CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Thing were never the same after that particular night, even up to the last day of our cadet lives.
I never spoke to Erwin again after that, perhaps exchanged a few short quips for training purposes but never beyond that. And he didn't try to push me either, having figured my silence as my reply.
I decided to let him go.
Erwin was never meant to be mine in the first place. It was impossible.
I was determined that I would be just some sort of character development for him to find the right person. It was already hard enough to digest he loved me.
I wasn't the type of person someone would love their entire life. I was to be loved periodically and with intervals, if not, never.
It was either suffering later or saving myself from the pain that would inevitably come.
We were soon graduating and that solidified my belief that whatever happened in the past was soon to pass and be forgotten.
I'd lie if I said seeing Erwin talk to Marie occasionally during the entirety of our bad fallout didn't hurt. I knew she loved him, and he could learn to love her too.
Hell, he may even be in love with her now.
"You're so gloomy lately." Carly pointed out one afternoon as I packed my things from the dorm, beginning on tidying up since tomorrow would be the day we choose our regiments.
Hence, new place.
New place = away from all this.
"You're supposed to be thrilled you're graduating." She said to me.
I sighed, "I am thrilled."
"You don't have the face of someone who looks like it."
"I'm sorry, is my physical appearance not up to your standards?" I retorted, sorting out my books in a relatively small box.
She thought it was a brilliant idea to accompany and help me pack, saying how it would probably be the last time before I throw myself in front of titans. I figured she was right and decided she could tag along.
But now, I was having a hard time between focusing my attention on sorting my stuff and holding a conversation to her entertainment.
"Not at all."
I could only hum in response, barely paying attention.
"Not at all not in my standards, I mean." I could sense her shifting uncomfortably. I looked up to see her with an arched brow.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"M/n, I don't think you're bad-looking at all. In fact, I find you really attractive—" her nervous string of words suddenly halted as she saw a figure appear from the doorway, walking in quite explosively to let everyone know of the new presence.
Her face froze and she suddenly stood up, paling slightly.
I watched in confusion before glancing behind me to see a particular blonde with a not-so friendly look on his face. Not in any way hostile but still ever-so serious and enough to scare anyone who's timid like Carly.
"Er. . . Erwin." She acknowledged with a harsh swallow.
I turned away and my mood soiled significantly.
I wanted to avoid him up to the very last day. I was doing so well in letting him go and I wasn't going to let him ruin it.
"Carly." He nodded in return.
I composed myself and resumed in sorting my things, systematically organizing them in the box on my right side.
"You were saying?" I questioned calmly, her words barely registered in me earlier-long forgotten once Erwin interrupted.
"I. . ." Carly shifted in discomfort, unable to say what she had said previous due to the new presence accompanying us.
I didn't know what her deal was, it can't possibly be that bad?
I presumed her nervousness stemmed from the intensity in Erwin's presence, his eyes darting occasionally towards her as though awaiting her words as well.
I felt a small twinge of irritation.
Especially when I was also feeling nervous in return.
"Forget it." She smiled sheepishly, "I'll tell you in another time."
I arched a curious brow but didn't press further. I couldn't blame her reluctance and her sudden loss of confidence.
"Are you also packing your things, Erwin?" She turned to face the blonde out of courtesy, offering her typical easy smiles to lighten the tense atmosphere that suddenly suffocated everyone in the room.
I didn't dare to glance back.
Erwin only hummed in reply.
"Do you need help with yours?" I asked Carly, feeling it was only fair after she helped me with mine.
I also considered if she had any heavy load that needed lifting, or most importantly— if she ever felt the need to get away from the tense atmosphere that was also making me desperate to leave.
Her eyes lit up and she gazed at me, "Not really. But if you don't mind. . ."
"I can help you." Erwin piped in, making the both of us turn towards him in surprise from his abruptness.
"You, um, don't have to. . ." Carly was back at it again as she nervously shook her head, not really in ease with him since he wasn't the friendliest and she gets intimidated incredibly quickly. "You're still busy with your things, I wouldn't want to impose."
"M/n is busy with his as well." He pointed out, making me turn to him with furrowed brows, wondering what he was trying to do.
It was the first in a while that he openly acknowledged me.
"I don't mind." I said plainly, trying to hide how my nerves began to climb up my neck.
"I. . . Well. . ." Carly was going to explode with all the pressure.
Prying, intimidating eyes from Erwin clashing with my stubbornness. I could tell she was torn between the conflict, contemplating whether she should accept my help and offend Erwin or refuse my help and be stuck with Erwin.
"I'll just go ask Flagon." She sighed, defeated.
The air returned to silence as we all minded our business.
I was, at this point, securing my boxes. Carly was still seated, no longer trying to entertain me with conversations in fear of saying the wrong things in front of Erwin.
And I was trying my best to ignore the blonde, which proved to be difficult when our bunk beds were literally not too far from one another.
Sensing that none of us were going to speak or do anything about the current atmosphere, Carly decided it was too much for her to handle as she was now beginning to sweat excessively while nervously flickering her eyes between the both of us.
Not used to seeing our relationship so strained when the last time she saw us together, it was in the winter incident.
"I'll, um, go ahead?" She hesitated for a second with a gesture of her hand towards the door. "Will you be fine?" She leaned in to ask me lowly, seeming discreet. "I'm happy to help."
I appreciated her concern, honestly. But she couldn't help me with my problem with Erwin, this was exclusively between the two of us. It didn't feel right to involve outsiders in such a private matter.
And I didn't want to drag her into this mess anyway, save her from all the drama.
"Why won't he be?" Erwin spoke up from his side without looking up, seemingly overheard her words.
She flinched like an electrocuted cat before profusely shaking her head in hopes of saving herself, "I. . . I didn't mean it like that! I just— I. . . Never mind! I'll go now!" She panicked before darting out the door.
I felt bad. At the same time, I was a tad bit annoyed with how Erwin was acting.
"You didn't have to scare her away like that, you know?"
"I wasn't trying to scare her." He said plainly, clearly not genuine in his words.
I clenched my jaw, "What's your problem?" I drew out, my previous anxiety long replaced with frustration.
I didn't like it when we fight and yet there was nothing else to do with this situation. I didn't want to divulge in the same conversation again in fear of letting down my walls. I wanted to keep a distance to make it easier for the both of us.
"My problem?" Erwin was not one to back down from communication. He was a verbal man, he expresses himself best in words and didn't cower from confrontations.
That was a trait I admired from him but now being at the end of it, I was beginning to see how disadvantageous that is for people like me who choose to run than charge head on.
"My problem is that you haven't spoken to me in weeks and purposely ignored me by indulging in everyone else's company."
I felt like I was being caught with a fishing rod, driving me to a corner in whatever body of water this scenario is is metamorphic with.
"I had nothing to say." I reasoned briefly, finding no will to elaborate.
"Well, I had plenty." He firmly planted, turning to face me as he sat on his bed which was across from mine.
"I'm not sure I want to hear it."
He wasn't having it as he handled the situation calmly, "In order to fix this, we communicate. And for us to communicate, you need to listen."
I was loosing the roots of my hair with his well-implemented argument, his logic easily giving him a more sensible ground compared to my immaturity.
I acknowledge my childishness in making decisions when facing problems, but this was the only way out that I could see. To save everyone a heartbreak.
I didn't realize the gravity of the situation and how I was hurting ourselves more.
And yet, I was determined to make it through just one more day.
One.
It didn't matter to me if my excuses sounded lame or stupid in the guise of my fear and cowardice.
"Why do you want to fix it?" I asked, guarded. My eyes barely meeting his. "Don't you think it's time for new people? People who've hurt you less?"
I was hoping to knock him into his senses that insisting with me would only be bad news.
"You want me to love Marie? Is that it?" He asked quietly, and I tried not look into his crestfallen eyes—afraid I would crack and immediately abandon all sense.
I tore my hooded eyes away, subtly moving in discomfort.
"Yes." I didn't even mean it.
He remained silent, letting my words register as he stared at the void in front of him.
I took this as a chance for me to leave without another confrontation. I really didn't want to be alone in a room with him, afraid of conversations like this to resurface and I'd have to be vulnerable and bare in front of him once again-wearing my heart in my sleeves.
I left him to reflect and hopefully make a better decision tomorrow.