BEAUTIFUL SOUL, miscellaneous

one | my hiatus

(  my hiatus. )
tw: suicide, sexual assault, and bullying

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE to even begin with this segment in my misc book. I've been trying to find a way to say this without the fear of upsetting people and making my insecurities even worse than they are. So I'll say it simply:

I'm going on a hiatus.

I don't know how long, I don't know when I'll be able to return to this app without feeling a bunch of emotions. I just feel that this chapter might come to an end.

A little backstory about why I joined this app. In 2014, I joined the app during my English class in high school. I was bored, and I wanted to read and the concept of writing was intriguing. And so I found this app and signed up. Of course me being stupid and thinking of placing my actual picture on here and revealing my name, that started out badly. You see, I have a disability that affects me mentally and physically. I don't have facial muscles, nor do I have several cranial nerves that helps with said muscles, eyesight and hearing. I am hard of hearing and legally blind. To start with, it hadn't been an easy journey until I changed everything, and used my pen name Cheyenne, which actually is a nickname.

I'm a victim of bullying, and I'm also a victim of SA when I had been younger. Due to this, it affected me in ways I could not understand, I am behind on processing things, and I don't understand a lot. In school, I had to take special education classes and an IEP to help me get throughout my education. To say, it hadn't been the easiest time for me. And by creating Wattpad, I had wanted to escape, and make friends that are long lasting and wished that I could be normal.

For years, I've tried my hardest. It seemed I wasn't enough.

I think partly due to how I was brought up, and how I acted and how I responded. I will place blame and fault for misunderstanding and crossing boundaries. It's something that took me a long time to understand to actively follow them. But if you think about it, you'd understand why it took me a long time. I've always had a difficult time with making friendships, keeping them, socializing, interacting, and especially creating bonds. It's why I wanted to join Wattpad.

Now ten years later, to me, no matter how much I struggled nor tried my best, I failed. I don't know what it is that made people stray away, ignore me, leave me in the dust with zero explanations, regardless of my efforts being given. I've had people block me after I thought I was careful and asking for advice, I've been blocked by people who I admired, and looked up too and wanted advice and guidance. I guess I hadn't mentioned enough to ask for guidance, so that's my own fault really, but I understand. I can't make people do anything, I can only hope to know they understand about me.

I tried, I really went up and beyond to learn how to be social, and to take cues but I failed that too. Being bullied and behind in some things haven't been kind to me. I've been in a position where my insecurities and my doubts rose to the surface, and making my mental health worse. I'm too trusting, too open, too eager for company that I didn't realize how much it was making people push away or uncomfortable. I wished instead of ignorance or pretending, people would tell me, and help me understand in a way that would make sense. None of this was easy for me.

To everyone, I may seem to be seeking attention, or begging or intruding, but that's not what I intended. I'm starved for company, I'm starved for friendships I want to build from the ground up. I'm starved to be around normal people because of my upbringing and because I lacked of socializing. I know I may be revealing too much of my personal life here, but in order to understand and know how I'm feeling is important. I'm valid and entitled to have feelings that I've spent last 10 years hiding. Until one day, it didn't.