I wonder what went wrong during the night, even when I slept early I always wakes up feeling tired and exhausted, like I have been running and for a long time , I even tried to do some research on it but all I find is get enough sleep then you will be able to wake up fresh in the morning but it's been months now and I still don't know what waking up fresh feels like , but I have I used to be filled with energy and happiness even if there was little to be happy about, I always knew that each passing day is different on its own way but for people like me things like that don't last. Am still in school well I have like a year and some months left for me to be done with this shit. School has always been a pain in my ass not to say the kids are the ones making it hard for me to fit in and be normal and enjoy school, but everyone is built different I can't always get what I want or have it. May 13th, when I opened my eyes, a little disappointment filled my heart I don't know what I was disappointed about, little did I know it was the day my life would change for the better and worse, unlike most people I don't really enjoy my life, there are little things I would miss if I died, the thought of dying has crossed my mind a few times.
It's because of the hate I have for school and humans, I got out of the bed and walked straight to the kitchen, and I noticed that my mom was not in the house even when I know I didn't check her room I just had a feeling she was not in the house cuz it was too quiet. But that was not what I meant when I said I noticed something strange, what was strange was that I found my hard drive on the kitchen table. It didn't scare me or anything, I was kind of asking myself how it got there I always make sure my shit gets as far away as it can from humans. I know I am a strange guy, I got stupid stuff in that hard drive and things that could send me to prison if it happens to fall on the wrong hands. The contents that was inside the hard drive were not meant to be seen by normal eyes because it had gore and pornographic material in there and some real footage of people's life and even evidence, I had to save them so that I get to relive them over again the contents included some great memories that I don't wish to forget even when it means someone could find the hard drive and gets me into some real serious shit.
I stood there for some times questions were running through my mind at that moment "did I come home with anyone last night?" the question was stupid I knew I can never bring anyone with me to where I live and it made me nervous because I don't know if anyone has seen what was inside so I decided to continue with making myself breakfast when I finished I noticed still the house is dead quiet it's really not something am used to, the house being this kind of quiet always awaken my urges so I have to use my memories to draw the line and keep myself in check but that wasn't the case since I had this whole shit bugging me, it unsettles me in some sick way I can't explain it , cause I always make sure no one should be able to find that hard drive even when I know I zipped some of the contents inside I just felt exposed like am seen. I decided should call my mom and ask her about this cause I can't let it bug my mind this way it was going to ruin my day and there could be a small chance it could have been her who found it by a mistake so I decided to go to my room to go and grab my phone and dial her number.
There was no answer I tried again but when I called for like the fourth time, she finally picked up well at least that was what I thought. There was a voice of a men at the end of the line I quickly recognized it, it was my dad's voice seems like mom chose to visit him for the weekend I guess, that's explains the house being this kind of quiet " what if she went there to tell my dad about this I could be kicked out of the house for this and even worse I could be sent to prison and lose everything over this " a little what if thought in my stupid head "what's up are you ok , did something happen?" his voice brought me out of my thought "no am fine so is mom around I mean is she around?" I asked nervously "she is sleeping right now and it's better to call back later if you don't have anything important to tell her "He said in a low voice "no it's nothing important I could call back later if that's alright" I lied "that's cool do that " he said, and I quickly hung up. The relationship between me and my dad if I were to talk about it is that we are more like partners we seriously have respect for each other and more importantly we understand each other its blessing really to have a father that understand you.
This whole situation didn't seem like it was serious maybe am the one who left it there and forgot about it, I know things like this can happen. The day didn't start off good and I didn't have any plans today I was going to spend the whole day looking at some profile and planning my next release and my pc was going to be a huge help it always is, that was a way I spend most of my weekends every week it wasn't anything special.
I don't have any friends the only friend I had died in 2016 , it was unbelievable I still can't believe how lucky I was to get away with what I did and his death was like a curse after that everything went to shit I lost myself in the way trying to deal with the feeling of guilt but I got real good at ignoring it over the years, even now I still think of him I wish I could go back in time and do it over again am confident I could change the outcome and maybe he could save himself I aways like it when they try to fight back. A few week later after his death my mom suggested I should go to therapy and I do understand why she said that she doesn't know anything about me even when she pretend am a good kid deep down we both know am far away from becoming even a decent one and therapy is made for normal people who are fucked by trauma not for people like me and people like me can't be seen or let anyone inside their heads that's why therapy was never an option when it comes to coping with losing someone or even controlling my feelings cause am a different mess the one that can't be fixed , at least that's what I think . I went back to my room to continue pleading on my misery.
I received a call hours later I didn't know how much time had passed, I was glued into the screen of my pc playing devil may cry 3, it's not the best game but it's something. I picked the phone up without even looking at the number "hi who is this "I said annoyed "dude this is Frank what's up with you did you hit your head or something" he said in a playful yet annoying voice "why are you calling did something happen?" I asked hoping you could sense that am trying to cut the call short "dude am at the bus stop in the town, come to pick me up asap I just arrived your mom said I should stay with you for a few days" "why would she say that am old enough to spend the night or a few nights by myself?" I asked, "just come get me man we will talk once you get here so now is not the time for that and its's getting late" "alright Frank am coming stay there and don't move if I get there and I see that you're not there am leaving got that?" I said trying to make myself clear "alright man chill, chill I hear you alright you really think I will still fuck with you like we're nine years olds grow the fuck up trick or treating is no more so get your ass here man it's starting to get dark and talking like this waste a good amount of time kid" I didn't reply to that I just put the phone away and grabbed my pocket knife and got myself ready to go.
The sun was preparing to set and now I realise he was right, it sure is getting late and this town is dangerous it's not safe to be at the bus stop alone you never know what's wondering in the deep darks of the night. I didn't waste time finding a taxi it's the one that found me the ride to the bus stop creeped me out a little I have to admit , I was surprised about how fast it got dark and as I thought that was the worst of it I realised I don't know where we are "sir where are you taking me I don't think I recognise this road " I asked reaching for my back pocket for the phone and knife in case he is thinking about kidnapping me then he don't have a fucking idea of what the fuck he is getting himself into "am taking you to the bus stop you told me about " he said without glancing at me in the rare view mirror " yeah then why can't I recognise the road then?" "Relax we're here "I looked at the side of the road where the bus stop is and then I saw him standing there like a lonely tooth all alone I felt bad for doing this to him. He was the only person in my family who I can say I get along with or should I say I tolerate him, I think he is cool, when my so called family accused me of shit he was the only one stepping up for me backing me up when I had no one even when some of the thing I was accused of were true he still had my back. After he got into the taxi, I said to the old taxi man "take us to the first spot you saw me and try to be a little fast it's getting cold ""no problem" he said turning his focus into the road.
I realised how quiet he has been since he got into the taxi something did happen and he doesn't want to tell me about it, it's best to let him rest for now. The town is little quiet too today I can't say its's unusual as a not out going person like me can't jump into conclusions, I don't consider myself an introvert people think I am but am not, "we're here partner it was a little long ride I hope you enjoyed it" I paid him his money we got out and rushed into the house our house wasn't far away from the road so it didn't took us that long to get there I showed him to the spare bedroom where he would be staying, .."are you hungry ? do you want something to eat"... "no man am little stressed I don't think am hungry I would like to head to bed now if you don't mind it was a long day "... "Sure, man go ahead and knock yourself out "... he went in and closed the door I did the same and went inside my room to see if I can get some sleep too. It was still too early to go to bed and a person like me doesn't want to force himself to sleep because I have a little habit of letting my mind wonder around and end up hurting my feelings. I decided to not sleep and sit in my chair staring at my computer not knowing what to do.
I was done with playing games for the day and that's mostly what I do with my day if am not in school, I wish I had talent like other kids, I wish my parents were worth shit or rich at least and mostly important I wish I could stop feeling shit about my life and how every single decision I make somehow fucks my life in in the most unpredictable way and sadly can't talk to anyone about it , I don't have anyone and I don't even have a future am too stupid to get average or good grade that can get me a job and with a guy who doesn't have a single skill or talent the only good paying job I can get would be being a cop. I fell asleep in my table for a short so time because I was so damn lost in my head trying to figure out what I can do with my time because I wanted to keep my mind busy so it could not wonder around and sadly just like everything else I try to do in my life I failed. I didn't know what time it was I didn't want to check since knowing will be as useless as me and my life, so I went outside to get some fresh air, if I was a smoker now could have been the perfect time to get some poison into my system but I never understood why people really smoke , I don't see any positive outcome from the ones who do it but there is this little thing in my brain that always tells me to try it and see if I could like it but I chose to ignore it and keep it down there. Tomorrow is a big day for me and even when my mind is little troubled, I know I need to get some rest, so I wake up in time, so I don't miss the morning run, I went back inside and decided to call it a night.
The girl who joins me for the morning runs, she is an early bird usually wakes up at 5:45 am and then takes a shower that last about 30 minutes and she finish around 6:15 then at around 6:34 she begins her run. The mourning runs has been going on for a while now, I started joining her few a weeks ago, she is kind and somewhat sweet at the same time, I happen to enjoy her company more than I did with the others, her skin is light and sometimes it can look a bit pale, that was some of the little details I noticed about her. I begin my run knowing damn well that if I drop my pace just a little, she will be able to catch me, I really hope she does, I mean she is the main reason why I started jogging at the first place.
Sunday is usually a where I don't have anything else to do and I had this feeling that kept telling me to try and ask her out and see if she would agree or not , it would hurt my feeling a bit if she says no but at least the worst she can say is no and I know she doesn't have a boyfriend so that sort of boosted my chances by 1 percent and as a guy who have never been in love or fallen for any other women I told myself that I could just give this all up for the right girl and right I mean her I think she is near perfect in my eyes I think she is the only women who I happen to imagine my life with I told myself for the millionth times that if it happens I end up with her I would stop doing all those sick things I have been doing and focus my attention on her and experience what loving a human being feels like before I die .
I didn't realize how much I have jogged and I was busy thinking about the first time I have gotten to know her, it's crazy how I only think about her only on Sunday it looks like am starting to do good when it comes to controlling my urges I hope I continue like this I really like her and at the moment she is the only one I have my eyes on. I know it won't be able to keep going like this, soon I will be forced to act. I look behind me hoping to find her a few mitres behind me, but she wasn't there, the road was empty no cars in place even in the ones that are parked outside they were not there I stop at the bus stop near the T junction and decided to rest for a minute.
I looked around and still there were no cars in sight I started to realize how lonely I am and how I have been ignoring the fact that my whole life I never really had anyone I lost the only friend I had and even my family ignores me, I don't do well at school am doing form 4 and still can't keep up with the school work, I know am the blame for that I know I have no one to blame but me even making it to form 4 was nothing but luck and on top of that I don't have any talent or let me simple say am not good at anything , I waste my time it's all I ever do my mother even started to lose interest in me or she has already did ad am the one who hasn't noticed it yet. Thinking about this brought tears to my eyes, I hate how my mind does this to me, I hate how this is the way I live my life , I hate the fact that my reality is not real and still am not doing enough to get back to earth my mind is somehow my own enemy that has already won the war, I can't control myself am not in control am on the same boat as porn addicts, I have already made this my character and I have no one to blame it's just me vs me.
I did try to change my ways and become somethings different, but I can't. The girl who I had hoped would've caught up to me was nowhere to be found, maybe she noticed me and took a different route to avoid me I can't say I blame her if she did am not something people would want to tag along with. It was getting late, and Frank was alone at home I had to walk back home before he started messing around in my room, but I have known him for quite some time now and I can safely say he not the type of guy who would creep around on someone's room. The walk home was long and I just started to realize how stupid it was to do this , I wasn't getting anything from doing this and tomorrow is Monday, I should be using my time wisely but here I am out here wasting the little time I have left stalking a girl who might secretly hates me.
The walk back home was long and the moment I got there I was exhausted; I didn't know what I was going to do to find out why I found my hard drive in the kitchen table I have been ignoring the fact that I have reached a dead end. There was no way I was going to know but I know I need to know for my own sake and peace of mind. I decided to join Frank in the living room, he was watching a football game, I never understood why people gets so obsessed with sport am the weird one. He was still quiet which is strange because usually he is annoying and it's even worse when he is watching Tv but today is different though today it's like he is a different person, but I just have to poke the bear "what's the catch man?" I asked "what? "He replied without looking me in the eye, which is a second red flag, from all my childhood he never talked to me without looking me in the eye even when his team is playing. This whole act that he has been putting on was starting to bug me even more than the hard drive because I didn't know if something was wrong with him or what.
Back In the days he used to tell me everything we were close but now I guess that's changed cause since he arrived here yesterday, he been acting weird, but I have to push him and try and find out.
"What do you mean what, am not stupid you know.... I can tell when something is going on in that little head of yours" ..."my head is not the one you should be worried about man "... he still didn't look at me as he speaks " so why don't you tell me which head I should be worried about then " I found myself for the first time praying to a god I have ignored my whole life but before I can even can even snap back he said ..." when was the last time you spoke to your mom" ..my heart felt like it was going to hammer its way out of my chest and this time it felt real , I think now I'm starting to understand why he was acting the way he did.
" your mom has been taken to the mental hospital she was given a brain shock but unfortunately this time she didn't make It back am sorry dude but she is gone now man am going to stay with you for a sometime while your dad is taking care of her , she can't stay at the hospital because your dad can't afford it " , it felt like time finally stood for the first time in my life I wanted to say something, anything I even opened my mouth to try and speak but nothing came out. Things seems to be taking a turn for the worst, I wish I can unwind and go back a week before all this, but nothing can take away what I had just heard. I wanted to ask when did this happen and how, but I know it was pointless, even if he could tell me, it still won't make a single change so it's better to just leave it. "Am going to get some rest "I said it as I was standing up trying to not show any emotions, but I knew I couldn't keep the act going so I needed to get the fuck out of his face.
I laid in my bed and tried to close my eyes but I knew it no use to try and sleep off the pain I chosen to ignore but there was no way I can fall asleep around this time , The relationship I had with mom wasn't the best, I didn't hate her or anything, when I moved in with her three years ago she seems excited to live with me , she used to wake up early in the morning to make me something to eat before I go to school which I was one of those days that I didn't have a single worry in my life .
Things were perfect back then I saw a side of her that I have never seen before even when living with my dad wasn't so bad , living with mom somehow became my favourite thing and I liked every second of it but a year after that things started to change, she started to become more interested in where I go and what I do which was starting to worry me , we didn't talk much I didn't know how to hold a conversation with her or even start one with her or anyone. I started to find out that she was not liking the fact that I lock myself in my room and remembering what dad told me about her I knew she was still a patient that hasn't fully recovered so I just made up excuses to try and cool her off but it didn't last long I was so damn stupid that I didn't find a way to keep her out of my room and me locking it wasn't going to help since I suspected she had a spar key. In 2021 around April just a few months before the covid 19 bullshit started I arrived home after school just closed for the first term of form 1 and it was a little late afternoon and I saw my cat on the kitchen table and I found her sitting quietly in the living room.
I stood there for some time not knowing how I was going to lie to her this time, but I know she heard me walking in and I needed to think fast, or I was going to raise some huge suspicions. "Mrs Jefferson has been asking me if I saw her cat and why is it in your room and why is it dead " my mind felt like it was betraying me , I couldn't think of anything , nothing came to sense on how to defend myself in this situation cause this sure was going to change the way she look at me " I found it near the road last night while I was out for a walk it was still alive then I guess it died while I was in school " I knew it was bullshit and I knew she knew it was bullshit but I needed to say something in my defence " where is it's insides ?" "Where is it's guts" the two questions she asked proved how stupid I was I knew she wasn't blind enough to not see that the guts were missing.
" That cat is not the only weird thing I found in your room Leo " I cursed myself so damn much on how stupid I am at that time "where did you get those magazines that are In your closet " she sure was into my shit and I felt naked I know if she put 2 and 2 it's all going to make sense now and if this gets to dad or any of my family members I was done. Things went to shit after that and I started to develop this little balance of hate and respect for her for not telling my dad about me but now that am little older I don't know what to believe I don't know if the little shift I experienced had anything to do with her telling them those things about me .
I don't know why I did all that shit and after killing my best friend I promised myself I was going to stop I can't afford to go to prison or be seen as a murderer. I heard a loud and yet so soft knock on my window and it quickly brought me out of my head , I don't know how long it has been since I was thinking of all that shit I did on my past that's fucked up the little good relationship I had with mom but my attention turned to the window as I heard another loud knock from the window, I didn't know who it could be I am not close to anyone who I can remember and who can even knock on my window at this time. I forced myself to get up and see what's hitting my window which shocked me a little cause no one comes to my mind that knows me well enough to do that. The little weight in my heart could still be felt but I can't tell if it's worst or better than before, the window is close to the table where my pc and old gaming chair is, so I have to move the chair aside to be able to reach the blinds.
As I was reaching for the blinds I wanted to just stop and get back to bed, I fail to see how whatever that is on the other side of the window will do me any good looking at how hard this day has been , I don't know if seeing what's on the other side of my window is a good idea and there is a great chance it could ruin the quietness I was trying to have in head and just as that thought was building up in my mind I quickly realized that even my own mind happen to be the one that ruins everything for me and on top on top of that I have no trust in myself and ignoring that knock on my window could be the only good decision I have ever made in my life, but I still wanted to see.
I pulled the blinds slowly hoping that knock I could have jus imagined it and I an go back and rest in my bed, I was a little surprised to see Mia and she quickly noticed me "hey we have to talk asap can we meet at the bus stop this is important" I can tell she onto something "if this is about missing the morning run it's alright we can do it next Sunday" I with low voice like I was whispering hoping she can see that I have seen the worst of today and am not fit for having conversation right now . "Nah we have to talk about this today cause it's really agent so please just show up " she didn't even give me a chance to reply, and she quickly ran off. I walked away from the window not knowing how to react to what she just told me and I don't know if there is something to react to. I stop about a few steps away and realise realised that since the run in the morning I haven't taken a bath and if am going to meet a chick this evening I need try to at least look good, cause am not quite aware of what people see when they look at me and it might be better that way but damn like Mia, am obsessed with her skin even when am not sure if I will ever get to be close to it , it's still an amazing thought to have and that kind of thought coming from me is so damn rare.
I have been trying to convince myself that the good thing I can at least do for myself is to try to take care of body but being in my head most of the time is slowly killing me and who am I going to blame if not me. I took some of my clean cloth I had on my closet and went straight into the bathroom and lock myself in there. I didn't care about hot water I mostly bath with cold water, I only use hot water in the morning when am getting ready to go to another place that make me regret being alive and being me. After getting in the bath, I started to feel a little sleepy, my eyes were starting to get tired, it's one of the peaceful feelings to get and I didn't fight to keep them open and for the first time today, I wasn't thinking of anything or anyone, everything seems to get far away and the noise in the background slowly fade away and everything turns black.