ROWAN
After Conrad and I's heart-to-heart, we both walked inside together to hit the hay. It was about 11 p.m., the night swim absolutely exhausted me. The two of us said our respective goodnights before he went to his room on the other side of the hallway and I headed to the bathroom to take a shower before bed. I knew if I didn't wash my chlorine hair, I would be paying for it in the morning.
I noticed that mostly everyone does not lock the bathroom door around here and typically respects the person who has the door closed. So I haven't been locking it myself either, plus, everyone is out and there's no sense of me locking it.
I turned the shower on, the water blasting the side of the shower curtain, causing it to splash all over me. I groaned, "Fucking, Steven." He always likes to point the shower head towards the curtain so it hits the next person who showers after him. He thinks he is so clever, and I should be used to it, but the last thing that is on my mind is to check which direction the shower head is pointing.
I tried my best to brush out my hair before I took off my sopping-wet bikini and hopped in the warm shower. This is exactly what I needed to warm up my body. Nothing beats a shower after a swim, especially a night swim.
Since nobody was going to be waiting on me, I decided I wanted to take an everything shower right now. Shampoo and condition my hair, exfoliate and shave my legs, and use a hair mask that Susannah picked up for both Belly and me out of the blue.
I enjoyed hot showers, like most girls I would say. Even though the boiling water is probably not the best for my skin, I didn't care. The steam rolled out the top of the shower and into the ceiling fan. Water rolled down my back as I took my time shaving. I already washed my hair and put on my hair mask.
I continued my everything shower, and just as I was getting the last bits of the hair mask rinsed out, I heard the bathroom door open and a breeze of cool air enter the bathroom. My heart stopped as my body jerked into the wall, causing a few bottles to drop, and making a loud noise.
Whoever just walked in scared the shit out of me.
I scrambled to pick up the bottles first, then I peeked my head out from behind the shower curtain. My first thought is the person who just barged in is Conrad. Even though he knew I was taking a shower, he was in fact the only person up here. But then I thought, no, Conrad would have knocked and announced his entering.
The next person that came to mind was Belly, but then I thought, no, she would have immediately started talking.
If Steven were to have walked in, he would have charged straight to the shower curtain and start to punch it to scare me, which obviously didn't happen.
That leaves one person. A curly-headed boy with cerulean eyes.
"Jeremiah, what are you doing?" My heart pounded against my chest. I cannot pinpoint if it's due to the fact that I'm literally naked behind this curtain or the fact that this is the second time he barged in on me in the bathroom.
He stared back at me, his cerulean eyes turned Prussian blue in a matter of seconds. He did not look happy at all, in fact, he looked pissed.
So pissed.
"Did you smoke weed with Conrad?" He confronted me with the last thing I expected. These are the first words that he has said to me in days.
I sighed, pulling my head back into the shower so I could turn off the water. Without opening the curtain, I reached my hand to find my towel which I successfully grabbed and began to dry my body down in the shower.
"Can you just wait until I get out of here?" I should be trying to plead with him, taking this chance to open up the conversation that I have been meaning to have with him. But for some reason, him barging in here like this when I'm the most vulnerable has really ticked me off.
"Did you smoke weed with Conrad, yes or no, Rowan?" The way he said my name with so much distaste made me want to cry. He has never spoken my name the way he has until right now.
"Jeremiah, can you please either get out of here or hand me my clothes at least?" I said from behind the curtain, wrapping the towel around my naked body.
"Yes or no?" He commanded again.
I'm not sure if the heat is getting to me or if Jeremiah's tone is straight pissing me off, but without hesitation, I flung open the shower curtain and stepped out onto the bath mat. Jeremiah's eyes gazed at me for a second before looking away.
"Yes, I did. I took one small hit. There, you happy?" I snapped back. I have no idea why he's making this a big deal. He's literally smoked weed before too.
Jeremiah rubbed the back of his neck, turning towards me once again. "That was stupid of you to do."
My hand lifted to rub my eyes out of annoyance. "How do you even know I smoked with him? Were you spying on us?"
He scuffed, "It's pretty hard not to notice the girl you care about being cozied up next to your own brother." Even though he was truly upset at me, the only words that stood out to me were those very four.
'The girl you care about.'
I readjusted my towel and took a deep breath. "We were just talking, Jeremiah. Actually, we were talking about you and how you've been actively avoiding me even though I have tried many times to offer an explanation." Without thinking, I added, "At least Conrad listened to me."
When those words left my mouth, I knew I should have not said what I said. Even though I did mean it, I'm the reason why we are in this mess anyway.
Expecting him to yell at me, gaslight me, or get in my face, he didn't. He simply shook his head.
"I can't do this right now."
And he stepped out.
—————
Trigger Warning!! (Flashback with Rowan's toxic ex Jace. Please skip if this is something you don't want to read)
FLASHBACK - FIVE MONTHS AGO
Today has been a good day in regard to my relationship with Jace. This has been the first good day in a while and I know a lot of it has to do with the scholarship he just got offered to play football at Virginia Tech.
"My god, babe, do you realize how huge this is?" Jace asked excitedly as he grabbed my thigh. We were driving back to my house to hang out since it was Friday. We typically hung out every Friday after school. To be honest, we never did anything too exciting together. To be really honest, we never hung out in public besides school. If we did go out, we usually grabbed food from McDonald's or Taco Bell drive-thru and took it back to either mine or his house.
After almost six months of dating, I don't think Jace has taken me on a proper date.
This does bother me, but I am thankful for the time I do get to spend with him.
On good days, we eat snacks and watch Netflix in bed. Usually, we get distracted and end up making out for long periods of time which usually leads to another thing which leads to another thing.
On bad days, Jace plays video games with his friends online and I sit and read my book. Occasionally, he will look over at me, and ask what I am doing, if I'm texting someone I am not supposed to be texting, and then one thing leads to another.
I hate those days. The days he assumes I am cheating on him and that I don't love him. He calls me names those days and typically yells, but at the end of the night when I am about to leave or he is about to leave, he gives me a hug and kiss. He then tells me I am only his and that no one else will love me as much as he does.
And I believe him each time.
"I am so proud of you." I say and place my hand on top of his. And it's hard not to be proud of him. He absolutely loves football and being accepted to play on a college team has been his dream forever.
"We have to celebrate tonight, how about we go grab some food? I'm craving a big ass burger right now." He suggests and I assume he means he wants to celebrate with McDonald's.
"That sounds great, I'll probably get chicken nuggets."
Jace looks over at me for a second, furrowing his eyebrows. "Not McDonald's, I was thinking we could go to The Diner and grab a burger and a shake or something."
I'm taken aback at this. Does this mean we are going on our first date? I try not to get too excited, but the smile on my face is too obvious.
"I'd love that."
The rest of the car ride is good. We are both goofing around and singing in weird voices to every song that comes on. When get to The Diner, it isn't too packed nor is there anyone we know there which is surprising because it is one of the main restaurants kids in our school go to.
Jace and I seat ourselves and wait for the waitress or waiter to come over to us. I look over from Jace to see a kid in my band class, Dylan, walking over to us with a notepad in his hands. The two of us meet eye contact and he sends a friendly smile.
Dylan is a really friendly kid. The two of us have been in band class together since the sixth grade. He plays percussion and I play the clarinet. Dylan is really big into theater and drama. I'm pretty sure he got the lead role for our spring play this year.
"Hi Rowan, hi Jace, what can I get you guys to drink?" Dylan greets us, a smile is still written on his face.
"Hey Dylan, could I please just get a water and a strawberry milkshake please?" I ask, looking over to him. He nods and looks over at Jace. I do the same, and to my surprise, Jace looks utterly disgusted.
"I'll just have a water and a chocolate shake, thanks Dylan." He says harshly which causes me to send him a confused look. Why the hell is he lashing out at Dylan? Jace was literally fine two seconds ago.
"Got it. I'll be right back with those." Dylan stays cheery, despite Jace's rude tone. Once Dylan is far enough away, Jace shakes his head at me.
"This is exactly why I don't take you out." He deadpans, glaring deeply at me.
I don't let this comment affect me. I have heard worse from him.
"He's just being nice, that's his job." I see nothing wrong with the interaction Dylan and I had. We aren't friends, we are acquaintances. I'm 100% sure that we don't even have each other on any social media. Well, I don't have any males on any social media because Jace made me block or delete them.
"Whatever. If he looks at you the same way again, we are leaving." He threatens as if I have every power to control the way Dylan looks at me. He literally looked at Jace the same way. The same way he probably looked at every other customer in here.
I decide not to fight him on it, and thankfully, Dylan doesn't look my way when he sets down our drinks. "What can I get you two?" He asks, but only looks at Jace.
Embarrassingly, Dylan must have caught on that Jace was not happy. Thankfully, I'm glad he did catch on because all I want is for my first date with Jace to go smoothly.
"Yeah, I'll have the double bacon cheeseburger with fries and Rowan will get the chicken strips with fries and two ranches." When he orders for me, my head flings up to look at him. As bad as I want to say something, I know I shouldn't.
I didn't even want chicken strips, I really wanted a cheeseburger with mozzarella sticks. And if I do order chicken strips, I always ask for honey mustard, never ranch.
"Alright, that should be out in about 20 minutes," Dylan informs us before walking away.
To appease Jace, I say, "Thank you."
Me showing gratefulness does not change his mood. "Are you mad that you can't talk to your boyfriend?" He accuses.
I can't even count the times he has asked me this stupid question.
"He's doing his job, Jace." I remind him, but he doesn't look too convinced. I expect him to comment back, but to my surprise, he just pulls out his phone and completely ignores me.
So this is our first date, huh?
My heart is racing as we get our food, my heart is racing when we both eat without saying a word, my heart is racing when Jace slides the bill over to me, and my heart is racing when we step back into his car.
"This is exactly why I have never wanted to take you on a date. I don't know why I decided today was going to be different, but it's exactly how I expected it to go. You know how embarrassing it is that you didn't talk to me the entire time? It proves my point even more, you wanted to show that stupid Dylan kid that you don't give a fuck about me." His words cut through me, but I try not to let them get to my heart.
Letting out a shaky breath, I say, "You're right. I'm sorry I did not talk to you, Jace. I embarrassed you and that is not okay."
"Whatever. Let's go back to your place."
But I didn't want to go back to my place. My mom wasn't going to be home tonight and right now, even though I'm used to his outbursts like this, I do not feel safe with him.
I try my best to keep a positive conversation which he only engages in because it's about football. I've learned that it's the only way to distract him from being angry at me.
We get back to my house and both head to my room. I set down my phone on my bed and let him know I'm going to use the bathroom. Jace doesn't like when I take my phone to the bathroom with me. He thinks I'm hiding stuff if I do.
I stare at my reflection. I'm as white as a ghost compared to my naturally tan skin. My eyes look tired, as if there's nothing behind them. I should not look like this. I never used to look like this.
Jace used to be the sweetest boy. We've known of each other for a while, well, I knew of him since he was very popular. Jace is two years older than me so we rarely passed each other in the hallways.
I made varsity volleyball this year and according to him, I caught his eye during one of our practices this summer.
When I was leaving practice, Jace stopped me in the parking lot and asked for my number.
I gave it to him.
Everything was amazing for three months. He'd walk me to my classes, kiss me before I went into the classroom, and show up to the classes I was in just to say hi. Even though he never officially asked me on a date, I did not care.
He made me fall for him hard and fast. I was blind, but my face was always beaming.
Now, look at me.
I'm a broken record.
I exited the bathroom, only to find Jase scrolling through my phone. His expression was full of anger. He looked up from my phone, stood up from my bed, and handed me my phone.
Furrowing my eyebrows together, I look at a text from Elena, my best friend.
Elena: are you good
Me: yeah, why?
Jace replied as me.
Elena: okay, can you please call me as soon as possible
Me: I can't right now, what's up?
Elena: I can only tell you over the phone or in person
Me: can you please text it to me? Mom is making me watch a movie
Elena: Rowie, are you sure?
Me: please just tell me Elena
Elena: I'll tell you, but then I'm coming over
Elena: I saw Kenzie today in the hallway, but she wasn't alone. Jace was with her. I saw them kiss, Row.
Me: stop lying
Elena: I'm coming over
"Why the fuck did Elena text you and accuse me of kissing Kenzie in the hallway? Did you two orchestrate this?" He yelled, taking a step closer so he could be in my face.
I felt a tear leave my eye, not knowing if it's from the news I just found out or from him acting this way.
"I have no idea what she is talking about." I whimpered, trying to take a step back, but Jace was too quick and grabbed me by my wrist, pulling me even closer to him.
"You think this is funny? And my god, Rowan, stop fucking crying. Do you realize what you started?" Jace hand raised with my phone in it, and as fast as I could let out another whimper, he threw my phone past my head and at the wall.
I turned around to find a dent in the wall and my phone cracked. This made me scream.
"Jace, what the hell?!" I yelled this time, rushing over to my phone to check if it still worked. Thankfully, it did.
"You're more worried about your phone? Fuck, you're a bitch. You're such a fucking bitch Rowan that you made me cheat on you with Kenzie. You drove me to sleep with her because you weren't giving me what I needed. You're pathetic." His words soaked into my skin, but I was still unable to process what he was saying.
But I knew I was angry and sad. He just admitted to cheating on me with my close friend and in the process, blamed me for it.
"Fuck you." I cried, taking a step to my bedroom door, but Jaces arm stopped me once again. Harshly, he spun me around and shoved his finger in my face.
"What the fuck did you just say?"
"I said, fuck you, let me go." I cried even harder, trying to break free, but a hand caused the side of my head to jerk.
My face felt hot as I heard my jaw and ear pop. A loud ringing sound screamed in my eardrums, causing me to fall straight to the ground.
"Oh my god, baby, baby, I'm so sorry." Jace fell to the ground next to me, grabbing my face gently, and trying to look into my eyes.
"Baby, please, look at me. I didn't mean to do that, you made me do that, I'm so sorry that happened." He kissed my forehead, then my cheek, and then my lips.
I couldn't move.
"I love you. I love you. I love you." He whispered, trying to soothe me. It didn't work though. My mind was racing, my heart was racing, and my entire body was shaking from what just happened.
He hit me. He hit me so hard that I fell to the ground.
Now he's telling me he loves me.
Why is this happening? Why do I feel scared, but guilty all at the same time?
Tears kept rushing down my face, still unable to look at the monster I was in love with.
"Rowan, say something." He commanded.
But I didn't say anything. Instead, I heard my bedroom door fly open and instant yelling.
"What the fuck! Get the fuck out of here!" Elena.
My sweet Elena.
"No, fuck you, Elena. Spreading your bitch ass rumors." Jace stood up from where I was, trying his best to scare Elena.
"Fuck you, Jace. I'll call the damn cops."
Jace scoffed, "For what reason?"
Elena laughed as she started to push buttons on her phone. "911."
Jace shuffled around her, in a scurry. All she had to do was pretend to dial 911 and he was out of my room.
Elena rushed to my side, cupping my face ever so gently as tears began to run down her face. "Rowie, my gosh." She ran her finger over my cheek, inspecting it through glossy eyes. I personally, could not move or say anything. I don't even understand what just fully happened.
Everything happened so fast.
In that moment I tried to block it all out. The stinging on my cheek was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. It was like someone reached into my chest and squeezed it until it popped.
How do I make it stop?
authors note
i really did not like writing this chapter, but i feel that it was needed to fully understand what happened between her and jace and how he treated her.
i would like to send all my love and hugs to anyone who has ever experienced or knows someone personally who has experienced mental manipulation/abuse or physical abuse.
i have someone in my life that is married to a narcissist and as many times as she says she will leave him, she doesn't.
but i don't judge her for that because i have personally never been in love with a person like that. i just see how hard it is for her.
if you're currently experiencing anything like this, i hope you have family and friends that you can count on. if you do not, i know there are plenty of individuals on this app, including myself that would be there for support.
with all my love,
bailey