"Alright, alright! Thank you, very much for that.. lovely, graphic, uh, memory, Faye. Thank you." Ashtray stood up quickly, silencing Faye from her toast to Ash and myself. Admittedly, it started off lovely, endearing even, but it took a rather hard left and.. well. Let's just say Ashtray and I are so putting new locks on our doors and soundproofing our room. I stared at the table blinking wide eyed. I shook it off harshly, internally laughing though, that Faye of all people would- Jesus who am I kidding? It's Faye..
"David?" Ashtray asks respectfully as David stood up, straightening his shirt before nodding to ready himself. He pauses, looking up at the darkening sky. He smiles.
"No father, really likes to see their children run off and get a boyfriend, much less the day they see them get married to said boyfriend.." Everyone turned quiet. Everyone who had been snacking or idly chitchatting turning to listen to my fathers message. Watching as he took a deep breath, his eyes longing with tears as he gave a nod of his head.
".. But Ashtray was different. I didn't think so at first. I thought he was.. I let my past blindness, and love for my daughter blind my judgment of a child who, was there for my daughter when I failed to be. He might have looked like a punk, but I'll tell ya.. Kid's got a heart of gold. And I know he'll treat my baby right till the day they die. Welcome to the family, son!" My dad and Ashtray have gotten close over the years, and that's not the first time he's called him son, but that's the first time Ashtray's really seem to be.. fully accepted, maybe. It seemed to really touch him, knowing my dad cared and approved of him so much.
"To Ashtray, and Marina! May you both live a long, healthy life together!" My dad toasts cheerfully. Everyone follows suit, my father making his way over knowing full well I'd want a hug after that.
"Congratulations. Love the both of you." He turns and gives Ash a hug as well, huge back pats as they embraced in a loving hug. It was really great seeing them like this, my father caring about the man I love, and Ashtray having another older male in his life besides just his brother, a father figure at that. Dads been teaching Ash all sorts of dude tips, even attempted to show him how to fix the window a few months back. Yeah.. that went about as well as you're picturing.
"Ay, yo! It's my turn now!" Fezco stood up quickly, not wanting to miss his chance. Ash and I shared a look, not sure which direction this would go in.
"Man.. Seems like just yesterday yous and Jewels was racing into the store. Talking at the party.. You were the best friend I didn't know I needed, Gem. And you made for an excellent babysitter when Ashtray was being a bit too much like.. Ashtray. I shoulda known y'all woulda ended up together. Man, when I first met you, I'd knew you and Ash would hit it off.. For real.. " Fezco smiles as he reminisce, I'm sure a few of us thinking back. His eyes shift from Ash and I to the rest of the people.
"But I'll tell yous what, it's damn near impossible not to hit it off with Marina. Found that out when I found myself befriending her just days later. She became my little buddy, and I could't have asked for a better friend than her. Marina, yous the best thing that could have happened to lil dude, to any of us. I'm glad to call you my best friend, and my sister. More than anything, I love you. Both'a y'all."
Fezco's words made everyone show signs of sentiment and approval, a few clapped, a few were vocal. Ashtray and I showed him love and appreciation for the words and love he had to offer us. Doing the same to the others who had something to say about either or both of us. Some were emotional, like my dads, Fezco's, even Rue. As she talked about the guilt she felt about my strayed path when we were younger. But also how were able to overcome that and patch a new road for a better life. And we did it ourselves, with the help of our loved ones, of course, but more than that, we fought the urge to go back. To seek out that soothing, empty, seemingly forgiving place of darkness we both knew we so badly wanted to return to. The fight is far from over, but it's easier as time goes on. We get more involved in our everyday lives, our loved ones help keep us distracted.
Then, then you had ones like Faye's. Maddie made a speech embarrassing the fuck outta me. Bringing up a few memories of where I'd made a fool of myself talking about Ash. In case you're wondering, Maddie and I had gotten moderately closer too. Hanging out so much with Lexi, I usually ended up hanging out with others too. Some from school, like Maddie, obviously Cassie. And some new ones too, okay ones a coworker of her's. But still! Oh, and as for Cassie and Maddie, they do talk. It was a long time that they didn't, at least a year of just seeing and sending each other pitiful, resentful, regretful or puppy dog looks. The trust they once had isn't like what it used to, their friendship, isn't what it used it be.. but they talk. They've not so much forgiven but moved on from what's happen.
It was fun, listening to what they all had to say. To hear what they remembered, what they thought of us, what they hoped for us.. For some of us, it's been a while since any of us last saw each other, old friends, distant family members. Even the ones I see almost everyday though, today was different, having them all here. Guess getting married was a great excuse to get everyone together..
"It's my turn!" My eyes bugged as I tried to hold my smile. Jules stood up excitedly from her seat, all too thrilled.
"How about cake?" I tried redirecting, and although cake grabbed some of their attention, most were excited to hear what Jules had to say. Who better to recall embarrassing or heartfelt memories than a sibling? Only, they didn't know Jules like I do, nor do they know her declaration of embarrassment from earlier.
She stands there, long silence as I can hear her internal taunt as everyone goes quiet to listen to her. I see my father make a face, sitting on edge as he anticipated his daughters next move. Fezco, Ashtray and the others leaned in, begging for the most embarrassing tales to be told.
And so she did. From the time we got in the make up and instead of becoming runway models, we looked like the next circus act. The time we were playing at the beach by our grandmothers, and the seagulls started chasing us around because I wouldn't just let go of my ice cream.
Almost every memory she told she told to embarrass the both of us, rather it was because it was something one of us did or both that resulted in our humorous misfortune.
"There was this one time, though. She embarrassed herself allllll on her own. In the cutest way possible though, really. You shoulda seen her, the way she was giggling and blushin' and whatnot." Jules paused for a moment, a small sense of sadness washing over her.
"Ashtray had a gift none of us had, to make Marina truly happy.. Even by phone call, even while she was dealing with so much all at once, or what she was about too face, Ashtray never failed to put a smile on her face.." My mind played back on the memories as she continues telling everyone, my smile, giddy form on the bed. Rolling and fidgeting mindlessly as I tuned out the world. All that mattered was the conversation with Ashtray, the feel of spending Christmas with Ash over the phone because I thought they would get sick of me.. The way I fought my sister to get out of my room just so I could get all giddy and spend Christmas on the phone with him. There have been a lot of times I felt at peace when with Ashtray, and my mind almost always goes to that memory first.
"Now, I could keep telling you all the embarrassing stories about my sister, but.. Now, I'd like to be serious for a moment. Fezco, Ash.. You two have been there for Gem since the start, with barely knowing her, without barely knowing her story.. Without you guys, I sometimes think that.. maybe she'd still be lost. Maybe we'd all still be lost.. Ashtray, Marina, you two have been through it all, and your guys' relationship is stronger as ever. Marriage.. marriage doesn't always last forever.. and sometimes the people who get married don't even love each other.." I couldn't help but think about my parents marriage, knowing that was what she was referring too.
"But what you two have really is special, and I just know you guys will love each other, well after death!" She rushed out with a playful chuckle. She pauses, smiling brightly to herself as she picks up a glass, holding it up high as she turns back to us.
"Gemmy.. Ashtray, if anyone deserves to be happy for the rest of their lives, it's you two. To Marina and Ashtray!" Things have changed so much since we moved here.. Even more since the accident. It doesn't matter how much closer we grew after, every day we still grow closer. Every day we still learn how to love each more, how to be there for each other more.
I stand up after a few moments, gaining some attention. It takes me a second to gather my thoughts, and courage. Some still talk, making me clear my throat to get the crowds full attention.
"I just wanted to uh, to say thank you to everyone that came tonight. Family, friends.. some of you I haven't seen since we moved here, some I haven't seen since.." I paused, looking down as a guilt smile forced itself onto my face. It was a sad one, the glistening in my eyes should be tell enough.
"- since I almost died." I laughed out achingly. I wasn't just talking about the bullet, the coma, I'm talking about when I tried killing myself. With drugs, with my depression, with my.. with my hate and anger for the world. And with myself.
"Before my accident, I was in a really dark place. I, I didn't want my friends help, I wanted the darkness' help. It's comfort.. I can still remember the.." I suddenly wasn't there anymore, I was younger, drugged up and on the verge of ODing. Flashes of Fezco and Lexi desperate faces as I go in and out of consciousness.
I felt a hand snake into mine as I stood, bringing me back. I nodded to recover, squeezing Ashtrays hand back.
"..I still remember when Fezco and Lexi found me. I was out of places to hide, I had just looked my sister in the eyes and told her to let me go.. I wanted to die. I know, I know, great fucking conversation for a wedding, right?" I exhaled deeply, feeling some of their eyes try and comfort me from where they stood.
"Fez, after a friendly lecture, brought me back to his and Ash's place." The pounding on the door, gun shots, police yells all sounded in my mind hauntingly.
"Then.. the cops were at the door." Those who knew, knew. So the conversation really got to some.
"..I don't regret my action that day, and I'd do it again in a heart beat. Rather the bullet was flying at Ashtray, at Fezco, or even Faye that day. I let my bitter feelings for someone who.." I looked out into the crowd, trying not to let my eyes wander towards the back. I looked away, back at the center of the party.
"I was in a dark place because of my bitterness towards my mother. And still, during all that time none of them gave up on me.. They had been there for me since day one, and even with all my bullshit, all my dodging, all of it, they were still only worried about my safety and health. In the midst of everything they had going on themselves, they were more worried about me." I shook my head as I looked between them, specifically Fezco and Ashtray.
"I know I've thanked you guys, said I love you guys but, I honestly can't say it enough.. I can't make it sound just how much I mean it. You two are my everything, and without you two, I don't know where I'd be. I'd be, still lying about everything that happened to my dad and Jules. Id be lost, I'd be, I'd be in that alleyway.. Only nobody would have found me. It's something that hurts to realize, but it's the truth. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them, for my friends, like Rue and Faye, Lexi. He's not here today but, a dear friend of mine and a few us here, he helped me too. When I was really at my lowest, and thought I had no one left. He tried to help others, before he tried helping himself. He worried more about others, than he did worry about himself. Elliot was a good friend, and it's unfortunate he couldn't make it today, but I mean, hey.. You gotta put yourself first for once, right? I'd like to toast to him, toast to all my friends, ones I've made before and after the lowest point in my life, to my family, to Ashtray and Fezco, and to everyone who was there, who has helped me, no matter how little you think your impact was, it's helped shape me into who I am today. And I wouldn't be here today, if it weren't for you all." I finish off, knowing my dumbass said way more than necessary, making me want to crawl under a rock and die. But everyone cried and cheered, some rushing to my side.
As the night carried on, I slipped away from the main party, sneaking to one of the back tables. My natural instinct, from the moment my eyes caught glimpse, was to hide away. The child I had tried so hard to heel wanted to revert all the hard work we had fought so hard for.
"I'm, I'm sorry. I knew I probably should have left earlier, I just, I'm,uh.. Congratulations." I watch as people socialize, my mother standing from her chair suddenly as I stepped closer. I opened my mouth to stop her, clearing my throat of any eagerness or hesitation I felt, strangely at the same time.
"It's-" She stops and turn as I stop with my words. Looking away as she tried to make eye contact.
"I don't.. care. If you're here. It's fine." I shrug uncaring, but I'm sure it was clear how stiff and awkward it was for me to try and hold middle ground. I knew she had been working on bettering herself as a human, between dad and Jules speaking of it, but her therapist as well, after he had contacted me in hopes of some sort of arrangement. Rather in office session or home exercise we could try. I wasn't really interested, focusing on my own health as well as the people that truly mattered. I'm not over what she did, her words and treatment to me, I'm not ever going to be. There are still certain triggers, but I suppose all I can do now in life is move on. I'm married now, my best friends are about to get married soon. Everyone is finally figuring themselves out, and somewhat content in life, with what and who we have and are. I don't want to forgive her, and I probably won't but, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with anger either. It's too exhausting.
"Really, I'll leave." She insisted. I knew, I knew she was trying but, sometimes it really was hard..
"You. You can stay, if you'd like. It.." I breathed in.
"-it doesn't bother me if you're here, or not here. Stay if you want, or leave. Doesn't effect me either way." I catch myself half way through, not wanting to sound like I was giving in to much but didn't want to force her to leave either. Truly, it didn't matter if she was here. In a way, I kind of wanted her to be. To see how happy I was, how happy Ash and my friends made me. And it was all because of her. Her hate, and neglect, was the best thing that could have happened. Without it, we wouldn't have moved, I wouldn't have met Fezco, or Ash. I wouldn't have met Lexi or Faye or Rue.. Maybe I'd be happier, with some other guy that may or may not love me back.. but that didn't matter, this did. What I had now, who I have now. And I wouldn't trade any of them no matter how hard my childhood was, no matter how I wished it was easier, so the pain was easier to deal with.
She gives a small smile, knowing it was a start.
"I really mean it, Marina.. Congratulations. What you and.. Ashtray seem to have, seems really.. You look happy. So happy.." I look down for a second, looking over to Ashtray who stood far off with the others. He laughed at something one of them said, it dying down as he catches my eye. I knew by his look he was asking if I was okay, if I needed him to help, but I was okay. Smiling warmly to him as assurance.
"I am.."
"He's there for me and, I'm there for him. He's one of the first who noticed when something's wrong, when I'm upset or hurting.. He knows how to comfort me and also how distract me. He guilds me out from the darkness, and shields me when it's dangerously bright. And more importantly.. he loves me for me. And I love him." I turn back to her taking her by slight surprise, breathing in deeply.
"I hope.. you find happiness like that someday. Or at least true happiness in general." I give a small smile, one that was genuine. I knew it wasn't much, and I knew she was probably thinking I was being sarcastic or a bitch.
What I didn't know is that, that small comment, was enough to spark some genuine happiness in her anyways. The fact her daughter had told her she could stay, talked to her, even smiled at her. She saw this as hope, that she had hopefully helped her daughter get at least some closure. She was trying hard to fix herself, she was a horrible mother and she knew that. She wanted to help herself but, she don't want to heal until she saw they were healed. She had hoped if she tried to heal herself first then maybe she could have helped them, but seeing how well that worked out last time, she didn't go ahead with that. She knew the pain and everlasting effect she had on her daughters, Marina especially. She knew she couldn't take all the pain any, or ever truly make amends, but anything. Anything at all to ease some of the damage she had caused. And she had, she could see that now.
Her daughters were happy. Truly happy, something she wished she would have experienced at their age. But she neglected that, and this was her, just seeing the result of that neglect. Luckily.. they turned out alright. That can't always be said for others who had been neglected and broken down by their parents.
"See you went and said hello." I smiled as I leaned into Ash's chest, the night still young and the friendly chatter still going. I nod, looking back at the joking group that danced in front of us. Cheeks burning from the ridiculous dance moves Rue and Fezco were displaying. They pulled my father out on the dance floor, him trying to do the same 'hip moves as the young kids do these days' only to fail miserably.
"Yeah.. She said congratulations." I add. He gives a soft chuckle.
"Did she now? That was nice of her." I smile at his playful sarcasm.
"It was.. It's fine though. Really. It doesn't bother me. No.. the only one bothering me is.." I started with an assurance, his look prior asking if the encounter with her was anything he should be worried about, afraid I might start to fall back down the latter. But I was good, until the change of dance moves being displayed on the dance floor. Jules and my father dancing in the most unsightly fashion imaginable. I sighed as he chuckled, pulling me in closer to him.
"I love you, Marina O'Neil." I beamed at the same, looking up to meet his eyes already on me.
"And I love you, Ashtray O'Neil. My wonderful husband o' mine." I giggled out, turning to him while throwing myself forward, clashing my lips on his, which he eagerly returned.
"Hey love birds, stop kissing and come dance with us already!" Faye and Maddie pretended to be intimate with er, on each other, a few waving us over. Ashtray rolled his eyes at the girls, grabbing my hand.
"May I have this dance?" I nod.
"You may." The others grew rowdy as we neared, the music seeming louder now as we joined in with the others. Hard to believe, a few years ago, I didn't even know who Ashtray or Fezco was, now, now we're family. Just like that, another chapter of my life is over, and another one's about to begin. I start college courses soon, doing or going for what I have no fucking Idea but I'll figure it out as I go, my loved ones along the way to help me.
"To loved ones!" I hold up my drink in the middle of the rambunctious crowd, the others following suit.
"To loved ones!"
I want to thank everyone who's showed support and love on this story! If you haven't already, check out my other Ashtray book: I'm Sorry
I also have other books out, Holes, Pet Semetary, some anime.. Check them out on my page! 🤗🖤