March 1996, Woodsboro, CA.
Billy, what are you doing?
I'm walking. Reality keeps shifting with delusions. It's raining, I think.
Billy... w-what
I'm in the woods, behind the Macher home. Is it now or is it then?
Billy! The little boy screams, his blue eyes fill with tears. He turns to run away, from me?
I look down to my hand, my hand shifts from mine to my childlike hand. Blood is smeared on them both, the pattern merges into one another. The knife clasped in my fingers changes sizes. My grip stays the same.
I'm scared Billy.
The blue eyed boy is beside me again, the tears are all down his cheeks. His golden hair moves like waves in the wind.
It's raining and I'm alone. The blood keeps falling down my arms, the pain isn't there?
Promise, you won't do this again? The little boy is in front of me, the tears dried on his skin.
Do what? I ask to no-one. The clearing in the forest is empty, I'm soaked through and I keep holding onto the knife despite the blood and rain making it hard to grip.
It will be our secret. The boy whispers before looking down to the floor, I follow his gaze. A dead dog lies at my feet. It's brown fur matted in blood.
I just wanted to get some more bones for you. I say, my voice sounding lighter and younger.
The blonde boy starts picking up leaves to cover the body, then he's in front of me. His eyes look, scared. You're not gonna hurt me, are you Billy?
"Billy?"
I look up and Stu is stood where the younger him was, he's soaking wet too. He's so much taller now. I can barely make out his face in the darkness but I just know those eyes are searching for the darkness in mine.
I'll never hurt you, Stu. I promise. The younger me says.
My chest heaves. If I don't feel then what is this?
The adult Stu, steps closer to me.
"Don't!" I shout, it comes out like a cry.
"Billy, come on. Please, let's get back inside-"
I'm suddenly standing closer to Stu, the adult, then the child. I feel my grip on the knife get tighter, my fingers ache from the pressure. I pull back the blade and slam it into his chest. He staggers back, blood spits from his mouth. I grab him with my other hand and pull the knife back out. His eyes, empty. I slam the knife back in, out, in, out. I'm crying. I can hear myself, crying.
The rain is pouring off me and in front of my eyes, I put my other hand up to my face. I can feel my body shaking, with sobs breaking through me.
"Billy, please" Stu steps closer, his face more clear. His eyes looking into mine then to the knife in my hand. Fear and what?
"Don't come any fucking closer" The words spit out with desperation in-between the cries, as I stretch my arm out so the knife is aimed at his chest "I hurt you, and I said I wouldn't. I promised" I cry.
Stu holds his hands up, like the many times before but this time. He's serious. "It's fine, man. I'm all good, 'tis just a scratch" He tries to smile but it's strained.
"It's not fine!" I shout and point the knife even closer "I keep seeing it,Stu. Again and again and I'm tired of fighting it, it's going to win. It keeps telling me, I'm not strong enough" The words come out with the sobs, my hand shakes with them and so does the knife.
"W-what is it? Billy, you're not making any sense, man" He says calmly, moving an inch closer.
"Don't say that! I thought you got me, you said you understood" I use all my strength to stop my body shaking and hold onto the knife. I hold it straight at him, he stops moving.
"I do get you" Stu shouts, the exhaustion and confusion overwhelming him, breaking his composure. "All I ever do, is get you Billy! What else am I to fucking do?" He amplifies, dropping his hands, one hitting his own chest.
"You didn't get the dog" I whimper "It scared you and I fucking scared you tonight!"
"The dog?" He exhales nearly a laugh "The Wilson's? It attacked me, you killed it because it hurt me!"
"Don't make excuses" I whine, I feel my body start to shake again.
"I'm not! That mutt deserved it, had it coming" He smiles through an almost laugh.
"It's not funny!" Instantaneously the cries subside and that burning feeling takes over, anger yet an almost thirst. I grip the knife, the shaking turns into a vibration.
"I'm sorry- I didn't mean it like that" He breathes "You're not gonna hurt me, I know you"
The vision repeats of me slamming the knife in and out of his chest, his perfect toned skin turned into a hollow mess that no longer resemble a human form. You know you want to.
"No, no, no!" The burning enveloping my skin turns to an ice like chill. I'm shivering, shaking "I just want to put the broken pieces back together. I-I thought it was killing- then it, came back. So I thought it was you but it won't stop. What if it never stops? I'm just broken" The words come between the shakes, the tears and the aching in my chest. I drop the knife, it splashes into the sodded forest floor and I fall onto my knees. I start to feel light.
Stu is at my side, the muddy floor turning our jeans black. He puts his arms around me, one hand cups the back of my head the other at my waist. My body keeps shaking and he embraces them, he keeps whispering it's okay, over and over. He let's go and pulls his head back so it's in front of mine, both of his hands go on either side of my face. "I'm not afraid of what you'll do to me, I'm afraid of what you're gonna do to yourself" He drops his hands and finds mine, taking hold of them both. He rubs his thumb against the palm of my hand. He turns them slowly, noticing the blood coming from my arms. He sees the cuts.
"Fuck, Billy! See! This is what I'm scared of- you fucking idiot! Argh!" He let's go and grips onto my arms, trying to examine the wounds against the rain and the darkness of the night.
"'tis but I scratch" I mutter. He glares at me then let's go and gets to his feet. The mud squelching beneath him, he leans down and grabs my arm pulling me to my feet. He keeps a firm hold of my hand and starts to lead me out of the clearing.
I look behind us and see young Stu and Billy, watching. Staring. Billy still and silent. Stu, crying at the dead dog at their feet.
He's not like you.
He doesn't understand.
He's not broken.
He's a full piece.
You just have to break him into pieces to see if he fits.
I won't, I can't.
You can. You will.
I use all the strength I have left to yank my hand free from his grip and run back to the clearing and fall to my knees, pressing my hands into the wet grass and mud.
"Billy, come on!" Stu yells, his voice more desperate than I've ever head.
I keep moving my hands against the ground until the hard steel catches the palm of my hand, opening it. No pain follows. I find the handle of the knife and lift it up, it shimmers under the moon.
"Please, Billy. We gotta go" Stu cries, tears making his voice weak and crack.
Put yourself back together, piece by piece.
"Come on, man. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared for you, Billy" He wails, in between deep breaths as his cries turn heavier.
By breaking apart others.
I have the knife in both of my hands, I see my reflection in the flat on the blade. My hair soaked hangs in front of my eyes, the darkness underneath matches the pit-less depths of them.
Break him into pieces.
I shift the blade in my hands and take a hold of the knife by it's handle, and wrap my fingers around it perfectly, like it's made for me. The usual hunger doesn't take over, no. Just exhaustion. I find myself on my feet, I turn to face Stuart Macher. A hollowness like no other, consumes me. My head tilts to the side as I lift the knife towards my best friend, my lover. The shape of my lips morph into a smile which assumes control of my features, mimicked by my seized mind.
"Billy, w-what are you doing?"