5-6-23
Eddie had tried going to the firehouse multiple times that last week and a half, but each time he chickened out, not leaving the house. it was too painful, but Eddie was supposed to go back to work today. he had almost a two weeks off, every time he thought he was ready, he couldn't leave the driveway.
Eddie sat in the passenger seat of his truck while Buck got in the drivers side.
"can i put my hand here," Evan asked softly, hovering his hand over Eddie's thigh. Eddie's stomach started turning at the thought of it, remembering how John put his hands on his thighs, gripping them tight.
he pushed through the thought and nodded slowly, gripping the door handle, but he immediately felt a sense of comfort. no danger was near him.
he put his hand on Bucks, rubbing his thumb on it. another spot Buck could add to his list of where Eddie allowed him to touch.
his bruises were almost faded, especially on his neck. he was getting some color back, but not all considering he hadn't been eating much.
"i'm scared, Evan," He admitted a few minutes into the drive, looking at Buck as he drove up to a red light.
"i know, baby, it's gonna be okay. if you're not ready we leave, okay?" Evan reassured him, rubbing his thumb on his thigh.
Eddie sighed, "why is this so hard? i wanna go back to work more than anything but i just want to lay in bed with you all day now."
"well, my love, it happened at the firehouse, you have to face it before you even think about working, that's what we're doing today." Buck told him, turning left when the red light turned green.
"i thought it was a normal shift.." Eddie asked with furrowed eyebrows as he looked at Buck.
"no, that was the plan but me and Bobby both know you're not ready. if it was hard for me to go back to work, it's gonna be 10x harder for you," Buck spoke. it sounded so... calm.
Eddie's breath hitched when they turned on the road of the station and he gripped Bucks hand. Buck locked fingers with Eddie's, feeling his whole body tense up.
the closer the station got, the more his breathing slowed, and when they pulled in, it stopped completely as tears entered his eyes.
Evan looked at him, letting of his hand and getting out of the car, walking over to Eddie's side of the car. Buck opened the door for Eddie, Eddie unbuckled his seatbelt and Buck helped him turn his body to get out. Eddie's eyes never left the entrance of the firehouse and he still never let out a breath.
Evan put a hand on his face, making him look at him, "breathe, baby," Evan whispered, pulling him out of the car.
Eddie shook his head, he physically couldn't remember how. his skin began to turn red.
Eddie's hands slung around, trying to breathe in but he couldn't, and when he finally did, his breaths were fast and labored. he looked up at Buck horrified. Buck put his hands on Eddie's face, pressing there foreheads together.
"focus on me baby, my breaths and just them okay?" Buck whispered, taking a deep breath in, and Eddie let in one and then slowly, they both let one out. Eddie's breath trembled.
they did this a few more times before Eddie calmed down, collapsing into Bucks chest.
"i can't do this," Eddie cried, wrapping his arms around his own body. Buck grabbed the back of his head and kissed the top of his head.
"yes you can, baby, i'm right here," Evan whispered, pulling away. Eddie shook his head no repeatedly. "yes baby, you have too, you have to face it," Buck murmured, wiping Eddie's tears.
"it's okay, i'm gonna be right there, sweetheart," Buck reassured him.
"do you wanna go in now, or wait out here?" Evan asked.
"i want to wait out here, i'll be in a minute," Eddie replied. Buck nodded.
"i have to make a phone call so i'll be right over there. when i'm done with that we'll go in, yes?" he offered, kissing Eddie's cheek, who nodded.
Eddie stood there... for thirty minutes just staring at the entrance while Evan was on the phone.
he doesn't even remember blinking. his arms were crossed over his chest and he never looked away. he tuned very sound out.
Buck came up to him, grabbing his hand as he lead Eddie into the fire house. Eddie never looked behind him, or turned his head. still staring straight forward. he saw his friends for the first time since the 24 hour shift from hell as he walked in the firehouse behind Buck, but still holding his hand.
he ignored all their hi's. Well, no so much ignoring them as he could process them.
then they walked upstairs, to the kitchen area, where he was met by Athena, Bobby, Chim, Hen, and Maddie.
"Eddie, Buck! are y'all hungry?" Bobby asked, trying to be as normal as possible. Eddie shook his head, but Buck spoke for him.
"starving," Buck said, looking at Eddie then back at Bobby, sitting him down on the couch, getting next to him.
Eddie pressed himself to Bucks side, "can we please go, i'm gonna vomit," Eddie begged, more tears filling up his eyes.
"you're gonna be fine, there's a trash can and multiple bathrooms," Buck whispered. Eddie winced at the last word.
"why are you doing this," Eddie pleaded, feeling himself get angry at Buck.
"because you need to face it. do you want to get back to work?" Evan asked softly, grabbing his hand. Eddie nodded, understanding where Bucks head was at. he sighed, laying his head on Bucks shoulder.
Bobby came over, two sandwiches in his hand, going back over to the group.
it wasn't expected for Eddie to socialize with all of them. they knew he wouldn't, just being at this place was hard, they weren't going to make it worse by making unwanted conversation.
"we eat, then you go in there, okay?" Evan told him, making Eddie's eyebrows furrow as he forcefully swallowed the bite of his sandwich.
"you're not going in there with me," he asked, his stomach turned at the feeling of good hitting it for the first time in days, but he choked the feeling back.
"I'll walk you too the door, but then i'm staying outside. you gotta do this alone baby. i'll be just outside the door," Evan told him softly, caressing his cheek.
Eddie nodded, taking another bite. eating felt good, getting full quick was the hard part. his body had gotten so used to barely eating, it was like his stomach shrunk.
so after eating half, he declared he was done with it. he gave Evan a couple more minutes to finish his and Eddie's, before they got up and headed to the sink to wash their plates and thanking Bobby for the food.
"are you ready?" Evan asked softly, grabbing his hand.
Eddie looked up at him and nodded, "it's now or never," he whispered. Buck led them to the shower room, which was different than the bathrooms but still a bathroom nonetheless.
Eddie stopped them a couple feet away from the door, letting go of Bucks hand and turning to face him. "promise you'll be right here if i need you," Eddie asked softly, tears falling from his eyes as he put his hands on Evan's face.
Buck put his hands on Eddie's waist, kissing him softly, "just say the word and i'll be right by your side," he assured him. Eddie nodded, turning around. he grabbed the door knob, hesitantly opening it.
he walked in slowly, shutting the door to a crack.
Buck just watched him do it, standing there with his arms crossed. he began to pace back and forth.
Eddie stopped in front of the door, remembering the evens the took place just before the assault. he smiled at the memory. he looked over by the sink, which is where it started to hurt.
he walked over to it slowly, dragging his hand across the countertop. he looked beside it, seeing the railing Buck was handcuffed too. he squeezed down, seeing the scratches on the metal from Buck trying to free himself. his eyes watered again causing him too squeeze his eyes shut, choking them away.
he slowly stood up, beginning to feel hands on his neck and wrist, but he knew no one was there. he turned around, looking at the stall.
his head started to hurt, remembering every touch and word that was said to him.
he looked back at the door, ready to run into Bucks arms, beg him to take him home, but he knew he couldn't. Buck was right, he had to do this, alone.
he opens the stall door hesitantly, his stomach turning. he saw the floor, stained with tears. the shower stall hasn't been used since it happened.
"just give me what i want and this will be over,"
those words kept replaying in his mind. he gave John what he wanted, forcefully but John still got it. he took it. so why was this still following him around, taunting him. why did he saw John everywhere he went.
Eddie's fear quickly turned into anger and he balled his fist up.
Everything John said and did to him that day kept replaying in his head, like a skipping dvd. Everything was everywhere. he begged for it to stopped, he needed for it to stop. he began to cry, slamming his fist into the wall in the stall repeatedly.
he didn't care about it hurt. he wanted to feel something... anything, over John's hands on him. Eddie just wanted to be able to show his boyfriend love, like normal couples do, but because of John's hands, he couldn't.
he punched harder. his knuckles already bruising and leaking with crimson blood. his cries got louder, letting Buck hear him.
Buck had never ran into a room faster. he immediately grabbed Eddie, pulling him away from the stall. he fell back into the corner of the room, sitting on the ground with Eddie in his arms.
"sh, sh, sh, it's okay," Buck murmured, holding Eddie tight, mostly to restrain him. Eddie cried loud.
"i just want it back! he took everything from me that night, he took my life away. my skins not mine anymore," Eddie cried harder, squeezing Buck tight.
in both their minds, they were remembering Bucks words from a couple months ago.
"you'll get it back, Eddie. i promise," Buck tried to calm him down but it wasn't working. he grabbed Eddie's face, pressing their foreheads together, trying to get Eddie to focus on his breaths. it was good Eddie was crying, not good that he was hyperventilating, again.
But the breath thing didn't work, neither did the right hug. the only other thing was skin to skin but he didn't know how Eddie react to that at the moment, but when he realized the breathing was only getting worse, he didn't care, he had to try.
"skin to skin, okay?" Buck asked, more so told. Eddie shook his head, "i need to go home!" he argued, scooting out of Bucks arms.
"listen, baby, we will go home as soon as your breathing calms down." Evan spoke to him firmly. Evan slid his shirt off over his head, doing this same for Eddie, it wasn't so easy but he did it.
he pulled Eddie's body to his, Eddie's head landing right above his heart. Evan kept whispering loving words like:
your okay
i'm right here
i love you
focus on me
Eddie tried real hard. he gripped Bucks bicep, closing his eyes. he focused on the sound of Bucks heart beat. he took a deep breath in, then lout another one.
"that's it, good boy," Evan praised him softly, rubbing his hand up and down Eddie's back.
Eddie put his hand on Bucks side, dragging in up and down it as well. his breathing slowly calmed, leaving him with hiccups and a hurt hand.
"see your okay, sweetheart," Evan cooed, kissing Eddie's head. Eddie eventually calmed down, letting Evan look at his hand.
"make a fist," Evan demanded. Eddie did it, easily. even he was surprised, he thought for sure it was broken.
"it'll be okay, but let's get you home," he whispered.