CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Our little stay in the middle of nowhere was (fortunately) cut short due to the rush for graduation—something about wanting to tackle everything before letting us go.
I was relieved either way.
I was expertly avoiding Erwin for the past few days; always rounding a corner when I see him going the same route, falling into a half-witted conversation with Carly (yes, I know her name now) or Miche or anyone present near me, and now locking our room door to avoid the same incident that happened the other night.
I wasn't kidding when I said I was a coward.
I was practically running away instead of confronting him about it. But it didn't help when he was so persistent.
I like to pretend and say it was easy to avoid him, but no. It actually wasn't. It took everything in my self-control to stop myself from running to him and telling him everything that was written in me.
I was determined to pursue the original plan and stop improvising. No more selfishness, I had promised.
And a part of me found it hard to believe he could ever love me as genuinely as he claimed. I knew a lot of people in my lifetime, I knew that they tend to never last.
It's not self-loathing when I say I was boring, it was self-awareness. I knew I had nothing to offer. I wasn't an otherworldly beau, I wasn't funny and entertaining, I wasn't a contender for a long-term future—not when I tend to bore people out if we spend time together long enough.
Erwin would be stuck with me: someone who could never offer him anything great.
He would grow to be tired of me, he would hate me. And then he would regret it—God, he would regret it! I was certain of it. He would see me for who I really am; a liar, a manipulative writer, a bore.
This was no good.
No good. No good. No good.
"I think I've decided." Marie told me one evening after getting back from the trip.
I sat patiently on her floor and against the bed, fidgeting with my hands as my head was still stuck in previous events.
"Decided on what?" I indulged her.
And nothing could have prepared me for what she had to say next.
"I think. . . I think I may love Erwin."
"Hey, M/n. You ready, man?" Nile emerged from the doorway as I sat up from my bed, dressed in a casual sweater and some ordinary slacks that could be found in my drawer with five more similar pairs.
"Yeah." I replied, pushing myself off to the edge to get up and follow him out.
"I'm glad you agreed to come out, you've been sulking the entire week and I thought you would bail on me!" Nile exclaimed, hands folded behind his head.
"I've been meaning to visit Marie anyway."
"You have no idea how nervous I am to meet her! What do I even say to her?" Nile exasperated, shaking his head with his cheeks adorning a usual tint that came whenever he talked about the woman.
"What you usually say to her in your letters." I pointed out the obvious.
"I've been too cocky! I couldn't possibly pull that off when actually faced with her."
"Just be yourself." I shrugged, convinced that Marie would like him either way. "She'll appreciate it more if you're not trying to be someone else."
"You're right." He inhaled deeply, giving himself an imaginary pat on the back.
As we exited the main entrance, I could see a familiar tall blonde standing near the steps, back turned towards us. And I immediately feel dread climb up my spine.
I stopped, which Nile took notice of as he also paused and looked back at me with a questioning look.
"What?"
"You didn't tell me you were bringing Erwin along."
"I thought you already knew." Nile arched a brow, "He always comes."
"Yeah but you didn't warn me beforehand!" I said in a hushed tone, brows knitted as I fretted.
"Look," he turned towards me with an annoyed gaze. "I don't know what happened between the two of you since you're like a buy-one-take-one duo, but you guys have got to get over it. We're graduating soon and you haven't talked in like a week. Do you really want for things to end this way?"
I clenched my jaw.
He had a point, but he also didn't understand the situation fully.
All he knew was that two of his closest friends were not on best terms. He didn't know exactly what had gone down.
"It's not my problem." I gritted.
"You're being stubborn, M/n. Erwin's been sulking the entire week as you have, you guys just have to talk and fix it."
"I'm sorry, Nile." I sighed, "I'll. . . Acknowledge him, but I can't promise anything more."
"One step at a time." Nile shrugged before pulling me along to meet Erwin on the steps. "Erwin!"
The blonde turned around and first met my eyes before flickering back to Nile.
I felt like my whole body was suddenly infested with little insects.
"Let's go?" Erwin nudged his head, making Nile nod nervously before the dark haired male began leading the way. Erwin didn't move as Nile walked past him with me trailing behind, his eyes lingering on my awkward form. "Good to see you, M/n."
I cleared my throat nervously, "You too." I shortly responded before hastily following Nile, walking past Erwin as well while holding my breath.
This was going to be a long and gruesome night.
The pub had an atmosphere that reminded me of days back when I was still a schoolboy who did his homework on one of the bar tables while my sister worked as a part-time waitress.
I'd be waiting for her shift to end every single weekday. I would meet all sorts of people who would tell me a piece of their journey and leave an hour later.
It was an intriguing experience. I personally found it interesting to hear about the lives other people had lived.
Today, I did not get to see the intriguing part.
We three sat on the round table, patiently waiting for Marie to end her shift in a few minutes. I haven't seen my sister in ages and I was both hesitant and enthused to see her again.
I still feel guilty for the role I played and what Erwin had told me days ago, but I was determined to set things right today and finally put the two together so that whatever delusion or misconception Erwin had about his apparent 'feelings' would be solved.
I was convinced he was just confused.
With the whole trip being away from Marie and me being the only semblance left of her to be trapped with. It must be that.
It must only be because I was Marie's little brother.
"Do I greet her casually?" Nile was a nervous wreck, his leg could not stop bouncing up and down.
"Be a gentleman." Erwin casually took a swig off his drink which was a lemon ale, saying it was for 'warm up' or something.
Everyone knew it was just sparkling juice.
"Hold out a seat for her." I added, not really paying much heed to Nile's anxious state. After all, I knew the guy—whatever jitters he was suffering from now, he would eventually forget once faced with the cause of it.
I watched Erwin carefully from the corner of my eye as Marie treaded her way towards us.
I was waiting for a reaction, searching for a look of adoration or affection. Just anything to indicate his fondness for her.
But he seems to be aware that I was trying to gouge a reaction as he caught my eyes by also staring at the corner of his.
I was the first to break away with a muffled scoff drowned in my drink.
Marie reached our table and took the empty seat, her elbows immediately finding a comfortable place on top of the wooden surface before leaning in to the palm of hand. Fluttering her eyelashes.
A womanly charm, I believed.
And I didn't want to glance at Erwin to confirm whether he was caught in the bat of her eye.
"Fancy seeing you boys here." She told us before turning to me and running a hand into my hair, ruining what I spent hours contemplating.
I pushed her hand away in faux annoyance, a small smile on my own lips.
"Your hair is growing." She pointed out, "Are you going to get a trim?"
"Do I look that terrible?" I joked playfully, making her shake her head as she grinned.
"I'm sure anyone would agree." She retorted, one that solicited an amused smile from me.
"I rather think it suits you."
I turned towards Erwin who spoke up from his seat, his posture relaxed as he swirled the bottle of lemon ale between his fingers—his eyes were intent on me persistently.
I bit back my tongue, "Is that so? What would you say about Marie's perm?" I shifted, just as stubborn.
She hits me on the arm, "M/n!"
His eyes never left mine, never looking to double check Marie's apparent perm.
"It's lovely." He said briefly.
I wasn't satisfied with his short answer. I wanted him to give Marie a meaningful response, shower her in compliments or something. Just absolutely anything to get him off my back.
"Is that all you can say? Erwin, are you trying to imply that my sister's hair is not deserving of any more praises?"
I could see the way his jaw clenched. He didn't like how I was purposely pushing him towards Marie.
But I didn't like how he was pushing himself to me. Not in front of Marie.
I couldn't allow him to bear knowledge of how much hold he really has on me.
"Simply speechless with how nice it is. Though I can offer more kind words with whatever hairstyle you're intending." He said directly to me.
"Funny, I'm actually aiming to be bald." I remarked snarkily, testing him as his eyes, not once, wavered from mine.
"Eccentric and certainly unique. I wouldn't mind wiping your head clean until it shines."
"Umm. . ." Nile looked between us with uncertainty, though amused about our exchange.
"Aren't you two adorable." Marie cooed with a loving smile, seemingly enjoying the banter as she has never seen me argue this openly before. "I take it, you're close friends."
"Yes."
"No."
I glared at him, prompting him to stay silent for once and be on his best behavior.
The rest of the night, I took stronger shots of alcohol just to have enough backbone to face Marie despite how much things escalated in the short time she had been absent.
I couldn't face her and know that I actually considered confessing to Erwin the same night he did. I had been briefly so selfish—wrongly immature with my thoughts. Absolutely reckless with my decisions.
I nearly forgot about the plan, getting too comfortable with her suitor on a little trip.
Looking at him felt like betraying her.
"You're energetic today." Marie mused at me as I finished another glass of whiskey.
"Certainly." I grinned, the alcohol hadn't kicked in my head yet but it was already giving me a false sense of confidence.
"Maybe slow down, yeah?" Nile slung an arm around my shoulder. "You can't have Erwin carrying you again."
I frowned as I thought about that winter night spent on his back and how it almost felt like a dream despite feeling I was more lucid than I had ever been.
I ignored the blonde man from across the table, determined to stir Nile's attention so that Marie could instead converse with Erwin.
I was quick to change the topic as I reached to pretend to whisk something away from his ridiculous hair.
"A fly landed on your hair." I brushed Nile's dry straight hair on purpose as though I was swatting an insect away.
He jumped from his seat and touched his hair, fretting over it.
I was satisfied, at least I stirred the topic away along with the imaginary fly.