Jaywon AO3 stories :)

Love that needs to be repaid; darlplusing ❕

This one lowk is sad 💀 also smut at the end so dw 😉
ALSO RLLY GOOD
Enjoy!
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love that needs to be repaid
darlplusing

Summary:

Jungwon sounds sleepy when he responds with, "I guess I just haven't found the perfect guy."

Jay snorts, "Perhaps you need to lower your standards. There's no such thing as perfection."

"There is for me," And there goes that soft voice again, of defeat and regret. "He exists. I know it in my heart." It breaks Jay's to hear him say that. In his head, the forbidden thought finally escapes the prison Jay's made for it. Is it because of me?

or Jungwon's been in love with Jay ever since he was eight and the latter was ten.
Notes:

this will be lacking in many ways, but i promise as my writing skills get better, my constant and nonsensical edits of this fic will one day make it something i can be proud of.

thank u for giving it a chance!
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
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Once, when he was just eight years old, Jungwon hit his head so hard at the playground that for an hour afterwards he couldn't remember his own name. It was within that hour when he first met Jay, who he would later learn was one of his neighbors, two years older than him, and even before those things was that he was a really good person. Jungwon remembers that up against the blinding sun was a small human-like being squatting on the floor of the asphalt above him, poking at his throbbing head until he woke up.

A high and pubescent voice then accompanied the human-like being's silhouette, "Are you okay, kid?"

Looking back on it, it's fucking hilarious that Jay, who was also a kid at the time, casually picked him up by the armpits like he was a seasoned babysitter and dusted him off like it was no big deal. Jungwon, being incredibly injured, immediately fell on top of him in a blubbering, dry-heaving heap, which made Sunghoon, Jay's best friend, also run over to pour cold water onto Jungwon's neck.

"Do you think he's concussion?" He vaguely remembered Sunghoon asking Jay, who was busy fanning him with his sports jersey.

"Concussed, dummy, it's concussed. Go find his mom." Jay tapped his head again and asked at an obnoxious volume, "Hey kid, what's your name?"

"I don't...I don't know."

"Aw, man." Jay tsked like a grandmother. "I'm Jongseong, or you can call me Jay. That's my American name, because I'm going to America soon!"

The second he finally could part his eyelids again, a super cute boy was staring down at him, the cool breeze generated from that boy's sweaty jersey making his hair blow.

Twelve years later, Jungwon still hasn't told anyone that that was the moment he realized he was gay.

Being ten years old, it was light work for Jay to chat Jungwon's mom up once Sunghoon flagged her down, introducing himself as the boy from Apartment 603 in Building 01, and that he didn't think Jungwon was concussed, but since he wasn't a doctor she should still take him to the emergency room just to be sure.

She was charmed, to say the least, and from that day forward, every time Jungwon was about to go outside, she would give him an extra 2,000 won to make sure that he bought his Jay and Sunghoon-hyungs snacks after school.

"Hold your hyungs' hands when you cross the street, you promise?" She'd boop at Jungwon's nose, showing him how to most effectively hide the money in his backpack like some sort of domestic drug lord. She said it every day needlessly, since Jungwon did not need an excuse to want to hold Jay's hand.

Compared to him, Jay was much taller, more coordinated, and their neighborhood was rated the safest in Seoul that year, so in retrospect she had nothing to worry about. His mom's mild paranoia coupled with the fact that they had to wear bright yellow bucket hats made it so that he and Jay would stick out like sore thumbs. "Jungwonie, are you gonna miss me when I leave?"

Jungwon didn't really understand that concept yet, "Where are you going, hyung?"

Jay smiled down at him, "I'm going to the Roma...Romanova Boarding School for Ballet in Connecticut!"

"Huh?"

"It's in America. I'm gonna be gone for a long time, but I'll be back for summer vacation. Make sure you hold Hoonie's hand in the meantime and take care of your mom." Jay ruffled his hair. "I'll bring you back a souvenir."

He still didn't quite understand, but he did the following week when he toddled over to Jay's apartment and was gently told that he was gone. He cried for hours in his mom's arms while she kept on patting his back and tush, all the while singing and him utterly inconsolable at the loss. "My little kitty cat, please don't cry, oh god, mommy doesn't know what to do when you cry like this," She would repeat it over and over again, and the core memory of her singing is permanently etched into Jungwon's very being. "My little kitty cat, kitty cat, kitty cat!"

Jay eventually did come back every summer as promised, year after year marked with spitting watermelon seeds at each other and laughing so hard that his insides hurt. It always stung a bit too much when Jay would leave again in the fall, and then everything got worse. Once Jungwon entered high school his mom was gone from cancer, his dad then remarried, and Sunghoon joined a boarding school for figure skating. The stacked, repeated losses eventually rendered him numb, and nothing really got him happy enough to crack a smile.

They didn't hold hands anymore when crossing the street, and most of the summers Sunghoon had Jay all to himself, probably burning their allowances away at a PC room or taking girls out on bubble tea dates.

The rare occasions that Jay would stop by though, it was usually because something utterly horrific was happening to Jungwon again, the sessions ending with Jay ruffling his hair and telling him that everything was going to be alright.

Eventually, even hearing that felt like some sort of betrayal. "Hi kitty cat, brought your favorite," Jungwon remembers when Jay last did this, standing in the hallway trying to coax him to open the front door. He smiled directly into the security camera, holding up the bag of fried chicken for him to see. "Open the door, Wonie. I'll give you five seconds before I start screaming."

Jungwon rolled his eyes and unlocked the door, but only cracked it wide enough for his left eye to show. "Not interested in buying what you're selling."

Jay pushed at him, and Jungwon's never been able to resist. "I know you probably haven't eaten all day. I saved up the month's worth of calories for this, you know. If I'm bloated in class tomorrow, I at least want it to have been because I was eating chicken with you."

Jungwon allowed him in, and together on the sticky floor of a humid night they gorged themselves on sweet and spicy wings. Jay had to intermittently pause to wipe Jungwon's tears away because he was getting them all over his food and himself. That night, Jungwon remembers every detail so clearly. It was the night after Jungwon's dad told him they were moving.

It made sense, since no sensible woman would want to live in the house of their dead predecessor. The issue was that she was from the countryside and his dad wanted to settle down on a fucking farm an hour away from Jay and Sunghoon. She was nice enough, but she couldn't have been any more the opposite of his mother. Jungwon's mom killed every houseplant she ever took pity on, relished in the high-rise, high-Gangnam life, and maybe there are some issues with that, but he didn't care to ever unpack it.

"I heard from your grandma," Jay said softly, lips pouted in their resting position.

Jungwon scoffed, "You talk to my grandma now?"

His hyung shrugged, "She wanted me to come over to make sure you were okay."

Jungwon shook his head, so Jay pulled him into his arms. "I'm sorry, Wonie."

"Whatever," He sniffed and wiped his nose. "I'll get over it, don't worry about me. What is it they say? Just keep on dancing? Right, hyung? Or is it swimming, not sure."

Jay didn't say anything for a while after that, as if he was deep in thought. The only sounds that could be heard were the ones of the living room clock ticking, a painfully slow yet fast rhythm of the seconds passing. Then, a sharp inhale, an outstretched pinky entering into Jungwon's peripheral. "I'll visit you. Every year. I promise."

Jungwon's immediate thought was that he must be lying. Just how on earth would Jay come to visit him an hour's train ride away, during the hottest summer days of the limited time he has in Korea? It was absolutely ridiculous. He wouldn't let himself be stupid and get disappointed.

He didn't have to. Jay really did visit him every year, on the same weekends, at the same time, like clockwork. It continued until Jungwon left for college and Jay began auditioning for ballet companies in Korea. Every time they'd meet, Jay would already have set an entire itinerary, money for every activity, and sometimes even managed to drag Sunghoon along as well as some additional friends as the years passed.

On the day he was set to move into his college dorm, Jay drove him there in his brand new car, something about how his dad started a golfing tourism business in Burma, explaining that and the fancy new watch strapped to his wrist.

Something definitely possessed him that day, because Jungwon couldn't stop himself from blurting out, "Hyung, I like you," while they were stuck in traffic, which, coupled with the fact that Sunghoon was snoring in the backseat, was probably the worst time on earth to admit such a thing.

He remembers how Jay gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, wide eyes blinking continuously as if trying to wake himself up from a dream.

"Jungwon."

It'd been a while since he used his full name in such a way.

"You're just a kid," Jay bit out, and Jungwon didn't think his heart could break again, but perhaps a better way to describe it would be that it felt like it was being charred to bits. "You deserve better than me. You're literally about to start college, for fuck's sake." He'd never heard Jay curse like that before, at least, not directed towards him.

"Hyung—"

"I'm," Jay cut him off. "Gonna pretend I didn't hear that, okay? You're gonna find someone better than me, and I'm gonna make sure of it. We're...almost there, so get some sleep."

Mortified and stunned, Jungwon elected to turn the other way to face the window, wondering how much it would hurt if he opened the door right then and there to throw himself out.

He had enough tact to never mention it again, especially since the second Sunghoon woke up Jay acted like nothing was ever the matter. Life moved on, and their friend circle only grew. As years passed, Jungwon proceeded to meet all of Jay's boyfriends and girlfriends who never lasted more than a month or two, so the circle stayed large yet never of the same people.

Again, he'd had practice being numb to loss. By the time Sunoo pranced into their lives as Jay's newest beau, Jungwon didn't even blink, even though he felt like for some reason this hyung was different.

Shit, maybe they'll move to America and get married, he remembered thinking, absently sipping his coffee. However, once he observed the way Sunoo laughed at Sunghoon's jokes, he quickly stopped any and all assumptions. Little did he know that shit was about to get real.

The day Sunghoon admitted to his crime.

Jungwon was a bit startled when Jay told him that he and Sunoo were over, mostly because Jay had a habit of releasing startling information at the most random times. Not that he was accusing anyone of anything, since, so did he.

They were sipping matchas in Jungwon's shared apartment with Niki, the newest addition to their friend group. He had whisked the tea into the "I LOVE NY" mugs that Jay had bought him over five years ago now, and continuing to use them is one of their many inside jokes.

"Yeah, just doesn't work."

Jungwon cocked his head to the side, "What doesn't?"

"Me and Sunoo," Jay shrugged, and Jungwon coughed a bit into his tea. "I will say: I do like him as a friend."

Carefully, he asked, "Does Sunoo-hyung know?"

Jay lazily stretched, cracking his neck before responding with, "Yeah. It's already ended and amicably tidied up. Hoon did ask me for this number though, which was really fucking weird. Do you remember that club we went to for Jake's birthday?" He continued when Jungwon nodded, "Apparently they kissed! Can you believe that?"

I can, Jungwon almost said. He took another sip, "Sunghoon-hyung's never been on a proper date though since that girl broke his heart in middle school. He hasn't skated in pairs since."

"Tragic, truly," Jay laughed, running a hand through his own hair. "God. Who would've thought that it'd be me to lead Park Sunghoon to his fairy tale ending."

Truthfully, it made perfect sense. Jay and Sunghoon were practically inseparable and had the same taste in men. "You'll get yours one day, hyung," Jungwon consoled without even thinking about it. "You deserve better than to just be someone's fairy godmother."

Jay gave him a crooked smile and ruffled his hair. "Aigoo. Thanks, our little Wonie." He cooed and pressed a fat, loud kiss to the side of his head.

Fuck, he hated everything.

That fateful camping trip.

Sunoo-hyung managed to stick around, which Jungwon was equally happy and impressed with. Usually all it took was one too many of Niki's pranks or Jake managing to accidentally seduce them, which, considering he's desperately in love with Heeseung-hyung, always created an awkwardness that caused them to leave.

Their annual camping trip rolled around soon enough, and despite it being clear that Sunoo was not the outdoorsy type, it was extremely obvious the entire time how hard he was trying.

"Hyung! Hyung! You forgot your toilet paper!" Niki shouted as he ran deep into the woods, and all Jungwon remembers from that trip was Sunoo desperately shouting, "Don't get any closer, Niki, for fuck's sake! "

Well, that and when they all went into their tents for the evening, he was awoken during the witching hour to a shuffling noise that scared him shitless.

"Won-ah!" Jay whisper-shouted, just as he was about to throw his shoe in self-defense. "I'm so fucking cold, let me sleep with you."

His first instinct was to say no, because the average man shouldn't tempt fate like that, but he helplessly watched as Jay crawled in beside him, fully clad in a hoodie and sweatpants.

This hyung, seriously, is what Jungwon forced himself to think, but let Jay unzip his sleeping bag and snuggle up next to him anyways, his back pressed to Jay's front.

"Cold," Jay whined, breath hot against Jungwon's neck. "Let me have some of the blanket."

Jungwon sighed exasperatedly, "Why didn't you just bring your own sleeping bag into the tent? Now we're both cold. Go cuddle with Sunghoon-hyung." Jay made another noise and wiggled around.

"Sunoo's in that tent with him, remember? It'd be weird to go in there."

"Why?" Jungwon asked, breath hitching when Jay carded his hands around Jungwon's waist. "You're suffocating me."

"You're so prickly, Wonie." Jay laughed against his neck. "Loosen up, will ya? Can't do this to Hoon in front of Sunoo, he'll think it's a big giant sex cult we've got goin' on here. And you have plenty of space."

Just as Jungwon was about to retort, he was cut off by the sound of snoring. What a terrible situation, honestly. The love of his life platonically drooling into his neck.

He didn't end up sleeping much at all, despite having lost the rock-paper-scissors game as to who would drive them back in the morning.

It's inevitable he'd wake up confused and having a dry mouth, but it still is just as disorienting as the last time he hadn't slept well. The outside tinted his view inside the tent blue, so he guessed that it's about five or six in the morning and he'd need about an hour to wake Jay up.

"Hyung," he mumbled, one eye still closed. He rolled over to find Jay completely off of the sleeping bag and curled in one himself, looking cold. A wave of guilt hit him that Jay was probably shivering the whole night, but he moved past it and crawled towards him to continue coaxing him again. "Jay-hyung, please wake up."

"Gone," Jay mumbled under his breath, so quietly Jungwon almost missed it. "Gone."

"What's gone?" Jungwon asked softly, continuing to shake his arm. "You're not having a nightmare because I hogged the blanket, right?" Jay's eyes were halfway open, but it was clear that he was still deep in his REM cycle.

"Don't go, Jungwon-ah."

Jungwon freezed at the statement, a pit of worry and confusion tumbling around in his abdomen. He looked around and blinked a few times. "I'm not...I'm not going anywhere, hyung."

"Don't leave," is all Jay said in response.

Come to think of it, it's ludicrous that the two things he barely managed to remember about that camping trip was Jay's nightmare and Sunoo having diarrhea in the woods.

Jungwon's always known that Jay had a lot of things running through his head. He must, being the only heir to a business, the primo in a ballet company, the most mature, the most responsible. Yet, despite his usual callousness and insane need for propriety, his facial expressions are his heart on his sleeve. Jay can't keep a poker face for shit.

Jay always had a look to him, a "I've lived a fuckton of lives," kind of look, which might explain his short temper and intolerance for bullshit. His resting face was a bored pout, so it's certainly a gift when Jungwon's able to see him laugh.

And when he's annoyed, his face says "Thanks, I hate you."

When he's angry, his chin juts out and the tiniest vein pops out from his neck, all "I'm trying not to explode."

When he's actually happy, he smiles like that one meme of the happy white cat, smug and adoring.

However, when he's feeling well and truly emotional, his face says absolutely nothing. Completely blank and unreadable. Like the Barbie version of Jay right out of the packaging, and naturally it's the face that Jungwon's scared of the most.

Especially since it's become extremely obvious to everyone but Jay (and Niki) that Sunoo and Sunghoon have something really real between them, but since it isn't Jungwon's business and he's learned from previous mistakes, he hasn't thought to mention it.

It would be his business, though, if on the day Jay finds out about some ex-lover or old flame and his face was blank. That would be the day that Jungwon would totally and completely give up on his stupid crush.

For now, it was quite enough to hoard all the tiny trinkets and souvenirs Jay's bought him and keep them well dusted and loved. And if that scary day ever comes, when Jay's face goes perfectly still because of someone else, he'll just have to accept that his time for pathetic pining is over.

Anyways, so. After Sunghoon confesses his love to Sunoo.

All the boys are over at his apartment when Jay hears something. Specifically, he hears something in the other room, a sort of noise that feels like it was meant for him and only him to hear. After hearing it a few more times, he leaps into action by throwing his legs over the couch arm and storming into the room.

There was his best friend and his ex, both bent over in the middle of a kiss. All three freeze as they stare at each other in shock, to which Jay finally breaks the contest and scoffs, "So you actually did it. Wow." He feels his jaw tighten and moves to scratch at the back of his neck. Whenever he was angry, it always felt like a fly had landed on him and was walking all over his head. "Come outside. Now." He stomps back into the living space and yells for everyone else to come watch him teach a lesson.

"We're sorry!" The two of them are on their knees in the living room, bowing sternly with Sunghoon's hand on Sunoo's head to make sure his bow was deep enough. "We were wrong!"

Behind him, Jake snickers, followed by Heeseung slapping his wrist to shut him up. Jay's still standing over them, legs wide and arms crossed. "What exactly did you guys do that's wrong, again?"

"We've committed a grave sin!" Sunghoon yells a little too loudly, so Jay kicks his thigh.

"How long has this been going on?"

"It's 100 days today, sir!" Sunoo shouts, then coos, tenderly rubbing Sunghoon's thigh where Jay got him. It pisses him off even more.

"100 days and you don't tell us, huh? 100 days of you two fucking in my room," seethes Jay, "Oh, you're gonna get it." Before he tackles Sunghoon to the floor, he feels two small hands wrap around his waist.

"Hyung," Jungwon says softly against his neck. "Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad that these two are fucking," Jay starts, but Sunghoon cuts him off.

"Officially exclusive, actually," He grins, and Jungwon desperately shakes his head.

Jay grits out, "I'm mad," He points, veins throbbing in his arm. "That they've kept it a secret. That is a betrayal. A rift in our sacred friendship and trust."

"We meant to tell you!" Sunoo squeaks, smiling haplessly at Jay's angry face. "Really, we meant to! We're both just terrible at communicating!"

Heeseung snorts before bursting into laughter. "My god, you two are idiots. And Jay, you're not very smart either. Did you seriously just notice these two now ?"

"What's that mean? You knew?" Jay shifts his heel and turns, nostrils flaring. "That these two gloryholes were—"

"That's mean. We are sexually liberated people." Sunghoon interjects, and Jungwon blocks Jay from kicking him again. "Please give us your blessing, sir!"

Jungwon finally giggles, and seeing his bright smile calms Jay down a bit. He guffaws and looks over at Jay before saying, "I'll give mine to you. I recognize your affection and hereby deem you 'gloryholes for each others' exclusive use.'" His eyes flick up and make contact. "I know you're not actually mad, right?"

He contemplates biting his tongue and dying. "Just...wash my sheets. Throw like an entire bottle of bleach in there." He shuffles away after making one final pantomime of hitting Sunghoon, and nearly does so when Sunoo covers his body with his own to shield him. "You're not off the hook either. Just because I'm forgiving your deceit doesn't mean you guys are allowed to fuck in my room. "

"We promise we haven't fucked in your room." Sunoo blows him a kiss. "Love you, hyungie! We promise!"

"And we never will!" Sunghoon chimes, but he's already stormed off the bathroom to splash water on his face.

His shirt is soaked when he hears the familiar pitter-patter of Jungwon's footsteps, a pair of eyes shyly appearing through the door frame. "Are you okay?"

"That kid can be such a...kid sometimes," Jay grumbles, patting his face dry with a towel. "What, did he seriously think I was gonna get mad at him, when I was the one who gave him Sunoo's number?"

"Well," Jungwon starts quietly. "You did get mad."

"Only because he hid it from me," Jay argues. "You'd never do that to me."

"No, I wouldn't," Jungwon admits, walking in and leaning against the wall. "For many reasons...but the first being that I've never felt that anything in my life was something to hide from you. It's the same way for all of us, I'd bet. Sunghoon-hyung probably just got swept up in the whole honeymoon of new love, y'know?"

Jay scoffs, trying really hard to unfurl his angry eyebrows. He looks terrifying. "No. I don't know."

Jungwon sighs and sheepishly throws his hands up. "You're right, sorry. Neither do I. I don't know why I said anything since I've never even had a boyfriend." His kitten eyes perk up when Jay moves though, and he feels thoroughly placated just from seeing them.

"Tch," is all that comes out of his mouth as he turns around to ruffle Jungwon's head. "You've never had a boyfriend and yet, you're right. When did you grow up to become such a wise adult?"

Jungwon throws his head back and laughs, "Probably before you did."

Yeah. Probably. Jay takes a deep breath before walking out, and the idiots are still kneeling on his living room floor. "Oh, hell. Arise, you fucknuggets."

"Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!" Sunghoon salutes as Sunoo scrambles to stand. "I'm sorry, Jay. I should have told you sooner."

"You should've at least told me before trying to make out in my bedroom," Jay points out, rolling his eyes and getting himself water from the fridge. "God, that's annoying. You realize that, right?"

"We won't do it again!" Sunoo sputters out. The doorbell rings, and Heeseung walks over to confirm through the security camera that there was a very confused Niki standing in the hallway.

"Glad we figured that out in time before the baby showed up. It's bad for kids to watch their parents fight, you know?" Heeseung unlocks the door. "You got the ice cream?"

"Yeah!" Niki lifts up the bag, smiling from ear to ear. It falters slightly when he sees everyone positioned oddly within the room. "Uh...is everything okay?"

Jake giggles and pats the spot next to him on the couch. "Golden. C'mere, I want my watermelon bar."

Jay chugs his water and pours another glass for Jungwon, who's been standing next to him precariously. "Did you know?"

Jungwon shrugs, "Maybe, not really. I don't really concern myself with things that aren't my business."

The day went on as planned, with the World cup playing on Jay's tv, ending with Jake screaming into the hallway about how Korea finally might be making a comeback. It's exhausting and embarrassing, but it's always nice to have his friends over. They continued to hang out late into the evening, friends trickling out in staggered goodbyes. It's a relief when Jay finally looks over at the clock and it reads midnight, and only Jungwon is left to go.

"Hyung," He asks as he washes the dishes, Jay busy wiping down the tables and chairs. Somehow, Niki and Jake managed to get ice cream on the ceiling, which is going to be a joy to clean up tomorrow. "Can I stay over tonight?"

"Yeah," Jay responds without hesitation. "Is it because of your pottery class tomorrow?"

Jungwon nods, silent. They have an easy, easy silence between them. All knowing and too comfortable. He loves Jungwon all the more for it.

"You can take my bed."

Jungwon scrunches up his nose, "The one Sunghoon-hyung fucked on?"

"Technically they were only making out and didn't touch my bed. Allegedly." Jay snorts in disbelief. He's still sort of angry that his best friend failed to tell him about it over 100 days into his new relationship, but he hopes it doesn't show on his face.

Jungwon giggles, "You look angry."

"I'm not."

"Your face never lies, hyung. Trust me, I know." says Jungwon, almost sounding coy. "Let's just share the bed. It isn't like we haven't done that before."

"Sounds good to me," Jay shrugs and then takes his shirt off. "I call dibs on the first shower. You know where everything is, so just help yourself to...y'know, everything." He gestures to the entire apartment before scurrying away to cool off.

Time passes, enough for the moon to show up,

and it's approximately two in the morning when Jay hears it, the sounds of Jungwon being unable to sleep. "Won?"

"Sorry," Jungwon immediately apologizes, and a hand squeezes his arm. "Can't sleep, just ignore me. I'm shocked you even woke up."

Jay has never told Jungwon that he can sleep anywhere and everywhere except for when he's in his presence. Might be because whenever Jungwon's around, his protective instincts go into hyperdrive, keeping him constantly on his toes. "I was awake."

"Woah. So you sleep and snore with your eyes open?" Jungwon teases, and Jay can't help but laugh. God.

"Why can't you sleep?" Jay asks, heart thumping slowly against his ribs. "Are you okay?"

He could practically hear Jungwon biting his bottom lip. "Hyung, I have a question." Must be quite something to be able to keep Jungwon this anxious.

"Mm?"

"Today, when you found out about Sunghoon-hyung and Sunoo-hyung, how did you really feel?" Jungwon's so sweet like that. It's almost as if honey spills from his lips.

"I guess I felt the same way I always do," Jay admits, "I just felt...nothing. I honestly thought I'd be angry if Sunghoon actually tried to make a move on my ex, but seeing them today was just sweet." He groans at himself. "I don't know what's wrong with me. All of my friends leave me for each other."

"Hey, in your defense, Jake and Heeseung knew each other before Heeseung met you," Jungwon squeezes his hand again. "Those two are just meant to be."

Silence. After a few more seconds of it, Jay gulps and asks, "How come you never bring your boyfriends around, Won-ah?"

"I told you I've never had one," Jungwon sounds mildly annoyed, shifting on the bed. "I wasn't joking about that. What, are you trying to brag?"

"What? No," Jay mumbles. "Why not? You know, have a boyfriend?" He felt as if he knew the answer, but it was simply an unacceptable one to bring up.

Jungwon sounds sleepy when he responds with, "I guess I just haven't found the perfect guy."

Jay snorts, "Perhaps you need to lower your standards. There's no such thing as perfection."

"There is for me," And there goes that soft voice again, of defeat and regret. "He exists. I know it in my heart." It breaks Jay's to hear him say that.

In his head, the forbidden thought finally escapes the prison Jay's made for it.

Is it because of me?

"Jungwon." He says out loud without even thinking about it, and there's nothing more chilling than a name rolling off of your tongue as if it's always been sitting there.

Jungwon doesn't respond, though. He's already asleep and now Jay can't.

So he rolls over to face Jungwon in the darkness, night vision adjusting just enough to see fair skin and the harsh line of his jaw cutting through it. He's always been quite the cutie.

Jay reaches without thinking, to brush his hair out of his closed eyes. Why he did such a thing, he doesn't know.

Jay and Jungwon go to the temple.

There must be some secret club of hopeless virgins that Jungwon just hasn't found out about. He seriously needs to find it and join, because with his current streak of celibacy (that being his entire life), he might just be more Buddhist than Jay.

Perhaps the hopeless virgin club is actually just the temple that Jay frequents on a weekly basis, but Jungwon admittedly loves his hair too much and despises gray clothes.

Beat.

Without a moment's notice, Jungwon feels himself prostrate onto the ground, throwing his palms upward and then back together as he stands once more.

Beat.

Perhaps if he actually prayed right now, Buddha will find him a boyfriend and he'll be able to get over Jay.

Beat.

Shit. Are they really going to do this a thousand times?

Beat.

"Hyung," Jungwon whispers, quads burning. "Can I just do the three and wait outside for you?"

Jay shushes him before gesturing with his head for Jungwon to get out. "Do as you will."

He smiles at the monk hitting the beats as he scurries out, scanning the horizon littered with the lovely foliage. They're currently on top of a fucking mountain, and the only reason why Jungwon agreed to join Jay for his weekly visit was because he felt like Jay was feeling lonely lately.

He finds his shoes and plops down onto the porch of the temple, fanning himself. The view up here was actually very lovely and peaceful, so much so that he could feel the hole in his heart going numb.

"Hello there!" A voice startles him, and he looks up to see an elderly monk with his hands in hapjeong. He quickly reverberates it and they both bow at each other. "Lovely day, is it not?"

"The loveliest, seu-nim." Jungwon laughs. "It's unbelievable to me that you get to see this everyday."

"Trust me," The monk, who he learns is addressed as 'Seu-nim' Jung, practically cackles. "It gets pretty old. Sometimes, all I crave is a hot bowl of Shin-ramen and a show."

Jungwon giggles at that, "Are you sure a seu-nim should be saying that?"

"Definitely not. I'm only saying that to you because you seem new. Is something on your mind? Or are you with someone?" Seu-nim Jung asks kindly, placidly, as if back to his monkish state.

Something about him radiates safety, so Jungwon tells him the truth. "I'm actually only here because the guy I like is a believer. He's currently inside on his 50th jeul ."

Seu-nim Jung hums, "You must really love him to hike all the way up here."

Jeez, does he just hate being a monk or something? "I guess I do. He–he doesn't love me back though, which is why I'm thoroughly enjoying this scenery right now. Might be my first and last time being here."

The monk sighs, "For your sake, and I'm not saying this to try and push any agenda onto you, I hope it isn't. I hope you find what it is you're looking for, Jungwon-ssi. What a kind boy you are."

Jungwon isn't sure if it's what he's here for that's perplexing him, because in quite literal terms he thinks he's found it. It's just...out of his grasp. "Thank you," He says nonetheless, smiling weakly as Seu-nim Jung floats away.

The wind picks up eventually, flowing through his shirt, his hair, and it eventually feels like it's breezing past his soul. Jungwon closes his eyes and is halfway to being asleep when Jay finally comes out of the temple. "Won."

"Hm? What? I wasn't sleeping," He scrambles to wipe the drool from his mouth, and Jay scoffs at him teasingly. He gets a poke to his cheek.

"Come on. Let's drink from the spring and head back down. Dinner's on me."

"Of course it is!" Jungwon laughs, "You lied to me that the hike was only going to be fifteen minutes. That was almost an hour of straight stairs just to start doing burpees in front of a Buddha statue."

"Hey, no disrespect." Jay waggles his finger at him. "Or else you'll pay for your own meal."

Jay seems back to his normal self, nonchalant and detached. Jungwon wonders what he was praying about, what he was asking for. Perhaps he wasn't doing either and was just reflecting upon himself. Jungwon wishes he could say the same. All he got out of this experience was a serious contemplation in monkism and a strangely cryptic conversation with an actual monk.

It starts raining cats and dogs by the time they get back to Jay's car, so they're soaked and shivering as they start the journey back to Seoul. "Rainy days call for pancakes," Jay murmurs. "Let's just buy some from the convenience store and have them with makgeolli."

"Sounds good to me." Jungwon says absent-mindedly as he stares out the window. The sound of rain is perfecting the peaceful day he's had, and only hopes that it's doing the same for his hyung. The monk's words are echoing in his head. You must really like him.

That's an understatement, seu-nim. Jungwon probably loves Jay more than anything in this entire world. It's becoming unhealthy, because now that he's twenty-one and the world is wider, some serious questions are beginning to impede his life. Questions like, why am I still a virgin, anyways?

Jay's piercing voice snaps him out of his thoughts, "You're still a virgin?" and Jungwon's chokes in fear, the edges of his eyelids strained with how far he's stretching them. "Did you just say that you're still a virgin?"

"You heard that?" Jungwon gasps, gripping the car door rail as Jay makes a hard left turn. "Did I–did I say that out loud?"

"Um," Jay looks just as shell-shocked as he does, because he can see the whites of his usually drowsy and calm eyes. "Um,"

Jungwon sputters out, "Hyung, pull over." This cannot be happening right now.

"Okay." Jay manages out through gritted teeth, knuckles white. It's a scene that Jungwon's all too familiar with, and just remembering that college move-in day is making him even more nauseated. As soon as Jay finds a safe place to stop the car, he unbuckles himself and lurches out, trying to resist the urge to run. He hears Jay step out from the other side. "Won-ah!"

"I'm fine," Jungwon bites out, and he's so glad it's raining because he doesn't want Jay to see the tears streaming down his face. "I just...I just."

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Jay leans forward to hold his face in both hands, hair wet across his brow. "Oh my god, why'd you just run out of the car like that?"

Jungwon can't think, not with Jay's hands on his face, "Hyung," He cries, and he hates how desperate and stupid he sounds. "Why'd you have to hear it?" One weak fist hits Jay's chest. Then another. "Fuck!" Jay holds him as he throws a tantrum, not saying a single word.

They look fucking ridiculous, standing in the rain on the side of a busy highway. If any K-drama writers pass them, they'll probably be screaming Write that down! Write that down!

Jungwon wishes this weren't real. The real thing feels woefully short of being drama-worthy as he takes out his anger onto the hyung he's loved his entire life. "I'm embarrassed."

Jay says nothing but a "Yeah," and Jungwon can see the gulp go down his throat. "It's okay, Won."

It's really not. "Can I just walk home?" Jungwon asks numbly, not able to meet his eyes. He's so fucking humiliated he could die, it just of course had to be the day that he and Jay were hanging out, of course just had to be when they were alone with all of this context stumbling between them.

"You're gonna catch a cold like this," is such a Jay thing to say, he knew it was coming. "Won-ah, I think you should come with me. Okay? I think we'll both feel better if we get something to eat and have a hot shower."

He doesn't have the mental bandwidth to argue.

In defense of Jay.

Jungwon will never, ever know this, but that day when he offered to come with him to the temple felt like rain after a blistering summer, one where your skin chafed no matter which way you moved and the hopelessness of overheating was causing brains to melt and blood to boil. Jay had been having a tough week after lashing out at his show director because he kept on making extremely prejudiced comments about Jay's ability to speak Korean, then was equivalent to getting benched on the football team for a month.

It surprised even him, who had never lashed out in his entire life. He moped around for a while, being unresponsive and isolated in his apartment, trying to think and feel without having the immense pressure to constantly perform and create.

Perhaps he was insecure about his Korean speaking ability because he didn't like losing, especially when he was losing because of something out of his control. He didn't necessarily want to go to boarding school all that badly, at least not for as many years as his parents decided to send him away. It scared him that every time he stepped foot in America, the singularity of being on domineering soil would make his tongue thicken and the words he was so used to using change in an instant, pieces of him floating precariously and waiting to be tethered back to his being.

Jungwon was the only one who didn't make fun of him when he inevitably came back and began pronouncing words incorrectly, confusing grammar and letter placement, he was the only one who would kindly show him the correct way and not let out even a well-meaning laugh.

Jungwon is so fucking precious to him. His parents may have been traveling to some foreign country, his teachers were constantly managing his physical appearance, Sunghoon was only available through the other side of a video game headset, but Jungwon, he always managed to respond to his texts and call him every week like clockwork.

When Jungwon's mom died, it felt like he lost someone too, since she was also one of the few people who never slapped food out of his hands or scolded him about his Korean. Jay couldn't bear to lose him also, even if it meant sitting in a subway for almost two hours every week from June through July. Every time Jungwon cried in his arms, he wanted to assure him that everything would be okay, that all he had to do was keep on (dancing) and carry on, or whatever the saying was. It felt grossly inadequate coming from a person who'd only ever been taught to express his emotions in a way others could consume.

Eventually, he mustered up the courage to ask his dad for a car, and had to guilt-trip him into doing so by bringing up the fact that his parents had been there for all of two minutes. The car arrived just in time for Jungwon to move into his new college dorm, and the timing of it all made Jay burst with pride that he knew someone who was going to college, someone who was taking a crack at leading a normal life, let alone that someone being his most cherished person. Every time he looked at Jungwon, he saw all that he couldn't be. A whole life flashed before his eyes, of Jungwon getting signed to a big time law firm and getting that cat he always talked about wanting, having peacefully lazy days and exciting busy days. Eventually growing old together. Maybe.

"I like you, hyung."

If he had any defense to offer the jury for consideration, it was that he was in a place where he just managed to stand up to his neglectful parents. He's aware that it isn't a good excuse and that it isn't a proper apology, but after that disaster of him shutting Jungwon down neither have ever brought it up again and it's been a solid two years since.

Now he's royally fucked it up even further and has never been more terrified in his entire life. Everything is seemingly spinning out of control, and his best friend is currently like sand between his fingers. He's been looking over every few minutes to see if Jungwon's alright, and every time he's still in the same position: head turned away and blankly staring out the window.

He feels like such culpable shit, to the point where he feels this irregular heat choking him up in the back of his throat. There's no way that Jungwon's still a virgin because of...

How narcissistic, he seethes at himself. He shakes off the hair stuck to his brow before speeding towards the highway exit. It's his fault for even reacting to the statement because it's none of his business.

Once they get back to Jay's apartment, he throws his keys so hard onto the table that Jungwon flinches, and the thought of him being afraid of him makes Jay die a little inside. "Go—go shower first."

"Okay," Jungwon responds dejectedly, dragging his feet. "Can I have a towel?"

"Didn't you use one last time?" Jay asks, but Jungwon scrunches his face up.

"It's been a whole week since I've last slept over, hyung. Not using that towel."

Fair enough. Jay opens the supply closet as Jungwon's ridding himself of his wet clothes in the bathroom, leading his steps with the towel wide open and wrapping Jungwon in it without seeing a single patch of his body.

He lets Jungwon close the door on him and patiently sits at his dining table, mind running in continuous circles. For the first time in his life, he's unable to place exactly how he feels. The confusion has him shoving his face into his hands and desperately clawing at his scalp for clarity.

In the near thirty minutes that Jungwon takes to shower, Jay's made a decision. If it really is because of him, this mess is his fault, and it's the only right thing to take responsibility. Right? Right?

Jungwon steps out just for Jay to lightly push past him, face red. "Hyung?"

"I'll be really quick. Get in bed, I have to talk to you." Jay wonders what his face is currently saying, he has no way to gauge if Jungwon's mad or scared or happy from looking at his mug. "Five minutes, I promise. It'll be a military shower."

Jungwon grips his towel tighter. "Are you mad at me?"

Jay doesn't even convince himself when he says "No," even though he swears he isn't. This is just a fucked up situation, and communicating like real adults is the only way to unfuck it. He knows it's true, but he's never actually put it into practice before. "Five minutes. Tops."

"I'll wait for you, then," Jungwon whispers, turning on his heels for the bedroom. Jay would be lying if he said that hearing that sentence didn't make his heart jump.

He's shaking so hard by the time he's in his bedroom, where Jungwon's sitting and drying his hair. "Won-ah."

"Hi," Jungwon says softly, in that wonderfully soft voice of his. "You wanted to talk?"

Jay gulps, "Well, firstly, I wanted to make sure that you knew that there's nothing wrong with being a virgin,"

Jungwon's face falls, "Hyung, please don't," he pleads, turning away. "Please, can we not talk about this? I'm humiliated as it is."

"We should, because I've been thinking," Jay starts, sort of regretting everything. "Well, more like wondering what exactly you mean by virgin, anyways. You've definitely given someone a blowie, right? Or gotten one?"

Jungwon's face is becoming a brighter and brighter shade of red, "N-no."

"That's okay," Jay puts his hands up, "That's totally okay. What about—"

"I haven't done anything, " Jungwon whispers, and Jay's heartbroken. "I haven't even kissed anyone, okay? And I'm embarrassed to death about it, so can we please stop talking about this?"

"Okay," Jay can't help but wipe the tear off of his face with his thumb, and Jungwon seems to literally melt into his touch. "You don't have to. Let me just...fuck, okay. Let me just say this."

He takes a deep breath before continuing, because it just hit him how important Jungwon is to him and how much it hurts to be this stupid, "Can I try kissing you?"

Jungwon freezes, then looks up at him in interest. "What?"

"I know how it feels to go without something for so long that you end up getting scared at ever trying," Jay rambles, heart thumping so hard he can feel it in his face. "These things take practice, and I don't want you to be scared when you're out there trying to find someone. But you don't have to say yes, because you're not obligated to do anything you don't want. That's what real life is, and you can do whatever you want whenever you want. So."

Jungwon looks so confused and frightened that Jay shakes his head and stands up. "I'm sorry, that was fucking stupid, just pretend I never said that—"

"Okay," breathes Jungwon heavily. "I trust you, hyung."

It hits him in the chest and makes him feel like shit, but he's already committed. "Okay, uh." Jay takes in another deep breath before sitting closer to Jungwon and lightly touching his hair. "C'mere."

"Okay," Jungwon agrees a little too easily. He can see the breath in Jungwon's throat and his chest is moving like it's losing air. "Where should I—uh,"

Without explaining, Jay takes hold of Jungwon's waist and hoists his body into his, Jungwon gripping his shoulders and staring at him from above. "Sit." Jay definitely must be insane for this, there's no other explanation.

Once Jungwon's settled into his lap, he instinctively wraps his arms around him and pulls him in for a hug, taking in the fact that Jungwon's hair smells like his shampoo, and the clothes he's wearing are the pajamas Jay goes to sleep in. "You can make the first move, if you want."

The boy in his lap snorts, "I thought the whole point was that I didn't know how to."

Jay pulls back. "You can touch me, Won. Hold me, like, right here." He moves Jungwon's hands to his waist, but licks his lips in hesitation. "Whatever's comfortable."

Jungwon's hands are so warm, and he cocks his head to the side, seemingly bemused. "Then maybe here?" He removes them from Jay's side to have them rest around his neck. "I've seen this in movies."

They're so close that they're noses are practically touching, and Jay prays to Buddha that his breath doesn't stink. He really should've brushed them before impulsively deciding to do this. "Watch, okay? And don't get scared." He tentatively takes Jungwon's head as he tilts his own, and Jay sees his eyes fluttering shut. As soon as his lips feel skin, he closes his eyes and presses deeply, until he can feel Jungwon's exhale tickling his nose.

He doesn't really think to move much until he feels Jungwon squirm a bit, so he pulls back after a few seconds to make sure he's okay.

He's so flushed that his ears have become red, arms still holding the back of Jay's neck. "Did we do it?"

"Yeah," Jay whispers, gently running his fingers through his wet hair. "We did."

Jungwon gulps, "Can I have another?" He blinks once, twice, and a third time before Jay feels his self-restraint snapping. "Oh—"

Jay goes in for a second kiss, this time moving his lips ever so slightly until Jungwon reciprocates. He's definitely inexperienced, so the kiss is sloppy and messy, causing saliva to drip down Jay's chin. But it's so goddamn earnest he doesn't mind it, and it just makes him want to hold Jungwon tighter.

"Hyung," Jungwon begs against his lips, biting slightly in the process. "Hyung," He repeats, as if it's the only word in his lexicon.

"Yeah," Jay reassures gently, nosing Jungwon's closed eyelid. "You okay, baby?"

Baby. The name slips off of his tongue a bit too easily, but it's too late to regret it because Jungwon absolutely preens at being called it, a small whimper leaving his lips. "Hyung, I want another kiss. Kiss me again."

"Okay," Jay can't help but giggle a bit at how cute Won's being, deciding to flip them over so that Jungwon's back is on his bed. "You good? Is this okay?"

"Yeah," Jungwon pleads with his eyes, and Jay's always been a sucker for his pretty eyes. "It feels good, hyung."

They make out for a while, until their bodies relax and their kisses turn languid, knowing. Jay has to consciously remind himself to not grind onto Jungwon, because that's definitely crossing a lot of lines, but he otherwise fails to find a reason to regret it.

Jungwon sure knows how to make a man feel butterflies, he'll give him that.

Jungwon and Sunoo get closer.

"What do you mean you're a virgin?" Sunoo practically shouts across the table. Jungwon jerks forwards to shush him, as they're currently seated at a cake cafe and it was the only way to get Sunoo out alone without Sunghoon. "You're lying, right? Tell me you're lying."

He guffaws when Jungwon shakes his head. "But how? You're so, you're so cute, Jungwon! I thought you totally had a secret boyfriend that we hadn't met yet or something."

Might as well get straight to the point. "Well, that's not the case, because I like Jay and we kissed yesterday."

Sunoo chokes a bit on his cake, but washes it down with his iced latte. "Wow, no warning or anything. Alright. Wasn't expecting that."

"I want to know what people do when they have sex," Jungwon asks bluntly, and Sunoo lifts a perfectly shaped eyebrow, even more disillusioned.

"Really? Not even a segue that time?"

"You're the only one I can ask because everyone else is...well, you know how they are."

Sunoo nods, still smiling. "This is cute, really cute. I like this for you," He polishes off the last of his cake. Jungwon watches as he leans forward and threads his fingers together, resting his head onto them smugly. "So what have you done before? Handie? Blowie? Edging shit?"

"None of the above," Jungwon admits. "I don't even know what "edging shit" is supposed to mean, hyung. It sounds fucking scary."

"What? Have you ever watched porn?" Jungwon feels embarrassed when he has to shake his head at that too.

"Don't worry about it, then," Sunoo waves his hand. "You have a bottle of lube at home, right?"

Jungwon shakes his head.

"Hmm, well, that's your first mission." Sunoo boops his nose and takes another sip of his coffee. "Buy a bottle of lube and look up how to finger yourself. Jay's a whore, so I'm sure he knows what the rest entails. We've never had sex, so I unfortunately can't tell you what he's like."

"Jay-hyung's not a whore!" Jungwon sputters defensively, but all Sunoo does is laugh.

"Babe, it's not a bad thing. I'm pretty sure all of us apart from Niki and...well, you, are whores. It's an endearing term. Besides, you let Jay call me a gloryhole the other day, but do you even know what that is?"

Jungwon blushes and admits, "No. I don't."

Sunoo pats his head. "Ah, to be young again. I used to have crushes on my hyungs too. If there's anything I learned, it's that it either crashes and burns or you get over it. Have fun and don't take it too seriously, Wonie."

Jungwon realizes in that moment that he failed to mention to Sunoo that he's loved Jay since he was eight, but decides against it since it's not like that would change what Sunoo said.

Crashes and burns or you get over it.

He knows it's stupid to try and ask for another outcome.

He's never felt more virginal in his life than when he was standing in an adult store later that day, trying not to scream at the XXL dildos hanging on the wall. Are there people out there with that size dick? No way. No no no fucking way. Also, who would put that into their bodies?

"Lube's that way, virgin." The cashier rudely points off in a direction without even looking up. Jungwon thought it was humiliating enough when his crush found out, but this felt even more degrading. He finds the first bottle that proclaims the use he wants and slaps it down onto the table, fumbling around with cash to pay for it.

Once he gets home it becomes abundantly clear that he's way out of his depth, especially as he begins watching a tutorial on the internet on how to prepare oneself for gay sex. Just what the fuck is all of this? Does he really have to get three—he pauses to look down at his hand—of his own fingers up there for a dick to not hurt him?

It seems more work than it's worth, in his opinion. He gives up and throws the bottle of lube into his nightstand drawer and tries to forget about it, slamming himself down onto his desk chair instead to do some much neglected homework.

The efforts are futile. After an hour into annotating, he isn't thinking about the Odyssey. He can't, not with his lips and the skin on his neck burning where Jay kissed him. Dragging Sunoo out and going to that adult store suddenly felt silly. He places a hand on his neck to make sure that it wasn't just some freak allergic reaction.

He's fine, just twitching whenever his hands brushed where Jay's lips pressed, still feeling the warmth of Jay's hands on his waist, squeezing and ever so lightly holding him there.

"Fuck," He curses at himself. "Fuck. Why did we do that?"

He's confused why Jay offered to begin with, and for a moment he's thinking to himself that maybe he feels guilty that Jungwon's a virgin. Maybe it was just out of pity.

He recalibrates his thoughts when he feels another place where Jay touched: his hair. Jay loves to touch his hair, says it's softer than anything else and just looking at it made him happy.

If it was just out of pity, it made no sense to think that Jay had been enjoying it, right? Baby.

Remembering the word makes Jungwon gasp out loud and a shiver runs down his spine. He doesn't know how to feel anymore.

3 and a half weeks later.

It's been almost a month since Jay and Jungwon kissed, and Jay is ashamed to admit that he's never been hornier. It's not that he didn't try, he's been frequenting clubs and letting classmates flirt with him as usual, but none have panned out further than a quick feel and making out in a corner somewhere. Well, there was one person that Heeseung introduced him to, but he gave Jay the most sickening ick when he began bragging about how rich and successful he was. They met up once at a fancy cocktail bar and he quickly blocked his number afterwards.

Perhaps it's the guilt of ruining the innocence of his best friend, but every time he closes his eyes while kissing all he can see is Jungwon's cat-like gaze searing holes into him.

Enough is enough. He knows it's finals season for Jungwon and Christmas is just around the corner, but he can't take it anymore, so after his Nutcracker rehearsal he furiously and desperately books it to Jungwon's dorm.

"Won, Won, Wonie, Wonie," Jay rings the doorbell almost like a drum. "Jungwon-ah, Wonie, Jungwon,"

"What?" He hears a screech from inside the apartment, which effectively stops the cacophony. A heavy sigh is followed by heavy footsteps, until the door finally lurches open. "What? Oh, hyung?"

"Hi," Jay didn't plan ahead as to what he'd say when he got to Jungwon's place, he just knew he needed to see him, touch him, make sure that Jungwon was still where he last left him. "How are you?"

"What's the occasion?" Jungwon asks gruffly, the smallest sliver of a mustache growing over his upper lip. It's clear he hasn't had much sleep, and Jay feels even more guilty now for potentially having woken him up. "Come in."

"Jeez, school's really got you rocked, huh?" Jay laughs awkwardly, taking his shoes off by the entryway to swap for house slippers. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

Jungwon pours himself some water and chugs it, the adam's apple in his throat working overtime. "You didn't catch me, you rang my doorbell a million times and walked right into my house."

The apartment is a mess, clothes and papers littered everywhere. It makes Jay's fingers twitch in a need to clean it up, but that's not what's important right now. That becomes even more clear when Jungwon starts coughing. "Are you...sick?"

"Yeah, tail end of a cold," Jungwon moans, pulling his hoodie down over his face. "I probably look like shit, don't I?"

No, you're as cute as ever. "You should probably shave. You've got a rat growing on your lip."

"Fuck, I also probably stink," Jungwon trudges further into the dorm and disappears into his room. A hand appears, waving around. "I'll go shower, just make yourself comfortable."

Jay does not, as soon as he hears the bathroom door close he springs into the action of picking up trash and wiping things down. The household cleaners he bought for Jungwon are exactly as they were since he moved in, which makes Jay roll his eyes fondly. "My god, hard to believe a person actually lives here."

Jungwon takes awfully long showers, so by the time he's out Jay's already in the process of mopping the floors and all the windows are open to let the air circulate. "My god, hyung. You're an absolute neat freak."

Jay rejects that, "No, the rest of you are just slobs. I've never seen dirtier water in my entire life." He tilts the bucket and makes a face.

Jungwon sheepishly laughs at that, showing off how his teeth are so bright and his face is shining once more. "Okay, I admit it. That's pretty bad."

They sit on Jungwon's bed once Jay's finished, since Jungwon doesn't have a couch or any furniture at all from the looks of it. "So, did you just come to hang?"

"Yeah," Jay gulps. "Are you studying for finals?"

"I actually took the last one this morning at 7, hence why I looked like shit," Jungwon yawns and stretches out onto the bed, and every nerve of Jay's is on fire. "Are you okay, hyung?"

Jay chokes, unable to tear his eyes away from the patch of Jungwon's tummy that's peeking out. "I'm okay. Just...well...um."

"Hyung, you're like, bright red," Jungwon sits up to cup his face, "Are you sure you're okay?"

Jay doesn't know how to describe what's going through his mind right now without making things extremely awkward. "I dunno, actually."

"Tell me how I can make it better," Jungwon worriedly brushes his hair out of his eyes, and Jay feels electricity zapping through him with every touch. "You're worrying me."

There's a beat of silence, every second punctuated by a tick of the clock. "Jungwon-ah."

"Yeah," Jungwon responds immediately, crawling even closer. Jay clenches his fists. "Hyung, you can tell me."

Jay huffs, "Remember when—remember a few weeks ago when—"

"Yeah, I do," Jungwon whispers, still stroking Jay's face. This is fucking ridiculous. "What about it?"

Jay can't say it out loud, and the panic only rises. Jungwon is staring at him so expectantly that he feels like he'll pass out any moment. It's a good thirty seconds before he realizes he's been forgetting to breathe. "Are you gonna say it was a mistake?"

He wants to say yes, rip away from Jungwon, regain his sense of control. But sometime in the process of staring into Jungwon's eyes and kissing him, the weeks have just exemplified how he's gone too far and is drowning.

It feels like forever before either of them say another word, but the next one comes from Jungwon. "Breathe, hyung. Because unless you stop me, I'm gonna kiss you."

Jay's whole chest decompresses as Jungwon falls into his arms, head tilted exactly in the way Jay demonstrated and lips slightly open for the taking. He feels himself getting pushed onto his back, the undone sheets coiled in his shoulder blades, the light scent of Jungwon's detergent seeping into his skin. His heart feels so empty yet completely and utterly stuffed, and th eonly part of his body that he can move are his hands so that they could hold Jungwon close.

He moves again to hold Jungwon's chin gently and lead him as they kiss, eventually sneaking a tongue into the soft opening of his mouth. Jungwon makes a small sound and lets it happen, tangling his fingers into Jay's hair. It feels really fucking good, as if safety just crawled into his lap and told him that everything was going to be fine.

He moves from Jungwon's mouth to his cheek, peppering kisses down his jaw and below his ear, relishing in the way Jungwon's breaths are picking up in silent and adorable desperation.

He hears him beg, "Hyung, wait—"

"Hm?" Jay immediately pulls back. "Are you okay?" His eyes go from Jungwon's to his neck, where he's left a huge hickey right above his collarbone. "Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry,"

"It's okay," Jungwon's teary. "I liked it."

"I still should've asked," Jay rubs his thumb over the spot, feeling guilty. Jungwon gulps under his touch and leans forwards to nuzzle into his chest. "Sorry, Wonie."

"I liked it," repeats Jungwon. "I want—I want more. Please, hyung." He innocently grinds into Jay's lap then, and he feels his own fingers dig into Jungwon's waist. "I—oh."

Jay bites out, "Oh fuck, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, let me just—"

"Don't apologize," Jungwon interrupts, and then curiously moves his pelvis again. "Are you like this because of me?"

"Yeah," Jay sighs, "I don't even have an excuse." Jungwon moves again and he gasps, fumbling to grip at his hips. He pouts. "That was an attack, Won."

"I'm not sorry," Jungwon shrugs. Jay's shocked, since when did he get so confident? "I'm mad at you anyways."

"Why?"

"I saw you last week, at Vortex. You were making out with some girl," Jungwon looks annoyed. "I was planning on confronting you about it eventually, but I didn't expect you to show up on the day of my last final." He lets out a mean snort, the sound going straight to Jay's dick. "Is that your M.O, hyung? Kiss your best friends and then share spit with every go-go dancer in the metropolitan area?"

Jay feels even guiltier, "I was trying to forget about what we did." His honesty seems to shock Jungwon for a second, but his face turns into a pout as he grinds down harder onto Jay's lap. "But I—ah, fuck, want you to know that I couldn't. I couldn't forget. But..." His voice trails off, eyes stinging.

"But?" Jungwon starts to cry, as if he's been holding it this entire time, kneeling up to scramble away from Jay. "You came here to tell me that it was all a mistake, right? You regret ever doing it and you want me to forget?"

Yes, Jay wants to say. Stay away from me. You deserve better than me. However, he's always been a selfish bastard. "I don't regret it. I loved kissing you, Jungwon." The word love makes his heart skip, as if he's surprised himself, so he backtracks, as he knew he would. "But you should sta—stay away from me because you...you deserve better."

Jungwon stands up and backs away from the bed, clutching himself. His hair is messed up and half-dry, his hoodie wrinkly and missing one of his socks. Jay can hear him sniffling, and every tiny shake of his body breaks his heart just a little more.

"But why not?" His voice is quaking, and all Jay wants is to cry with him. "You—you got Heeseung-hyung a promise ring three months into your relationship. You got a cat with your last girlfriend. You're not that non-committal asshole who just sleeps around. So why not? Why not? "

When Jay doesn't answer, it's like all the fight in Jungwon's body dissipates. If he's being completely honest, the words don't even exist. His silence isn't intentional, but there's no way to truly explain that.

Finally, it's said. "You should leave."

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. "I'm sorry," Jay gasps eventually, sliding off of Jungwon's bed and stumbling back out into the living area. "Jungwon, I'm so sorry." He nearly trips as he collects his shoes, the humiliation heating up his entire body.

"Just leave, hyung." Jungwon chokes out, and that's the last thing Jay hears before the door slams shut.

A month and 3 weeks pass.

"I've been asking around as to your whereabouts, but no one seemed to know."

"What?" Jungwon takes his airpods out and nearly screams when he sees the person who's been running after him. "Sunghoon-hyung, what are you doing here?"

"So," Sunghoon is very clearly out of breath. "It took me a while to find you. I had to think for a very long time, you know, where would Wonie be? It was like playing a game of 'Where's Waldo' but ten times more annoying," They're at a park near Jungwon's old house. "Turns out, I'm just not as good of a detective as I thought. It was just my good luck that as I was visiting my parents I saw you galloping away around the bend." He makes a disrespectful hand motion of his fingers running.

"Okay," Jungwon's not following at all, he didn't even hear the first part of what Sunghoon said to begin with. "Well, ya found me."

"Your grandma!" Sunghoon says a little too loudly. "I was thinking this entire time that maybe you were at a friend's house or your dad's house, but you don't have any other friends and it's awkward being with your dad. It was my oversight, and I'm sorry." Sunghoon finally calms his breathing down to place a hand on Jungwon's shoulder. "I just never thought you'd come back to our old neighborhood to hide from our best friend."

Jungwon frowns, pissed. "I'm not hiding from anyone. My grandma's just getting old, so she wanted to move into a safer area so my dad had her move into our house here."

"Right, so naturally your grandmother getting old meant that you just had to move out of your dorm," Sunghoon says sarcastically, pulling Jungwon in for a tight hug. He tries not to reciprocate, but Sunghoon-hyung is so tiny and huggable. "I miss you, you know. We all miss you."

Jungwon tries not to notice how Sunghoon deflates when he pushes him off, "You'll live. In our group, friends come and go all the time."

"Not true," argues Sunghoon. "Never with the three of us."

Jungwon bites his bottom lip before shoving past him. "It was my fault, okay? And you're closer to Jay anyways, so I'm fine with being the one to leave." He tries to continue on his run, but he's stopped by a loud sound of frustration.

Sunghoon shrieks, "That's not true in the slightest!" causing a mom with her kid to scurry away from them. "Wonie, come back here! You're being so immature, you know that?"

At that moment, something inside of Jungwon snaps. His resolve to silently drift away from the group crumbles and all he can think about is how peaceful and stunningly gorgeous the scenery's been for the last two months. Just as he was getting used to escorting his grandmother around and finally focusing on his studies, Jay managed to slip back into his life like a bad taste in his mouth.

He's stopped by a red traffic light anyways, so he turns around. The meanest and coldest laugh escapes from his lips as he spews, "Me? Immature? You know, I don't know why but, my being "immature" and "too much of a kid" has made my life so fucking hard. It's so fucking annoying and maybe, maybe I just wanted it to stop." He feels deranged having a screaming match with Sunghoon in the middle of the street, but he couldn't care less.

"I understand you're angry, but you should try to talk to him about it, please," begs Sunghoon, and all Jungwon can do is scoff. "You haven't seen him, Wonie, he hasn't been okay. And—and you know how he is, Won, he'll say that he's fine but he doesn't eat and he doesn't sleep and he's just bad with his feelings, you know? Just give him a chance to explain."

"Do you know what he said to me after kissing me?" Jungwon nearly bites his tongue from saying it so fast, "He said that I needed to stay away from him because I deserve better. And at the time I thought it was bullshit, but I'm starting to think I'm better off."

Sunghoon doesn't even flinch at the admission. So he knows.

"Wonie,"

"Stop calling me, stop trying to get Sunoo to call me, stop adding me to group chats, just stop." Jungwon shoves his airpods back in and runs when the light turns green. "Goodbye."

Sunghoon shouts after him, "He loves you the most! He always says I'm his favorite, but he's lying! There's no one else he'd do the things he does for! He loves you the most! Remember that!"

Jungwon runs for another two hours in the opposite direction, sprinting harder every time Jay showed up in his head and not caring how long it was going to take him to get back. He blasted the angriest playlist he had and didn't care that four cars almost bumped into him. Or that his phone was ringing in his pocket.

By the time he gets back home with the groceries his grandma had asked for, the sun was down and he's so dizzy he's on the verge of throwing up. The door sings as it's being unlocked and the smell of his grandma's cooking hits him in the face. "Hi, gran."

"Oh, Jungwon," His grandma's fluffy head of permed hair comes into view. "You know, your friend was just here!"

He freezes. "Who?"

"I tried calling you, but you took so long, and he said he had to leave to make it to his rehearsal." She smiles warmly at him. "You know, the handsome one?"

"They're all handsome," Jungwon swallows. "Which one, specifically?"

"Jongseong," Grandma sing-songs, and she looks very pleased. "He's such a good boy, I'm so happy that you guys are still friends after all this time."

Jungwon feels sick. "Did he say why he stopped by?"

"To see me, ha! But also to give you this," His grandma hands him a small envelope with her wet hand, as she was just washing the dishes. The water droplets make the ink bleed and spread as Jungwon stares at it, but it was all too obvious who it was for and who wrote it in this horrific penmanship. "Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes, go rest! You must be hungry."

He throws his shoes off and runs into his bedroom, closing the door carefully so as to not startle her. His mouth feels like cotton as he runs his finger underneath the flap of the envelope, and inside is a piece of cat stationary that Jungwon recognizes as being from Daiso. It's difficult right now to admit, but Jay can be so cute sometimes.

He unfolds the letter and tears instantly start streaming down his face as he scans his eyes down the page, so he covers his mouth to keep himself quiet.

Dear Wonie,

Handwriting's shit, you might not be able to read this. Firstly, I know I'm being a bitter stalker ex right now. Hoon told me where you were, so decided maybe try writing a letter instead of force my way into your life again. This is the only paper I had lying around. Pen might run out also. I'm just a fucking mess and I'm sorry in advance.

I've been thinking about what I would say to you after all this time. Not talking about the 2 months since we last talked, but the years I've neglected your feelings as well as my own. I've had a lot of time to think. I've been asking for advice from everybody, even Jake, who didn't know what to say, because his life is thankfully not as complicated.

I complicated this. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I'm really so sorry, and I messed up. I don't know why I never gave us a chance. I think I was scared. I was scared.

Didn't want to lose you. Didn't want to think very hard.

I love you. I hope one day we can go back to being friends, if you'll forgive me. I'm not stupid enough to want more after how I've been. I promise I won't play with your feelings like that ever again, and whatever line you draw, I'll stay on the other side of it.

I wasn't lying when I said I loved kissing you.

I love you, Wonie. I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

I'm sorry my grammar so bad.

Your Jay.

Later that week. After he's had some time to cool off.

"My little kitty-cat, kitty-cat, kitty-cat!

Look, it's you, Jungwon-ah!

My little kitty-cat, kitty kitty kitty!

Smile, Jungwon! Just one picture!

My little kitty-cat, kitty-cat, kitty-cat!"

"Is that Jungwon's mom?"

Jay jumps in his chair and clutches his chest, but it's just Sunghoon. "Yeah."

Sunghoon leans over the desk to look at Jay's laptop screen, his lips breaking out into a smile. "Is that the time our moms took us to the zoo and she kept on trying to make him take a picture with the baby tiger? He was scared shitless and the picture just got him crying with the tiger running away?" Sunghoon laughs and sighs fondly, "She was a real nice lady."

Jay smiles softly, "Yeah. She bought us so much cake and ice cream I threw up in the car. The smell didn't go away for a year."

"Wow. And we were such cute kids," Sunghoon laughs and ruffles Jay's hair. "How'd you turn into this?"

"You're so goddamn annoying," Jay groans, fixing his hair in the mirror. "Why are you even here?"

"Uh, because you're sitting in the dark watching old home movies and eating cup ramen, of all things." Sunghoon snorts.

Jay rolls his eyes, "Go hang out with your boyfriend."

"No, I already hung out with him today, now I want to be with my best friend, because he's depressed and being pathetic in his room." Sunghoon yanks the ramen away and starts obnoxiously slurping it up. "And I'm help-ing you stey on yor die-it," He says with a mouth full of food.

"Gross, Hoon. Really fucking gross."

They're about to start arguing again when the doorbell rings, and every hair on the back of Jay's neck stands up. It's a single ring that completes its course without another ring interrupting it, so it isn't Niki or Jake. Another ring. So it isn't Heeseung or Sunoo, who only presses the button once to be courteous.

"I'll get it," Sunghoon seems to have also recognized it, shoving Jay out of his chair. "Fix your face, because it's show time, bitch."

"You sound like Sunoo," Jay scrambles to change out of his pajamas into some real clothes. "Gross."

"Don't fuck this up," is the only thing Sunghoon leaves him with before leaving the bedroom to answer the door. Jay's heart sings when he hears the door open and an all too familiar voice rings throughout the house. "Hi hyung, is Jay-hyung home too?"

"Hi, little baby!" He hears Sunghoon coo, "He's in his room. I was just about to leave, so I'll see you later. Make sure to text me."

"Bye." Then, silence. Jay has his hand on the doorknob, but he's paralyzed and can't move. He feels fucking insane, stuck in a lunge unable to open a goddamn door. "Hyung?" Suddenly, Jungwon's voice sounds like it's right on the other side. "Can I come in?"

A hand pushes gently at the door, and Jay's falls by his side. A pair of eyes peer over the edge in a curious gaze. "Hi."

He's so fucking emotional that all the water in his body is about get cried out. "Hi," Jay chokes, the rest of Jungwon's body coming into view. "Holy fuck, hi."

Jungwon looks fucking adorable in his knitted sweater and baggy jeans, bright face illuminating the dark room. "It's really dark in here."

Jay finally finds it within himself to move by walking towards the windows. He slides the blinds open and tries to remember how to breathe, because not seeing your best friend for two months can really do that to you.

"Can I sit?" Jungwon asks, and all Jay can respond with is a nod.

There was no game plan going into this, but that seems to be his M.O as of late. Jay must be feeling super awkward and embarrassed since him even being here meant that he read his letter.

Jay looks exhausted. He's got two gigantic dark circles under his pretty eyes and he's somehow even leaner than the last time Jungwon saw him, which is so utterly worrying that it's making his chest tight. When was the last time Jay slept well or had a proper meal? He usually needs to hibernate for days and eat an exorbitant amount of protein, and if they weren't hashing it out right now Jungwon would be tucking him in and cooking up a feast.

Perhaps later. He taps the bed next to him and waits for Jay to join him. "So...I read your letter."

He watches as Jay's entire face goes red, jaw hardening. Jungwon decides to tease him further, "It was so sweet of you and heartfelt. I really loved the cat stationery you chose."

Jay slaps himself with both hands and hides, but Jungwon's only feeling bolder. "Hyung-ah, look at me," He whines, pulling at Jay's wrists. "Don't be acting cute now."

"I'm shy," Jay whines back, but spreads his fingers to look at Jungwon. "I don't know how to act. I'm just a little baby."

Jungwon rolls his eyes, "I read your letter and I'm here. To forgive you...and to tell you my terms and conditions."

The formality makes Jay straighten up and drop his hands to his lap. He looks at Jungwon earnestly and nods. "Okay, I'm ready to hear it, whatever it is. Jungwon can't help but blush, acutely aware of the thing in his pocket that he brought for this very moment. From his pocket he slips out a folded piece of paper, clearing his throat as he unwraps it.

He looks over at Jay once before flicking his eyes back and reading, "Party A, aka Mr. Park Jongseong," Jay seems to have caught on, because his face is scrunched up as if he's in pain. "Will hereby promise to never hide his feelings again at the expense of someone else's," Jungwon continues just to be cut off by Jay groaning in embarrassment. "And if he does, he will pay Party B, Mr. Yang Jungwon—ahem, that's me—a concurrent total of 10 billion won with every offense and occurrence."

He winks at Jay, whose tense shoulders begin to relax. "...The current running total, given the offenses having continued for over twelve years, is at 120 billion won...and counting. However, Party B will consider it paid if Party A gives him a kiss."

Jay's snort echoes across the room, and it's the first good reaction he's gotten from him this whole time. "That's a pretty expensive kiss. But hey, isn't that sexual exploitation, Mr. Law School?"

Jungwon shrugs, "Or you can pay 120 billion won."

"Ah, so it is sexual exploitation."

"Fine," Jungwon clears his throat and grabs a pen from Jay's desk, quite possibly the same one he used to write that letter. "Addendum: Party A can also repay the debt by giving a romantic relationship between him and Party B a fair chance, as he once described desiring. No sexual favors required." He hands the paper to Jay, who looks befuddled and so, so happy. "Sign here."

Jay jumps into the roleplay, taking the pen from his hand and scribbling his name on the rudimentary line Jungwon drew. "Should I put the date too? To remember our first day?" He looks up at Jungwon with a crooked smile, and the sunlight pours into the room like love at last.

They look at each other for a moment and Jungwon can see the tangible wonder in Jay's eyes. He tries to hold his tears back. "I've always loved you, hyung. Since the day I met you. That's my secret and my truth. I came here to tell you that, because I can do whatever I want whenever I want."

Jay moves closer and drags Jungwon onto his lap, pressing a kiss to his chest. "You wanna know my secret?"

"Mhm," He gasps as Jay starts lifting his sweater over his head. Mind you, he's still a virgin, so if Jay wants him to hear what he has to say he's gonna have to slow down. "What's your—your secret?"

"I know I'm not the best with words and I've had a lot of first dates, but if I have ever loved anyone, it'd be you, Jungwon." Jay murmurs against his neck, pulling back to make eye contact. The gesture of him thumbing the bottom of his hair as they stare at each other feels too intense to describe. "So much so that, I'm convinced that we've met before we were us, in a previous life or in multiple, you know? And even if I died tomorrow, my soul would just be restlessly looking for yours. I would recognize you no matter what face you had or tongue you spoke in."

Fuck.

"Wow," is all Jungwon manages to get out. He wordlessly decides to also start stripping Jay to make it even, because the thought of him being eloquent is approaching the uncanny valley. Instead of letting it happen, though, Jay rolls him over onto his back, a familiar position that causes a flush to his ears. "Pent up, are you?" Jungwon croaks, literally not being in the position to joke about such a thing.

"I've been thinking about you for months, Yang Jungwon. What I just said? I practiced it for weeks, so don't test me. Because I'm actually moving pretty slowly right now."

Jungwon's whole body gets jerked halfway off the bed as Jay yanks at his jeans. "Tch, yeah. Your display of patience is clearly your ultimate virtue."

"Shut up," Jay mumbles, unbuttoning his own pants and crawling back towards him with them still on. "Anyways. I think the first order of business is to repay my debt and give you a kiss, because I am well and truly in the throes of repentance."

"I agree,"

"And," Jay smirks up at him from between his thighs, "If you're down for it, I think we should fuck." Jungwon strangely feels like he could come from hearing that alone. "Rock ya world."

Well, he has to cringe at that, however, and threatens, "I'm gonna leave if you say that again. You went from our nation's poet laureate to a handsy SNU student." Any other sassy remarks get silenced when Jay reaches through his underwear to pull his hardening dick out, chapped lips splitting as he squirms and gasps. "Wait, kiss me first."

"Yeah," Jay whispers hoarsely, letting Jungwon pull him into a much awaited kiss. "My baby loves kisses, doesn't he? And I knew you'd be pretty down here," He bites Jungwon's lower lip and he feels like he must either be in a porno or a wet dream.

Speaking of. "I—I know what a blowjob is now. Sunoo-hyung sent me porn to watch."

Jay laughs against his neck, then starts kissing down his collarbones and chest, as he'd once done before. He thumbs Jungwon's cheek before sliding down his body. Jungwon stares at the white ceiling as he feels Jay's hands groping his hips and then feels something hot wrap around his cock, which must be standing at full-sail. A few more seconds pass and he feels like he's going to pass out. "Hyung. hyung,"

"Yes?" Jay pops off and Jungwon jerks uncontrollably, "Baby?"

"I can't breathe," he cranes his neck down and sees Jay's cheek pressed up against his cock. "Oh wow, uh, can't see you, I can't—"

"Shhh, it's okay," Jay squeezes his hands and kneels over Jungwon's body to grab a pillow. "I'll put this under your head so you can watch me, yeah?"

Jungwon whimpers, as Jay ducks down after that to continue what he was doing. It feels so warm and wet inside his mouth that Jungwon keeps squirming, unable to tell if it's good or bad or too much or not enough. "Hyung—ah."

Jay hums around his cock, the vibration making Jungwon's stomach clench and thighs quake. A tongue starts to flick on the underside of it, the feeling making Jungwon instinctively buck his hips downwards to try and escape. "Ah!"

"Yeah," Jay groans, pausing to fist Jungwon's cock in his large hand. "That's it, baby."

"I don't want to hurt you, but I keep—I keep—" Jungwon sobs when Jay's lips enclose over him again, and he can't control his body from thrusting upwards this time to the back of Jay's throat. Jay doesn't even choke or flinch and continues to rub comforting circles on Jungwon's hips.

Drool spills out of his mouth and drips onto Jungwon's balls, and everything gets slicker and wetter the more he thrusts. Finally, he feels it; the tightening in his tummy like a rubber band stretched too thin. "Hyung, I feel it coming,"

"Okay," Jay says when he pops off of Jungwon's dick, sucking gently on the head in a way that makes him cry out. "Okay, baby. Do you want to come and stop here today?"

Jungwon's inconsolable, all he can think about is cumming into Jay's mouth and his dick can't fathom stopping. He grits out, "I want to, but, what about you?"

Jay laughs softly. A hand moves to Jungwon's dick, then it slowly creeps down past his balls to his perineum. He begins massaging it, and Jungwon has to stop his knee from hitting Jay in the head. "Oh." He thinks about what Jay said about his soul finding his, well he might have to start now because Jungwon's definitely just left his body.

"Right here, baby," Jay licks his fingers and moves to Jungwon's rim, "You've watched porn, right? You know. But we don't have to do it. Just tell me and I'll get you off right now instead."

Jungwon knows he should feel terrified and nervous, but he can't think with Jay rubbing over his hole like that, but he manages to shake his head. "Please, I wanna make you feel good. Wanna be good for you."

Jay coos, "You are good. Always have been. Just say the word and I'll stop."

Jungwon cries out brokenly, his vocal cords already sore, "Don't stop, okay? Don't stop!"

"C'mere, then." Jay straightens up again to gather Jungwon in his arms, cuddling him close to his chest with his legs bent upwards. "So fucking pretty here, baby. Knew you'd be." A hand circles his rim again and Jungwon chokes. Jay uncaps the lube that was under his pillow and squirts some onto his fingers.

"You just have lube on your bed at all times?" Jungwon giggles into Jay's neck, pulling a blush to his cheeks.

"Got off yesterday...thinking about you. And you know what? I like it slick," Jay admits coolly, and Jungwon feels like he's melting. "Tell me if it hurts, alright? I'm gonna put this in you." He wiggles a wet hand at Jungwon and the audacity of it makes him giggle again.

It feels...uncomfortable, given that it's not a feeling Jungwon's ever experienced before in his life. Rather, it feels like something's intruding his body. The only thing hot about this situation is how Jay's reacting. Jungwon can feel Jay's heart pitter-patter through their touch, his breaths becoming heavy. "Does that hurt?" Jay squeaks out, as if his self control is being tested. Jungwon shakes his head again and looks up at him through his eyelashes. Jay breathes a sigh of relief, "G—good. You're so warm inside, I think I'm going crazy."

"It feels weird," Jungwon admits, but tries moving his hips slightly until Jay's finger completely disappears inside of him. "Oh, that feels...oh." So far, he's having a hard time understanding the hype of sex, why people kill for it and start cults over it. He's much rather enjoying Jay's strained neck as he slowly pulls and pushes his finger through Jungwon. However, his ignorance is destroyed the minute Jay's finger finds something out. "Ah, hyung!"

Jay licks his lips, "Yeah. Fucking found it."

It feels like someone had just hummed around his dick, sucked the tip and stuck their tongue all around him. His whole body felt that way, actually. "What was that?"

"Your special spot," Jay tries to explain, "Uh, yeah. It's the spot where you feel good if it's touched. I think. Yeah."

"So is that it, then? Is my virginity gone?" Jungwon teases, but all it does is make Jay's eyes flutter shut. "Hyung?"

"I'm adding a second one," is all Jay says before a thicker stretch hits Jungwon, and Jungwon looks up at him helplessly. "Does that hurt?"

He mewls in response, "No, feels good."

"Good." Jay's neck vein is showing and a small bead of sweat makes its way past his sideburns. He works more of his fingers further into Jungwon and rubs over his prostate softly, firmly, until Jungwon feels like he's becoming a puddle in his lap.

"It feels good," Jungwon wraps his hand around the hand that's inside him. He can see Jay visibly struggling, so he decides it's finally time to end his suffering. "Hyung, I think I'm ready."

"Yeah," Jay swallows before pulling his fingers out of him, and Jungwon moans at the loss. "Condom, gonna get a condom."

Butterflies begin flying around in Jungwon's stomach. "Okay."

Jay shuffles around his desk drawers until he finds what he's looking for, crawling back on the bed between Jungwon's open legs. When he leans down he panics a little bit, because that looks way bigger than a couple of fingers—

"I will stop if you tell me it hurts," Jay's soothing voice brings him back to reality. "I'll stop."

"Okay," Jungwon whimpers, honestly a little frightened, but he holds one of Jay's hands and watches as the other leads the base of his dick towards Jungwon's rim. They're both looking down at the same place, and he feels like he'll explode any minute now into a bunch of confetti.

Jay slowly pushes and pushes and pushes until Jungwon feels it pop through his rim, and he has to fight the urge to run away by staring at Jay's face while it's happening. His eyes are closed and his mouth slightly ajar. Jungwon realizes that it's an expression of ecstacy. Jungwon's making him feel good.

"Baby," Jay chokes out, sounding emotional. "Oh, fuck." Jungwon agrees, nodding his head and curling his toes. He's realizing that Jay has a gigantic cock and he feels both wronged and blessed by this fact. Turns out, he said that out loud too.

"Yeah," Jay doesn't even try to deny it. "Just breathe, baby."

"I'm trying," Jungwon sobs, chest puffing erratically. "But hyung, it's so much,"

"Almost all in." Jay kisses his forehead. "So fucking good for me." He mumbles something about Jungwon being 'tight,' so Jungwon's first thought is to try to pray to every god out there to make sure he doesn't squeeze his boyfriend's dick off.

It feels like Jay's been pushing into him forever until he feels hips against his legs. He opens his eyes to gawk at the view of Jay fully inside him. "Oh!"

He's met with a dark look that lacks it's own category in Jay's many facial expressions. "Now your virginity is gone," Jay licks his tongue over his teeth, then leans down to give Jungwon a kiss. "You okay?"

Jungwon can't move, because he's honestly scared to, but he nods nonetheless. "I'm okay. I just feel really full."

"Hm," Jay whistles when he looks down. "Damn, that's hot. Really hot."

They then stay there for a second before Jungwon asks, "What now?"

"Don't act innocent, Won-ah. You've seen porn." Jay teases, a silly and lopsided smile on his face.

Jungwon finds it within himself to smirk slyly, "Yeah, I have. So I know that if I do this," he clenches down and Jay shudders, "It'll feel good for you."

"You know, I'm trying to be nice to you for your first time, but you're making it so hard," Jay mumbles against Jungwon's lips. "I'm gonna move. Don't freak out if anything happens, okay?"

The thought of Jay being mean to him during sex makes his cock twitch, because all his life Jay's only ever treated him like he was a delicate thing about to break. He doesn't have much time to think about it further because he's yanked out of his thoughts, feels Jay pull back slightly and then press in again, causing his breath to get knocked out of his lungs. "H-hyung,"

"I know, I know," Jay consoles, repeating his actions again and again until his hips are fully pulling and pushing the whole length of his cock into Jungwon. "Trying to find it again, baby, just hold on."

"Agh," is all Jungwon manages to say, toes wiggling. "Oh god, that feels strange."

When Jay hits it again, he yelps at the sensation and holds Jay's biceps, eyes fixed on where they're joined. He manages a laugh. "You know, this is really erotic."

Jay sputters in disbelief before completely crumpling on top of Jungwon, making more noises of disdain and bemusement. "There goes my plan of being cool and sexy."

"You had a plan?" Jungwon snickers, eyes shutting when Jay kisses his neck. "Cause I didn't. I went in blind." He wraps his arms around the expanse of Jay's broad and lean back, running his fingers along his spine.

"I feel like I must be in a dream right now," Jay whispers as he moves again, rocking Jungwon's body back and forth. "There's no way."

"Way." Jungwon can feel his eyes rolling back. He can't help but let the whimper leave his lips, "Feels good," He cups Jay's face with his palms and plants a kiss on the tip of his nose. "I can tell that you're putting in a lot of effort, Jongseong."

Jay's face darkens, "Oh, speaking impolitely, are we?"

"Yeah, Jongseong, get it," Jungwon teases, rolling his hips up to meet Jay's thrusts. "Fuck me silly."

Jay stops and raises an eyebrow. "Just where did you learn to say things like that?" He refuses to budge until Jungwon tilts his head shyly and giggles.

"Sunoo-hyung."

"Of fucking course," Jay grumbles. "You're not allowed to talk to Sunoo about this."

"Oh, because you get any control over what I do?" Jungwon asks, still being rocked closer and closer to the headboard.

"No, it's just that I don't want to imagine Sunoo saying that to Hoon, okay? I really don't want to vomit while I'm still inside you."

Jungwon concedes, "That's fair."

They go back to embracing and Jay is just successfully hitting every one of Jungwon's live wires, jolting in pleasure and losing his grip as they continue to sweat. Everything feels sticky and slippery at the same time, the lube at his hole becoming foamy and squelching against Jay's cock.

"Baby," Jay's voice is strained and Jungwon feels a kiss to his eyelid. "Are you close?"

"I've been close," Jungwon sighs, twisting the sheets under his hands. "I hope you are too, hyung, because I don't know how much more of this I can take." The best way to describe it would be that feeling of potential energy as a rollercoaster takes you all the way up to the highest point just to tip you upside down, then drops you to make you feel as though you're falling. To be suspended and grounded at the same time as jolts of electricity reach out from your toes to your fingertips.

"I love you," Jay suddenly admits through gritted teeth, and that does it, Jungwon reaches down to fist his cock desperately as Jay's thrusts speed up in pace. "Won-ah, I love you."

"I love you," Jungwon parrots, and unexpectedly spills all over his stomach and chest before he was prepared for it. Jay ruts particularly aggressively just once before heaving and falling, as though his arms just gave up on supporting his weight.

His heart is so full, it's beyond bursting. He's left this goddamn dimension. Let's say it one more time for good measure. "I love you, hyung."

"Is that," A pause endures. "Is that me?" Jungwon points to the laptop screen after finishing his rhetorical question, because like most others, he knows what his own face looks like. Jay jumps out from the bathroom with his toothbrush still in his mouth. "Hyung...were you watching baby videos of me?"

"Fuck," Toothpaste spews from his lips as he runs to (unsuccessfully) shut the laptop. "No, you didn't see anything."

"Nope," Jungwon dodges out of the way and cackles, reading the date on the top left corner of the film. "Holy shit, June 29th, 2011. Is this when we went to the zoo? You kept all of this?"

Jay goes back to the bathroom to properly spit before coming out and finally snatching the laptop away from Jungwon. "Of course I kept it. Our whole childhood is in the cloud." He tucks it under his arm and then places it on the bed, shifting from left to right foot in embarrassment. "Sometimes I like seeing your mom and Sunghoon's old dog and when we were all just babies doing things in the summer, okay? Sue me."

Jungwon's face breaks out in an ear to ear grin. He knows it's probably one of his gummy smiles and he probably looks ugly, but right now, he couldn't care less. Giggling, he spins Jay around by the waist and jumps into his arms, legs wrapped around him and face in his hands. "You sap! You hopeless, hopeless sap!"