( my hiatus. )
tw: suicide, sexual assault, and bullying
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE to even begin with this segment in my misc book. I've been trying to find a way to say this without the fear of upsetting people and making my insecurities even worse than they are. So I'll say it simply:
I'm going on a hiatus.
I don't know how long, I don't know when I'll be able to return to this app without feeling a bunch of emotions. I just feel that this chapter might come to an end.
A little backstory about why I joined this app. In 2014, I joined the app during my English class in high school. I was bored, and I wanted to read and the concept of writing was intriguing. And so I found this app and signed up. Of course me being stupid and thinking of placing my actual picture on here and revealing my name, that started out badly. You see, I have a disability that affects me mentally and physically. I don't have facial muscles, nor do I have several cranial nerves that helps with said muscles, eyesight and hearing. I am hard of hearing and legally blind. To start with, it hadn't been an easy journey until I changed everything, and used my pen name Cheyenne, which actually is a nickname.
I'm a victim of bullying, and I'm also a victim of SA when I had been younger. Due to this, it affected me in ways I could not understand, I am behind on processing things, and I don't understand a lot. In school, I had to take special education classes and an IEP to help me get throughout my education. To say, it hadn't been the easiest time for me. And by creating Wattpad, I had wanted to escape, and make friends that are long lasting and wished that I could be normal.
For years, I've tried my hardest. It seemed I wasn't enough.
I think partly due to how I was brought up, and how I acted and how I responded. I will place blame and fault for misunderstanding and crossing boundaries. It's something that took me a long time to understand to actively follow them. But if you think about it, you'd understand why it took me a long time. I've always had a difficult time with making friendships, keeping them, socializing, interacting, and especially creating bonds. It's why I wanted to join Wattpad.
Now ten years later, to me, no matter how much I struggled nor tried my best, I failed. I don't know what it is that made people stray away, ignore me, leave me in the dust with zero explanations, regardless of my efforts being given. I've had people block me after I thought I was careful and asking for advice, I've been blocked by people who I admired, and looked up too and wanted advice and guidance. I guess I hadn't mentioned enough to ask for guidance, so that's my own fault really, but I understand. I can't make people do anything, I can only hope to know they understand about me.
I tried, I really went up and beyond to learn how to be social, and to take cues but I failed that too. Being bullied and behind in some things haven't been kind to me. I've been in a position where my insecurities and my doubts rose to the surface, and making my mental health worse. I'm too trusting, too open, too eager for company that I didn't realize how much it was making people push away or uncomfortable. I wished instead of ignorance or pretending, people would tell me, and help me understand in a way that would make sense. None of this was easy for me.
To everyone, I may seem to be seeking attention, or begging or intruding, but that's not what I intended. I'm starved for company, I'm starved for friendships I want to build from the ground up. I'm starved to be around normal people because of my upbringing and because I lacked of socializing. I know I may be revealing too much of my personal life here, but in order to understand and know how I'm feeling is important. I'm valid and entitled to have feelings that I've spent last 10 years hiding. Until one day, it didn't.
I was used to bottling feelings. The analogy I had was a message in the bottle or a ship inside of a glass bottle. Instead of the message and ship, it was replaced with my feelings. For years, I've pretended I was okay, until one day the bottle cracked and feelings came loose until one day it wasn't. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I didn't want to do anything because I felt overwhelmed, I felt lonely, sad, depressed to the point my dad noticed. He sent me to the doctors office and prescribed me meds, and it worked for awhile, until I noticed it didn't even affect me at all. With my body, I'm not affected by most things. Like for example, medicines don't affect me much, there's no changes. And it really sucks. But the point is, after I cracked, I spent months trying to heal, find a way to feel safe and happy again, until I thought I had found a way to ease the pain, ease the loneliness.
Until it wasn't.
Just recently, within the new year, I made it an effort to make new resolution goals. One, I would stop trying to make effort in friendships that clearly wanted nothing in return. Two, to focus on my mental health and finds ways outside of this app to teach me new things. While I've made a handful of friends on here, empathizing a handful, I still feel as I'm lonely, broken maybe. And that's something I need to change, to focus on the present and the past. And I've learned not to dwell on the past, though it's hard. And as I did it through my real life, I know I could do it here too. I just need to let go.
For ten years I've joined this app. This is an app that changed so drastically, in the most negative ways. One, it felt like I was back in high school with cliques and bullies and people who would just not acknowledge your existence. Two, there's a lot of changing within the app that a lot of people make it specifically to do better than others. But guess what? No writer is better than anyone. As I may not be an experienced writer, despite advice I try to seek out, writers have their own unique style and their own unique way of telling a story. One might be a new writer with a lot to tell, or one may be experienced and have a lot to tell. No one is perfect.
I'm not perfect. I made mistakes, I say things without thinking through. I've made people unsafe around me, which is the last thing I wanted. The struggle with that, is how my brain processed and what I've taken knowledge in. I cannot physically and mentally help that, and a lot of people forget that disabled people have the biggest hearts.
Speaking of disability, I know there's writers on here who have them. While many don't showcase nor tell, and that's exceptionally valid, there are others who have spoken, advocated and wanted to be their best authentic self. However, we as a disabled community come with downsides. Bullying, sexual encounters, disability threats, suicidal thoughts, etc. that's something that happens to life, and I have been part of that. And one as a disabled person don't have enough to warrant protection or an advocate to stand up. While I can battle my own disability, I know not many cannot. So people out there, especially creepers who I know is everywhere, take caution, and be safe.
I guess what I'm trying to say is. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm tired of feeling like the friends I tried to make aren't sticking, nor willing to actively pursue a friendship or companion. While I understand that patience is a virtue ( I value that and understanding ), it gives no reason for a person to give up. And to me, it hurts when there's no explanation whatsoever. I would've accepted that the friendship wasn't working and remain mutuals. Yes, I would've been affected by the rejection and I would've backed off. I'm a sensitive person, mostly everyone knows this. However I never truly expressed the sensitivity that ran deep. I'm a cancer, born in the month of sensitivity, and emotions, I'm also very much a girl at heart with kindness and respect. I always try to be my best self, and I always aim to be protective and nurturing. Though I'm unsure how anyone felt the vibes I get. And I always felt connections with people who seem to understand me. And I vibe strongly with those.
I'm not saying this to hurt anyone, I'm not saying this to call anyone out. I'm just expressing my emotions, my feelings and the way I see and process it. I don't know how to openly express them without hurting anyone. By the time anyone reads this, I'll mostly have deleted the app, and taking my hiatus to rejuvenate and hopefully come back and try to be a better version of myself and write stories and live my life as the best person I can be.
I do apologize if my words affected you. I'm truly sorry that this has been a long time statement, but my feelings and my emotions are truly what I feel. I may seem like I'm striving for attention or calling out, but that's not true at all. I'm just a woman who's trying to find her circle of people to bond and to grow with, something I do not have in real life. If this upsets you, go ahead and unfollow me, or ask me any questions for clarification. I want to remain friends with those who I do have. And everyone's welcome to reach me on instagram or on discord. My instagram is arsvenal.wp, and I've been told my discord won't allow people to add me unless you're a mutual of a mutual, so if you want to find me, dm me.
To those who have stuck by me, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. All of you are a gem, and I value our friendships deeply. I will be that protector, sister figure, mother figure until we part, but I do hope we do not. I'm here with you until the end. I love you all.
Until I can feel like I won't be too soft, and until I can speak again. I think silence is my best answer, I seem to do better in silence instead of asking questions or starting something, because I know that has happened and I end up hurt. So until I return, hopefully with written stories and updates.
Mischief Managed,
Cheyenne, Chey or Cher.