way too quickly, tech week was over.
and it was opening weekend. and my brain was buzzing.
and currently, back stage, helping me do my makeup, grace's was too.
"you guys what!?"
i had, currently, filled her in on my past week.
right after that night with cole, tech week and full dress rehearsals only reared up more. honestly, i didnt have any time to think about it. or talk about it.
i had barely even talked to cole.
"so," i could tell grace was trying her best to move past the shock of it all, because we really only had a half hour until i needed to be picture perfect and on stage.
but it was hard for the girl, "do you think you'll go to his mothers award ceremony as like," she cringed, "his girlfriend?"
i cringed too, and we both did a combination of a vomit and squeal to the concept of it all.
"i really dont know." i sighed, handing her the mascara bottle, "its just all a little much."
lately, i felt like i had been a terrible friend. grace knew almost nothing until now, and she still didnt quite know about the talk in the rain the other day.
and, like i had said, i had barely even talked to cole about it. i knew he understood, he told me he did. he said that i should take this week, and prioritize the play, and we can both think about how to move forward with all of this.
taking time to think. i wish i even had the time to do so.
my mind spun trying to think of all of this as my life. all of it seemed to be happening so quickly, like i was trapped under ice just watching it all rush by, above the surface. i couldnt reach out and touch it, slow it down, or even process.
it was steam rolling over me.
but like i had been telling myself all week: the only life i cared about was juliets. and my mind couldnt be distracted right now. i needed to stay focused, and get through opening weekend. then i could worry about all of this.
"ok girl," grace nodded, proud of herself, "i think you're done." she turned around my chair so we could look at me in the mirror, and we both just smiled.
"harper gray madden." she put her head down next to mine, chin on my shoulder, "playing juliet. apart of silver falls high theater. friends with the walters. something with cole." we both giggled, and she just sighed, "who would have thought."
im glad she didnt phrase it as a question, because i really dont know who the answer would be.
it was definitely not me.
suddenly, danny was running into our room, huffing and puffing, "almost ready?"
i looked down at my watch, and it was five till, "shoot. yeah, im ready."
"okay, perfect." we walked to the stage together, and he squeezed my arm before we entered the stage for the first scene, "good luck."
i looked over at him, and melted at his kind, supportive face. i just shook my head, pulling him in for a hug.
whatever was going on, whatever was going to happen with me and this family, i was just so thankful for all of them. i promised myself, right then, to not let anything ruin any good part of what has come out of this family.
and if making any moves would do that, they simply wouldnt be made.
"thank you danny." i said, and he chuckled, squeezing me back.
"for what?"
"all of this." i said looking around, "you got me here."
and i meant much much more than just back stage of the theater's auditorium.
he got me into theater. he got me in this play. he got me closer to the walters.
he got me out of my shell.
danny's friendship was one of the things i could not let anything ruin.
i blamed the warm feeling in my stomach on nerves, and forced myself to shake it off. i had too.
because the curtains were opening.
the play had been going smoothly.
no one had messed up, or needed to improvise.
no tech guy forgot the lighting, no dress teared or make up smudged.
not even one character tripped. nothing was added or taken away that shouldnt have been.
which is what made what danny did so confusing. so jolting. at the last scene, even.
it was the final scene, when romeo and juliet die together. romantic lines, and gestures, and mannerisms. but kept tame, for a family-friendly viewing. not more than a hand touching a hand, then death for them both. me first, then a line, and then danny.
the lights were a dim blue, and a dark alleyway setting was set. i dont know where he got the idea. but i wished i had seen it coming.
i probably shouldve.
with about a page of lines and blocking left in the scene, therefore in my first full play ever, i felt the adrenaline spike inside of me. i was almost done with my first performance. i suddenly wanted to speed through the lines, laying down to die next to danny, just to jump up and celebrate the night for the perfect night that it was.
but, during one of danny's lines, he took a step closer to me.
that wasnt part of our blocking.
and during the next, he grabbed my arm with both his hands. our noses were itches apart.
he's improvising, i told myself, he's just trying to make this scene more dramatic, maybe romantic. it was nothing to be worried about.
that was, until i died.
and before he gave his last, dying breathed line, he kissed me.
i was already dead. my body still. i was too shocked to have moved it anyway.
and then he let his body fully give out next to mine.
that is probably why my body jolted when the curtains squeaked as they were let down, and my eyes flew open when the audience burst into applause.
to not show my open, wild, eyes to the audience, i turned them over to danny. who was looking at me, already, with calm ones. certain ones.
and then suddenly, people were picking us up off the ground, cast members cheering and whooping, clapping our backs out of celebration. no one noticed, or cared.
we were done. my first show had been a complete success.
and danny walter had kissed me.
i did everything i could not to sprint back to the changing rooms, but i made it clear it was my destination in mind.
i smiled and waved off congrats and good jobs from fellow cast mates, but my feet were pointed towards one door.
the first thing i had wanted to do was run out to everyone, to see grace and erin. but out there was the walters. was danny. out there was cole.
erin, who was picking up costumes from each cast mate, gave me a look from across backstage.
i said thank you to one last person, gave one last hug, and closed myself in the girls dressing room.
the bright lights from the huge mirrors and makeup stations hurt my pounding head, so i dimmed the lights a bit. i was happy to look around and see that no one was in there, hearing the sound of everyone celebrating and chatting backstage. here, i was able to take a deep breath, sit in a chair, stare at myself in the mirror, and process what just happened to me.
the door slowly clicked open, and someone squeezed themselves in, almost to be discrete.
it was erin.
"are you okay?" she asked, rushing over, but reaching out to touch my shouldes slowly.
i just looked at her in the mirror.
"did you know he was going to do that?" she whispered quietly, and i just shook my head. she pulled up a chair, and leaned me so that my head was resting on her shoulder.
strangely, it was exactly what i had needed.
the tears came too quickly. overwhelm hit me.
i was so happy. i had just finished my first performance ever and it had been flawless. it had gone so smoothly. i still felt the rush of adrenaline and joy that actors always talked about having on opening night, but i felt as if i couldnt let myself feel it. it was a bubble waiting to pop.
but i was so confused. about what had just happened, what had caused it, about what will come of it. of how i felt about it.
and i was so scared.
the door clicked open again, and this time, i knew who it was.
"erin?" but i simply had the wrong brother. cole's soft whisper made us both take a deep breath, "can we have a moment alone?"
i picked my head up, nodding at erin to tell her it was okay, and she got up and left.
cole had rushed over to me that very second.
first, he just gathered me in my arms. then, shifting his head so he could talk right into my ear, he asked the question erin just had, "did you know he was going to do that?"
"no." i said, leaning my temple on his shoulder.
"do you think it means something."
i closed my eyes to stop the tears from spilling, "i don't know."
and there, we sat. where peaceful silence could only be found around us, but not within us.
at some point, he reached for my hand and squeezed it. i squeezed his back.
and if making any moves would ruin anything good that had come out of this family, they simply wouldnt be made.
my stomach hurt as my life got even more complicated.