CHAPTER TWELVE
The next few days had not been as hectic as the first.
Flagon has woken up on his 2nd day and was too shaken to speak, our assigned superior had said to give him some time to cool down since it was hard to recover from nearly getting frozen alive when you're in a frozen environment.
I agreed wholeheartedly and was relieved I didn't feel as icy as I did in the incident.
Yes, I still sneeze and shiver sometimes—but I would call it an improvement in comparison to the agony I had felt within the woods.
I was positive to say that Erwin and I were spending more time together. True to his words, we hadn't spoken a word about Marie or other people. It was as though we were back to square one, learning more and more about one another as time passes.
Nile was burying himself with writing letters. Surprisingly, he no longer begged for ideas. He had begun to grow more secretive, giving me the impression that the content of his love letters were becoming more private.
Meanwhile, I hadn't seen Erwin pick up a quill during the duration of our stay so far. It made me wonder if he even had any intentions to write to Marie in the whole week we would be here.
It was none of my business though, and it's not like I could write any either.
"Lights out." Miche told us as he passed by to get to his room, and I nodded before sending a small smile towards him which he reciprocated.
"Night!" I bid, hearing a faint 'good night' in return as I walked towards my room which was shared with 3 other people.
Above me was Nile, as usual, passed out already as he has always found it easy to sleep in the cold.
On the other bunk bed, I could distinctly recall the other guy's name. He just has an enlarged mole on his nose and likes to repeat the phrase 'time is gold'. Didn't really know him but he's taking the bed above Flagon who's still recuperating with his eyes closed semi-permanently.
It took about 2 hours into my book for me to realize they were fast asleep, bundled and curled under a thick blanket that I thought could barely defend us from the freezing air of the night.
I sat up as soon as I saw the door creak open and Erwin's head emerge, searching for my eyes before significantly lighting up.
"Is Nile asleep?" He whispered from the distance, making me nod in response and point above me. I could tell even from my blind spot below that he was sprawled across the bed since his arm was dangling by the edge.
"Like a log." I retorted.
We heard a series of footsteps down the hall which alerted our senses, sharing an alarmed look.
"Whoever's sneaking off around awake, I'll make you do a hundred squats outside early in the morning!" I heard the gruff voice of our superior as it neared to the room.
I gestured for Erwin to come in immediately, which he did not hesitate to do by carefully closing the door behind him with a sound.
He looked around and searched for a hiding spot, in which unfortunately could not be found in this half-empty room with only beds and awfully small drawers. And perhaps a wilting plant at the corner.
I scooted over the bed and held my blanket up, panicking slightly at the thought of getting into trouble especially when the punishment was not something I looked forward to.
He quickly caught on and joined me under the covers as soundless as he could.
We laid there on the same bed, a blanket covering over our heads to hide ourselves knowing we'll get into big trouble if we're caught still awake and with Erwin sneaking off.
I could feel his unsteady breath by the rising of his chest, giving me awareness as to how he also didn't like the idea of getting into trouble.
"Why're you out in the first place?" I whispered as lowly as I could, feeling the fabric of the covers above my face.
"Nile said to meet him here because he wanted to tell me something this morning but I lost track of time."
"Not a great idea to sneak out at curfew. Couldn't it have waited 'til the morning?"
People wouldn't believe me if I said Erwin openly defies the rules. Mainly because they have this presumption and carefully-crafted image of him being this perfectly uptight and by-the-books type of guy.
They do not know that it's the very text written on our books that he aspires to conspire. He was stern, yes. But he was a risk-taker who would break rules as he saw fit.
"I'll wait it out." Erwin assured, "Just until Officer Schmidt retires to his chambers."
"Funny how he gets a chamber in the middle of nowhere."
We waited it out together as we heard the approaching footsteps that stopped in front of our door, making my heart stop along it as my breathing shallowed.
"Calm down." Erwin lowly murmured beside me, but I didn't think his words could reach me under this suspense.
And so, he resorts to actions instead of words—hand slowly traveling down to my side to tangle it with my own. Holding it in a tight and secure grip that brought me back to my senses.
"Breathe with me, it'll be terribly noticeable if we breathe unevenly like rocking waves."
Our superior would notice immediately if the blanket rises twice with interval, he might even think I had two lungs to do such thing.
"All right, breathe with me." He muttered low enough for me to hear, his lulling voice compelling me to listen eagerly.
I followed his slow breathing pattern, trying to tear my mind off the footsteps that returned to the front of our door.
From the dead silence of the night with only the sound of harsh cold wind hitting the windowsill audible—we could hear how the doorknob made a sound and indication that it was being held.
I held my breath along it, completely forgetting about the little breathing exercise.
Before I knew it, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my body before turning me towards him to pull me close. Closer than we have ever been before.
I felt flush against his chest, the fabric of his shirt in direct contact with my face, his arms wrapped around me in a secure hold.
I could smell his scent so up close, my senses completely engulfed in him.
He was holding me close, under the covers in the dead of the night. Nile snoring softly above us, the doorknob rattling from a close distance, and his heartbeat more vivid to me than anything else.
It gave me a sense of comfort, one that eased my nerves as I melted into his touch.
I have never been this close to someone before.
I could practically feel my senses filled in his warmth, the heat that radiated off his body that made me more comfortable than I should be.
The door swung open and I could hear footsteps stop by the doorway, assuming that our superior was silently looking over our 'sleeping' figures.
I now understood why Erwin did what he did, it was to make it seem like our form was one, making it less obvious that two people were residing in one bed.
"Good gracious, Dok snores like a bear." We could hear our superior mutter lowly under his breath before footsteps exited the room and the door closed behind him.
We waited until the coast was clear—just until his steps faded to the end of the hallway and far enough.
"I think he's gone." I mumbled to Erwin as I slowly raised my head to meet his gaze.
The moment our eyes connected, I couldn't explain what kind of tension lingered in the air as I found myself darting my gaze down to his lips for a very brief second before I caught myself.
I realized this was torture. Absolutely torture to be under the blanket basking in his warmth with our bodies pressed so closely together.
It was torture in the way I couldn't contain myself, battling against self-control as I cleared my throat and pulled away to regain even the slightest distance.
I couldn't even see him properly in this darkness, especially beneath decently-thick fabric. Any semblance of light came from the moon that paved its light through the window, and even that wasn't enough.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled a quick apology.
"What are you apologizing for?" Was his soft question, one I could nearly feel rumble from his chest.
I averted my gaze, "I. . . I don't know."
He was silent for a few seconds before he spoke again as though he had mustered his words before speaking, collecting his thoughts.
"Does it bother you?"
I didn't know what he was insinuating and I was certain my silence indicated it.
"This distance, I mean." He quickly added, and I was sure to have smiled at his awkwardness if it not had been for the way I felt anxiety bite at my nerves.
I tried to play it off as though the close proximity had not been the one nagging my mind, I pretended as though I didn't even notice it beyond what it was.
"Well, not really. . ." I hesitated, suddenly conscious of my own tone as though it will betray everything I was feeling. "I understand its necessity. I wouldn't dare to think beyond what it really means." I firmly planted, making sure I hinted my supposed lack of interest.
I could almost make out a frown on his face in the darkness.
"What does it 'mean'?"
I feel as though I was going to die with how he urged me to elaborate.
"It means we're friends. Doing what friends do." I was winging it at this point.
Despite my previous claims of the cold being excruciating, I was soon swallowing back my words when I felt incredibly hot under the covers. I didn't know if it was the anxiety biting my nerves, causing my body to heat up as a response. In addition of being so close to Erwin and feeling the fabric of the blanket rub against my skin and wrap like chains stuck to the bed.
"Is this what friends do?" He questioned once more, brows now knitted together as though skeptic.
"Friends aren't afraid of physical contact, Erwin." I tried to look anywhere but directly at his face.
I was almost thankful for how dark it was, in that way he couldn't exactly see what kind of expression I had on my face. He couldn't see the painful slightest pull on my lip as I was forced to spin lies.
"Friends don't make each other feel like this." He says, his voice a gravelly whisper.
The hairs on the back of my neck rise, "Feel like what?" I queried, cursing for how my voice betrayed me.
"Like you could be my everything."
I tried to think of it in a platonic aspect, convince myself that perhaps he didn't mean it—that this was all a test in spite of how my heart pulled and twist painfully at the mere idea.
Eventually, I finally found my voice.
"That's not funny, Erwin." I forced a chuckle, hoping that in my amusement he would soon join me and assure that he didn't mean it. "You almost had me."
But to my utter surprise, he was serious. Even in the dimly lit room and under covers, I could still feel the way his eyes pierced mine.
"I wasn't joking, M/n."
The forced smile on my face dropped as I swallowed thickly and pushed down the blanket above, immediately moving to the edge of my bed as my bare feet made contact with the freezing floorboards.
The cold didn't even register to me with how my thoughts raced wildly in my head.
"No, no, no." I kept muttering in repeat, hoping to wake up from whatever dream this was. It was becoming too realistic, I fear.
"Listen to me, M/n." I could hear the desperation in Erwin's voice as he, too, pushed the covers down.
I didn't dare to meet his eyes.
"I'm sorry, it slipped out; but I meant every single word. I know it's sudden but this has been eating me alive." There was clear desperation in his voice, one that I was not used to hearing. "You don't understand. I feel deeply, strongly, and I don't believe I have loved anyone as much as I—"
"No!" I cut him off before he says the words that would hammer down the nails in my coffin.
I kept my voice hushed as I turned to face him as he already began sitting up and let his feet hit the floor as well.
"You can't just say that all of a sudden, Erwin."
"Why?" He demanded, and I try not to acknowledge the disappointment in his tone.
I grew frustrated with how he only saw the situation as it is. He did not expound to a more holistic perspective, he failed to the severity of his words and its potential collateral damage.
"Because. . . Because Marie!" I drew out in frustration, "And you can't do that to her. You can't just. . . You can't just tell her fancy sugary words and do this." I emphasized with my hands all over the place.
He went silent as he watches me, allowing me to catch my breath before I pinched the bridge of my nose—heaving an exasperated sigh.
"Look, you can't write her love letters and then proceed to trick me into whatever this is—"
"I'm not trying to trick you!"
"Well, you can't have both in whatever you're insinuating." I defensively said, trying to regain control in how my hand shook. "You can't be that cruel, Erwin."
I did not know what he was trying to achieve by telling me 'cruel' things. Cruel for what they are, cruel for how they made me feel.
"I'm not trying to have both, I don't fancy Marie like you believe me to be." He told me, brows furrowed as he gazed into me as though hoping I could see his sincerity. "I choose you. And I'll choose you, over and over and over again. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. And whether you like it or not, I'll keep choosing you." He stubbornly stated.
My throat ran dry as I processed his words.
While I should be overjoyed at the prospect that my feelings were requited—I was still ever-so skeptical. It felt too good to be true. It felt too surreal and heavy, my conscience eating me from the inside as I thought about Marie, about whether Erwin was even being honest, or if this was just another act of false hope handed by fate.
Taking in my silence, he stepped forward and clutched my hands into his. His grip was firm yet never losing that touch of kindness he always carried with him.
He gazed into me for a second, and I swore I felt my heart twist and turn in inhumane ways.
"And I'll love you in the only way I know how; with my whole heart, with every fibre of my being, with everything inside me."
I was lured in by the glint in his eyes as I stiffened and allowed myself to peer to see his face that was now more evident under direct moonlight.
I could practically hear my heart racing, my nerves going all over the place, my chest clenching in an uncomfortable way.
"I. . ."
No matter how many times I try to swallow, I don't think I could ever cure my dry throat as words suddenly hitched in my esophagus.
I didn't know why I didn't choose to be selfish this once in my life but I remembered Marie's face and everything she'd done for me. She basically raised me all on her own, provided me with everything our parents could not—and here I was, contemplating whether I should return my affections for her suitor.
They were supposed to get together, get Erwin to join the Military Police to get away from the Frontline, and live a traditional life in the capital of Wall Siena.
They were supposed to attain happiness in the expense of my own.
I promised I would help her. And right now, the obstacle I see is the way my heart pounded as he held my hands.
I tore my hands away hastily and avoided his crestfallen stare.
"I can't. . . I'm sorry."