don't think my opinion on your plans is worth enough to even bother asking, but you will so willingly put all of our lives at risk for it."
He lifted his chin defiantly, shadows cast across his face. "Secrecy is how things work in the Barrel. You've been here long enough to know that."
"Secrecy," she seethed. "Is a recipe for disaster."
"I trust my crews skills enough to not make those."
"Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't! You're testing fate, and that is a dangerous game to play-"
He took a step closer but she refused to back down, craning her neck back to fix his glare with her own.
"-you're a fool if you believe in something as baseless as fate!" He snapped.
She worked her jaw, a million things she wished she had the courage to say, forming at the lump in her throat. "You once said you believed in me," she murmured softly back. "Was that a lie too?"
For once, the boy casting his shadow over her moonlit aura did not have a clear response. She looked into his eyes and saw someone who was irrevocably lost.
But for all of the pain in her heart, perhaps it was a small mercy that he had not responded. Had not disputed her claim, nor agreed with it. It left her clinging to dangerous hope, but she liked living dangerously, and she'd cling to it for as long as she could if it meant he was there in front of her.
Noe, the anger was taking hold.
She shook her head bitterly.
"You are exhausting my patience, Kaz Brekker. There's only so far you can push me away before you'll have no bridges left to burn, and you will have no one there to pull you out of the ruins."
Something flashed in his eyes, something eating away at him from the inside as he considered just how much she sounded like Jordie - but he swallowed it down. He had to.
He commented dryly instead, "How poetic."
Now, as disappointment took hold, he saw the way she physically deflated. How the silver moonlight in her eyes dimmed just a tad, and she stepped back away from him in retreat, lowering her gaze.
Her heart hurt.
"I have bared the most vulnerable parts of myself to you and let you hold the knife." She swallowed thickly, meeting his gaze for just the briefest of seconds then darting them away. "I'm not asking you to do the same. I'm just asking for you to trust us."
An unreadable look crossed his face as he watched her turn away and go to leave. Without even thinking about it, the voice of his long gone brother echoing inside his skull, something like a wild dog howling inside of him - he moved.
Shan stilled as something caught the end of her skirts with a tap, and turned to see the edge of the black fabric trapped beneath the end of his cane.
Something in his voice had changed. It wasn't as harsh, but still just as rough.
"I do trust them." He said. He could barely look at her, but managed it for a second. "I trust you."
Her heart skipped a beat as she looked at him. But then it ached and fluttered and it hurt to look at him, and she gently grasped a fistful of her skirts.
"Then show it."
Was all she said as she tore her skirt free and turned her back to him. She left him staring after her, hopelessly lost, words catching at the lump in his throat.