It was getting kinda boring in Jiwoong's place, because Matthew had been waiting alone. He had been there since early morning, as he sneaked his way in, then slept through the breakfast. Jiwoong had tried waking him up, but he was too tired, he had spent the previous night studying for the upcoming finals. Finding no other way, his boyfriend left for work, leaving a note saying his food was on the table. They had long stopped texting over phone, even calling one another. Jiwoong would call Hanbin and tell him through some key words if he needed to talk to Matthew. It had become really difficult, but they were holding on well.
They promised not to let go no matter what.
Matthew woke up at around 11 in the morning. He found the note, then reluctantly finished his routine before eating what Jiwoong had prepared beforehand. Then, with a nice cup of coffee, he sat down to study a bit more, but he couldn't focus.
He wanted to know when his boyfriend would be back. Too bad, he could only wait.
He spent about an hour trying to study. I mean, it did work to some extent, until he realized that he should take a break. He turned the TV on, went through Netflix but found no will to start anything. He scrolled through his feed, texted some of his friends and got back to studying again. Jiwoong wasn't there yet.
Matthew's patience was running out. He was thinking about calling Hanbin and hearing from him when his lover's time of arrival would be, that's when the door clicked and Kim Jiwoong walked through. Matthew beamed in happiness.
"Hyung!" He sat up, gave a hug to his boyfriend who had set some packs of lunch on the table. Jiwoong smiled, "Hey babe, sorry to keep you waiting."
"Don't bother." Matthew grinned, "How was work though?"
Jiwoong pursed his lips, "Pretty tough." He chuckled, it sounded bitter. "I'll take a quick shower first, hm?"
"Okay..." Matthew sensed something weird coming from him man. Usually he'd talk about how his day had been, or if anyone gave him a hard time. "I'll get the lunch ready then."
"Hm." Jiwoong replied with a nod. He quickly moved inside, leaving the younger to wonder- what had happened?
Keeping his worries at rest, first, Matthew arranged the lunch table. Jiwoong had bought a lot. He probably bought dinner too, which Matthew kept stored. He sat down on the couch, waiting for Jiwoong to finish. He was lost in thoughts, because he couldn't shake off the bad vibes. Was he paranoid? Or that he knew his boyfriend a bit too well?
Jiwoong walked out several minutes later, in a black tee and grey sweatpants. He wet his hair, so no more schedule for the day? Matthew looked forward to it. Lately, their time together had been so short, that the night cuddles together seemed like the only tension free time they could be together.
"How's it?" Jiwoong asked, pointing at the lunch, "I got your favorite."
"Yeah, thank you." Matthew cutely said. He expected a kiss of adoration or a look of fondness, but Jiwoong just pulled a chair to sit on. He followed suit, sitting across from the older male.
"So, what did you do today?" Matthew asked, "Had a rough time, right?"
"Hm." Nodded the other.
"And?" Matthew asked, "Anything in particular?"
"The same old." Jiwoong sighed. "What keeps happening everyday."
Matthew put his spoon down, looking at Jiwoong with a steady concentration. He found the latter's hand on the table, put his smaller one on top, "Jiwoonie hyung, tell me what happened."
"What? Nothing serious." Jiwoong took his hand away, as if the physical contact would give away everything he was hiding. He didn't know that Matthew knew him like the back of his palm- he could read his man's every move.
"If it's nothing then why are you avoiding the question?" Matthew asked. He stood up, walking to his man who looked anywhere but at his eyes. Matthew held his shoulders, "Babe, look at me."
With a sigh, Jiwoong obeyed.
"What exactly happened?" There was something in the way Matthew looked at him- a silent command, and assurance. His brown eyes demanded that Jiwoong poured his heart- all the pain and flaws. The rookie actor stood nothing before the depth in those eyes, hence he lowered his head, fighting the urge to let his tears fall. Instead, he controlled his vision from getting blurry. With a sniff, he looked up, smiled again then said, "Sit down then, no need to be so worried."
Matthew listened. Pulling a chair, he sat down in front of his man. Jiwoong took a few deep breaths, then smiled to collect himself. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were glassy, hiding an ocean of mysterious blue in them. Matthew frowned, trying to catch a hint, but nothing prepared him for what the other said.
"I'm gonna lose my job."
"Huh??" Matthew's immediate reaction was that of shock, "What??" Jiwoong stayed silent, giving the younger enough time to believe.
"What the fuck are you saying? Why would it happen?? You clearly said they were close to finding out the culprit and-"
"They did." Jiwoong gulped the lump of sadness down, "The agency, I think they found out."
"Then??" Matthew held his hands tightly, "Shouldn't they expose the wrongdoer? Or take legal action? I mean, they can force the culprit to admit that the photos are fake, that was the plan, right?"
"I thought so too." Jiwoong laughed, a bitter, full of hatred one. "But you know, they didn't tell me who it was."
Matthew waited, Gosh, his heart was beating so fast!
"Why?"
"I don't know. But I guess it's someone from the company." The elder said, "Someone who's bigger than me. They don't wanna let their image get affected as well."
"Why would someone bigger than you do this to you??" Matthew frowned even harder, "Is this some kinda sick joke?? Besides, why would they go far as to- sack you?"
Jiwoong shook his head, "There's more to it, Matt." He took another deep breath, then took out his phone from the pocket. Matthew watched curiously as his lover showed him some posts- almost all of those were pictures of them, buried in clothes, hats and masks. Yet, fans had found out that they had been secretly meeting each other. For a while. In several different dates and outfits. The photos had resurrected the old topic- but this time, the response wasn't as bad. Many had supported their courage. Even those who had been badmouthing them had praised their bond. But Jiwoong didn't show him for that. He locked his phone, and said, "They asked me about all these. Asked if I've been secretly meeting you... I said yes."
"Why would you!?"
"There's proof, Matthew!" Jiwoong said, "Besides, don't you think it's unfair? They wouldn't let me live in peace but would easily protect someone doing this terrible thing to us just to save the company's image from further damage??? Does it sit right with you??"
Matthew held his lover by the arm, "Hyung, you're getting angry." Jiwoong looked another way, cause his eyes were burning from rage. "What did they tell you afterwards?"
"They gave me two choices." Jiwoong said, "To leave you or to leave the company."
Fear crept its way in Matthew's eyes. He asked, "You didn't give them an answer yet, did you??" Jiwoong didn't reply.
"Listen, hyung. Say that you're gonna listen to them and break up with me. Then after things get better- maybe one year, two years, even more than that- I can wait, okay? Don't meet me in the meantime, focus on your career and one day, you can come talk to me again."
"I knew you'd say this. " Jiwoong said, "So I already gave them my answer."
"What... You said you're gonna leave me, right??"
Jiwoong shook his head, "I said that I won't work under people who have such selfish judgement."
"What!!? Kim Jiwoong!? Why!?" Matthew stood up, "Are you fucking crazy!? Don't you remember how hard you worked for this?? Did you forget what you said to me when you got accepted to work under them?" Matthew's voice started shaking, "That you're so happy, so lucky, that all your hard work had paid off, that you're finally going to live your dream and-"
"Matthew," Jiwoong stood up too, to cup his man's face, "I remember it all. Trust me. But I also remember when I first saw you skipping your way in the campus. When I saw you working out in the gym. When I first took you on a date, when I asked you out. When we slept together for the first time. I just chose what makes me happier."
"No, you fucking idiot!" Matthew shook his hands off, "It's not child's play, hyung! This is about your career, your life! How can you be so reckless?"
"I can find another job!" Jiwoong said, "I've got a master's degree, I can do a regular job. We can live and love freely, babe."
"Hyung.. this is not what you wanted to be." Matthew broke down into tears, "Your drama is still airing, how can they cut you off like this? This doesn't make sense at all."
"Babe, look at me." Jiwoong lifted his man's face, "Here, do you think I didn't think it through?" He tried not to cry, "I've spent nights after nights thinking if it's the right way. If hiding our relationship, faking my sexuality, working with the same person who destroyed the sanctity of our love would be worth all the fame and glory. It doesn't make me happy, babe. It makes me live in constant stress, I'm not made to be this way either." He wiped his lover's face, "I already talked to my parents. They're on my side. I didn't take a rash decision, babe. And I won't regret it later."
He hugged his boyfriend, who fell silent. Matthew cursed the entire world. For saying those shitty things. For forcing them to keep things low. He cursed at the company for betraying Jiwoong, for imposing something so cruel. And above everything, he cursed the vile, nasty, horrible person who leaked those photos in the first place.
Jiwoong let go, then cupped Matthew's face again. His face was reddish by then. The vein on his neck was inflated, the grip on his jaw was tight. His lips parted and met with the younger's mid way. Matthew didn't expect the kiss- or the way Jiwoong started demanding an entrance. He was probably venting. So the other let him.
But Jiwoong didn't wreck his mouth or anything. He briefly tasted the inside of those lips and then moved down to the chin. Matthew felt stray kisses on his throat, and neck and then- a warm drop of liquid not accompanied with the texture of a tongue. Then another one. He looked below, at Jiwoong's face, and discovered the source. Jiwoong's eyes were letting out the cries of pain at last. Letting everything out to the man he loved, he finally broke through the tough walls of pretense. Yes he was sad. Yes he was broken. Because his dreams were crushed. All his hardwork and dedication seemed like dust before the universe's cruel game.
Jiwoong pressed his face on the younger's neck, crying over his shoulder uncontrollably, wetting his clothes, burning his skin inside. He rarely cries. Like in all the years they were dating, Matthew probably saw him cry two to three times. But this- nothing was like this. Jiwoong was wailing. His voice was suppressed, yet the intensity reached Matthew through the vibration against his skin. He felt the same way isnide, of his heart twisting in pain. He held Jiwoong's head, unknowingly patting him for comfort, he did not kow what else he should do.
Because only he understood what a terrible state Jiwoong was in. And nothing in the entire world would be able to make up for what he had lost.
-
This is the last sad chapter of this book I promise :)